Etiquette for Witches

Photo courtesy of Ellen Pratt

Actual Wiccans have a great rule that “everything you put out into the world will come back to you threefold,” which is actually a really great lesson for etiquette. If you are polite, people will be polite to you. Probably.

However, today is the day before Halloween (and coincidentally, Victoria’s birthday. Jaya’s birthday was yesterday! Happy Birthday to us!) and it is the time for etiquette for Halloween-time witches:

  • Try to keep your black cat from crossing people’s paths.

  • Label your ingredients well so you don’t mix up your eye of newt and toe of frog.

  • Don’t mix your black clothes in with people’s white laundry, it will make the whites dingy.

  • Love spells are emotional manipulation and a big faux pas.

  • Wash your cauldron carefully or your roommate will be pissed when she ends up with batwings in her bouillabaisse.

  • If you keep your house on chicken feet, you will have to send out change of address notices every time you move. What a pain.

  • Take good care of your flying monkeys and they will take good care of you.

  • After riding your broom, why not give the kitchen floor a quick going over?

Etiquette for Dealing with Witches:

  • If you are a virgin, don’t ever light the black flame candle.

  • Always invite them to your wedding and baby’s baptism, it’s the only way to avoid a curse.

  • If you don’t want a witch to ride your horse, braid its mane with corn shucks.

  • Avoid touching a witch’s “Book of Shadows,” or handling their ceremonial dagger.

  • According to a guide book given to the Metropolitan Police, “do not jump to conclusions if you encounter a situation where a blindfolded, naked person is tied by their hands – you could merely have stumbled upon a pagan ritual, where such activities are normal practice.”

  • If you don’t want a witch to bother you, plant 10 pumpkin seeds in the shape of a cross outside her house.

  • If you drop a house on her sister, a witch is likely to get mad at you.

In the comments, please tell us your Halloween costume this year OR your greatest Halloween costume ever.

This year, I am dressing up as a….witch!

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An Etiquette Lesson For My Cat

This is Victoria’s cat Sir Winston Churchill. Feel free to admire him, but know that behind those innocent eyes is a poorly mannered cat. [Photo courtesy of Ellen Pratt]

We both have cats and we adore them. However, sometimes cats can have manners as bad as humans.

  • Trying to scratch someone for simply giving you a hug is rude.

  • Stretching your entire body over the center of the bed means that no one else has any space and you are only a 10 pound cat. Learn to share.

  • Try to vomit on a hardwood or tile floor as they can be cleaned easily, unlike furniture and rugs. Also try to avoid aiming right where your people will be walking, bleary eyed, first thing in the morning.

  • When your housemate is walking, do not walk in front of their legs. They will kick you, and it won’t be a good situation for either party involved.

  • Drink the water in your bowl before demanding it from the bathtub faucet.

  • While eating, try to keep all of your food and water in their respective bowls, instead of mashing everything into a slurry in the surrounding area.

  • 5 am is not an acceptable time to demand breakfast, and biting noses is not the best way to make such a demand.

  • Try to avoid sticking your butt in someone’s face.

  • Really, you want to scratch our record collection? You have a damn scratching post.
  • Maybe you don’t need to constantly meow like you’ve been abandoned on the side of the road when you are in a loving home.

  • Heatwaves are bad times for cuddling.

  • The people who are visiting think you are so beautiful and just want to play, don’t be snobby and ignore them.

What etiquette lesson would you give your cat?