Category Archives: A Perfectly Polite Wedding

How To Throw A Polite Wedding On The Cheap, Pt. 2

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Get all your drinkware at Party City! Plastic is not rude!

Get all your drinkware at Party City! Plastic is not rude! [Via]

Alright, we already discussed that Daily Mail article and some of the crazier ways people are saving money…sometimes by being really rude to their guests. But what can you actually do to save money on your wedding day while ensuring you’re not offending anyone? Here we are to break it down for you! (By the way, there are a lot of amazing guides about how to save money on your wedding in general. We’re just going to focus on parts that deal with etiquette.)

Guest List

Hosting a party means treating guests to anything they may enjoy within the party–meaning if you’re offering it, it should be free. That goes for food, drink, entertainment, knick-knacks, etc. [Uncommon Courtesy is split on the concept of pot-luck weddings. Jaya thinks they’re okay as long as you make it clear and are ready to field questions and concerns, Victoria thinks they’re terrible.] Yes, there are areas where cash bars and things of the sort are more accepted, so YMMV, but really we’re going to take a firm stance on this. Don’t invite 200 people if you can’t provide for 200 people. Don’t invite 5 if you can’t provide for 5 either. This might take some hard negotiating, but sometimes that’s what wedding planning is about.

Food & Drink

Most people think that the only way to have a “proper” wedding is to do a sit-down dinner (and then pass the costs onto your guests if you can’t afford it) but that’s just not true! You can host a brunch reception, or do cake & punch, or passed hors d’oeuvres. You can just do beer and wine instead of a full bar, or do a taco buffet. If you eschew a full sit-down meal, you can also often accommodate more guests. Just make sure that there are actually places to sit for the elderly/easily tired, or surfaces on which to place food. It’s never easy to drink with one hand and balance a plate of appetizers with another.

Timing

This is slightly related to food and drink, because the time of day you have your reception will influence what you serve. It’s generally considered polite to provide a meal if your reception is taking place during an assumed meal time, and since lots of people have receptions that take place from roughly 6-10, that means an actual dinner will need to be served. You do not have to do this, but if you  hold your reception during dinner time, you should make it extremely clear that a full dinner will not be served, and be ready for some people to bail so they can find pizza.

However, if your reception is from 3-6, that frees you up to serve some light snacks and drinks, and many venues will give you a discount for not using the space during “peak” times!

Decor

Similarly to the idea that you need a sit-down dinner, a lot of people assume you need fine china and flatware. Yes, it feels nice, and you don’t want someone trying to cut a steak with a flimsy plastic knife, but there are a lot of great looking plastic/paper utensils out there. As long as everyone has functional enough tools to eat, the rest is just a matter of taste.

Invitations

Etiquette doesn’t care if you have a hand-inked suite with individual, foil-lined envelopes and tissue paper between each page. It used to, but it doesn’t anymore, because we’re all sane people who understand that paper costs money. Instead of an RSVP card, ask your guests to email RSVP. Instead of a separate card telling your guests about accommodations and directions, set up a wedding website and ask them to get the details there. Also, there are plenty of websites that offer gorgeous, customizable invitations without having to pay for a calligrapher.

Favors

Favors are not necessary! I will repeat this until it shines through everyone’s skulls like sunlight through a magnifying glass, condensing on the brain of that one aunt who is nagging you about jordan almonds. The reception is the favor–paying for food and drinks and entertainment for your guests is the thanks you are giving them for bearing witness to your marriage. They do not need to take home a jar of jam or a keychain with your names on it after that, and even Emily Post agrees that it’s not any sort of breach of etiquette not to provide them. Similarly, you don’t have to provide gift bags for guests in from out of town. Unfortunately, I think these customs have become so popular that people assume they will happen, and that you’re a bad host if they don’t. So please, help me in breaking the trend and saving yourself some cash.

How To Throw A Polite Wedding On The Cheap, Pt. 1

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A backyard tiki wedding sounds AWESOME

A backyard tiki wedding sounds AWESOME [Via]

Dispatches from wedding world have been getting a little crazy. People are getting their weddings corporately sponsored. They’re asking guests to pay for their dinners, or putting bank transfer details on invitations. They’re yelling at guests for not giving them enough money. It’s nonsense, but it’s an unfortunate symptom of an industry that tends to conflate “fancy” with “polite.”

We are taught that providing the MOST at a party is the nicest thing you can do, so couples want to provide the MOST at their weddings, and when they realize that it gets expensive quickly, they decide that they should pass the costs onto guests…completely forgetting that whole “hosting” thing.

The bottom line is your wedding is about making whoever is invited feel welcome and thanked. This doesn’t mean you have to invite 200 people. This doesn’t mean you have to serve a sit-down dinner or have a top-shelf bar. This doesn’t mean you have to give everyone elaborate favors. You just have to make people feel welcome, and that is easier than you may think.

Recently, The Daily Mail outlined some ways couples are trying to scrimp and save on their weddings (though it doesn’t really cite anything). We discussed a few of them.

Asking Guests To Cover Their Meal

Jaya: “Bank details are often printed at the bottom of the invitation so you can pay for the meal in advance.” faints

Victoria: Okay! This is a Europe vs America thing- Europeans don’t use checks ever at all, they do everything through direct transfers. So basically its the same as expecting someone to send a check. Still tacky, obvs, but it’s the request for money, not the bank details.

Jaya: Still, the idea of putting any request besides for RSVP on an invitation! The only time I can think of it being okay to ask for wedding guests to pay for their own dinner is if you get a courthouse marriage and just ask everyone to join you at a restaurant after, where it is 100% clear you are not actually hosting, you’re just asking people to meet you for dinner.

Victoria: Do not ask anyone to pay for any part of a party you are hosting is my firm line. I mean, you can ask your parents but not guests.

Returning Registry Gifts For Money

Victoria: I think the argument there is that it’s disingenuous to act like you want all that stuff and never ever have any intention of actually keeping it.

Jaya: Yes. You don’t have to make a registry, or put a million things on it. If you just want cash, don’t make a registry and you’ll probably get cash.

Victoria: And then you can cash in all those toasters you do get with a free conscience.

Jaya: Exactly. Once you give a gift, it’s not up to you to judge how the person uses it (or returns it).

Email Invitations

Jaya: I see no problem with this.

Victoria: Yeah, I don’t reaaaaallly care about email invitations. I care a little, but not much.

Jaya:  The only time I can see it being an issue is if most people don’t use email, because then it’s not even functional. But if you’re not a sentimental person, and just want to get the information out, this is just fine. Go for it.

Victoria: Right, but that’s a different thing. it’s something I would raise my eyebrows at stylistically (similar to heavily themed weddings), but everyone has the right to do it as long as they aren’t also being rude. It’s more a matter of personal taste than etiquette.

“One of the newest tricks is covertly providing champagne for the wedding party – the bride and groom, bridesmaids and best man – but no one else.”

Jaya: Serving only champagne to the bride and groom and family and not everyone else seems weird, but then they mention the bride and groom getting top shelf champagne and serving everyone else something cheap. That just seems overly complicated.

Victoria: Yesss also, just obnoxious. Just get everyone the same stuff!!!

Jaya: Or just don’t serve champagne! I know the champagne toast is seen as this classic thing, but you can do it with wine.

Selling Your Wedding Supplies

Victoria: This is just SMART.

Jaya: Yes! So many wedding websites have little marketplaces for your excess candles and chair covers and whatnot, because you will probably never use them again.

Asking Friends For Help

Jaya: I think this heavily depends on who you’re asking and what you’re asking them to do. It’s totally acceptable, but there’s a line between asking people for help and asking them to become your employees for the day.

Victoria: And it depends on their tolerance for it. I think it’s a very “know your audience” sort of thing, though there are some things I think are never really okay- like making them clean up the whole reception afterwards, except in possibly very special circumstances.

Jaya: Yes. I think my personal line is making guests do any sort of work during the actual wedding or immediately after. Setup, sure. Asking friends to help with crafts in the months leading up, totally. But once you’re in party mode I think it’s really rude to ask people to remove themselves so they can break down tables. Also, you shouldn’t plan the wedding under the assumption that you’ll get this help. Like, be ready to make every one of those streamers yourselves if none of your friends want to spend a night crafting with you.

Uninvitations: “Brides who want to let would-be guests down gently send out Non-Invitations, which are meant to be a polite way of letting people know they haven’t made the cut.”

Jaya: Jesus fucking christ.

Victoria: It’s so unnecessary and potentially hurtful! People will know they are not invited if they do not receive an invitation!

Jaya: Yes! Also you do not owe anyone an explanation for this sort of stuff! Oh my god this is just too much.

 

And there you have it! Next up, we’ll be discussing some more ways you can save money while still having a beautiful and polite wedding.

Are Thank You Note Services Rude?

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5542053136_cf01d74e05It recently came to our attention that there are a myriad of services out there that will take care of all the pesky parts of thank you writing (for save the dates, invitations and the like as well.) Basically, the service emails all your guests and asks for their addresses, compiles them into a database. You then input the invitation information or your thank you note contents (presumably these are individualized) and it prints it out, puts it in an envelope, stamps it, and mails it. So you are still writing the content, but then you don’t have to deal with any of the hassle. We had a nice talk about whether this was rude or not, but share your opinion in the poll at the bottom!

Victoria: Soooo what do we think about this service that writes your thank you notes for you? (I mean you write the content, but skip the actual writing and licking and stamping and such.) I actually sent a card to my mom this way once- she was weirdly offended. And it was just a random no occassion card!!
Jaya: Oooh, yeah I think it’s weird. Like, at that point, send an email or type out a letter.
Victoria: Yeah exactly, I think it makes you look lazy to the point of not caring. Seems great for invitations though.
Jaya: You used it though?
Victoria: It was a similar thing and I had a coupon code for it- Hallmark has a thing where you can send cards directly from their website, so I tried it out and my mom did not love it. Which is CRAZY because she is the queen of e-cards.
Jaya: It is really strange, because you realize the line is so murky. Like, handwritten from you is ok, e-cards are ok, but a handwritten card done through the internet is not.
Victoria: Yeah, I mean, I guess it does end up looking like a tricky junk mail spam thing.
Jaya: Yeah, all those “handwritten” fonts don’t look natural anyway. It’s interesting though, that there’s a market for it. That people value the idea of getting a handwritten note so much they’re willing to automate the process, but not to the point of getting an email.
Victoria: Haha yeah, but I think it ends up backfiring because it looks so weird. I think its almost better to just send an email, it’s more natural.
Jaya: Definitely. I really am all for email thank yous. Especially since I’ve gotten a few thank you notes returned and people aren’t getting back to me about their actual addresses
Victoria: Ahhh yeah. I dunno, I still really like handwritten notes, but then, I never got yours because it was lost in the mail. So maybe it would have been better to just have it in an email. Then again, things can get lost in email junk folders too.
Jaya: If the point is conveying earnest thanks, I don’t see how ink does that better. I’ll still do it, because I know people appreciate it. It just seems like ok, you can do it if the ink comes from you, not if you say the exact same thing to Hallmark and they write it down for you. At that point, is any thank you note that’s been dictated to a secretary or something less meaningful?
Victoria: Yeah! I think the show of effort counts a bit- it takes you know, 5 minutes to actually write the thing, but you double your time by having to lick the envelope, stamp it, write the address and stick it in the mail. And time=love, I guess.  Like how homemade cookies somehow seem more caring than storebought?
Jaya: Yeah! Even though if you’re a shitty baker it probably isn’t great. And what takes more time, carving cookies off a Tollhouse roll, or driving to a good bakery and picking them out?
Victoria: That’s a great point. So basically do what feels right, but know that a lot of people will still expect the traditional handwritten note.

Does Pot Have A Place In Weddings?

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At the risk of sounding like a total fucking square, I want to talk about the pot article in the New York Times this weekend. No, not the one where they make a well researched and reasoned argument for the legalization of marijuana. The one where a bunch people consult professionals over what strain of weed to serve at their weddings. While visiting my parents this weekend, I woke up early and found myself reading this article on the porch, trying to stifle my laughs, make sense of the world, and wondering whether I was finally out of touch.

The gist is that, in states where pot has become legal, people are finding ways to incorporate it into their weddings. The ideas range from reasonable (have a box of joints available near the bar for everyone’s use) to slightly ridiculous (naming your tables after different strains, like Grape Ape and Skunk 1–potheads should never name things).  And given that we’ve written about both pot and weddings before, this seems to be right up our alley. So let’s discuss.

As much as I wanted to dismiss this whole thing, if you use the logic of “pot is no worse than alcohol,” a lot of this makes a lot of sense. If it’s legal, and thus gaining social acceptability, why not have a few joints or e-cigarettes available with cocktails? If people are getting their friends to brew them craft beer for their receptions, why not have a friend who grows make you a special strain? “We’ve got to get to the point where smoking is classier than drinking,” said one “budtender” (UGH) in the article, and it’s true that lighting up isn’t quite as sexy as sipping a martini, but it’s not hard to see how it would get there.

However, where I personally draw the line is turning pot from an available item into a “theme.” I feel this way about alcohol “themed” weddings as well. It’s one thing to have an open bar, but quite another to insist that drinking be part of everyone’s experience, and it’s no different with pot. Having pot brownies instead of a cake, or giving away pot plants as favors, suggests that this is more of a mandatory activity.

As with alcohol and liquor licenses, there are also logistics to consider. Unless you’re in a very well ventilated place, you’re encouraging a lot of secondhand smoke (and secondhand highs), and even if you’re outdoors it’s hard not to smell pot. You risk guests going back to states, and jobs, where marijuana isn’t legal, and possibly getting busted on a drug test.

In our recent theme of sobriety, also remember that, like any other drug, pot isn’t for everyone. The article quoted a lot of people saying how relaxed pot makes everyone, how loving and emotional and kind. And that’s true for many people! But it can make others paranoid and quiet and antisocial. Weddings are parties, and your goal at any party is making sure your guests feel comfortable and provided for (without driving yourself crazy or having it turn into something you don’t want). If, for your group of people, that means pot at every table then go for it. Just make sure you’re not going to alienate anyone by making it the focal point of your day.

Also don’t ever catch yourself saying sentences like “The Space Cheese itself lent a giggly buzz to everyone while we rehashed the day’s events.” Potheads! Get better at naming things!

So You Want To Have a Themed Wedding

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Super special thanks to Matt Lubchansky for taking my little pencil drawing and making it all fancy.

Super special thanks to Matt Lubchansky for taking my little pencil drawing and making it all fancy.

So you’re getting married and want to have a wedding that totally represents everything about you as a couple and that’s great! Although, this might be a good time to bring up the point that sometimes your flowers can just be flowers and don’t have to be THE flowers that SYMBOLIZE your love (just a thought!). Anyway, I was reading this great post on OffBeat Bride about themed weddings and being inclusive to all your guests and my own opinion of it is that you don’t really have to explain your theme to your guests at all. Yes, sure YOU are very excited about your elaborate Dr. Who centerpieces, but unless your guests are into it, those centerpieces are just centerpieces to them, and that’s okay. I am a big wedding fan and love little details. Recently, I attended Jaya’s wedding, and despite hearing about all the details for MONTHS in advance and being ready to check everything out- in the moment, I was so BUSY having an amazing time that I completely forgot to look at any details at all. It all looked beautiful and that was enough. That being said, there are a few things to keep in mind when having a theme heavy wedding.

Ceremony:

By all means, work your theme or references into your vows and readings. Just leave enough of the usual bits that people know that they are for sure witnessing a wedding ceremony. Perhaps do not conduct the ceremony in Klingon, at least without a translator.

Costumes:

You cannot require your guests to wear full-on costumes to your wedding.  Now don’t pout, Jaya and I LOVE costume parties and throw a costume birthday party every year where we highly suggest costumes (and inspires some interesting costumes from costume hating people- such as the same increasingly ratty wig being used three times to represent different costumes). However, anyone who doesn’t want to attend a regular costume party can just say no. A wedding has a much stronger expectation of attendance and your guests are supposed to be your friends and loved ones, not costumed extras in your pageant.

By all means, share the theme and welcome your guests to dress accordingly if they wish. I went to a 20s themed wedding and a good portion of the guests went with 20s inspired outfits- I wore a ruffled dress that kinda sorta looked flapperish. But don’t turn your family and friends away if they don’t have the energy to make a Victorian Zombie costume!

Also, please cut out the dress code instructions for Cowboy Chic or Steampunk Cocktail or Ocean Colors. No one knows what you mean (probably not even you) and you are just inviting 1,000 emails from stressed Aunts asking what you mean. Your dress code choices are informal or formal (black tie/cocktail attire are acceptable too). That’s it. The only people whose attire you can dictate is your own (you being the couple), and your wedding party. Besides, as in the aforementioned flapper wedding, many people will catch onto a theme and dress a little accordingly on their own.

Reception:

Go nuts with your decorations, just don’t get annoyed if people don’t particularly notice or care. Some commenters on Offbeat Bride suggest a glossary of all your references (the best place would be on your wedding website). This is fine, but again, don’t be put out if people don’t get really into it. Don’t force people to care either- trivia games and scavenger hunts will not be fun for people who aren’t already interested or aren’t familiar with your theme.

That said, know your crowd! Maybe your family and friends really will be into finding all your references and competing with the other tables in trivia. The same for other reception activities–karaoke or board games will go over well with some crowds and not with others (same with dancing, for that matter). But be honest with yourself; if you are inviting 10 of your gamer friends and 90 conservative extended family members, a giant, all-inclusive light saber fight is probably not going to happen.

Speeches too, shouldn’t be only full of in-jokes between the speaker and the happy couple. There’s only so much control you have over the speeches given to you, but it’s something to keep in mind. Actually the best Maid of Honor speech I’ve heard was thematically about Harry Potter, but it really told a story about the couple and was very sweet.

Just remember, always, that your guests are there to celebrate with you. As long as you give them food (appropriate to the time of the reception), drinks (or some kind, doesn’t have to be alcohol), a place to sit (if necessary), and make sure you greet every single guest, then you have fulfilled your hosting duties and everything else is up to you. Just remember to send your (themed, natch!) thank you notes.