Category Archives: Etiquette News

If You Thought Hugging Was Complicated, Kissing Is Worse

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Last week we covered the slightly fraught topic of how to navigate the world of friendly greetings when you’re not much of a hugger, which brings us to an even more complicated version of greetings–kissing. I had a really embarrassing time on vacation in Paris with a cousin’s French fiance, who went in for the double kiss as I sort of frantically waved my arms in a hug attempt while also kissing the air and I think his neck? It was bad, guys. And according to this map by Radical Cartography, I am not alone in being totally confused about the protocol. The map was made in 2013 but whatever, we just found it, and it’s totally relevant.

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How are you supposed to know? Why is it spread out like this? WHO KISSES FIVE TIMES?? The lesson I’m pretty much getting out of this is never greet anyone in France.

Regional Wedding Traditions: Cookie Table

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Previously: Cake Pulls

This is a regional wedding tradition I can get behind- a cookie table!

This tradition is regional to southern Pennsylvania/Pittsburgh and some other industrial East Coast cities that have large Catholic populations of Italian or Eastern European groups, says Wikipedia. I can’t remember where I first read about it, but it always struck me as a particularly nice tradition. In addition to your usual wedding cake, there is a table full of cookies at the wedding for the guests to enjoy. The great thing is that the relatives of the couple bake the cookies, giving it a great community feeling and something that hasn’t been totally Pinterestified like it’s cousin (and another favorite of mine- the candy buffet). Supposedly the tradition started before wedding cakes were a big thing and it was a way to spread out the cost of the reception between many family members.

These cookie tables aren’t playing around, either. I read about one wedding that had 500 dozen cookies!  That’s 6000 cookies, and unless these weddings have a thousand guests, that’s an awful lot of cookies per person. This wedding had 200 guests- which is 30 cookies per guest. That’s so many! Even a sweet fiend like me would have a hard time with that. Luckily, you get to take them home to enjoy at your leisure.

There is a bit of etiquette involved- are you really allowed to take them home (apparently these days it’s all good and some families even provide containers)? When can you start eating them, from the beginning of the reception or do you have to wait until dessert time (definitely not until after they’ve been revealed, but it depends on what the couple wants)?

So, let’s definitely bring this tradition to other weddings because unlike cash bars, who doesn’t love a good, homemade cookie?

What I Learned About Making Plans From Planning A Wedding

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Every summer it happens–there are weekends to use up, and warm weather to be enjoyed, and suddenly I’ll find myself 20 replies deep in an email chain and ready to kill all my friends. Not that they’ve done anything wrong, it’s just that watching these plans being hashed out and having ten people trying to figure out a free weekend in common makes my head spin. Making plans with a large group of people has gotten really complicated, largely because we’re all so nice. We want to accommodate everybody. But if there’s one thing I learned from wedding planning is that that is not possible, and it’s been freeing.

The bigger your wedding, the less likely it is that everyone is going to be able to make it. Four people at City Hall? Easy. Twenty five in your backyard? Trickier. A hundred in a banquet hall? Someone is going to drop out. Those are just the facts. There are only so many days in a year, and people have their own lives and plans and conflicts. So when we picked a date, we double checked with our parents and siblings, and then set it. Yes, some people we dearly wanted to be there couldn’t come, but that would happen no matter which weekend we picked.

I’ve started applying this to making plans in the rest of my life. The other day, instead of having all of my friends tell me their free weekends for a beach trip, I just said I was going to the beach next Sunday and any and all who want to join should. Some people had plans, and some people could make it. Of course, this is predicated on the idea that if nobody could make it, I would still be going to the beach, which actually I would. But the point is that making firm decisions before you talk to all your friends can cut down on a lot of back and forth and hurt feelings.

For instance, let’s say you and some friends want to see a movie, but there’s no night in the next week that works for all of you. If you start your planning by asking when everyone is free, it’ll become clear that not everyone is free at the same time, and then you’ll have to make a decision about who to leave out, which could hurt some feelings. On the other hand, if you said “I’m seeing Mad Max at 9pm on Thursday if anybody would like to join” then people are free to accept or decline, knowing plans have already been set, and that it’s not personal.

This doesn’t work for all things. Obviously if the point is seeing specific people then a little more coordination has to happen, and if absolutely nobody can make it then you’ll have to change things around. But what I learned from weddings is that, while it’s the planner’s job to make reasonable accommodations, no plan will satisfy everyone. Picking a date and giving everyone reasonable notice of plans is all that’s really required, and if a few people can’t make it, that’s just fine. Maybe it’s pre-anxiety over FOMO that’s making us worry about including everyone. Of course we don’t want anyone to feel left out, or feel like our friends are doing things without us. But sometimes that’s life. Personally I’d rather miss a movie outing than suffer through another 40 emails.

Etiquette I Observed On THE CONTINENT

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Good morning! As Victoria may have mentioned, I have spent the last couple weeks on THE EUROPEAN CONTINENT, specifically the cities Paris and Amsterdam. They’re pretty great places to visit, but of course I kept my eye out for any etiquette differences or behavioral expectations. Overall, globalization has gotten the best of us. One dated guidebook told me that in Paris it was unacceptable to eat food on the street, and yet I saw the parks littered with Parisians noshing on cheese and fruit, and the streets packed with people biting straight into baguettes. That rule seems to have fallen out of favor, but there are plenty that still exist.

  • In every restaurant I went to, the English speakers were always the loudest, whether they were Americans, Brits or Australians. I have no idea why we can’t just keep it down, but do your best to lower your voice when dining out. People will stare.
  • Speaking of speaking, make an effort to learn some basic words in the language of the country you’re visiting. I haven’t practiced French since high school, and I never learned Dutch, but I brushed up on hello/goodbye, thank you, and excuse me. Paris has the stereotype of being cold to Americans, but that’s definitely not the case anymore. Everyone was pleasant when they realized we spoke English, and seemed to appreciate the effort. What wasn’t appreciated was anyone who marched into a store and immediately spoke English.
  • Do not shoot back your genever in Amsterdam. Sip it slowly and savor.
  • Do not ask for butter to spread on your croissant in Paris. You probably won’t need it anyway. They are pretty much all butter.
  • Look everyone in the eye when you cheers your drinks.
  • In Paris at least, dinner is still expected to be a few courses–at least a separate first and second course, and usually dessert or coffee. You may get some confusion if you only order a main dish at some of the more local places, so just let yourself indulge.
  • Do not lean over the gates in Notre Dam to tape an entire mass on your iPad. Seriously, people are actually participating and you look ridiculous and disrespectful.
  • Maybe also don’t take photos of every single painting in any given museum. Look at the painting. Enjoy it. Think about it. You can always Google it later.
  • Shower before you get on a plane. Your seatmates will thank you.

Also, a small thing I noticed from traveling with my husband, who’s arm was in a sling the whole time from a broken collarbone–pay attention to when people have casts/slings/other injuries! So many people would just push on subways or through crowds and knock into his shoulder, which was still healing from surgery. You’d think the giant sling would be pretty obvious, but apparently not, so just make sure if you’re pushing through a crowd it’s all people whose shoulders are not broken.

Etiquette Links

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While we are still out on a little hiatus, enjoy some other excellent etiquette from around the internets.

Etiquette parodies are always great at The Onion.

Or maybe this is the true etiquette for the NYC Subway?

If you like podcasts, you must listen to Awesome Etiquette by Lizzie Post and Dan Post Senning from the Emily Post Institute.

Can you pass a chivalry test? (Doesn’t mean we need to keep these rules!)

Katie Heany at Buzzfeed has been reading vintage behavior guides with hilarious results.

We don’t agree that etiquette faux pas should be ACTUAL crimes.

Differing food etiquette across the world is always fun!

Etiquette Hell is where I first starting picking up modern etiquette. Be sure to check out the outstanding forum where a bunch of etiquette mavens put everyone in their place.

And as always, check us out on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram.