Category Archives: Etiquette News

Etiquette IRL: Beach Edition

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BEACHBLANKET2I want to tell you a story about a good deed that didn’t go unnoticed! A few weeks ago, I lost my driver’s license and credit card on the beach. I put them in my shorts’ pocket because I didn’t want to carry a purse, and at some point realized they were no longer there, making attempting getting into a bar that night quite an ordeal. Immediately, I called my bank to cancel the card…only to find it had already been cancelled. Who would do such a thing?

Anyway, a few days after I returned home, I got an envelope with no return addressed, containing my cards and a letter with no signature. It simply said that the cards had been discovered on the beach, that they tried to get my bank to give me their phone number so I could contact them, and that they hope I still had an enjoyable weekend.

What an amazing thing!! Of course I would have written a thank you note had they included a return address (a lesson to always include a return address on your mail!), but sadly I can only hope they know how appreciative I am. And I thought it was a wonderful example of how polite actions can really have an impact. It’s really easy to follow etiquette rules because we’re told they make others feel good, but there is often little concrete proof. Nobody gets a thank you note for sending a thank you note. And it’s not like you should be doing these things so you get a cookie and a pat on the back, but it is helpful to know they actually work. Here’s your proof. Go make someone’s day.

The Power of An Apology

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Leo knows.

Leo knows.

I’ve been noticing lately just how much of a difference an apology makes. It seems like one of those things like please and thank you where, it’s nice to hear but it doesn’t make THAT much difference in your feelings about a situation. But recently, I decided, it actually DOES make a big difference.

I’ve been in several situations where I’ve been irritated by something another commuter, or even a friend, does. And sometimes, these situations really put you on a path towards a bad mood. Like say a friend has made a commitment to doing something for you and then they don’t. You might be bottling it up and feeling really bad towards your friend. Then one day, they say, “hey, I’m really sorry I haven’t done that thing.” Even if their reason is bad, you automatically feel so much better because you feel a bit justified for having your feelings recognized. It’s a very lightening feeling.

Plus, when someone apologizes, even if it’s just for stepping on your toe on the subway, you get to accept the apology and move on rather than stewing about the rude person on the train all day.

So even though it seems SO trivial, please make an effort to give real and sincere apologies when you are in the wrong. It really makes a difference and makes the world a more pleasant place.

Regional Wedding Traditions: Stag and Doe Parties

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Previously: Cake Pulls and Cookie Tables

A stag and doe party is a regional tradition found mostly in certain areas of Canada. The purpose of the party is to be a fundraiser for the wedding.

The basic premise is that the bridal party (including groomsmen) will throw the party, which charges an admission fee, charges for drinks, and has games and raffles and things, also for a small fee. The funds raised should cover the cost of the party and leave plenty left over for the bride and groom. The guest list is open to anyone, not just people who are invited to the actual wedding.

Despite my general hatred of people expecting their wedding guests to give them lavish presents, cover their plates, pay for drinks at a cash bar, money dances, and all other kinds of greedy wedding hoopla, I…actually think this is a pretty great idea if it’s already common in your social circle and people know what to expect (ie don’t spring it on your New York City friends who have never heard of such a thing.) Here’s why: while the event is connected to the wedding, it’s not thrown by the bride and groom. Also, I imagine this kind of thing might be more common in areas where there’s not a whole lot of nightlife, so this is probably a good way to get out of the house, have some fun, have some drinks, maybe win a raffle. However, not all Canadians are fond of this tradition.

Of course, like anything, there are polite and rude ways to go about doing it:

  • The party should always be thrown for the bride and groom, not by them.
  • Use it as a substitute for other wedding events, not in addition to them (say do a Stag and Doe but skip the engagement party. People get burned out on attending many events for the same couple)
  • Make it a really fun event that people WANT to attend so they don’t feel like it is just about the money. Have actually fun games and nice prizes.
  • Charge for booze, but have plenty of simple food and drinks for free.
  • Keep the ticket price fairly low or make it by donation.
  • Thank people for coming- maybe even do a big announcement during the event
  • Only only only have such a party if they are already what your social circle does. This is not going to come off well to people who don’t know what it’s about.
  • By no means pressure anyone to come or to spend more money than they are comfortable spending
  • If you are attending the party, keep in mind that it is a fundraiser, so come prepared to spend at least a little bit of money. Don’t just pay the entrance fee and then gorge on the free food/music/dancing.

For places where Stag and Does are attending by the whole community, it seems like a really nice way for everyone to support the couple, even if they wouldn’t be invited to the wedding, while getting a fun time in exchange. And honestly, it sounds way more fun than a shower where you are also spending a bunch of money, but instead of dancing, drinking, and playing games, you are sitting around politely watching someone else open presents.

Please tell me about other regional wedding traditions! Either in the comments or victoria@uncommon-courtesy.com!

 

How to Buy a Wedding Gift

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We’ve talked about this before, but I have some seen some startling things about wedding gifts on blogs lately, so I thought it would be good to do a refresher.

I was prompted in this by seeing several times over the last few weeks, wedding guests lamenting that the only things left on the wedding registry were super expensive so they were *forced* to spend so much more than they had been planning.

RECORD SCRATCH!

What?!?!?!

Um, no. My friends, a wedding registry is a suggestion of items that the happy couple would like to have. Granted, if you want to buy them a toaster and they have a specific toaster listed, you should PROBABLY get them that one since it probably has particular features that they like. But you are perfectly well within your rights as a guest to get them something that is NOT on the registry. If that seems too risky for you, EVERYONE likes checks! And honestly, people get all silly about a $25/30 check not being “enough.” But honestly, $25 is still $25 they didn’t have before and they know that their mixing bowl set is $25 so if you had gotten them that, they would still know what you spent. Don’t be embarrassed!

And if they have a honeymoon fund but only set it up to accept certain denominations (ahem, couples, do not do this. Do not start your honeyfund contributions at $75. Start them at like $10 and go up from there.), send a check with the amount you would prefer to give anyway. Honeyfunds are a total racket that deduct a percentage of the gift anyway.

So please, go forth and be joyous without destroying your budget. And honestly, if you are paying for airfare and accommodations for the wedding, your presence is definitely a present and a very sweet card or token gift should be fine. And couples who bitch about it should get over themselves.

Deal With It Devil Wears Prada

RSVP Semantics

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Jaya: This Facebook thing is freaking me out. Like, no, you don’t get to assume that if my plans open up I’ll be there. I think it’s very emblematic of the way we expect people to RSVP now. That if there is an event, unless they have previous plans or are deathly ill, they will come. Whereas no, you can just turn down an invitation and never have to give a reason, even as small of a reason as “I have other plans”

Victoria: Is that an expectation?

Jaya: I think it’s getting to be one. More like, if you say you’re not going, there has to be a reason. Sometimes you just don’t want to go!

Victoria: Hmmm interesting

Jaya: Or sometimes there is a reason but you don’t want to say it.

Victoria: I guess I don’t get invited to much that I don’t want to go to. Or like, it’s not a real invitation.

Jaya: Omg I get so many random FB event invitations.

Victoria: Haha

Jaya: And I know a lot of those don’t come with the same expectations.

Victoria: I think I have my notifications for events like that turned off?  Cause I just went to my events page and I’m like hey, a million events!

Jaya: Ahhh. But yeah I think it’s a difference. “Not going” is more vague. “Can’t go” suggests there is something preventing you from going.

Victoria: Yeah, definitely. Although, I suppose it’s just semantics. I can’t go [because I don’t want to go] still works. But yeah, I do think Not Going is a bit more neutral. I’ll get Mark Zuckerberg on the phone and let him know.

I did actually have a weird thing recently- I couldn’t go to an because I was out of town, but once I replied “Not Going” I didn’t seem to be able to post on the wall the reason why. But maybe that was a FB app issue.

Jaya: Hmmm weird. That might be a phone thing yeah.

Victoria: So that was much more annoying to me, that I couldn’t actually give a reason why I couldn’t go when I did have one.