Author Archives: Victoria Pratt

The Etiquette of Reciprocity

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You do not have to host the same type of party as a Duke. [Via]

When you are given hospitality by someone, it is an etiquette rule that you must reciprocate. Now this makes a lot of people uncomfortable because maybe you don’t have as nice a house or as much money and can’t always entertain in the same style that someone has entertained out. However, that is not the way reciprocity works. It’s not really a tit for tat kind of a deal.

If Mr.and Mrs. Hobnoby have you over for a four course gourmet dinner prepared by their live in chef, there is no expectation that you will invite them to a similar meal in your fourth floor walk up. Part of the reason God invented the cocktail party is so you can “reciprocate” many invitations in one big go that doesn’t cost you a lot per person. Unfortunately, a good hostess gift does not count as reciprocation- it is merely a (important) token of thanks.

Happily, you don’t even necessarily have to reciprocate with some kind of big event. Maybe you have helped someone move every year for the last five years, maybe you always do Friday movies and wine at your place, and maybe you are the person who arranges your weekly lunch date. All of that counts as reciprocation. As you can see, it’s really all about making sure you are both pulling your weight in the relationship and one person isn’t taking advantage of the other. Merely extending an invitation actually fulfills your obligation to reciprocate, and if you are refused, you needn’t do any more (however, this also might mean that the person doesn’t want to be friends with you!)

I should also note that it is important to also let people reciprocate your hospitality.  Even if you intend to be generous, always wanting to host at your house doesn’t give others the chance to shine. Plus, you don’t want to give off the impression that other people’s hospitality isn’t good enough for you.

There are some exceptions to the need for reciprocity. You almost never need to really reciprocate with your parents and in-laws, the parent-child relationship is almost by necessity one where the sides are very uneven. However, occasionally treating your parents to something never goes amiss. I would also say that being treated by a friend’s parent is similar- when they take you and their child to dinner, you are really the guest of the child and should be reciprocating with them (hopefully you will also invite them along when your parents are visiting). Also, a boss employee relationship is one where if your boss takes you to lunch, you do not need to reciprocate (same as how you do not give gifts to your boss) because of the difference in power between the two of you.

The Cut Direct: The Fiercest Etiquette Punishment

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Go watch Charlie the Unicorn if you never have.

Did you guys know that there is something that you can do when someone is so unspeakably rude that you can no longer bear to be in their presence? It is only to be used in the most dire of etiquette circumstances because it is a very cruel thing to do someone who doesn’t deserve it. You can cut someone (not with a knife!). Basically you completely ignore them to their face. A version of the silent treatment, as it were. If you look straight at someone, especially at their greeting, and do not acknowledge them in any way, then you are cutting them.

The cut direct goes back a long time- it developed during the Regency period (Jane Austen times) and could be much more socially devastating than just one person ignoring another. There were also a lot of rules that went along with it:

  • To be a true cut, the cutter had to be so deliberate and obvious about it that the cuttee could have no doubt about what was happening.
  • A gentleman was never to cut a lady, no matter what she had done.
  • Gentlemen had to be particularly careful about cutting other gentlemen, as the snub could lead to the challenge of a duel.
  • Unmarried ladies were not to cut married ladies.
  • Hosts could not cut their guests (why had they invited them in the first place?)
  • Social leaders had to be very cautious in using it, as their use of it could very well destroy a person socially (if you are completely ostracized from Society, then you ruin all of your marriage prospects and/or your children’s marriage prospects, and since at the time, marriage was a consolidation of wealth and power- then you would have none. Not to mention having no friends and basically no where to go and nothing to do.) Famously, the Prince of Wales cut Beau Brummel publicly and it actually backfired on him because Beau hadn’t really done anything dreadful and everyone felt that the Prince was abusing his power shamefully.

A cut direct must be employed only when someone has done something truly horrible and everyone in your social circle knows it. Otherwise it will make you look petty and cruel.

Etiquette Tidbits #1

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Men are safest kept in bottles. [Via]

So there are a lot of pieces of etiquette that don’t really fit into a whole how-to post or merit all that much discussion, little etiquette tidbits as it were. Here are a few:

  • Don’t take the flowers/centerpieces from a wedding reception unless you are specifically told to.
  • Always remove the price tag from gifts (or use a sharpie to cross it out).
  • Put your gum in the trash instead of under furniture or on the sidewalk.
  • Don’t pick flowers, fruit, or vegetables from people’s yards!
  • Obvious subtweeting is rude, however, feel free to subtweet brands, because, despite what the government says, corporations are not people with feelings to be hurt.

Regifting with Grace

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Wrap your regifts in fetching zebra print wrapping paper. [via Wikimedia Commons]

Regifting is when someone gives you a gift, you decide you do not like it (or you already have it), and so you give it as a gift to someone else. It is not inherently rude, but, like so many other things in life, can be done rudely.

Things to remember when regifting:

  • When regifting, make sure that you are truly regifting- ie you have not used the item in question at all yourself and it is still in mint condition.
  • Make sure to remove all old tags. You want the recipient to think that you bought it especially for them. Obviously don’t regift anything that has been inscribed or engraved for you! While we are at it, remove any price tags if the original gifter hadn’t (you do all know to remove price tags before giving gifts, right??)
  • Avoid regifting extremely unique items when the original giver might see it.
  • Make sure the gift is something you think the recipient would like to receive, not just something you want to get rid of (save those for White Elephant exchanges!)
  • You should probably also not regift family heirlooms whose absence will be noticed.
  • Definitely do not present the regift in front of the person who gave it to you originally!

The key is to make sure that no one’s feelings get hurt in the regifting process- either the original giver or the recipient.

It’s Okay to Wear White After Labor Day

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Personally, I think what colors you wear when is a matter of taste and fashion rather than etiquette, but some people think it’s actually rude, so here we are.

The traditional period for wearing white was Memorial Day through Labor Day (with some municipalities allowing a brief wearing of white for Easter and then packing it away again until Memorial Day.) The reason is is that Memorial Day through Labor Day marks the effective “summer” period. Back in the Victorian era where many of etiquette and social customs were formalized, rich people would leave their houses in the cities and go to the country homes for the summer months. In town, everyone wore very serious, dark, heavy clothes, but in the country they would wear nice, light, white clothing which was more comfortable during hot weather (and remember, there was no A/C back then!) When they returned to the city after Labor Day, they would put their summer clothing away and return to their more formal city clothes. Also, back then, city streets were full of mud and horse poop and garbage and the air was full of coal smoke and soot and all kinds of things that made wearing white extremely impractical. So it just kind of stuck and became codified into this “rule.” Also, as New York was kind of the center of the fashionable world, rules were made to follow the Northeastern climate where it didn’t really start to get hot until Memorial Day and it cooled down quickly after Labor Day.

Nowadays, it’s totally fine to wear white whenever you like, especially if you live in a climate where a sundress is perfectly comfortable in March. The fashion industry even has a thing called “winter white” which is white you can wear in the wintertime. Now of course, you might simply find it more practical and comfortable to put your more summery whites away in the winter, but nothing is stopping you from wearing white linen pants in January if you want.