How To Be An Awesome Date

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A date is when you stand back to back, right? [Via Wikimedia Commons]

Valentine’s Day has come and gone and you are still in the Lonely Hearts Club? It’s time to get back out there, champ! Get on Tinder, OkCupid, or whatever the kids are using these days (or go the old fashioned route and ask a friend to set you up!) and scrounge up a date. I’ll wait.

So you’ve got yourself a date! Fantastic! Hopefully you know enough on your own to set a place and time to meet. May I take this opportunity to suggest doing something other than getting drinks or coffee for a first date? I could literally drown in all the first date cocktails I have had and anyone who comes up with something different (or agrees to my suggestions) is my hero.

  • If you are asking someone out, be prepared with a suggestion of a plan. Don’t do the “I dunno, what do you want to do?” dance.
  • If you are doing the online thing, make sure you exchange phone numbers so you can call or text if you are running late or have an emergency.
  • Call or text if you are running late or have an emergency.
  • Don’t flake out at the last minute.
  • Dress to impress. Or at least shower and make a little effort.
  • Don’t be late! In fact, try to be a little early so you can get settled and relaxed.
  • Hold up your end of the conversation. Be sure to ask close to as many questions as you are asked (i.e. don’t only talk about yourself). But also, do you best to not only just ask questions (honestly I’ve had dates that felt like interviews). Basically, just be a person talking to another person!!
  • Keep things light and positive. You’re trying to get to know each other, not your baggage.
  • Refrain from checking your phone, except when the other person is in the bathroom.
  • Don’t be rude to the people around you, especially wait staff.
  • Men, we’ve discussed chivalry a bit in the past, and obviously a little bit of the man holding the door for a woman and so forth can be seen as being “well brought up” but don’t go too far by ordering for her, insisting she wait in the car until you open the door, or making her walk on the inside of the sidewalk.
  • Always offer to split the bill. If the asker insists on paying, be gracious and accept.
  • If you aren’t feeling it, don’t text a friend to call you and rescue you that’s super obvious and tacky. Stick it out through one drink, or say, at least an hour, then say you need to run and leave.
  • I think it is acceptable, after a first date that is a flop, for both parties to just never speak again. However, if the other person gets in touch with you to arrange another date, you need to respond to them and let you know you aren’t interested (also, confession time: I am the worst about this and have gone against my own advice on NUMEROUS occasions. But I feel bad about it.) You can just say something like: It’s so great to hear from you and I had a fun time meeting you, but I’m not really interested in exploring this any further.


*Disclaimer: obviously all advice goes out the window when you believe that you are in danger from the other person or they are being truly offensive.

Do I Have To Say Thanks But No Thanks To Wedding Vendors?

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[Via Wikimedia]

Dear Uncommon Courtesy,

After talking with potential wedding vendors and stuff, am I supposed to send a thank you or follow up? These would vendors I have decided not to use.

Sincerely,

Thankful, Really

 

Official Etiquette:

We couldn’t find any official etiquette, but many people on this forum felt that it was nice to send a quick email.

 

Our Take:

Jaya: Oooh. I guess it depends on the type of interaction you’ve already had.

Victoria: So she says they had a three hour tour of one venue and then decided not to go with it.

Jaya: I never followed up with the venues I didn’t choose. I’m not sure if that’s right. But no one emailed me asking where I’d gone

Victoria: I said that it’s probably fine, since it’s a business transaction. And, like, if you are going to go with them, you will let them know.

Jaya: Exactly. Like, it’s easy for it to feel really personal, since it’s your wedding day, and that’s sort of what they’re trying to sell you.

Victoria : Plus you might talk to tons of vendors, so that’s a lot of following up. And even though reading an email takes 20 seconds, if they have 100 people emailing them to let them know they won’t be using their services, that’s actually a lot of time reading emails that aren’t for anything.

Jaya: Yeah, I think it’s only good to respond if you’ve gotten to a certain point. Like if you asked them to hold a date and then say you don’t need it anymore.

Victoria: Oh yeah, definitely! Or in general if you’ve told them yes and then you change your mind.

Jaya: Yeah, thinking back, I didn’t email any vendor just to say I wouldn’t be using their services The only time I can think that you may want to do this is with something more personal, like hair and makeup. If you get trials done by a few people and choose one, you can probably email the others and say you won’t be using them. Though even then, you’ve probably paid them for the trial, so it’s not like they did it for nothing.

How To Order Takeout Like A Champ

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500px-PanuccipizzaWhen I was growing up, a mainstay of our apartment was the gigantic folder of take-out menus next to the phone. I had working parents and cheap Chinese food at my fingertips, and not a week went by when we didn’t order delivery at least once. If you’re thinking this means my parents were horribly neglectful and that I somehow missed out on some quality family bonding time by not having every meal at the family table, please stop, eating pad thai while watching Entertainment Tonight with your mom and your cat is just what a family looks like now okay??

Anyway, at the time ordering delivery was pretty specific to a certain type of city living. It still is, but sites like Seamless and Grubhub make it really easy for a lot more people to do it, which as you may have guessed, opens everyone up to a type of interaction they may not know the rules about! It’s pretty straightforward, but here are some of my tips based on years and years of doing this.

1. If you go crazy with your order, don’t be surprised if it’s not perfect — Think about the restaurant you’re ordering from. It’s probably cheap, or just unfussy. That doesn’t mean that quality restaurants won’t deliver, but the point is to get the food to you fast, not present you a four-star dining experience in a styrofoam tub. If you have allergies or other strong preferences, obviously make them known, but the more complicated the order the greater chance the restaurant will fuck something up.

You’re likely ordering online, so there will be a place for you to type any specifications for most orders, but if you’re ordering over the phone be clear and patient, and ask them to repeat your order back to you to decrease the likeliness of screw ups!

2. If they do get something wrong, figure out whether it’s worth it to bring it up — If the waiter messes up your order in a restaurant, they can usually bring you something else pretty quickly. If the delivery guy forgets your soda, they have to run back to the restaurant to get it for you, and by the time they show up again your dinner will probably be cold. This isn’t to say you shouldn’t complain if your order is messed up, but check in to see if it’s worth the hassle to bring it up. If it is, explain it to the delivery person, and keep them there while you call the restaurant. Ideally they’ll be able to refund you something, or the delivery guy can bring you the right order soon.

I’m never one for chastising waiters in restaurants in general, but I think this goes double for delivery guys. They have brought food TO YOUR HOUSE. Already prepared! Even if the order is messed up or they forgot something, it’s still such a luxury, so just remember to be grateful it’s happening at all.

3. Tip well, especially in bad weather — Seamless sets its default tip to 10%, which frankly, I think is too low. Yes, it’s not like your delivery person is waiting on you, but they’ve carted your meal across town on an electric bike, which is a pretty rough job! You don’t have to go a full 20%, but I think 15% at least is a good tip. However, when it’s bad weather, you should be tipping 20% or more. Likely delivery demand is higher in a rain or a snowstorm because we’re all lazy sons of bitches who don’t feel like walking to the grocery store, and we should be willing to pay more for the privilege. Your delivery guy is likely going to spend all night zipping pizzas around town in a blizzard, so make sure it’s worth his time.

Etiquette Confessions: I’m Terrible At Giving Gifts

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tumblr_llk5tj6wJI1qayyfbo1_500If there’s one thing we don’t want this blog to be, it’s untouchably aspirational. Too often conversations around etiquette require their readers exhibit superhuman feats of kindness, organization, and memorization. That’s not how life goes. Pretty much everyone I know is trying to be a kind, courteous person, and pretty much everyone, including me (oh god especially me) fails at some point. In hopes of proving that you don’t have to be perfect in order to be courteous, we’re going to confess some seemingly simple bits of etiquette that we’ve never been able to do well. Here’s one of mine.

I think there has been one time in my life when I’ve given a good gift. I didn’t even actually give it, I just orchestrated all my friends to chip in and buy this thing for my boyfriend, and the idea of even getting that thing was someone else’s idea. I’m pretty good at telling other people what to do! But I am awful at giving gifts.

It’s not like I don’t care about people enough to give them gifts. I very much do care! I can just never think of anything to give. All of a sudden it’s a week until Christmas and I have no clue what anyone wants. So I find a local store and buy some token thing for everyone that needs a gift (husband, parents, siblings). They’re all fine but they’re never great. I’m even worse at birthdays, which seem to come out of nowhere, and often end up buying a friend a drink or dinner.

When I was a teenager I had this idea that, instead of gifts, I’d write all my friends heartfelt letters on their birthdays, telling them how much they mean to me and what great people they are. This lasted for about a year, and I think got to the core of what my gift-giving abilities are lacking–it’s not that I can’t buy a gift, but I lack the creative gene to give a thoughtful gift. I long to be the type of person who shows up with a present my friend didn’t know they wanted but now can’t live without. Something that wasn’t on a registry or gift list. I will likely never be that person, but I like to think I’m thoughtful in other ways, so hopefully that makes up for it.

I am GREAT at gift wrapping though.

Illness at a Wedding

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I haven't actually seen this movie, but I imagine it could def be caused by a sick person attending a wedding.

I haven’t actually seen this movie, but I imagine it could def be caused by a sick person attending a wedding.

Dear Uncommon Courtesy,

Can you please tell me if the Mother of the Bride must remain at the reception until it is over if she does not feel well? The Brides Father and siblings are still there. 

Sincerely,

Wedding Illness

Official Etiquette:

The Emily Post Institute says that one of the few reasons to miss a wedding or social event that you have previous RSVP’d yes to is illness.

Our Take:

Jaya: So this is curious to me because it was sent at 1am. Like, was this person at the wedding when this happened???

Victoria: Haha maybe!

Jaya: Amazing. Okay so yes, if you are sick, do not hang around the party!

Victoria: If the parents are the hosts, they are supposed to stay until everyone else leaves. BUT there is clearly an exception for illness! Illness trumps everything! I mean, you could even skip the entire day if you were sick enough. And I’m sure you would be heartbroken, but what can you do?

Jaya: I wonder if this is like…she’s “sick,” like obvs don’t use illness as code for “I hate my new in-laws and don’t wanna be here.”

Victoria: Lol, yeah, don’t fake being sick to leave a wedding early if you are the mother of the bride.

Jaya: The wording “must remain at the reception” so gets me though. I think it’s really indicative of how we tend to think of it as this Big Official Thing, when like, it’s a party!

Victoria; Hahah yeah, seriously.

Jaya: I know it’s bigger than a house party, but if you went to a couple’s house and one of them was like “you know, I’m not feeling great, I’m gonna go lie down” but the other one was fine and the party continued, that’s totally normal.

Victoria: I mean, I guess if the bride and groom do the traditional ducking out, then someone has to stay to make sure everyone leaves okay and aren’t abandoned in this function hall.

Jaya: Definitely, stuff needs to be taken care of. Which presumably either the MOB or someone else is able to figure out quickly before she leaves. Just like, say goodbye to the important people, explain you’re sick, and go.

Victoria: Yeah, definitely. I mean, that’s all there really is to say about it. Safety and health trump etiquette at all times. And you definitely don’t want a Typhoid Mary situation where everyone who attended this wedding gets the flu because of the mother of the bride.

Jaya: And good lord, I hope if you’re in the wedding party/the couple/somehow involved here, you are not judging a sick woman for leaving the party early, even if she’s the Mother of the Bride. Though people get weird about it. I had a friend leave my wedding early because she had a migraine (which turned into a much more serious medical issue).

Victoria: Right!

Jaya: And she was like “I’m so sorry I left early!” And it’s like GIRL.

Victoria: Lol but guests can leave after the cake cutting anywaaaaaaay. But in that situation, it is nice to try to find the bride and groom if you can and say goodbye.

Jaya: Even then! If you have a crazy migraine and have to leave, leave! and also definitely leave if it turns into something you are hospitalized for!

Victoria: Hahaha yes absolutely. And by bride and groom, I mean the COUPLE. Or the triple or whatever, we don’t judge.

Jaya: Hahahahaha, the marriage unit.

Victoria: Omg that sounds so horrible. Do not like.

Jaya: I know! Ugh we need better terms because so many of the unisex ones sound so clinical.

Victoria: How about the bewedded.

Jaya: LOVE it sounds like bewitched.