Author Archives: Victoria Pratt

What Is The Role Of Godparents?

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Growing up, I was a little jealous of people who had godparents who were friends of their parents. My godparents were an aunt and uncle, so I didn’t get any additional gifts or attention. And that sums up my understanding of godparents.

Just kidding. Though, in this day and age, a present at Christmas and maybe a fun outing or two is the most anyone expects out of a godparent after the baptism happens.

The most important role of a godparent, traditionally, is to participate in a child’s baptism. They participate to act as the voice of the child, since infants and small children cannot speak. They generally promise to oversee the child’s spiritual upbringing as well. Usually, one godparent of each sex is chosen: a godmother and a godfather, but sometimes more are chosen. Among the aristocracy, it was very common to ask members of the royal family to be godparents to a) show respect b) hope they will be helpful in the child’s life. This still continues- Queen Elizabeth has 29 godchildren, Prince Charles has 28 (Camilla’s son…), and Prince William has 4 already.

Some religious denominations have rules- Episcopalians must have a baptized Christian as a godparent and Catholics are supposed to have a baptized Catholic in good standing as godparent. Catholics are also not supposed to serve as godparents to non-Catholics (ha- tell that to my Catholic godmother. I was baptized Episcopalian.)

Some other expectations of godparents in the Christian faith:

  • Participation in or recognition of the other sacraments (first communion, confirmation, marriage, etc)
  • Modeling good Christian life
  • Helping support the parents in religious education

So, theoretically, you should choose someone who will really do this, rather than just a friend or relative you are close to. Of course all of this is moot if you are baptizing your child for tradition’s sake and aren’t actually interested in raising them actively Christian. Then, you and the godparents can decide what kind of relationship you are all interested in having with the child.

Many people assume that the godparents are also those who will care for the child in the event of the parents’ deaths. This can sometimes be the case, but the parents must site the guardians in their will, it isn’t automatic (especially if you have multiple children with different godparents!)

Amy Vanderbilt says that “once asked to serve as a godparent, a friend is virtually bound to accept.” Though, I would update this to say if there was no religious (or anti-religious) reason preventing you from accepting. Then she says that the godparent should present the child with an heirloom-type gift that can be passed down- her example from one of her own children was “an engraved Sheffield hot-water plate, fine for keeping his baby food hot but also fine for the time he begins entertaining in his bachelor quarters. The plate will be excellent for hot hors d’oeuvres.”

Do you have godparents? Do you want your children to have godparents? Tell me more in the comments!

The Lady Magazine

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Where else do you think you are going to find your staff?

Where else do you think you are going to find your staff?

I don’t know why I never thought to look at The Lady until recently. I subscribe to Town & Country specifically because it seemed like it would be a useful resource for Uncommon Courtesy, but for some reason, I never thought to look up and see what The Lady is like, even though I knew it existed. Now, I won’t be subscribing to it because the print version is 70 Great British Pounds which is EVEN more in American dollars, not even thinking about whether they have an even more expensive rate to ship internationally. Happily for me and for you, they have a website!

The Lady is actually Britain’s longest running weekly magazine- founded in 1885. Even more delightful for me, the founder was Thomas Gibson Bowles, the maternal grandfather of the famous Mitford sisters (Nancy was a contributor at one point, natch.)

The Lady has also been mentioned on Downton Abbey several times because it was and continues to be THE place for aristocrats to advertize for household help-even the Duchess of Cambridge does it.

Aside from it’s fascinating history and royal associations, the current The Lady is MAGNIFICENT.

First, there are the world famous ads for domestic help:

“Titled Sir and Lady, without children, require a butler and housekeeper for a couple position in a beautiful country house on their estate in Yorkshire.

The suitable couple will be responsible for the smooth running of the house, chauffeuring when required, care of fine antiques, fabrics and furniture, and must be knowledgeable in laundering full clothing and care of silver.  Traditional and formal service skills are necessary.”

Secondly, a column entitled “Nanny Knows Best:”

“It’s a fine line for parents and carers who instinctively protect and cushion children from life’s difficulties. So I’ve always found that somewhere between a stiff upper lip and a gentle warm heart approach is best. Like a spectrum of sorts. Sometimes a child needs a firm but fair hand. Sometimes lots of love and hugs. And sometimes a “you’ll be right” in that moment they’ve fallen over and not sure if crying or getting back up and playing is what they want to do.

Situations require all manner of approaches and not just constant smothering.”

Traditional British culture- like how to host a Burn’s night!

“Food should be absolutely central to the party. The star of the show is normally a haggis which, in a traditional sit-down dinner, is piped in by bagpipes, toasted with a dram of whisky and pierced with a dagger before being eaten.”

Of course they have their own etiquette column:

“Dear Thomas,
My oldest friend always criticises my Christmas presents and accuses me of getting them from charity shops. This year I thought I’d really try to improve. But I’m completely stuck for ideas. Can you help?
Doris Sydenham, Reading”

And the world’s most perfect horoscopes (this is for Scorpio, which is both Jaya’s and my sign):

“Grace and tact will not diminish the power of what you have to say or write. Think: iron fist, velvet glove.”

So, as you can see, this is a must-read for any anglophile or lover of all things pretentious.

Hostess Gifts Are a Bit Weird, No?

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A tea cup is actually a fantastic hostess gift, now that I think about it. [Via Wikimedia Commons]

A tea cup is actually a fantastic hostess gift, now that I think about it. [Via Wikimedia Commons]

We’ve talked about hostess gifts plenty, but I was thinking about them the other day and I realized that they are sort of a strange custom. Something like wine, that could theoretically be used during the party (though you should never expect it!), makes sense, but when you get into some of the other ideas that end up on lists of “great hostess gifts” things start to get a little strange.

Like, “thank you so much for inviting me to dinner- here is a set of hand painted playing cards!” Or “a single teacup and saucer!” Or “a wine stopper from Italy!” All very nice things, but they seem so unrelated to the event at hand and so small and knicknacky that they really can’t be of much actual use to the recipient.

I’m not saying that we should abolish hostess gifts, because obviously they do serve a small purpose in showing your appreciation for something someone is doing for you. But, I do think that when you want to get a token gift in the under $10 range, it’s best to stick to consumables- chocolates, jams, flowers, pastries, wine that can actually seem luxurious at that price point rather than a small bit of junk that will end up in the donation box in six months.

How to Pee In Regency England

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Francois Boucher "La Toilette"

Francois Boucher “La Toilette”

There is nothing that demonstrates the change in etiquette over time like the etiquette around bodily functions. To a great extent, this is because of practicality. It is only the technology that allows us to distance ourselves from our excretions that allows us to be squeamish about them, in the past they were a fact of daily life that people had to see up close.

For example: during a dinner party, once the men and women had separated, a man might pull out a chamberpot and use it without even breaking the flow of conversation.

The French were appalled at the uncivilized behavior of the English.

The French were appalled at the uncivilized behavior of the English.

What did people use?

There was actually quite a variety of privies (what toilets were called). Some London houses had a kind of toilet like we have today, with water that flushes the waste. However, they didn’t have the technology to trap the smells, so they could be a bit unpleasant. Some homes had ‘earth closets’ which used a fine dirt to contain smells.

Most common people used a privy/outhouse, a hole in the ground with some kind of seat over it. These emptied into cesspools, which were ideally emptied regularly by “night soil men,” but in poorer areas, they were allowed to overflow and were a large contributing factor to disease.

Of course, at night, you wouldn’t want to go too far from your warm bed, so people would use a chamberpot. A chamberpot is a bowl or container (as plain or fancy as your circumstances would allow) that is kept under the bed (or sometimes in a special stool to conceal it and provide a seat) to be used during the night. You (or your maid) would empty it in the morning.

But what about when you were out and about? Many places didn’t have public toilets back then, so a well of lady would travel with a bourdaloue, a very small chamberpot that she could discreetly put under her skirts and then hand to a maid for disposal. Of course, men could always use a handy wall or alley.

Bourdaloue (don't mistake it for a gravy boat in an antique shop!)

Bourdaloue (don’t mistake it for a gravy boat in an antique shop!)

How did they go?

If you’ve ever helped a bride to the bathroom, you know that it can be difficult to maneuver when you are wearing a fancy dress. However, we have difficulties because we don’t do it every day! Women in the Regency period didn’t wear underwear (well, they didn’t wear confining underwear like we do), so they didn’t have to futz around under their skirts. And with a chamberpot, you could just move it under you rather than trying to fit yourself around a stationary toilet.

For wiping, there might be scrap fabric, moss, or straw. That one ply toilet paper in public restrooms doesn’t seem so bad now, does it?

Sushi Etiquette

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Candy sushi is my kind of sushi [Via]

Candy sushi is my kind of sushi [Via]

I don’t even like sushi that much, so I might not be the best person for this, but when has that ever stopped me? Where we lived in California growing up, there was a sushi place that had a bar with a little channel of water and the sushi came by on little boats. It was great and I don’t know why more places don’t do it.

Luckily, most Americans will never go to Japan so we can enjoy sushi like the heathens that we are in nice, moderately priced Japanese restaurants. Or even better, via Seamless in the privacy of our own homes. However, if you want to show off your good manners or start planning a trip to see that guy in Jiro Dreams of Sushi, here are some tips:

Basic tips:

  • Don’t rub your chopsticks together because it implies that they are cheap. While you are at it, also don’t stand them up right in a bowl of rice (or anything else) because it is considered bad luck.
  • Don’t ask if something is fresh or ask for what’s fresh because it insults the chef that it isn’t all fresh.
  • Do eat sushi (the items with rice) with your fingers. Only eat sashimi (just fish) with chopsticks.
  • Do dip the fish side of nigiri (rice with fish on top) into the soy sauce, never the rice side, as that picks up too much soy sauce.
  • Do try to eat each piece in one bite (might be more difficult in some places, so two bites is okay too)
  • The pickled ginger shouldn’t be put on any sushi, but rather eaten between pieces as a palate cleanser.
  • Better sushi places put exactly the right amount of wasabi already on the sushi, so you shouldn’t add it to your soy sauce (except for sashimi)
  • If you order soup and aren’t giving a spoon, drink it from the bowl

Advanced tips:

  • Sit at the sushi bar and order your sushi directly from the chef (get drinks and sides from the waiter)
  • Eat each piece directly as the chef hands it to you because it is at it’s peak and will taste the best
  • Order omakase which is the chef’s choice if you are adventurous. However, it’s a bit rude to leave food on your plate, so be aware of how hungry and experimental you are.