Author Archives: Victoria Pratt

Etiquette Origins: Escort Cards

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Via Flickr

Escort cards are probably the easiest part of the wedding to DIY and you can be incredibly creative with them. Via Flickr

I was very confused for a while when I first started reading wedding websites (erm, for research for friends weddings and this here etiquette website) and people kept referring to escort cards. At this stage in my life I had not been to many weddings so I was like “what’s an escort card?” If you also do not know, an escort card is the little card with your name on it that you find at the entrance to the reception that tells you what table you are to sit at. This is a modern alternative to the more traditional seating chart or a simple place card at your seat (why doesn’t anyone do these anymore???) The most confusing thing about escort cards, to me, was the name. Sure they tell you where you are supposed to sit, but they aren’t ESCORTING you there. It seemed like a very active verb for such a passive way of getting you to your seat.

It turns out that escort cards have a previous etiquette life where they made a lot more sense.

Back in the Downton Abbey type of era, for a fancy dinner all the guests would meet outside the dining room before the meal started. When dinner was ready, the butler would say that dinner was served. Then all the guests would line up two by two, boy and girl, like little ducks and march into the dining room. To complicate things, in England (and other places??), every single person had a rank and that rank HAD to determine where they would sit at dinner and in what order they would march in. Hostesses literally had to hire people and buy giant books to tell them what order their guests had to go in. So after putting all that work in, the hostess couldn’t let the guests bungle it up by choosing who to walk in with. So, the escort card was invented to tell men which lady they would be ESCORTING (active verbs for active actions!) into the dining room and what order they would be in. These would be shown to the men discreetly or handed to them when they arrived for dinner.

And now we have Pinterest to tell us that we are never going to be good enough, even with some stupid scraps of paper.

Alternative history: The Art of Manliness has a fascinating post describing escort cards as a cheeky way that 19th century men asked women out on dates.

How to Sell Girl Scout Cookies Politely

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Only if they are made from real Girl Scouts. (The author unfortunately does not have a digital copy of her in her Girl Scout uniform. Darn.)

Only if they are made from real Girl Scouts. (The author unfortunately does not have a digital copy of her in her Girl Scout uniform. Darn.)

It’s that time of year when gentle spring breezes waft the scent of delicious cookies towards our noses. Whether you call them tagalongs or peanut butter patties, we all need our fix of the famous Girl Scout Cookies. However, if you happen to be a Girl Scout (as I once was) or a Girl Scout parent, there are a few things you should keep in mind when you set out to sell cookies.

Door to Door

In my day, this was the #1 way to sell cookies, which was pretty awkward when both my sister and I were selling cookies at the same time (I have no idea how my parents dealt with it.) But basically, you went around your neighborhood, rang the doorbells, asked if they would like to order some cookies and boom, done. Then you went back around to deliver the cookies weeks later.

I believe the Girl Scouts discourage this practice now due to safety concerns. Anyway, if you are going to do it you must:

  • Take no for an answer. Cookie sales are not the time for high pressure sales tactics.
  • Say thank you to those who place orders and those that don’t.
  • Don’t ring the bell more than once or twice.
  • Always go with an adult (or a buddy if you are older, I guess. I quit Girl Scouts when I was 10.)
  • Promptly deliver the cookies after you receive them.

Parent’s Work

I was always jealous of the girls who would win the big cookie selling prizes because their parents worked in huge offices and would just bring the sheet in for them to sign up. I am still jealous of people who work in huge offices where parents bring in Girl Scout cookie sign up sheets. This is another instance where high pressure sales tactics are not appropriate. Just leave the sign up sheet in the breakroom or wherever with a note and let people sign up on their own. If you are the boss, it is doubly especially important that you make it clear that cookie purchases are optional, as often people feel pressure to buy things from their boss because they are the boss.

Cookie Stands

When I was in college, a group of Girl Scouts would set up their cookie stand outside our student center at lunch time and make bank, I’m sure. Those girls are going to go far in life because they realized the importance of location and the appetites of college students. Again, no high pressure sales tactics necessary. Just set up somewhere busy with a bright display of cookies and watch the money roll in. A few cute munchkins standing about asking people if they want to buy cookies is fine. Otherwise, pleases and thank yous are all you need.

Thank Goodness We Don’t Have to Do That Anymore: The Guest Card

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Things that are only possible with this many servants.

Back in the day, for a certain level of hostess (ie with a huge house and a lot of servants), guests would have quite a lot of options during their stay- whether they would have breakfast in their rooms (if you haven’t noticed, on Downtown Abbey, it is only married women who are allowed to have breakfast in bed), what they would like for breakfast, etc. Usually the hostess would ask these questions naturally during the first day of the stay. But the truly chic hostess would leave a little card in the guest’s room for them to fill out before dinner:

What time do you want to be awakened? …………………..
Or, will you ring? ……………………………………
Will you breakfast up-stairs? …………………………..
Or down? …………………………………………….

Underscore Your Order:

Coffee, tea, chocolate, milk,
Oatmeal, hominy, shredded wheat,
Eggs, how cooked?
Rolls, muffins, toast,
Orange, pear, grapes, melon.

At Bedtime Will You Take

Hot or cold milk, cocoa, orangeade,
Sandwiches, meat, lettuce, jam,
Cake, crackers,
Oranges, apples, pears, grapes.

That’s even nicer service than any hotel I’ve ever been to! Of course, this sort of thing was super rare and in no way would be expected today.

In a related note, grand houses also used to have “guest books” just like you would see in a fancy B&B or a historical site, in which all the guests would write their names, the date of their visit, and some comments. This was a way for the family to look back on who had visited them and when (a must for frequent hosts!) and a nice momento. These are great resources for historians today, as well.

How to Host an Overnight Guest

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Not exactly the most welcoming. [Via Wikimedia Commons

Hosting overnight guests is the most intimate form of hosting since you are essentially signing up to share your living space with someone for a period of time. Now, the level of hosting can vary greatly- you are going to treat a one night guest, a weekend guest, and a long term guest in slightly different ways. But there are some key things to remember:

  • Figure out where they are going to sleep ahead of time ( I also recommend being upfront with your sleeping arrangements when you extend the invitation- let them know that they will be sleeping on your couch, the floor, the spare bed, etc. so those who cannot sleep in certain arrangements can decline.)
  • Make sure you have everything set up before your guest arrives. Blow up the air mattress and make it up with clean sheets, make sure the guest bed has clean sheets, etc. (If they are sleeping on your couch, you shouldn’t make it up until just before they go to sleep so you can both sit on it.) The idea is to not make the guest feel like a burden as they see you scramble to get everything together. Plus if you discover the air mattress has a hole or the blower is out of batteries or all your sheets are dirty, you will have time to remedy it.
  • Pull out a set of (again, clean!) towels for your guest to use and point them out to the guest when they arrive.
  • It’s nice to have some snacks and drinks available that you tell the guest to help themselves to.
  • Show the guest where cups, plates, forks, etc are stored so they can get them themselves.
  • Make some effort to tidy up, especially in the bathroom. You might not mind showering in a tub with a gross ring, but that’s because it’s YOUR gross ring.
  • Unless you know for sure your guest isn’t a breakfast person, try to have a couple of things on hand like toast, cereal, and orange juice. If you are a baker, make some muffins, or go all out and make scrambled eggs and bacon. It will really make your guest feel cared for and they will be happy not to leave your house ravenous to go to whatever plans you have for the day (unless you are planning on going out to breakfast!). Here is my etiquette confession: I can’t offer people coffee because I don’t own a coffee maker. But I do live literal steps from a bodega that guests can get coffee from, so forgiven?
  • If you and your guest are sharing your bedroom make sure to talk about whether you are ready to turn out the light and what time you want to wake up.
  • If you have a friend coming to visit, make sure you come up a list of fun things to see and do that you can share with them. They don’t know what’s good to do and you do! If they are coming for some other reason, help them out with figuring out where they are going, transportation, important things to know, copies of your keys, etc.

Important People of Etiquette: Ward McAllister

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Previously: Beau Brummel

If you’re really into the Gilded Age or historical etiquette, you’ve probably heard of The Four Hundred. The Four Hundred represented New York’s social elite in the late 19th century and comes from the number of people that could fit in Mrs. William Backhouse Astor, Jr.’s (neé Caroline Webster Schemerhorn) ballroom. It turns out that, technically, the 400 person ballroom was actually at their Newport, RI “summer cottage.” I guess even back then space was tight in NYC. THE Mrs. Astor, as she was known, was the social gatekeeper for New York society. The Astors and their ilk were the cream of “Old New York” and were adamant about keeping all the “New Money” riffraff out. Enter Ward McAllister.

McAlister was born into a socially prominent family in Savannah, GA. After making some money as a lawyer in the California goldrush, he travelled around Europe picking up European manners and becoming acquainted with the customs of the nobility. Returning to the US, he married Sarah Taintor Gibbons and joined New York society. Distantly related, Mrs. Astor became his patroness and he set out to become the leader of society.

At the time, the Old Money of New York was the descendants of the original Dutch colonists or Knickerbockers and the New Money were people like the Vanderbilts who had earned (as opposed to inherited) their money recently in industries such as railroads. McAllister called the cream of the Old Money society The Tong (a play on the British expression, the Ton?) He also apparently called the Old Money the “Nobs” and the New Money “The Swells.” To be considered part of the four hundred, you had to have three generations of wealthy ancestors who had not worked in the trades.

Early on, he bought a house in Newport, RI and by convincing his society friends to also build summer homes there, made it one of the grandest summer resorts in the country.

As a founder of The Patriarchs, a group of fifty wealthy men who hosted many important events during the social season, he had great control over what social events were and who was invited to them. He also gave advice to society hostesses about food, wine, clothes, dancing, etiquette, and entertainments. Importantly, he saw his role as a social arbiter as an important job. He never dined at his club like so many men of his era so that he would always be available to dine with ladies. He was also fastidious about paying and returning social calls, to keep this web that held society up going.

He was also a famous host, giving small dinners in New York and hosting extremely popular picnics in Newport each summer.

In 1890, McAllister wrote a memoir, Society As I Have Found It, which while outlining his life and containing great detail on his methods of entertaining, also contained plenty of information about those high society people he was friends with. They were not pleased about this as they valued their privacy and banished him from society. Though, when he died in 1895, his funeral was attended by many of the society people who had been his friends.