Emily Gilmore: Etiquette Hero

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We missed the first round of Gilmore Girls thinkpieces because I didn’t even think of doing an etiquette themed Gilmore Girls post until Jaya offhandedly mentioned how rude Lorelei is (she talks during movies at the theater! The worst etiquette sin!) As fun and relateable as Rory and Lorelei are, the older I get the more I find myself appreciating Emily Gilmore. While she does have her many problems, in many ways she reminds me of my own mom (except my mom is loving and wonderful, not so cold) in that as a woman of that generation, she has very specific ideas about what is proper and what isn’t.

Emily must have made an impression on me during my original watch because I even joined the DAR paaartly because of how fun it looked in GG (there are no games of which Founding Father-ILF in real life [because everyone knows it’s Alexander Hamilton, duh- just go look at a $20 bill!]) I think actor Kelly Bishop deserves special recognition because in the wrong hands, Emily could have been insufferable instead of charming and humorous.

So after binging on many hours of Gilmore Girls on Netflix (for research, yo), I have found many instances of Emily Girlmore’s etiquette prowess:

1.9 Rory’s Dance

Rory is getting ready for her first formal. Emily pops by their house to take pictures before Rory leaves. Dean honks and Rory runs for the door:

EMILY: You do not go running out the door when a boy honks.
LORELAI: Mom, it’s fine.
EMILY: It certainly is not fine. This is not a drive through. She’s not fried chicken.
RORY: But I told him to honk and I’d meet him out there. We agreed.
EMILY: I don’t care what you told him. If he wants to take you out, he will walk up to this door, and know, and say ‘good evening,’ and come inside for a moment like any civilized human being would know to do.
LORELAI: Now, Mom, this is silly, I have met him already.
EMILY: Well I haven’t.
LORELAI: Yeah, but–
EMILY: We will wait until he comes to the door.
RORY: He doesn’t know he’s supposed to.
EMILY: He will figure it out.
(Rory sighs and crosses her arms. They wait in silence. A minute or so later, Dean honks again.)
EMILY: He’s not a very bright boy, is he?
LORELAI: Mom, please.
(The doorbell rings. Rory starts to run to the door.)
EMILY: Don’t rush. A lady never rushes.

5.13 Wedding Bell Blues

Emily is going Lorelai’s house before her vow renewal to Richard. She runs into Luke outside the house and they briefly chat. Luke offers her congratulations on the vow renewal and she corrects him: “You congratulate the groom. You offer the bride best wishes.”

5.20 How Many Kropogs to Cape Cod?

In this episode, Rory offhandedly mentions to Richard and Emily that she had had dinner at the Huntzbergers the week previously and Richard and Emily freak out that they haven’t reciprocated:

EMILY: Richard, it’s already been a week!
RICHARD: We need to invite him right away!
RORY: Who?
EMILY: Logan! The ball’s been dropped!
RICHARD: I’ll put an invite in the mail first thing tomorrow.
EMILY: We really should have had him over first. We probably should call him as well.
RICHARD: We could messenger it in by tonight, it isn’t even eight.
RORY: Well, it’s really nice of you to want to have him over, really, but you don’t need to.
EMILY: Rory, if you could mention it to him yourself, preferably tonight, I’ll get a note over to him tomorrow.
RICHARD: He’ll need a choice of dates.
EMILY: I’ll get my book.
RICHARD: I’ll get mine, too.

Later on, Emily chastises the maid for putting fragrant flowers on the dinner table (FYI you aren’t supposed to use scented candles during meals either!): “I don’t know how you think my guests are supposed to enjoy their dinner with this floral reek wafting up their noses! Move them to the living room and bring the peonies in here.”

6.05 We’ve Got Magic To Do

Rory organizes a DAR fundraiser and many etiquette situations ensue. At the beginning of the party, Rory is concerned that no one is dancing, Emily explains that people will dance after dinner but Richard cuts in and says they will dance now, Emily says: “Richard, it’s before dinner. There’s no dancing during appetizers”

Then, the Huntzbergers show up after not RSVPing. Rory and Emily are in a tizzy trying to find them a table, because as Emily says “If we don’t find better seating for the Huntzbergers, it’ll be a major faux pas, and it may be the only thing people remember from this otherwise wonderful event.”

However, Emily and Richard finally find out what Mr. and Mrs. Huntzberger have done to Rory (telling her that she isn’t the right person for their son to date) and Emily commits a major etiquette breech but takes down Mrs. Huntzberger spectacularly:

EMILY: Well, that’s what’s confusing me. They both come from good families, both have good values. Money doesn’t seem to be an issue. We all have money.
SHIRA: Frankly, Emily, there’s your money, then there’s our money.
EMILY: Oh?
SHIRA: And our family has a lot of responsibilities that come with that. An image to maintain.
EMILY: Ah, yes! Well let me tell you this, Shira. We are just as good as you are. You don’t think Rory is good enough for your son, as if we don’t know Logan’s reputation. We do. But he is welcome in our home anytime, and you should extend the same courtesy to Rory.
SHIRA: Emily…
EMILY: Now let’s talk about your money. (she bends over Shira’s chair) You were a two-bit gold digger, fresh off the bus from Hicksville when you met Mitchum at whatever bar you happened to stumble into. And what made Mitchum decide to choose you to marry amongst the pack of women he was bedding at the time, I’ll never know. But hats off to you for bagging him. He’s still a playboy, you know? Well, of course you know. That would explain why your weight goes up and down 30 pounds every other month. (Shira laughs uncomfortably) But that’s your cross to bear. But these are ugly realities. No one needs to talk about them. Those kids are staying together for as long as they like. You won’t stop them. Now, enjoy the event.

7.3 Lorelai’s First Cotillion

This is Emily’s ultimate etiquette episode. She has been charged with preparing a bunch of 10 year olds for cotillion and is thus full of wise etiquette advice (ummm, although, doesn’t cotillion usually happen in late high school or early college?)

The episode opens with Friday night dinner at the Gilmore’s, where one of the little cotillion children is taking a make-up etiquette class at dinner. The child offers to mix drinks for the adults, which Lorelei questions. Emily says “You’re never too young to learn to make a Martini.”(agreed, but in my house it was a Manhattan.) Then they go into dinner:

EMILY: Now, tonight we’ll be dining with service a la Russe, which has nothing to do with Russians — thank god — because in my experience, their table manners are nothing to emulate. All it means is that the servers will be passing each course in turn instead of plopping all the food on the table at once, like some mukluk picnic. Now, it is the duty of the gentleman to help a lady to her seat. Richard.
EMILY: Now, immediately upon sitting, one should place one’s napkin in one’s lap. And, mind you, no need for a flourish. The ability to use a napkin is nothing to brag about.
LORELAI: What’s with all the forks?
EMILY: Every piece of silverware has a purpose. You simply work from the outermost utensil in towards your plate. Can you name each of these forks?
CHARLOTTE: And then the fish fork, and then the entrée fork, and then — is this the dessert? Oh, wait — it’s for the roast course, isn’t it? (FYI, when Charlotte is eating, she takes a bite out of her roll instead of tearing it and no one noticed. Who is the etiquette consultant on this show?!?!)

They chat for a while and it gets awkward:

EMILY: Now, Charlotte, when the conversation lags, a good guest ought to be prepared to introduce a new topic. Keep it light — no politics, no religion. My little trick? Think of things in the middle three sections of the Sunday New York Times — travel, arts & leisure, Sunday styles — and forget the rest of the paper exists.

Emily wants to arrange a tea for the girls, and ends up having to host it at the Dragonfly Inn because:

EMILY: Actually I was going to take them into the city for high tea at the Pierre. But the Maitre d’ at the Pierre apparently believes that proper high tea includes club sandwiches and a juice bar, and I simply couldn’t subject these impressionable young girls to such tasteless effrontery.

The day for the tea comes up:

EMILY: Now, remember, ladies, the dress you’ll be wearing at the cotillion on Saturday will have much fuller skirts. Several of you may be working with a crinoline, so sitting will be an entirely different experience. What is the rule of thumb we can always apply? Tiffany?
TIFFANY: Bottoms out.
EMILY: That’s right. Bottoms, sit. Very good.
MICHEL: Such elegance, such a sense of decorum, manners, grace, charm — everything my childhood could have been but wasn’t. Oh, to go back and do it right.
EMILY: Caroline, we do not grab or grope our dinner partners.
CAROLINE: Sorry, Mrs. Gilmore.
EMILY: Always maintain proper spacing and distance.
LORELAI: [to Michel] Err, it’s all coming back to me. Proper spacing and distance. Other kids were hugged and kissed. I was taught to maintain proper spacing and distance.
EMILY: …In which case, the utensil rule still applies. No utensil, once used, may ever touch the table again. Imagine leaving a ring of raspberry preserves on a set of fine linens. Granted, these linens aren’t the best. But at the cotillion on Saturday, everything will be of the highest quality. All right, ladies, choose your first sandwich.

The Etiquette of Reciprocity

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You do not have to host the same type of party as a Duke. [Via]

When you are given hospitality by someone, it is an etiquette rule that you must reciprocate. Now this makes a lot of people uncomfortable because maybe you don’t have as nice a house or as much money and can’t always entertain in the same style that someone has entertained out. However, that is not the way reciprocity works. It’s not really a tit for tat kind of a deal.

If Mr.and Mrs. Hobnoby have you over for a four course gourmet dinner prepared by their live in chef, there is no expectation that you will invite them to a similar meal in your fourth floor walk up. Part of the reason God invented the cocktail party is so you can “reciprocate” many invitations in one big go that doesn’t cost you a lot per person. Unfortunately, a good hostess gift does not count as reciprocation- it is merely a (important) token of thanks.

Happily, you don’t even necessarily have to reciprocate with some kind of big event. Maybe you have helped someone move every year for the last five years, maybe you always do Friday movies and wine at your place, and maybe you are the person who arranges your weekly lunch date. All of that counts as reciprocation. As you can see, it’s really all about making sure you are both pulling your weight in the relationship and one person isn’t taking advantage of the other. Merely extending an invitation actually fulfills your obligation to reciprocate, and if you are refused, you needn’t do any more (however, this also might mean that the person doesn’t want to be friends with you!)

I should also note that it is important to also let people reciprocate your hospitality.  Even if you intend to be generous, always wanting to host at your house doesn’t give others the chance to shine. Plus, you don’t want to give off the impression that other people’s hospitality isn’t good enough for you.

There are some exceptions to the need for reciprocity. You almost never need to really reciprocate with your parents and in-laws, the parent-child relationship is almost by necessity one where the sides are very uneven. However, occasionally treating your parents to something never goes amiss. I would also say that being treated by a friend’s parent is similar- when they take you and their child to dinner, you are really the guest of the child and should be reciprocating with them (hopefully you will also invite them along when your parents are visiting). Also, a boss employee relationship is one where if your boss takes you to lunch, you do not need to reciprocate (same as how you do not give gifts to your boss) because of the difference in power between the two of you.

Opening Lines for Online Dating

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Dear Uncommon Courtesy,

Here’s a good idea for an etiquette post: how to send a good first message on a dating site (have you guys covered this already?) Here’s a good example of what NOT to say:

Okc Convo

Sincerely,

Online Dater

Official Etiquette:

Miss Manners is not a fan of online dating, but recommends being vague and not unkind when declining future dates (after dates have already happened). In this case I believe she would advocate for not responding at all.

Our Take:

Jaya: Omg

Victoria: I mean, the key thing is to not engage with people who send you messages that you find offensive.

Jaya: That’s true.

Victoria: But it is definitely rude, also, to start off a message calling someone out for something- I mean, do you even want to date them? Where is that even going to go?

Jaya: Yeah! That’s the most confusing thing, like, I thought you were here to get a date?

Victoria: Haha yeah. I guess maybe some people think it’s their job to call out things they think are racist?

Jaya: But he continues the conversation! He’s not trying to be Mr. Social Justice Warrior, he’s trying to neg her and then flirt about yoga? The etiquette point is why would you contact someone on a dating site and open with an insult?

Victoria: Let’s say she contacted him first and he thought this tattoo was offensive–you can still be polite about it, like, “oh, I see you have a dreamcatcher tattoo- that seems offensive to me, so I can’t see it working out between us.” If you MUST say something. I mean, the beauty of online dating is that you do not have to respond to anything.

Jaya: Haha yes, but again, that’s if you contact him. You don’t just randomly email someone and insult their appearance.

Victoria: For sure. That would only be in response to a first contact from someone. As to what is a good and polite first message- I am generally a fan of something like “Hi! I really liked your profile. I see you like _____, I like _____ too. [Insert question about something in the profile].” Just like….be normal.

Jaya: Why is that so hard for most people? “be normal”

Victoria: Don’t use lines. Don’t insult people. Do NOT say sexually harassing things. Don’t neg. I would recommend not commenting on their appearance, but a short “you’re cute/beautiful” amidst an otherwise thoughtful message isn’t the worst.

Jaya: Right. Like, it can be one of many things, but not the only thing. In a larger sense, if you’re looking to really date someone (not just fuck them), you should be looking at their whole profile and not just how cute you think they are. If that’s the only thing you’re attracted to you’re just not doing dating very well. And if you are looking to just fuck them, omg please make sure they have something on their profile saying the same thing.

Victoria: Hahahah, yeah, on OkCupid, you can sort for people looking for casual hookups, so do that.

Jaya: So much of this is part of that whole PUA thing, turning it into this game and strategy. And I realize yes, you have to put some thought into talking to a stranger, but most people can tell when you’re trying to be genuine.

Victoria: Yeah, and I mean, when you are “meeting” someone for the first time, it’s really best to keep things fairly light- small talk, as it were.

Let’s Talk About Ms.

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You do not know if Ms. Marvel is married from her title

You do not know if Ms. Marvel is married from her title

We’ve already addressed honorifics, but for some reason I keep seeing people confused about Ms.! So now you all get a primer.

To understand Ms., let’s think about Mr. If someone is introduced to you as “Mr. Gary Noodlebaker,” what do you know about them? You know they identify as male, and…that’s pretty much it. You don’t know if he’s married or single, if that’s his birth name, or anything about his profession. You just know he’s male. Ms. operates similarly, and can be used by any woman. As “Ms. Jaya Saxena,” you know I identify as a woman, and that’s it. I could be married, I could be single, but that’s not revealed by my title. This is great.

However, there are a few other options for women, since marital status is something that’s been treated as more important for women than for men. Miss is the honorific generally used for young, unmarried women. (Master is sometimes used for young boys in the UK, but it’s not as common as Miss.) Mrs. is used when a woman is married and has taken her husband’s last name, but even then she can still use Ms., it just becomes a matter of preference. Some people think it’s a generational thing, but I’ve met many younger married women who have taken their husbands last names and prefer Mrs. However, you do not have to use Mrs. once you are married., so I do believe that when in doubt you should use Ms.

Also, if a woman has married and hasn’t taken her husband’s last name, you use Ms. This seems to confuse a lot of people, who think that something has to change about the way you address a woman when she gets married. But considering nothing has to change about a man’s name, the same goes for women!

So what’s so confusing? According to Wikipedia, “Mrs originated as a contraction of the honorific Mistress, the feminine of Mister, or Master, which was originally applied to both married and unmarried women. The split into Mrs for married women from Ms and Miss began during the 17th century.”  Ms. fell out of use as an honorific, but in 1901 an article in The Sunday Republican suggested reviving the title to avoid the etiquette faux-pas of calling a woman by the wrong title. By having a “more comprehensive term which does homage to the sex without expressing any views as to their domestic situation,” we avoid calling a 16-year-old girl Mrs., or a married lady Miss. Ms. didn’t really get going until the mid 20th-century, but clearly it fills a void. The usages of Miss, Mrs. and Ms. have been the norm for quite some time, and if you insist on going by archaic, 16th-century usages of everything then you have other issues you need to deal with.

On a different note, I’m curious to see if and how this will change as same-sex marriage becomes more common. For instance, if two men get married and want to change their titles to something that indicates it, or if two women marry and don’t want to use Mrs. but still want to show they’re married. Or if gender-nonconforming people come up with titles that are completely different (performance artist Justin Vivian Bond uses “Mx” and I love it). Traditions and usage are fluid, and our job as polite people is to make the best effort we can to use everyone’s preferred titles without driving ourselves crazy. And remember, if you’re not sure JUST ASK. It’s always polite to ask.

The Etiquette of Weed Pt. 3: A Rebuttal

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I'm sorry this is your neighbor

I’m sorry this is your neighbor

Last week, author Jennifer Garam’s XO Jane article, I Don’t Want to Smell Your Pot Smoke and I Don’t Think It Should Be Legalized, was picked up by Time Magazine. Obviously the title is a bit sensational, but I expected to be a bit more sympathetic than your average Millennial. As someone who doesn’t smoke pot, I can relate to a lot of Garam’s complaints: the constant pressure to do it because it’s “cool,” the frustration of being the only not-high person in a room, and most of all the smell. The smell of pot is something that’s always bothered me, and the prospect of legalization and the increase in that smell being acceptable gives me a minor panic attack.

However, the crux of Garam’s complaints is really an issue of etiquette, not of legalization.

Garam illustrates her complaint with her downstairs neighbor, an apparently avid pot smoker.  She explains, “I live in an old building with cracks and crevices so there were a lot of places for the smoke to seep through. It smelled like it was coming up through the radiator, through the crack between the floorboards and the wall at the head of my bed, by the kitchen, and in the closet. Also, I live on the top floor, so the smoke would float up to my apartment and get trapped there with nowhere further to go.” She complained to her landlord (though seemingly not to her neighbor) to middling success, and received no relief until her neighbor moved out.

We’ve discussed both pot smoking etiquette and apartment etiquette here, and this issue lives at that intersection. I’ve lived in apartment buildings my whole life, and I’ve been subject to pot smoking neighbors, but also cigarette and cigar smoking neighbors, and none of these are pleasant.  For two years my pantry (which shared a wall with another apartment) smelled like cigarettes, and when I was a kid my neighbor down the hall smoked so many cigars I swear the lobby was hazy. I’ve never particularly minded cooking smells, but if someone hasn’t taken out their garbage for weeks, believe me the whole building knows. Even if you’re a smoker (of anything), it’s not a stretch to understand that not everybody is okay with, or can handle, the smell of your smoke.

This is all to say that if you live in an apartment building, you have to come to terms with your space not being entirely your own, and that goes both ways. If you’re going to smoke pot, you have to do everything in your power to contain the smell to your own apartment (smoke through a vaporizer, with lots of windows open, or with one of those things with a dryer sheet tied to the end of a paper towel roll). If you are bothered by the smell or smoke from your neighbors, ask them yourself first instead of running through your landlord. Make it clear that their actions are directly affecting you. It’s easy enough to shut the door to our apartments and forget that the outside world exists, and yes I’m all for having sex as loudly as you want, but if you’re going to live in an apartment, you have to remember there are people on the other side of that wall.

Issues like these are good reminders that we are never entirely alone. Whether you lived in a crowded apartment building or in an open field, miles from your neighbor, your actions and decisions affect others. It seems inevitable that pot will be legalized in the US, and despite the issues that will arise (can we talk about how black people bore the brunt of pot arrests and white people are most likely to reap the benefits of legalization?), it will probably be a good thing. We still deal with the issues of alcohol being legal, but you’d be hard pressed to find many advocating for a complete return to prohibition. So no, having an annoying pothead neighbor does not mean pot shouldn’t be legal. I’m sure this woman has had many a pothead neighbor who’ve been able to keep their habits to themselves, and thus she’s never known about it. What it does mean is that we’ll all need to rethink our habits and adjust them accordingly, so that nobody is forcing their hobby on an unsuspecting tenant.