If You Thought Hugging Was Complicated, Kissing Is Worse

Last week we covered the slightly fraught topic of how to navigate the world of friendly greetings when you’re not much of a hugger, which brings us to an even more complicated version of greetings–kissing. I had a really embarrassing time on vacation in Paris with a cousin’s French fiance, who went in for the double kiss as I sort of frantically waved my arms in a hug attempt while also kissing the air and I think his neck? It was bad, guys. And according to this map by Radical Cartography, I am not alone in being totally confused about the protocol. The map was made in 2013 but whatever, we just found it, and it’s totally relevant.

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How are you supposed to know? Why is it spread out like this? WHO KISSES FIVE TIMES??┬áThe lesson I’m pretty much getting out of this is never greet anyone in France.