Author Archives: Jaya Saxena

How To Throw A Polite Wedding On The Cheap, Pt. 1

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A backyard tiki wedding sounds AWESOME

A backyard tiki wedding sounds AWESOME [Via]

Dispatches from wedding world have been getting a little crazy. People are getting their weddings corporately sponsored. They’re asking guests to pay for their dinners, or putting bank transfer details on invitations. They’re yelling at guests for not giving them enough money. It’s nonsense, but it’s an unfortunate symptom of an industry that tends to conflate “fancy” with “polite.”

We are taught that providing the MOST at a party is the nicest thing you can do, so couples want to provide the MOST at their weddings, and when they realize that it gets expensive quickly, they decide that they should pass the costs onto guests…completely forgetting that whole “hosting” thing.

The bottom line is your wedding is about making whoever is invited feel welcome and thanked. This doesn’t mean you have to invite 200 people. This doesn’t mean you have to serve a sit-down dinner or have a top-shelf bar. This doesn’t mean you have to give everyone elaborate favors. You just have to make people feel welcome, and that is easier than you may think.

Recently, The Daily Mail outlined some ways couples are trying to scrimp and save on their weddings (though it doesn’t really cite anything). We discussed a few of them.

Asking Guests To Cover Their Meal

Jaya: “Bank details are often printed at the bottom of the invitation so you can pay for the meal in advance.” faints

Victoria: Okay! This is a Europe vs America thing- Europeans don’t use checks ever at all, they do everything through direct transfers. So basically its the same as expecting someone to send a check. Still tacky, obvs, but it’s the request for money, not the bank details.

Jaya: Still, the idea of putting any request besides for RSVP on an invitation! The only time I can think of it being okay to ask for wedding guests to pay for their own dinner is if you get a courthouse marriage and just ask everyone to join you at a restaurant after, where it is 100% clear you are not actually hosting, you’re just asking people to meet you for dinner.

Victoria: Do not ask anyone to pay for any part of a party you are hosting is my firm line. I mean, you can ask your parents but not guests.

Returning Registry Gifts For Money

Victoria: I think the argument there is that it’s disingenuous to act like you want all that stuff and never ever have any intention of actually keeping it.

Jaya: Yes. You don’t have to make a registry, or put a million things on it. If you just want cash, don’t make a registry and you’ll probably get cash.

Victoria: And then you can cash in all those toasters you do get with a free conscience.

Jaya: Exactly. Once you give a gift, it’s not up to you to judge how the person uses it (or returns it).

Email Invitations

Jaya: I see no problem with this.

Victoria: Yeah, I don’t reaaaaallly care about email invitations. I care a little, but not much.

Jaya:  The only time I can see it being an issue is if most people don’t use email, because then it’s not even functional. But if you’re not a sentimental person, and just want to get the information out, this is just fine. Go for it.

Victoria: Right, but that’s a different thing. it’s something I would raise my eyebrows at stylistically (similar to heavily themed weddings), but everyone has the right to do it as long as they aren’t also being rude. It’s more a matter of personal taste than etiquette.

“One of the newest tricks is covertly providing champagne for the wedding party – the bride and groom, bridesmaids and best man – but no one else.”

Jaya: Serving only champagne to the bride and groom and family and not everyone else seems weird, but then they mention the bride and groom getting top shelf champagne and serving everyone else something cheap. That just seems overly complicated.

Victoria: Yesss also, just obnoxious. Just get everyone the same stuff!!!

Jaya: Or just don’t serve champagne! I know the champagne toast is seen as this classic thing, but you can do it with wine.

Selling Your Wedding Supplies

Victoria: This is just SMART.

Jaya: Yes! So many wedding websites have little marketplaces for your excess candles and chair covers and whatnot, because you will probably never use them again.

Asking Friends For Help

Jaya: I think this heavily depends on who you’re asking and what you’re asking them to do. It’s totally acceptable, but there’s a line between asking people for help and asking them to become your employees for the day.

Victoria: And it depends on their tolerance for it. I think it’s a very “know your audience” sort of thing, though there are some things I think are never really okay- like making them clean up the whole reception afterwards, except in possibly very special circumstances.

Jaya: Yes. I think my personal line is making guests do any sort of work during the actual wedding or immediately after. Setup, sure. Asking friends to help with crafts in the months leading up, totally. But once you’re in party mode I think it’s really rude to ask people to remove themselves so they can break down tables. Also, you shouldn’t plan the wedding under the assumption that you’ll get this help. Like, be ready to make every one of those streamers yourselves if none of your friends want to spend a night crafting with you.

Uninvitations: “Brides who want to let would-be guests down gently send out Non-Invitations, which are meant to be a polite way of letting people know they haven’t made the cut.”

Jaya: Jesus fucking christ.

Victoria: It’s so unnecessary and potentially hurtful! People will know they are not invited if they do not receive an invitation!

Jaya: Yes! Also you do not owe anyone an explanation for this sort of stuff! Oh my god this is just too much.

 

And there you have it! Next up, we’ll be discussing some more ways you can save money while still having a beautiful and polite wedding.

How To Grocery Shop Without Going Crazy

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Don’t smash cans on the ground

Do you like grocery shopping? I love it. I could go down every aisle a million times and look at how they’re organized, and find new things to cook with, or weird candy bars I’ve never seen before. However, I also realize mine is not the majority opinion. (I also prefer narrow, overcrowded grocery stores. The ones with the big aisles and bright lights in the suburbs give me the creeps.) For a lot of people, grocery shopping can be a hassle, in large part because you have to deal with so many other people parking and shopping and waiting on line. It’s like a people factorial, and I totally understand how it can be horrifying. So let’s talk about a few proactive ways you can make your grocery shopping experience all the better.

  • Don’t block the aisle with your cart. This can be tricky sometimes if the aisles are really narrow, but in that case just be vigilant. Stay near your cart and if you see someone is trying to get past, move. Also don’t just leave your cart in the middle of an aisle while you shop elsewhere. Maybe those people who put razor blades in candy apples on Halloween are in the store and just did that to your dinner supplies.
  • Don’t leave unwanted groceries all around the store. Ok, I’ve totally done this, but you shouldn’t. If you picked up some chicken and decide you don’t want it, don’t sneak it into the peanut butter section and pretend no one will notice. However, no one cares if you put the Cheerios back in front of the Chex. It’s the little things, right?
  • Ask where lines begin and end, not just at checkout. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been waiting at the deli counter only to have someone come in on the other side and assume they’re next. Cool it, lady, I need lunchmeat.
  • Keep an eye on your kids. Does your grocery store have one of those carts with the fake car in front for kids to sit in? Good. Use it. No one wants to accidentally run their overflowing cart into a wayward toddler. If not just make sure they’re close and not ripping through snack boxes.
  • Figure out if you need to bag your own groceries. We’ve covered this already, but figure out how to quickly and efficiently get through the checkout line.
  • Don’t take too many items into the express line. More from us on this soon, but be reasonable if you have one or two things over the limit or if there is a long line in the express line already.

What To Wear To That Funeral

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Only wear outfits like these if you're going to a fashion designer's funeral

Only wear outfits like these if you’re going to a fashion designer’s funeral

It’s an unfortunate fact that, as we get older, we start attending more and more funerals and memorial services. It’s also unfortunate (or maybe fortunate) that, for all the talk we have about weddings and baby showers and bar mitzvahs, no one spends a lot of time talking about how to conduct yourself at one of these things. For instance, when Victoria and I discussed what to wear, I said the only guidance I was given was “wear black,” while she said her mom told her not to wear black to the one funeral she has attended. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

We don’t seem to be the only ones who are confused. Over at Etiquette Hell, this woman writes that she was chastised for wearing a black, sleeveless dress and a hat with a mini-veil to a wedding, and the commenters seem to be completely divided over the issue of what she wore. So where does this leave us? Here are some tips on what to consider when picking out an outfit for a funeral.

1. Where is it? – If the funeral services are being held in a place of worship, you’re more likely to find a more conservative dress code. In the Etiquette Hell link, but the woman was told that her outfit was inappropriate for the grieving family’s “faith and culture,” though it’s unclear what those are. But keep in mind that if you’re in a place of worship, your shoulders and knees will most likely need to be covered. For men, a black suit will do you just fine. For women, if you can’t find a dark-colored dress with sleeves (or it’s too hot to wear one), invest in simple jacket or shawl.

2. Who is it for?– Victoria said that, traditionally, wearing all black connotes “strong mourning,” and is most appropriate for the immediate family of the deceased. This isn’t to say that if you have a black dress you can’t wear it, just that you don’t need to be stressing yourself out if all you have on hand is something in dark blue. It’s better to wear a muted colored dress or suit than to show up in leggings and a baggy sweater because those are the two black things you happen to own. Traditionally, veils are reserved for the spouse/parents/children of the deceased, so if you decide to wear a hat make sure it doesn’t include one. Of course, this depends on your culture and traditions, so use your best judgment. The problem with wearing something “showy” like a hat with a veil is that it draws attention to you and away from the deceased and their immediate family, especially when people don’t really wear hats anymore. Like a wedding, you should absolutely avoid wearing anything that draws particular attention to yourself (unless you are the immediate family.)

3. Think conservative– A sleeved, long-ish black dress is great. A black satin dress with an open back is not. Try to keep jewelry, super-bright colors, and overall shine to a minimum. Same thing with shoes–now is the perfect time for sensible flats or boots.

4. Ignore all of this if the deceased wants you to– Apparently some people get very specific in their wills about what you should and should not wear at their funerals. Some people want everyone in their favorite colors, or specifically ask for no black. Usually you’ll be notified of this if this is the case.

What You Can and Cannot Conduct Over Social Media

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Good lord just don't be this person [via Jezebel]

Good lord just don’t be this person [via Jezebel]

It’s easy to use social media. It’s too easy. I can think of at least three friends with whom I make plans entirely over social media, because I do not have their phone numbers or email addresses. I know, I’m a millennial, go ahead and yell at me or whatever. [Ed note: Millennial used to not show up under spell check, and now it does. Progress.] We’re not here to judge you for how you get in touch with your friends. However, there are some interactions that should not be conducted in a public place. Let’s go over some. (And remember, most of this varies depending on who you’re connected with. It may look different if you’re friends with 2,000 people v. 20).

1. Don’t ask someone on a date– This doesn’t even have to be a romantic date. Any question of “when are we hanging out” should be taken to a private conversation, whether it’s Facebook messaging, DM on Twitter, private snapchat (???), anything. The whole world shouldn’t see you debating whether you can make the 8pm showing of Lucy or if you should go to the 9:45pm one just to be safe. On Twitter you might be able to get away with this more, since if you message someone only the people who follow both of you can see it, but after a while it’s probably easier to switch to email anyway.

2. Don’t RSVP on someone’s public page- If you’ve been invited to a Facebook event or something like that, RSVP through that page. Don’t write out why you can’t come on the host’s page, because maybe they wanted the event kept private, and definitely don’t RSVP on social media for an invitation you got in the mail. Similarly, don’t try to host a party through your public social media pages. Saying “come to my house for a BBQ on Saturday” will either get you hundreds of people asking for your address, or you having to explain to a bunch of strangers that you don’t actually want them there. YMMV depending on privacy settings, etc., but if you have 20 people you want to invite, just invite them.

3. Don’t ask people to be part of huge life events– It’s already known that it’s a bit tacky to talk endlessly about your wedding or baby or other events on Facebook, considering you don’t want to broadcast a party that most people won’t be invited to. In that same spirit, do not ask people to be part of these events in public. Recently, my husband showed me something that popped up on his Facebook feed, where one girl wrote on another’s wall, asking her to be a bridesmaid, and naming three other women who were already on board. Would you have this conversation in a room of 50 people with everyone listening? Then don’t do it on Facebook.

4. Don’t post disgusting pictures– Pictures of you and your new baby? Awesome. Picture of your new baby covered in its own vomit? Maybe not.

5. Don’t post anything super judgmental- As usual, this is a case of “know your audience,” but posts where you’re judging a large group of people on their actions, or acting really sanctimonious about your own, are just inviting trouble. Even if you think you’re really close to all your Facebook friends, you never know what someone else’s personal life is like, and you may inadvertently be insulting a good friend.

6. Don’t be passive aggressive– It gets really, really tempting to subtweet and hint at some larger drama in your life, and you may think that by avoiding naming names, you can get away with this. But chances are, someone in your feed knows who you’re talking about and will figure it out. Plus, etiquette usually dictates you confront anyone about personal issues directly and as soon as possible, so you’re probably not even letting this problem escalate to the level where you’d need to do this, right?

Don’t worry, there are still plenty of things you can do! For instance, you can post fun or interesting articles, promote yourself, create events or just make a lot of bad jokes. You can actually keep in touch with people and have funny and inane conversations with people you live thousands of miles away from.

Does Pot Have A Place In Weddings?

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At the risk of sounding like a total fucking square, I want to talk about the pot article in the New York Times this weekend. No, not the one where they make a well researched and reasoned argument for the legalization of marijuana. The one where a bunch people consult professionals over what strain of weed to serve at their weddings. While visiting my parents this weekend, I woke up early and found myself reading this article on the porch, trying to stifle my laughs, make sense of the world, and wondering whether I was finally out of touch.

The gist is that, in states where pot has become legal, people are finding ways to incorporate it into their weddings. The ideas range from reasonable (have a box of joints available near the bar for everyone’s use) to slightly ridiculous (naming your tables after different strains, like Grape Ape and Skunk 1–potheads should never name things).  And given that we’ve written about both pot and weddings before, this seems to be right up our alley. So let’s discuss.

As much as I wanted to dismiss this whole thing, if you use the logic of “pot is no worse than alcohol,” a lot of this makes a lot of sense. If it’s legal, and thus gaining social acceptability, why not have a few joints or e-cigarettes available with cocktails? If people are getting their friends to brew them craft beer for their receptions, why not have a friend who grows make you a special strain? “We’ve got to get to the point where smoking is classier than drinking,” said one “budtender” (UGH) in the article, and it’s true that lighting up isn’t quite as sexy as sipping a martini, but it’s not hard to see how it would get there.

However, where I personally draw the line is turning pot from an available item into a “theme.” I feel this way about alcohol “themed” weddings as well. It’s one thing to have an open bar, but quite another to insist that drinking be part of everyone’s experience, and it’s no different with pot. Having pot brownies instead of a cake, or giving away pot plants as favors, suggests that this is more of a mandatory activity.

As with alcohol and liquor licenses, there are also logistics to consider. Unless you’re in a very well ventilated place, you’re encouraging a lot of secondhand smoke (and secondhand highs), and even if you’re outdoors it’s hard not to smell pot. You risk guests going back to states, and jobs, where marijuana isn’t legal, and possibly getting busted on a drug test.

In our recent theme of sobriety, also remember that, like any other drug, pot isn’t for everyone. The article quoted a lot of people saying how relaxed pot makes everyone, how loving and emotional and kind. And that’s true for many people! But it can make others paranoid and quiet and antisocial. Weddings are parties, and your goal at any party is making sure your guests feel comfortable and provided for (without driving yourself crazy or having it turn into something you don’t want). If, for your group of people, that means pot at every table then go for it. Just make sure you’re not going to alienate anyone by making it the focal point of your day.

Also don’t ever catch yourself saying sentences like “The Space Cheese itself lent a giggly buzz to everyone while we rehashed the day’s events.” Potheads! Get better at naming things!