Shark Week Etiquette

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Shark Week started last night, and it runs through Saturday. For millions of Americans, the Discovery Channel’s annual weeklong marathon of shark-themed documentaries is must-see TV. For many of America’s shark scientists, Shark Week represents something more, and the associated rituals and complicated emotions it stirs can be confusing for their non-scientist friends. We asked David Shiffman, a Ph.D. candidate at the University of Miami studying shark ecology and conservation, to explain his Shark Week traditions.

You mentioned “complicated emotions.” How do shark scientists feel about Shark Week?
Many of us have a love-hate relationship with Shark Week. It’s always exciting to see our favorite animals on TV. However, in recent years, Shark Week’s reputation for factual accuracy is, to put it charitably, mixed. Shark Week can also be exhausting for us. I’ll be watching every episode and providing live fact-checking and commentary on twitter, and I’ve done about 20 media interviews so far. So if you attend a Shark Week viewing party with shark researchers, expect lots of surprisingly loud outbursts—some of joy, and some of frustration or even anger.

Wait, a Shark Week viewing party? Is that really a thing that people do?
Yes.

REALLY?
Yes! Really! Is that really any weirder than attending a Super Bowl viewing party when your team isn’t even playing?

Are there any taboo subjects one should avoid discussing with shark researchers at a Shark Week viewing party?
Hoo boy, there sure are! These are pretty generally applicable to any interactions with marine biologists, but emotions can be particularly raw during the “Most Wonderful Week”. If you’re talking with a graduate student, don’t ask when they are graduating—if it’s soon, they’ll proactively tell you, if it’s something they don’t want to discuss because they’re frustrated by lack of progress, they won’t bring it up.  Don’t ask if they are featured in any Shark Week specials—again, if its good news, they’ll bring it up.  And you shouldn’t ever ask any scientist why they went to graduate school in the sciences instead of medical school medical school.

Oh, this is a big one: don’t ask why we chose to study sharks and not dolphins. Many shark researchers hate dolphins due largely to public misunderstanding of the differences between dolphins and sharks.  Also because people ask us if we are getting graduate degrees in marine biology to become dolphin trainers at Sea World (that job does not require a graduate degree in marine science). People think dolphins are all sweet and innocent and that sharks are scary and mean, but did you know that some male dolphins intentionally kill newborns so that those newborns’ mothers will be more willing to mate?  They also torture and kill babies of other species. Dolphins don’t really “save” swimmers from sharks, and in fact sometimes try to rape or drown swimmers. They also have lots of STDs. See, you got me started ranting about dolphins. Don’t do that.

What should I talk about with shark scientists?
Most marine biologists enjoy our work and really enjoy talking about it. Ask us what we’re studying, what our favorite part of our job is, if we have any good stories about working with sharks. Also, most of us are regular people who have lives outside of our jobs, so feel free to ask about whatever you’d talk about with anyone else you’re meeting at a party, like movies, or what your town’s local sportsball team has been up to lately.

Are there any traditional Shark Week viewing party foods or drinks?
Any truly authentic Shark Week viewing party feast should include a seal. If you can’t get a Marine Mammal Protection Act exemption, though, you could always go with gummy sharks, shark fin cupcakes, or shark-shaped watermelon.

To wash it all down, you’ll need some sharky alcohol. Our great nation is blessed with an increasing variety of beers featuring sharks on the label, including Landshark Lager, Lost Coast Brewery’s Great White Lager, and anything by Dogfish Head Brewery.  Be sure to open these beers with a shark bottle opener. There are some liquors with sharks on the label, including mako vodka. If you aren’t a purist, it’s ok to use liquor featuring any kind of marine life, like Black Seal or Kraken. My personal favorite shark-themed mixed drink recipe is the SharkNado, which is made with sparkling cider, sprite, whiskey, rum, and vodka-soaked gummy sharks.  And for your mixed drinks, be sure to use shark fin shaped ice cubes.

 

Soaking gummy sharks in vodka in preparation for making a pitcher of SharkNados. Photo: David Shiffman

Soaking gummy sharks in vodka in preparation for making a pitcher of SharkNados. Photo: David Shiffman

Should I bring a gift to a Shark Week viewing party?
This isn’t strictly necessary, but host gifts are always appreciated at any house party. There are lots of shark-y gifts available.  You can even get a shark-y gift for the host’s pet!

Photo: David Shiffman

Photo: David Shiffman

What should I wear to a Shark Week viewing party?
The dress code is usually Shark Chic. Just wear your favorite article of clothing that has sharks on it.

An example of Shark Chic dress- my fiancée, my friends and I on our way to see Jaws in theaters.

An example of Shark Chic dress- my fiancée, my friends and I on our way to see Jaws in theaters.

Um… what if I don’t have any clothing with sharks on it?
Hahahaha, good one!  I’m pretty sure that everyone has clothes with sharks on them.

What do I do if a situation arises that isn’t covered in this guide?
Feel free to ask me about any Shark Week viewing party etiquette, or any question related to sharks, on my twitter (LINK: Twitter.com/WhySharksMatter) or Facebook Fan Page (Facebook.com/WhySharksMatter). I’m always happy to answer people’s questions.

Happy Shark Week, everyone!

If You Thought Hugging Was Complicated, Kissing Is Worse

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Last week we covered the slightly fraught topic of how to navigate the world of friendly greetings when you’re not much of a hugger, which brings us to an even more complicated version of greetings–kissing. I had a really embarrassing time on vacation in Paris with a cousin’s French fiance, who went in for the double kiss as I sort of frantically waved my arms in a hug attempt while also kissing the air and I think his neck? It was bad, guys. And according to this map by Radical Cartography, I am not alone in being totally confused about the protocol. The map was made in 2013 but whatever, we just found it, and it’s totally relevant.

Screen Shot 2015-07-01 at 11.58.07 AM

 

How are you supposed to know? Why is it spread out like this? WHO KISSES FIVE TIMES?? The lesson I’m pretty much getting out of this is never greet anyone in France.

Polishing Silver

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Not to get too WASPy, but if you’re going to have and use real silver trays and teapots and all that other good stuff that you inherited from your mom and grandma, you should probably give it a good polish once in a while. And while I wouldn’t exactly call it bad ETIQUETTE, serving your guests with tarnished silver pieces (especially silverware) is definitely bad hosting.

However, polishing silver is really easy, doesn’t take much time, and gives you a high level of satisfaction, making it the best kind of chore.

Ugh so gross and tarnished.

Ugh so gross and tarnished.

The first step is to go out and get some silver polish if you don’t already have it.

Silver 2

Read the directions for the brand you get carefully, but usually you apply the polish, rub rub rub the piece, then buff it off with a clean cloth. Sometimes you rinse with water too.

Rub rub, buff buff

Rub rub, buff buff

You can also buy special horsehair brushes to polish intricate details on your silver pieces. I only know this because my mom was FURIOUS when I used hers to scrape baked on gunk off a pan when I was about 13.

So shiny!

So shiny!

Once your silver is all nice and shiny you can put it out for display or store it away. If you store it, buy some Anti-Tarnish Strips and pop them into the container with the silver so it will still be all shiny when you pull it out again.

 

Moving Etiquette

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Of course, Victoria has very neat and organized boxes.

Of course, Victoria has very neat and organized boxes.

Victoria moved recently, so we had a nice talk about how we tip movers and try not to abuse our friends when they help us out.

 

Victoria: I have something else for us to talk about! Moving etiquette! And tipping!

Jaya: Oooh! So what sorts of issues did you run into during your move?

Victoria: So I wish you had been here and not swanning around Europe when I was trying desperately to figure out how much would be a fair tip. Have you ever used movers?

Jaya: I completely forget what we did when we moved last. Technically we had them,  though by “movers” it was more like “three Russian 20 year olds from craigslist with a van.”

Victoria: Matt said that you guys gave them like $20-30/guy.

Jaya: I think that’s about right, and made sure to offer them lots of water.

Victoria: Haha I didn’t really do the water thing, well I sort of did- in our original place, I left out a bunch of plastic cups and said they could help themselves. at the second place, we didn’t have anything. But anyway, my roommate and I had originally agreed that like, $60/guy would be fine. But then, they were SO AWESOME, like literally finished the ENTIRE move in 3 hours and were super nice and jokey the whole time, and never made any gross sexist remarks or anything, that we were like, JK, $80/each sounds better. Which ended up being 20% of the total move cost, which seemed like a good place. But SOME people have told me that that’s crazy high. (ed: but then, isn’t the definition of a tip to be extremely generous when called for?)

Jaya: Interesting. Obviously it depends on the company, but I do think movers are generally paid well, so that tipping a mover is not a requirement like it is for a waiter or hairdresser. According to this, the industry standard is 5%  http://www.moving.com/tips/much-tip-movers-explaining-tipping-etiquette-moving/

Victoria: Ahh but other things online told me they are NOT paid well and tips are essential. Basically what I found is that no one agrees. Some things said 15-20% of the total move, some things said $20 per person.

Jaya: Interesting, The couple links I just pulled up said 5%, but yeah, it varies. I think if you’re going with a moving company, you should absolutely call and ask a manager.

Victoria: But yeah, i think basically you should also go with what feels right, like they also didn’t break or damage a single thing. And like I said, really fast and professional. Whereas if they had been slow and sloppy, the tip would go down.

Jaya: Absolutely. Yeah, I would probably call a manager earlier and ask what the standard is, and then keep that in mind as they do things. If they’re breaking stuff and being jerks, you don’t have to meet that.

Victoria: Yeah, that probably would have been a good idea. Haha, although, I was such a stressball during this move that I think the manager was getting tired of talking to me. Everything was at the absolute last minute and I changed the date once, haha.

Jaya: The other thing I always think about is how moving affects your neighbors. There have been many times when someone is moving into or out of the building where they prop the doors open to get stuff in, but nobody is there watching the doors.

Victoria : The door thing doesn’t bother me so much because usually there’s a steady stream of people in and out.

Oh yeah! My new ~*fancy*~ building has rules- we had to move in on a weekday before 4pm so as not to inconvenience other tenants. AND they made the movers bring everything into the garage and put it in the elevator there instead of going through the lobby which also makes sense.

Jaya: Ooh that makes sense.

Victoria: So what about when your friends help you move? Beer and pizza? What age is it no longer quite cool to make your friends move and you should really be hiring movers? For me, I was definitely not going to be having anyone help me move because I have a TON of stuff and lots of heavy furniture. We had, i think, about 57 boxes. Oh! And our movers mentioned they were happy we put all our books into little boxes so they weren’t too heavy and we were like duh, and they said that not everyone thinks of that.

Jaya: Ooh that’s true! I mean really, I think you can always ask your friends for help, but as we get older you gotta realize not as many people will be able to.

Victoria: Yeah, definitely. Although, I did actually have some friend help this time! So due to the terrible complexity of the situation, I had to sign my lease at 9am on the day of my move and the movers ALSO wanted to arrive at 9am. Luckily, a friend didn’t have to be at work until noon that day, so he came and sat in my apartment to let the movers in until I got back. I bought him a doughnut the day of and I plan to buy him dinner sometime soon.

Jaya: Aww that’s nice! Yeah, I just helped another friend move, but by that I mean I waited in the van and made sure they didn’t get towed while he and his brother carried all his furniture.

Victoria: Hahah yeah. That type of help is always good to give. Also, the building I moved into works with a broker to fill the apartments, so we had to do everything through him (and pay a fee, grrr) but he did come by with a couple of bottles of wine as a housewarming present, which I thought was pretty nice.

Jaya: Hahah that is like, nobody’s experience. I mean that’s amazing but don’t get anyone’s hopes up.

Victoria: Hahaha I know! It was so strange. Also, my previous landlord returned my deposit within 3 days of me requesting it with no fuss.

Jaya: Are you a witch or something?

Victoria: I guess! Maybe it’s karmic retribution for having literally the most stressful move ever. And I basically live in a castle now, so.

Thank Goodness, Wait, Worrying About Reputation Is Still A Woman’s Responsibility

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Joan-Jett-4The more I read old etiquette books, the more I realize just how much was in the wheelhouse of etiquette. I never thought that “leaning awkwardly when sitting” was a matter of manners, but at its broadest, etiquette is just about how to live your life as nicely as you can. In a lot of ways that’s good, but of course, we are all products of our time, and etiquette rules are always heavily influenced by prejudice and respectability politics.

Take this chapter in No Nice Girl Swears, called “You’re The First Man I Ever Kissed.” It’s a cheekily-written guide for women on how to flirt, date and socialize with men while maintaining one’s reputation. Author Alice Leone-Moats at least recognizes that “petting” is a pretty natural part of human interaction, and that doing it well is a matter of what you can get away with. Still, the fact is that it’s something you have to “get away with.” “Anyone will admit that in the long run a reputation for being a heavy necker doesn’t really add to a girl’s popularity,” she writes, striking a clear difference between giving into romance and “petting for petting’s sake.” Of course, a man’s reputation is never sullied no matter how much he pets or for whose sake.

The etiquette rules here become a woman’s line to walk, finding a way to “keep a man on the string and yet never let him get an opportunity to make a direct pass.” She goes on to explain how to defer a physical pass in the back of a taxi, to rarely dine with married men (even if you have the wife’s permission), and to always act like it’s your first time in a man’s apartment, no matter how many times you’ve been there. Which seems like it would inspire more awkwardness than anything. “Ooh what a lovely home!” “Janet you’ve been here at least a dozen times before.” “HOW YOU JEST, DEAR BOY, MY WHAT A FETCHING RUG.” But it is the woman’s job to ensure nothing bad happens. She is the enforcer of boundaries. A “no” must be pressed rather than a “yes” offered, and if something does happen it’s on the woman. She either should have fought harder or not gotten herself into that situation in the first place. And if this sounds familiar, well, not much has changed.

There’s a wistfulness to the chapter, as if Leone-Moats wishes she didn’t have to write it. “Of course it seems all wrong that in this world appearances count for more than actions, but it has always been so and we can do nothing but accept it.” It’s the ultimate double standard–consent to making out in the back of a cab and your reputation is ruined, don’t consent and you get taken advantage of, and your reputation is still ruined. Better to hold in your desires for the sake of propriety than not and subject yourself to judgment and, possibly, violence. It’s a decision no woman should have to make, and certainly should not be a matter of etiquette. Unfortunately, it’s still a matter of survival.