Firstly I want to say Uncommon-Courtesy is amazing, and I love it, and you’re both geniuses.
I have a question about thank you notes, specifically thank you notes after a funeral. My father passed away, and my sister and I were the primary mourners; we’re both in our early 20s and had really good intentions about sending notes to thank people for flowers, mass cards, and the donations made in our Dad’s name. I feel like our age gave us SOME leeway on response time, but it’s now been six months and though we have all the information and note cards and addresses it’s been difficult to imagine writing them until now.
I guess my question is, how bad is this? Is it too late to send a note for this kind of circumstance, or should we include an aside apologizing for our delay? I hate the idea that a bunch of people think we’re unforgivably rude, but I guess I’m also nervous about bringing up a pretty terrible occurrence after so much time has passed. What would Uncommon Courtesy do?
A caveat: it turns out we were wrong, as you can see from the Official Etiquette section, thank you notes are required for all gifts and flowers. However, from reading other etiquette sites, it looks like a lot of people don’t actually expect to receive them in the way the expect thank you notes for wedding/birthday/baby gifts, so we still stand behind saying that if it’s too much for you, you should skip it.
Victoria: We are geniuses!
Jaya: We are!!!
Victoria: So I’m curious what your first thought is.
Jaya: Okay. So I’m actually not that familiar with funeral thank you note etiquette. I’ve never had to go through this. But I’d think that people’d be really forgiving, since you’re grieving. And that maybe this should be someone else’s responsibility.
Victoria: Haha yeah. So I’m not 100% sure and will look it up later (and it will be fun to see if I’m wrong [ED: I was wrong!]), but I BELIEVE that you are not obligated to send thank you notes for condolence notes/gifts. It’s certainly nice, but yeah, the point is to make you feel better about your loss, not put an extra burden on you.
Jaya: Definitely. So I mean, fuck aaaaanyone who tries to make you feel bad about this. Also, I sort of agree with her that if enough time has passed that no one is actively grieving anymore, it might be worse as a reminder? I’m not sure, but I could see how that could happen.
Victoria: Yeah, totally. Although, if she’s already compiled notes and addresses and stuff, it certainly does no harm to send them.
Jaya: That’s true. If the notes are there, you might as well send them. But she and her sister have no reason to feel guilty.
It recently came to our attention that there are a myriad of services out there that will take care of all the pesky parts of thank you writing (for save the dates, invitations and the like as well.) Basically, the service emails all your guests and asks for their addresses, compiles them into a database. You then input the invitation information or your thank you note contents (presumably these are individualized) and it prints it out, puts it in an envelope, stamps it, and mails it. So you are still writing the content, but then you don’t have to deal with any of the hassle. We had a nice talk about whether this was rude or not, but share your opinion in the poll at the bottom!
Victoria: Soooo what do we think about this service that writes your thank you notes for you? (I mean you write the content, but skip the actual writing and licking and stamping and such.) I actually sent a card to my mom this way once- she was weirdly offended. And it was just a random no occassion card!!
Jaya: Oooh, yeah I think it’s weird. Like, at that point, send an email or type out a letter.
Victoria: Yeah exactly, I think it makes you look lazy to the point of not caring. Seems great for invitations though.
Jaya: You used it though?
Victoria: It was a similar thing and I had a coupon code for it- Hallmark has a thing where you can send cards directly from their website, so I tried it out and my mom did not love it. Which is CRAZY because she is the queen of e-cards.
Jaya: It is really strange, because you realize the line is so murky. Like, handwritten from you is ok, e-cards are ok, but a handwritten card done through the internet is not.
Victoria: Yeah, I mean, I guess it does end up looking like a tricky junk mail spam thing.
Jaya: Yeah, all those “handwritten” fonts don’t look natural anyway. It’s interesting though, that there’s a market for it. That people value the idea of getting a handwritten note so much they’re willing to automate the process, but not to the point of getting an email.
Victoria: Haha yeah, but I think it ends up backfiring because it looks so weird. I think its almost better to just send an email, it’s more natural.
Jaya: Definitely. I really am all for email thank yous. Especially since I’ve gotten a few thank you notes returned and people aren’t getting back to me about their actual addresses
Victoria: Ahhh yeah. I dunno, I still really like handwritten notes, but then, I never got yours because it was lost in the mail. So maybe it would have been better to just have it in an email. Then again, things can get lost in email junk folders too.
Jaya: If the point is conveying earnest thanks, I don’t see how ink does that better. I’ll still do it, because I know people appreciate it. It just seems like ok, you can do it if the ink comes from you, not if you say the exact same thing to Hallmark and they write it down for you. At that point, is any thank you note that’s been dictated to a secretary or something less meaningful?
Victoria: Yeah! I think the show of effort counts a bit- it takes you know, 5 minutes to actually write the thing, but you double your time by having to lick the envelope, stamp it, write the address and stick it in the mail. And time=love, I guess. Like how homemade cookies somehow seem more caring than storebought?
Jaya: Yeah! Even though if you’re a shitty baker it probably isn’t great. And what takes more time, carving cookies off a Tollhouse roll, or driving to a good bakery and picking them out?
Victoria: That’s a great point. So basically do what feels right, but know that a lot of people will still expect the traditional handwritten note.
Do people still register in the store with these little scanners? [Via flickr user salvationmedia]
Dear Uncommon Courtesy,
What should I write on the “note” that gets included on the packaging when buying a wedding gift off the registry? Do I then follow up with a card?
Sincerely,
Wanting to Give the Appropriate Congratulations
Official Etiquette:
Miss Manners doesn’t believe in registries in the first place, so she doesn’t really have any advice about this.
Our Take:
Victoria: As a person with a wedding registry, what do people write on the registry packaging that they send you? And then do they follow up with a card?
Jaya: So far I’ve never had anyone follow up with a card
Victoria: Really? I always do.
Jaya: I personally find it unnecessary. They know who it’s from, they know you’re happy for them, why waste paper?
Victoria: OH! You know what, I bet a lot of people will bring them to the reception. You will have to give an update after the wedding.
Jaya: So some examples of what we’ve received:
Aunt and uncle wrote “Congratulations on this very special day! We love you! ”
Mom’s friend wrote “A toast to many wonderful years together. Cheers! And all best wishes!” (she got us some glasses and a cocktail shaker)
Matt’s great aunt said “Have a happy life together.” The period seemed ominous
Victoria: Hahah those are amazing.
Jaya: Part of what I like about the registry I used is they have a list of who got you what, and you can track if you’ve already sent a thank you note.
Victoria: That’s nice! Yeah, even if the registry does that I think its a good idea to make sure you put your name in a message somewhere just to make sure that the couple does know who its from.
Jaya: Do you have to send a thank you note for a card? Like, a card with no money in it?
Victoria: Nope, I mean, maybe if all they got you was a card but came from far away, you might still consider writing a note.I think it’s becoming more important as people get more spread out and have big weddings that people want to attend, to consider people’s “presence to be their present” and acknowledge it in the same way they do for a physical gift.
I’ve saved my post about gifts and gift registries for last because they are the least important part of your wedding. Yet somehow they get quite a lot of attention on etiquette sites and in the news.
Here’s the thing, yes you are going to get gifts because that is what is done. However, gifts for weddings are completely optional, the amount a guest spends on their gift is up to them (I don’t ever want to hear the words “cover your plate” coming out of the mouth of a couple about their own wedding), AND what a guest chooses to give you is also up them.
Registries
Back in the day, a bride would go down to the department store in her hometown and pick out a china pattern and a silver pattern (this means the design on your knives and forks, btw). The store would note it down and when people came in to buy the bride a gift, the store could tell them what patterns she had chosen and they could select a place setting or two and be on their way. And that was the beginning of registries.
Now, you can register for anything your little heart desires. This is great! Not everyone needs 12 settings of Wedgewood china and Waterford crystal. However it also creates some confusion about what a registry really is.
A registry is a list of IDEAS. It can also be somewhat helpful in preventing a couple from receiving 5 toasters (has this really ever happened? Why is the example always toasters? ED NOTE: I got two waffle irons! No toasters yet -Jaya). A registry is not a list of demands or a shopping list for guests to pick from. Guests can absolutely get you things that aren’t on your registry.
Now if you are going to set one up, try to come up with items in a range of prices and try to come up with enough items that guests feel like they have some options.
Alternative Registries
Every day it seems that a new entrepreneurial has created a new way to do online registries. A popular version is the honeymoon registry. While many of your elderly relatives might be heartily offended by these types of registries, they are growing in popularity and are now generally accepted even by etiquette experts (such as the Emily Post Institute). However, there are good ways and bad ways to do a honeymoon registry.
A good way is to list a number of experiences you want to enjoy on the honeymoon- things that feel like real gifts, not just chipping in for airfare. Then, if you receive your “massage on the beach” or whatever, you should do you best to actually do that activity, even though the honeymoon registry company basically just gives you a big check at the end.
A bad way to do it is to just have a general fund that all the guests deposit money into- feels more like you are collecting cash rather than receiving gifts. You should also do what you can to make sure any fees are paid directly by you rather than passing them on to your guests.
Another new registry type is where you list the things you want and guests contribute money to those items through the site. For example, you want a KitchenAid Mixer (it’s not a registry without a KitchenAid, amirite?), but you know that no one will be able to buy you one for $400. So you split it up and ask for 4 gifts of $100 each for the mixer. This is pretty cool! Just like chipping in for a group gift but with less hassle. However, if you are asking for all this stuff, you should do your best to actually buy the things you are asking for when you get your big check at the end. If you are using these registries to trick your guests into giving you cash when they think they are buying you a mixer that you will bake Christmas cookies for years with, then that is extremely shady and you shouldn’t be doing it.
Asking For Cash
That brings me to my next point, cash. Cash is great, everyone loves it! It’s so great that everyone already knows you might like it, so you don’t need to ask for it. I mean think about it, here’s this list of items you might like for your newly wedded home and then at the bottom, you are like, “cash is good too!” Umm, duh.
However, you don’t have to despair. You can get the word around by word of mouth- tell your mother, tell your partner’s mother, tell your bridal party. And if someone ASKS you what you want, it’s totally fine to say “oh we are saving up for a house, so we would really love some money for that, but anything you want to give us is great!” It just doesn’t belong on a list. And if you don’t make a registry, many people will infer that you would prefer cash (though you might end up with some really hideous and/or memorable gifts as well.)
Getting the Word Out
So you’ve made this carefully curated registry. Now how do you let everyone know about it? Traditionally, it was all spread by word of mouth. Your aunt would call up your mom and ask her where you were registered and your mom would tell her. This still works! And again, if someone asks you where you are registered, you can tell them.
The one thing you do not want to do is include any mention of gifts or registries on the invitation. The invitation is all about wanting the guest to come share your day, not about what they are going to give you. This includes “no gifts please,” the point is to not talk about gifts, even not wanting them.
A really excellent place for registry information is on your wedding website, under its own discreet link. This creates a polite layer in which the guest is seeking out information that they want, you are not waving it in their face telling them to buy you stuff.
The Gifts Start Rolling In
It might surprise you at how soon after you announce your engagement that gifts start showing up at your door, so be prepared.
It is traditional that you don’t use your wedding gifts until after the wedding. The reason for this is that, if something should happen and the wedding is called off, those gifts must be returned to the giver!
Make sure you keep track of who sent you what- spreadsheets are great for this! This way makes it easier to send thank you notes.
Thank You Notes
Handwritten thank you notes are absolutely mandatory for wedding gifts. Even if you called them or thanked them in person, you still need to send a note. Wedding gift giving is a sort of formalized gift giving tradition that is basically required of all your guests. Therefore it deserves a formal thank you in return.
For gifts that arrive prior to your wedding, you want to send out a thank you within 2-3 weeks of receiving the gift (so they know it arrived safely!). DO NOT wait until after your wedding to send these notes. You are going to want to break up the note writing as much as possible so you don’t have to do 100 at once!
For anything that arrives shortly before your wedding, on the day, or afterwards, you only have 3-4 months tops to get them done. A year is a MYTH. Just do it and you can enjoy married life without the Sword of Thank You Notes Yet To Be Written hanging over your head.
I hope you all have enjoyed my series on How to Throw a Perfectly Polite Wedding. Be sure to check out all the earlier posts as well!
After all the fun and festivities are over, why not consider getting started on your thank you notes? Check out our post on how to write a thank you note.
uncommon-courtesy.com 
