Author Archives: Victoria Pratt

Hostess Gifts

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We have talked a lot about always bringing a hostess gift when you are attending an Event at someone’s home (a casual party isn’t quite the same thing, just bring something to contribute). And everyone always says wine or flowers and those are lovely sure. But also boring and obvious. Be the fun, cool guest who brings something different. And these are all relatively affordable unlike some magazines I could probably name that think that people are spending $50 on a hostess gift.

A cute cookie cutter

 

An air plant in a fun planter

 

Homemade Jam

Homemade Jam

 

A teensy bottle of truffle oil- it’s only around $10 and lasts FOREVER and feels incredibly fancy

 

Bubble Bath/a bath bomb (Lush has amazing bath bombs for about $7)

 

Nice tea or a bag of coffee beans

 

Cocktail syrups or artisinal bitters

 

Cocktail napkins

 

Fancy salt

 

A cool pool float (obviously best for people who have a pool, but…)

 

Art Magnets

 

Playing cards

 

A great book or at least a classic with a great cover

 

Pastries for the host’s breakfast the next day (Jaya inadvertently did this for me once and it was the best!)

The best hostess gift I ever got was an Ouija board. It wasn’t INTENDED as a hostess gift, I don’t think, but someone left it at my apartment after a party and said I could keep it, so there we are. Have you ever gotten or given a hostess gift? What was the best one?

If you are going to clutch your pearls…

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Via [Wikimedia Commons]

While we try not to be too pearl clutchy here at Uncommon Courtesy, we do occasionally run across situations that leave us grasping at our college-graduation-gift strands [Ed note: Or our inherited ones, Victoria. – Jaya]. And if you are gonna clutch them, you might as well know something about them.

Are they real?

Grab your pearls. Now open your mouth and rub them gently across your teeth (this won’t hurt them!). Do they feel a bit gritty? Or are they smooth? Real pearls feel gritty on the teeth and fake pearls feel smooth. If you see me out and about in pearls I will let you put them in your mouth, it’s such a neat trick. BTW, a lot of fake pearls are really good, so if you can’t afford the real thing, don’t feel bad about wearing fakes.

What is a pearl?

A pearl is a bit of crud covered in oyster spit. Fortunately for us, oysters have magical spit that turns into a shiny hard material. Nowadays almost all pearls are cultured, which means a small bead is artificially inserted into the oyster and left to get covered in nacre (they even have a fancy word for oyster spit!), which is a much faster and more efficient way of getting pearls. The alternative is hauling up millions of oysters and hoping you might find a few pearls.

Are all pearls the same?

No! There are several different types of pearls:

  • Akoya: are your basic white pearls
  • Freshwater pearls: are the cheapest kind
  • Tahitian pearls: are what people usually refer to as black pearls, because they are black
  • South Sea pearls: are giant pearls
  • Baroque pearls: aren’t really a type, but a shape. They are the ones that are all lumpy.

How do you take care of them?

Fortunately for pearl clutchers, the oils from your skin are good for pearls, so it’s great to fiddle with them. They will also dehydrate if you leave them in a drawer forever, so make sure you wear them frequently! However, stuff like perfume and hairspray are very bad for them, so they should be the very last thing you put on and the first thing you take off. Store them where they won’t get tangled and scratched by your other jewelry (I keep mine in the box they came in, outside of my usual jewelry box.)

Important People of Etiquette: Beau Brummel

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Via [Wikimedia Commons]

So back in the day, in the 1700s, (rich) people were all about piling on ALL the fancy clothes. By wearing pounds of expensive stuff like lace, silk, brocade, gold, silver, wigs, hats, high heels (for dudes!), and so forth, you showed you were rich. But then in the 1790’s, along comes this guy named Beau Brummel, who changes men’s fashion radically and whose influence is still felt in those black tie wedding invitations you receive.

Beau was a middle class chap, so he actually couldn’t wear the fancy breeches and coats so popular back then as it would have been above his station. However, his family was fairly well off and he was able to attend Eton and then Oxford before joining a prestigious army regiment led by the Prince of Wales (future George IV). There he became good friends with the Prince and was able to join high society. Instead of the frilly frocks that other gentlemen wore, Beau focused on very simple and elegant clothing. He preferred very tight, light pants tucked into tall black boots, tail coats, and very very white neck cloths or cravat. For nighttime, it was similar but with all black clothing and white linen- the standard for mens evening dress even continuing today. Part of Beau’s schtick was extreme cleanliness. He would take more than two hours to bathe and shave, and then would be particularly fussy about tying his cravat. His fussiness inspired the rhyme about a dandy:

My neckcloth, of course, forms my principal care

For by that we criterions of elegance swear;

And it costs me, each morning, some hours of flurry

To make it appear to be tied in a hurry.

Obviously he was all about the unstudied coolness that takes tons of time and energy to pull off. He even claimed to never eat vegetables and polish his boots with champagne. He was so focused on himself and his image that he had no romantic relationships and even cut ties with his family.

Unfortunately for Beau, all of this elegance couldn’t stand up to even his large fortune. His debts piled up and he had to escape to France. Where more debts piled up and he spent the last years of his life running around trying to avoid them, eventually going slightly mad and dying in prison.

So You Want To Have a Themed Wedding

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Super special thanks to Matt Lubchansky for taking my little pencil drawing and making it all fancy.

Super special thanks to Matt Lubchansky for taking my little pencil drawing and making it all fancy.

So you’re getting married and want to have a wedding that totally represents everything about you as a couple and that’s great! Although, this might be a good time to bring up the point that sometimes your flowers can just be flowers and don’t have to be THE flowers that SYMBOLIZE your love (just a thought!). Anyway, I was reading this great post on OffBeat Bride about themed weddings and being inclusive to all your guests and my own opinion of it is that you don’t really have to explain your theme to your guests at all. Yes, sure YOU are very excited about your elaborate Dr. Who centerpieces, but unless your guests are into it, those centerpieces are just centerpieces to them, and that’s okay. I am a big wedding fan and love little details. Recently, I attended Jaya’s wedding, and despite hearing about all the details for MONTHS in advance and being ready to check everything out- in the moment, I was so BUSY having an amazing time that I completely forgot to look at any details at all. It all looked beautiful and that was enough. That being said, there are a few things to keep in mind when having a theme heavy wedding.

Ceremony:

By all means, work your theme or references into your vows and readings. Just leave enough of the usual bits that people know that they are for sure witnessing a wedding ceremony. Perhaps do not conduct the ceremony in Klingon, at least without a translator.

Costumes:

You cannot require your guests to wear full-on costumes to your wedding.  Now don’t pout, Jaya and I LOVE costume parties and throw a costume birthday party every year where we highly suggest costumes (and inspires some interesting costumes from costume hating people- such as the same increasingly ratty wig being used three times to represent different costumes). However, anyone who doesn’t want to attend a regular costume party can just say no. A wedding has a much stronger expectation of attendance and your guests are supposed to be your friends and loved ones, not costumed extras in your pageant.

By all means, share the theme and welcome your guests to dress accordingly if they wish. I went to a 20s themed wedding and a good portion of the guests went with 20s inspired outfits- I wore a ruffled dress that kinda sorta looked flapperish. But don’t turn your family and friends away if they don’t have the energy to make a Victorian Zombie costume!

Also, please cut out the dress code instructions for Cowboy Chic or Steampunk Cocktail or Ocean Colors. No one knows what you mean (probably not even you) and you are just inviting 1,000 emails from stressed Aunts asking what you mean. Your dress code choices are informal or formal (black tie/cocktail attire are acceptable too). That’s it. The only people whose attire you can dictate is your own (you being the couple), and your wedding party. Besides, as in the aforementioned flapper wedding, many people will catch onto a theme and dress a little accordingly on their own.

Reception:

Go nuts with your decorations, just don’t get annoyed if people don’t particularly notice or care. Some commenters on Offbeat Bride suggest a glossary of all your references (the best place would be on your wedding website). This is fine, but again, don’t be put out if people don’t get really into it. Don’t force people to care either- trivia games and scavenger hunts will not be fun for people who aren’t already interested or aren’t familiar with your theme.

That said, know your crowd! Maybe your family and friends really will be into finding all your references and competing with the other tables in trivia. The same for other reception activities–karaoke or board games will go over well with some crowds and not with others (same with dancing, for that matter). But be honest with yourself; if you are inviting 10 of your gamer friends and 90 conservative extended family members, a giant, all-inclusive light saber fight is probably not going to happen.

Speeches too, shouldn’t be only full of in-jokes between the speaker and the happy couple. There’s only so much control you have over the speeches given to you, but it’s something to keep in mind. Actually the best Maid of Honor speech I’ve heard was thematically about Harry Potter, but it really told a story about the couple and was very sweet.

Just remember, always, that your guests are there to celebrate with you. As long as you give them food (appropriate to the time of the reception), drinks (or some kind, doesn’t have to be alcohol), a place to sit (if necessary), and make sure you greet every single guest, then you have fulfilled your hosting duties and everything else is up to you. Just remember to send your (themed, natch!) thank you notes.

Thank Goodness We Don’t Have to Do That Anymore: 1950’s Style Introductions

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Be very mature and giggle at the author’s name. We’ll wait.

I have this great book called Etiquette for Young Moderns from 1954. It’s exactly what you would expect from a 1950s etiquette book for teens. And it starts out with how to make introductions.

The rules for introductions, according to this book, are pretty simple:

  1. You introduce men and boys to women and girls
  2. You introduce younger people to older people

This means that you say the name of the “socially superior” person first. Their charming examples:

Right: Mother, this is Chad Bowles.

Wrong: Chad, I’d like you to meet my mother.

Right: Mr. Walser, this is my kid brother, Bill.

Wrong: Bill, meet Mr. Walser, principal of Jefferson High.

They also list out acceptable and unacceptable phrases to use during an introduction.

Acceptable:

  • I’d like to introduce
  • I’d like you to meet
  • This is…

Unacceptable:

  • Mostly this has to do with “giving orders” like, “meet” and “shake hands with”
  • May I present is considered too formal for most introductions

When you are introduced to someone, you simply acknowledge it with a “how do you do” or “hello,” but don’t use frilly phrases like “charmed.”

Men and boys must always shake hands when introduced to each other, but when a man is introduced to a woman, it is up to her to extend her hand first!

These rules are very similar to all the rules you will find in older etiquette books such as Emily Post. Like I said before though, I’m just happy if someone introduces people at all, without having to remember who is introduced to whom.