The Etiquette of Weed Pt. 3: A Rebuttal

I'm sorry this is your neighbor

I’m sorry this is your neighbor

Last week, author Jennifer Garam’s XO Jane article, I Don’t Want to Smell Your Pot Smoke and I Don’t Think It Should Be Legalized, was picked up by Time Magazine. Obviously the title is a bit sensational, but I expected to be a bit more sympathetic than your average Millennial. As someone who doesn’t smoke pot, I can relate to a lot of Garam’s complaints: the constant pressure to do it because it’s “cool,” the frustration of being the only not-high person in a room, and most of all the smell. The smell of pot is something that’s always bothered me, and the prospect of legalization and the increase in that smell being acceptable gives me a minor panic attack.

However, the crux of Garam’s complaints is really an issue of etiquette, not of legalization.

Garam illustrates her complaint with her downstairs neighbor, an apparently avid pot smoker.  She explains, “I live in an old building with cracks and crevices so there were a lot of places for the smoke to seep through. It smelled like it was coming up through the radiator, through the crack between the floorboards and the wall at the head of my bed, by the kitchen, and in the closet. Also, I live on the top floor, so the smoke would float up to my apartment and get trapped there with nowhere further to go.” She complained to her landlord (though seemingly not to her neighbor) to middling success, and received no relief until her neighbor moved out.

We’ve discussed both pot smoking etiquette and apartment etiquette here, and this issue lives at that intersection. I’ve lived in apartment buildings my whole life, and I’ve been subject to pot smoking neighbors, but also cigarette and cigar smoking neighbors, and none of these are pleasant.  For two years my pantry (which shared a wall with another apartment) smelled like cigarettes, and when I was a kid my neighbor down the hall smoked so many cigars I swear the lobby was hazy. I’ve never particularly minded cooking smells, but if someone hasn’t taken out their garbage for weeks, believe me the whole building knows. Even if you’re a smoker (of anything), it’s not a stretch to understand that not everybody is okay with, or can handle, the smell of your smoke.

This is all to say that if you live in an apartment building, you have to come to terms with your space not being entirely your own, and that goes both ways. If you’re going to smoke pot, you have to do everything in your power to contain the smell to your own apartment (smoke through a vaporizer, with lots of windows open, or with one of those things with a dryer sheet tied to the end of a paper towel roll). If you are bothered by the smell or smoke from your neighbors, ask them yourself first instead of running through your landlord. Make it clear that their actions are directly affecting you. It’s easy enough to shut the door to our apartments and forget that the outside world exists, and yes I’m all for having sex as loudly as you want, but if you’re going to live in an apartment, you have to remember there are people on the other side of that wall.

Issues like these are good reminders that we are never entirely alone. Whether you lived in a crowded apartment building or in an open field, miles from your neighbor, your actions and decisions affect others. It seems inevitable that pot will be legalized in the US, and despite the issues that will arise (can we talk about how black people bore the brunt of pot arrests and white people are most likely to reap the benefits of legalization?), it will probably be a good thing. We still deal with the issues of alcohol being legal, but you’d be hard pressed to find many advocating for a complete return to prohibition. So no, having an annoying pothead neighbor does not mean pot shouldn’t be legal. I’m sure this woman has had many a pothead neighbor who’ve been able to keep their habits to themselves, and thus she’s never known about it. What it does mean is that we’ll all need to rethink our habits and adjust them accordingly, so that nobody is forcing their hobby on an unsuspecting tenant.

Advertisements

The Etiquette of Weed Pt. 2: Enjoyment

IMG_1181

Someone please stop smoking up that iguana

Welcome to Part II of your weed etiquette, a topic that, curiously, Emily Post didn’t touch with a ten-foot waterpipe. Part I was all about how to use your best manners in order to obtain marijuana (which is an illegal narcotic both nationally and in 48 states to varying degrees of criminality and neither I, the writer, or the two editors of this site, would ever endorse something that is such a malfeasance in the eyes of the law) and that’s great for you. Congratulations. This section will be about something far more tricky: putting it in to your body in a manner both polite an courteous.

It is again worth noting–beyond a strict legal distancing–that this is written from viewing the East Coast experience. The West Coast seems to have a great abundance of weed as one commentor on the last post noted, someone in Portland literally biked up to her in order to sell her a joint. What a world.

What Do I Bring?

When you’re young, weed is a social drug. Everyone can get in a group, smoke up, and do whatever activities follow (video games, watching Rob Dyrdek’s Fantasy Factory, reading Keats line by line in a group, the usual). When you get older this tends to change, mostly because you have the means to do it on your own, both in terms of buying for yourself and for having your own space (aka “not cohabitation with your parents”). This section is for the younger, communal smokers. Bless your hearts and don’t believe you’ll ever die.

My editors scoffed at the idea of this section, thinking there is some sort of “pot smoking party” like it’s a dinner party [ed note: WE KNOW WHAT A NORMAL PARTY WITH WEED IS LIKE, DUDE]. While I wouldn’t say that (I don’t even know how to begin to think about how many forks would be involved and where they would be placed) smoking pot does have lend itself to a very ritualistic experience. Everyone has to gather at once, or close to it, as the act itself is on an ever-burning clock. It’s a bit more lenient when you’re set up in glassware since you can smoke it, discard it, and pack it again, but when it comes to paper smoking (Dutch/Phillie blunt/joint/spliff) it’s an all-or-nothing proposition. You’re there or you’re not.

My friends back home after college had a sort of standing time to gather, though at rotating locations, to smoke and “make hang.” This involved a number of elements but the easiest, and certainly most pressing, is weed. If you’ve got some, toss it in to the mix. And the more you’re willing to share? The better. In this way it’s less of a dinner and more of a potluck: you gain entrance to the experience by bringing enough to share. Plus mixing different strains of weed can lead to all sorts of weird, chemical-imbalanced fun, so, again, sharing is caring. (And sorry for using “potluck.” Yeesh.)

If you don’t have weed, don’t worry. That happens to everyone. Usually pot fiends are a relatively laid back group, and not actually fiends (ed note: or are they?!?!). Some people I know never bought weed; their shining, fun personality was enough of an asset to a “cypher” that their very presence paid for the price of admission. However, if you’re kind of dull or your friends need some actual material goods, offer to stop by at the local convenience store or bodega for supplies that are essential or tangential to the group: a couple Philly blunts/a twofer package of sealed Dutchmasters, two Gatorades for $3 (thanks, 7-Eleven), some gummy worms. Whatever the person whose residence you’re smoking at would enjoy. A little goes a long way here. It’s like any party, really: don’t show up empty handed. Tastycakes are like $2. Do your share.

Where Do I Smoke?

Marijuana brings with it a rather pungent smell. This is looked on favorably by people who smoke and incredibly unfavorably by everyone else in the world. If you live in your own home and the only things interacting with the smell are your nostrils then by all means, regulate your indoor smoking use like it’s New Hampshire.

The odds are you are not one of those people. If you’re smoking via flame (pipes, bongs, rolled paper of any kind) just go outside. Don’t try and rationalize this any other way. Just go outside.  If you insist on not leaning out the window, or taking the steps out on to the fire escape, or taking your one hitter on a nice walk around the block, then block all doors with towels or something akin, open up as many windows as your building allows, and throw on as many fans as possible. No one wants to knock on your door to tell you to cut that shit out. It makes them feel like a narc, or a buzzkill, or worse: a nagging parent. And Jesus, who wants to feel like that when talking to strangers? It’s an odd situation. So avoid it all, dear smoker, by being polite and going the fuck outside. This goes double for people with roommates who don’t smoke, triple for homes you share with your parents, and quadruple for places that you don’t live and the people there don’t smoke (I’ve seen it happen).

If you realize that it’s 2014 and you Want To Have It All, then purchase a vaporizer. There are many different variations from a stay-at-home model to the Volcano to sleek personal travel models that will make you among the 20 coolest ladies in Prospect Park on any given Spring day. If you Want To Have It All but are spending your money elsewhere, you’ll probably try to “mask” the smell by exhaling through a spoof (a toilet paper roll absolutely jam packed with dryer sheets) or lighting incense, but this “covers” the smell like using Axe body spray after gym class. Now you smell like something horrid mixed with another thing that smells horrid. Don’t.

How Do I Prepare?

Whenever you say something is “a process” it’s usually said with a big huff, as if you have to explain how the Model T is produced. So just get that idea of your mind. To smoke, there is a normalized process. First you collect the weed and look to remove any of the seeds or stems, colloquially known as “breaking up” and any probable hundred of other pet terms (people who smoke pot are usually creative, if we want to get out the Stereotype Stick to beat you over the head with). This involves taking the weed apart, bit by sticky bit. There is usually a designated place to do this: over a hard-bound high school yearbook, on a shitty Ikea coffee table, or some other non-essential piece of furniture. Do not break it up over a tablecloth or something of value as you’ll have green stains in there forever. Until Jolie Kerr tells us how to clean that, consider it impossible and move on.

When you’re rolling a Dutch or a Phillie the process involves the part that makes it a cigar in the first place. The “guts” are all of the low-end tobacco and who-the-shit-knows-what-else that comes within the crucial outer skin. This stuff is awful. I’d make a comment about why anyone would inhale it, but when you live in a glass house with stoners… Guts are the #1 way to get caught if you’re smoking in a place that you shouldn’t be, like a parental house or a car when pulled over by the cops. “I swear officer, someone just threw the inside of their cigar through my back window!”

The best way to dispose of these inessential parts is a bag within a bag. Take an odd paper bag (maybe the one that held all of the supplies you or your friend brought earlier?) and dispose of it in a trash bag, hopefully outside, My degenerate friends who would drive around and smoke when they didn’t have another location to do it would throw these bags in to storm drains and wait til summer until other friends worked for the town and would have to dredge them out. It’s the circle of manual labor.

How Do I Smoke Politely?

If your immediate reaction is “pass the dutchie to the left-hand side,” then you either don’t smoke, are 15, or just a total square. There is nothing that will make you lose cred faster than quoting that song. Please don’t.

The idea behind “pass it to the left” is just for a simple semblance of order. Its aim is to be polite. At parties in high school I’d see kids literally run to the left of the person who lights up like it was grade school kickball and coach was picking teams by the ol’ every-other selection system. People were pushed out of the way. It was ridiculous, and certainly not polite.

A cypher–the term of the order of the group of people to smoke which usually resembles a circle–is important soley so everyone can get an equal amount to smoke before it literally blows away. If there are four people and you have a decent amount then everyone should be able to traverse the room and still smoke in sequence. Putting everyone in a circle is one part natural inclination and another part failsafe. “Hey who’s–oh, yeah, here ya go” (easily turns to one side and passes). There have been cyphers I’ve witnessed that involve throwing lit dutches across a living room into waiting bare hands (only recommended by true professionals). Shit can get nuts but it’s all in the service of something polite: everyone gets their fair share.

How Do I Actually Smoke Politely?

This is actually a bit more complicated than you’d think.

First, how much to smoke? For paper products (Phillies/blunts/Dutches and joints) taking two hits (“puff, puff”) and passing is standard operating procedure. For glass products (pipes, bowls, bongs, one-hitters, chillems), take only one hit. This is by no means an iron-clad rule; it’s not written in the Constitution. Your friends might do differently. Treat it like beer pong: if you have any questions about house rules, simply ask before trampling forward and going “oh wait I thought.” Otherwise, go with the above.

If you have a large cypher (from about seven and up) and enough weed, think about rolling two and sending them opposite ways. This cuts down on time between smoking and, if everyone has weed, you’re going to do this again anyway. Just get there now and feel like you’re on Wheezy’s tour bus. If you live on the West Coast, it’s likely that everyone will pack “a personal” bowl or other product because seemingly 90% of all vegetative life out there is cannabis-based.

Regardless, the objective is that everyone gets their fair share. It’s a harsh world out there. It doesn’t have to be so rough and tumble within a cypher.

What About The Nature Of Smoking?

How you smoke requires etiquette as well. You don’t smoke glass, vaporizers and paper the same way as each method has their own methodology that does not translate well between mediums. Glass requires fuller, deep breathes to pull the smoke in to your lungs. It’s a much more forceful effort. The harsh nature also keeps you from smoking too much — you can only take so much.

Paper, however, is a delicate balance. The same way that a person takes in the smoke can also ruin the experience for others. If you pull too hard it’s possible that you can make the paper “canoe” which means that the outer paper burns faster than the marijuana inside which causes the structure to fall apart (think of a hot dog with a rapidly-decreasing bun). If you pull slowly and easily then you should have a fairly even burn. Some times this can’t be helped depending on the quality of the paper itself so don’t beat yourself up over it or anything.

The repairs should be done by the person who rolled the implement. The one who rolled the item is a crafts(wo)man after all, and deserve to have the opportunity to fix their work. If you’re cool with the person who rolled–or they trust your ability–then ask if it’s alright to mess with the paper and move forward. This also will occur if they’re simply too far away (pride in your work can’t always stretch across a long living room). Usually this just requires licking your finger and pressing it against the quickly-burning area to slow it down but still, give proprietary respect first.

How Do I Maintain My Piece?

There are two schools of thought here. The first is that there is sort of a dingy pride in not cleaning your pieces. Most glass bowls are explicitly built to pack resin (burned-out weed residue) inside, leading the designs to change colors the more you smoke. This is why a lot of higher-end head shops will display the pieces on black felt to give you an impression of what it will look like over time. While not always built for residue, there are a number of bongs that I’ve seen that have similar patterns.

Certain smokers will point to their pieces as a sign of how diligent they are about smoking (and how not diligent they are at cleaning). This is pretty fucking gross. I wouldn’t want to be reminded by the glass implement I’m smoking out of to give me a clear representation of all the awful shit I’m doing to my lungs by just by looking at it. And I’m sure that isn’t really adding to the cleanliness of the procedure, either.

Most high-end vaporizer users make it a priority to clean the system after every bit of use. Just because your way of smoking is more low rent doesn’t give you the license to treat it that way. I’ll put it like this: I clean my french press after every use because I’m worried that gook will collect and ruin my coffee. You’re inhaling that shit. Get out the pipe cleaners regularly. And if you’re using a pipe? It naturally keeps the passageways clean so you won’t get clogged. Win-Win (save, of course, for your lungs). (ed note: Check out My Boyfriend Barfed in My Handbag . . . and Other Things You Can’t Ask Martha by Jolie Kerr for instructions on how to clean all of your smoking paraphernalia.)

What If I’m At A Concert?

The modern identity of “grass” started with those damn blues players. Music and marijuana have been linked ever since. If you’re at a concert and someone next to you is smoking, you might want to get in on it. You can always ask, as that doesn’t hurt, but know who you’re asking. If the kid is college aged or younger, he or she will more than likely rebuff you because of the “supply and demand” principle mentioned earlier, and because most kids are selfish assholes. The older people you ask, the more likely they’ll want to share, either because they have beaten the “supply and demand” and have a lot of supply because of their own personal demand or because they can’t really smoke all that much anymore. I have seen twice-hit joints simply given away. I have seen a man in his 50s pull out twelve (12) joints for a two-hour concert. Twelve!

Anything Else?

No. It’s smoking weed, not a fucking dinner party after a UN general assembly. Go! Have fun! Be considerate! Be safe!

Part III

M. Anton was recently contacted by a weed delivery service directly to his cell phone from a number he did not know the day that Part I of this article was posted. The NSA works in strange and mysterious ways.

The Etiquette of Weed Pt. 1: Acquisition

It's always a good idea to foster a healthy relationship with your dealer.

It’s always a good idea to foster a healthy relationship with your dealer.

Good morning! Today, we’re running the first in a two part series about the etiquette of marijuana, written by our lovely friend M. Anton (because, surprise surprise, the two girls writing about etiquette do not smoke a ton of weed). We would however like to point out that it is quite likely you live in an area where it is illegal to purchase/use marijuana in some sort of way, and that nothing is more polite than a law-abiding citizen. Please don’t get us in trouble. But do leave your thoughts and experiences in the comments!

Not since Prohibition has a controlled substance been as ubiquitous as marijuana. While illegal on a federal level and only legal in two states (Colorado and Washington) and essentially legal through an incredibly lax system of medicinal governance (California) you can find people smoking weed in just about every town in America. And if you think this isn’t true, then congratulations! You’re incredibly naïve.

For the rest of us, this guide will serve all manner of people, from the occasional dad who smokes one weekend a year to the stoners who bring dank nug on the subway and don’t give a fuck. Here, we will break down the polite way on how to obtain the lightest product on America’s black market and how to smoke it without angering everyone around you. If you don’t want to possibly end up in jail (this is especially true if you’re a minority, sadly), consider this an academic discussion.

This guide is based of my keen observances of pot smokers from my suburban high school days outside of a major metropolis through the heady days of New York City delivery services. Your experience may vary.

How Do I Get Weed?

The acquisition of weed varies drastically based on location and age so this will be a sort of catch-all for each of those situations. I have observed people getting weed in the suburbs of a major metropolitan area, college towns, and cities, all on the East Coast. I have heard stories about people throughout the West Coast who complain about how much weed they have because they need to make room on their bookshelves. I have seen people in the ‘burbs call upwards to twenty actual human people who had the most tangential connection to maybe mentioning weed once, that one time, maybe? on the prowl for anything that they can smoke (they eventually settled on smoking a Chris Reitsma baseball card).

How Much Should I Buy?

So you want to smoke weed. Sure! I get it.

Weed has a nice amount of lingo associated with it that is fairly easy to break down. You want good stuff, “dank nug” or “skunk” weed and not, well, “shit.” The way most marijuana is distributed on a street level is based off the all-important ounce of weed, or a “zip,” as it would be comfortably transported in a Ziploc bag. While an ounce is the most expensive, it is the Costco of weed: you get the most green for your, uh…green. The rest of the normal person-to-person transactions are dealt with based off of the 28 gram ounce. So:

1 Ounce (Zip) = 28 grams

1 Half = 14 grams

1 Quarter = 7 grams

1 Eighth = 3.5 grams

1 Gram = I mean, c’mon.

Because of availability, a gram was the most popular and readily available amount in the suburbs with a standard price of $20. If everyone was polite and not a profit-hungry monster you’d be able to buy $20 and get 1 gram of weed. This can comfortably fill one blunt, two regular joints, two packs of a moderately sized bowl/bong, and probably three packs of anything homemade (an apple, a plastic water or soda bottle, an aluminum foil bowl).

The next step up as an eighth, retailing usually for something around $65. This is perfect for someone who wants to hold on to a bag for a while for personal use or if friends are coming over. Because smoking weed is a more social activity, especially when you’re young and supply is scarce, having weed to smoke is polite. Think of it like bringing a six-pack to a party: you need to contribute in order to attend. Having a bit extra to move is a nice thing.

This is also a good amount for people who want to sample weed through edibles, like brownies, without getting involved in the messy bits of actually inhaling smoke. An Eighth is sort of the grown-up version of the gram: it’s not enough that you can’t burn through it if you need to and it’s not too much that you’re stuck with it for too long.

Obviously, the more you are in to it, the more you’d want to purchase as it’s better for pricing. If you’re in to buying pounds or bricks (kilos) of weed? You’re assuredly a terrorist.

How Do I Get Weed In The ‘Burbs?

Buying weed in the suburbs is the shittest of all bullshit. There is no more polite way to say this. The entire economic deck is stacked against you. The market is set up by a series of different factors, set on the supply and demand scale. In short: there is a lot of demand, there is rarely any supply. To really make it worse it’s illegal which means if your township isn’t riddled with other time consuming, lethal, more costly crimes, then busting teenagers or young adults for possession is a really easy way to print some tickets.

These scales vary greatly. I grew up near a major metropolitan American city on the East Coast where the usual  pot buying experience was essentially pleading with someone to allow you to pay them money for an illegal substance in a transaction that was awash in duly-earned paranoia. If you live in some pot mecca like Portland they apparently just dole it out on the streets like Planed Parenthood gives away free condoms. “Please, take this. Think about society.”

Finding someone to deal you weed–to take on the risk of selling you weed–is a tough road to walk. There are only about three people in any given town who know the guy who knows the guy who knows the guy who can sell from his or her ounce of overpriced, stepped-on weed that you’ll be grateful to acquire. And that first guy will be incredibly selective about who he gives his phone number out to because, as with a finite supply, your fellow fiends are also your competition. This does not allow for a lot of hugs and trading of phone numbers.

A good, solid connection is worth its weight in overpriced weed. Because of the risk involved it’s best to deal with people you can trust and, in turn, can trust you back. The easiest way to get some weed is to go to a party and get to know the people who smoke. Like nearly everything in life, things are a lot easier once you act like a person to another person and treat them with a smile and some genuine conversation. Once they know you’re cool and you feel like you’re on solid footing, you can ask where they get from. Because they really have little incentive to help you (the profit margins are fairly low) you’re either going to get that number because you seem like a normal, chill person or because you’re not worth the risk.

This makes acquisition in a small town that you just show up in difficult because, well, who the hell are you? It is polite, all things considered, that you come to help Grandma rehab her new hip with your own bag and not try to press on the small town economics that goes on around you.

What If They Sell Me Shit?

Here’s the bad news: they are absolutely, positively going to sell you shit weed because they can. There is no incentive for a dealer to really be polite to you. Even if it’s the kid in your macro economics class. Even if it’s the girl in that photo of the Kindergarten Winter Festival play that you see on the screen in a slide show at your ten-year reunion. Without many options you have to be unfailingly polite because they have no reason to actually sell you anything. This means that you cannot overreach or overstep and are essentially at their mercy. This sucks. Have I mentioned that this sucks yet? It sucks. Move.

When Is It Polite To Call?

Since the product is so scarce and the demand so high, people will never get enough weed and they’ll want it all the god damn time. And, because the dealer has a high volume of people wanting her or his product, you’re at their mercy. This means that it’s not about when you call, or how polite you are over the phone when you absolutely have to leave a message. It means that you have to be polite when they call you back. You’d be shocked how many times the phrase “Hey man, no worries” can be uttered. In this situation, your politeness has to be registered in how flexible you can be.

I know of people calling up a friend at 2 AM, walking in the back door of their house, going in to their bedroom, quietly walking past the dealer and his sleeping girlfriend, taking the bag and dropping the money, and then quietly exiting the premises. I know of people who have to connect by walking through the back woods and finding a place to deal that is fifteen minutes away from town. I know of people who are much older who have to wait for their connect to decide that she needs to go down the shore to visit a college friend and then wants to transport that large amount of weed back up the interstate for little personal profit.

If you want to have weed in the burbs, you can’t not be polite, and you can’t not be willing to go the distance with a smile on your face.

How Do I Get Weed In College/When I Don’t Live With My Parents?

College is a completely different story. Because the market is larger, and the rules a bit looser since you’ll be able to smoke in an establishment that isn’t shared by the people who birthed you and are probably none too pleased with your illegal activity, there is more room for marijuana. That makes things better for you, the customer. Hurrah, American competition!

Finding it is considerably easier as well. The dealers come to the mercy of the market, which means they’re actually looking for customers. Isn’t that nice? This means that if you talk to someone at a party who has weed, you can ask him or her where they got it from, and they’ll more than likely tell you, with an add-on “has that good shit.” It’s nice.

I have watched kids walk down the halls in the dorm room and go “hey, you smoke? You want?” I know of kids who smelled weed in their off-campus apartment building and went down stairs only to find that heeyy their downstairs neighbors sell weed, alright! I’ve known of friends who don’t even smoke weed go “hey, if you want, my friend just got an ounce and is selling.” The market is so crazy in college people who don’t even want the product can offer it to you! It even looks like those old PSAs you’d used to watch during Duck Tales when ‘junkies’ on the corners of grey concrete buildings would harass kids and make them take drugs. But this is real!

What If They Sell Me Shit?

This depends on your relationship with the dealer. If you know the person well then they’re more likely to literally up and tell you that this product just isn’t that good, oh well. Sometimes if you’re a loyal customer prices can be negotiated. Other times there might be a pricing system where you can pay less for lower quality and pay more for higher quality. Because weed is essentially smoked by “chill” people it’s rare to get in to a screaming match over the sale. If you look at the weed and say “man, this doesn’t look good” or smell it and go “meh” or actually smoke it with the dealer and go “this is some bogus shit” they’ll usually take care of you. If they don’t? They lose a customer.

Buyer’s remorse is tough, though. If you go home and smoke you can call back, but don’t be angry unless you got legitimately ripped off, like paying $130 and getting a bag full of oregano. Because there’s no good legal recourse (you’re not calling the Better Business Bureau any time soon) you can just bad mouth the fuck out of that gal or guy and make sure that no one buys from them again.

When Should I Call?

So how industrious is your dealer? Usually you still have to make a trek out to the abode of the person you’re buying from as weed is somewhat bulky and, if it’s good, just absolutely reeks. If you have a stable relationship you should be able to actually figure out a schedule that works for them and that works for you, usually needing the dealer to be home. Some people never leave their house, and hey, that works better for the seller. Be sure to bring over some sunlight in a mason jar for them.

Some people are home over variable times, so call up, ask if you can come over, and then they’ll say “yeah, come through” or give you a time to “come through.” (Everyone always “comes through” which is probably a good way of saying “you’re going to come by but you’re sure as shit not going to stay.”) One person I knew would bring a mobile, fire proof briefcase like they were transporting state secrets over a train in a black and white 1940s movie. You’d call up, he’d tell you where the poker game was that he was playing at, you’d “come through” and then leave without him ever putting down his cards.

However, like anything that can be gone in an instant, there is still high demand. It’s possible that you’re going to have to wait for your dealer to get more supply in and it’s also possible that they’re going to be busy enjoying college (or studying) and that you will have to be patient. It’s okay. You can wait. You won’t die without weed. And if you really need it that badly? Plan ahead and purchase in more bulk. This helps out you as well as the dealer.

What If I’m Shorted?

Rarely if ever are you just handed a bag. There is usually a tared Solo cup involved before the transaction so you can see in real time what’s going on. Again, with competition comes responsibility to the customer. This way everyone leaves with the fair deal they agreed upon. Yaaaay!

How Do I Get Weed In A City?

Congratulations! You have now stepped up your weed-purchasing game simply because you’re in a large city. The odds are that police are much more concerned with stopping murders and car thievery giving you not exactly carte blanche but enough room to safely and comfortably smoke weed. Unless you’re a minority, then you’re kind of fucked, but you knew that already. Sorry.

The cards are almost completely flipped in this setting as the amount of demand can be met with supply which means that people are now making bank. Real bank. The margins are still relatively small per purchase but there are a fuck load more purchases. Now dealers are polite to you, going so far in New York City to drive up to your god damn apartment building, take the elevator up like they’re delivering Thai, and show off a briefcase full of options for you like a traveling sommelier. Some services go so far as to text their users as weekends come up to offer deals or incoming strains (types) of weed. It’s fucking nuts.

Remember those PSAs during Sunday morning cartoons? Some guys will also come up to you as you walk the streets at night in certain areas of the city and offer you drugs. Unless you’re really in a bind, that seems like a real old school way of purchasing your illegals and doesn’t seem safe in the least. I would suggest politely declining and wishing the ma’am or sir a nice evening before returning to your home and having something ordered.

When Should I Call?

Unfortunately, this begins to hew more closely to the ‘burbs than college, as there are now roughly business hours. If you’re trying to get at 1 AM on a Friday night, it’s more than likely that the person you’d buy from is also out enjoying a Friday night at 1 AM. Call usually from noon through 11 PM with a high volume area of 6 PM – 10 PM for that nice after work shift. It’s possible that your dealer might have differing hours. I wouldn’t be surprised if there is a specific Nite Owl shift.

Because of the high demand, you’re probably going to have to wait. Some times friends of mine have waited for fifteen minutes, others for an hour thirty. You can imagine what it’s like leading up to 4/20 in Brooklyn: some times ending in a three hour wait. Again, you won’t starve without THC so plan ahead accordingly in times of need.

Should I Tip The Delivery Guy?

Fucking OF COURSE you should. A person is bringing an illegal narcotic to your doorstep and you don’t tip? But you’ll tip the pizza guy because…? A friend of mine who uses a service doesn’t tip because it “never occurred to him” and because he’ll sometimes have to wait for an hour. It’s not going to get cold! I asked a dealer once if he gets tipped and he said “rarely.” Jesus Christ guys do I have to remind you again what the fucking burbs were like?! TIP! Tip 20% at least.

What If I Get Shorted?

I can’t imagine that a delivery service would short you on purpose because they will absolutely never get your business again. By all means check and complain and, like any good service provider, they should be able to take care of you on the next go ‘round.

Now that you have acquired weed in a reasonable and polite manner, we’ll tell you how to conscientiously smoke it in Part II.

Part II

M. Anton is fascinated by rituals. He’s also pretty sure the UC ladies really need to revisit the “Should I Put The Toilet Seat Up In A Public Bathroom?” question, cause they’re fucking wrong.