Tag Archives: Etiquette

How to Deal with a Wedding Invitation Snub

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This kitten is sad for you. [Via Flickr user Mourner]

Dear Uncommon Courtesy,

I recently found out that I was not invited to the wedding of someone I had considered a close friend for the past seven years. Knowing that wedding planning is very stressful and tricky, I’m hurt, but understand that there could be any number of reasons for being left off the list. Do you have any advice for avoiding friendship awkwardness in this situation?

Sincerely,

Hoping to Keep Things Smooth

P.S. Just to add, I’m planning to send her a congratulatory card, but any additional advice would be appreciated!

OFFICIAL ETIQUETTE:

Miss Manners strongly promotes the idea of having a less fancy wedding so as to include as many people as possible so as to avoid these kinds of situations. Official etiquette always dictates taking the high road and not expressing anger at a snub like this.

OUR TAKE:

Victoria: So I totally get the hurt- I’ve been mildly disappointed in not being invited to super old friends’ weddings who I definitely wouldn’t expect to be invited to. And I’ve been really thrilled to be invited when it was an old friend I hadn’t seen in YEARS. I think, if it’s someone you see frequently, the best you can do is just smile and hope they don’t talk about it too much.

Jaya: Yeah, it’s rough realizing that you’re maybe not as close as you once were. But that’s also only one possibility, right? Like, maybe this person just has bitchy parents and a small venue?

Victoria: Yeah, there could be a million reasons why they couldn’t invite you. Although, it won’t be much consolation if they’re having 500 people. In that case, maybe re-evaluate how much effort you are putting into the relationship v. what you are getting back.

Jaya: Definitely. A Practical Wedding had some great posts on this, about how friendships are relationships like any other. And even though there’s no cultural narrative about how to end them, they need to be re-evaluated and ended sometimes, just like any other relationship. If she feels like this girl is a super close friend but she didn’t get invited, yeah, take a look at how the friendship has played out.

Victoria: What’s that old romantic relationship advice? Don’t make someone a priority when they are making you an option? I just Googled that.

Jaya: I love that we can just Google sage relationship advice.

Victoria: It sounded way more poetic written in my high school notebooks.

Jaya: But that totally goes for friendships too. And as for how to act, I think sending a congrats card is totally fine, and then maybe stand back and see if this friend steps up post-marriage.

Victoria: Yeah, exactly. The card is above and beyond and very sweet. I personally just like to comment on the photos on FB about how beautiful they look.

Jaya: I mean, I don’t know their relationship, but if this is someone you thought was your BEST friend–like someone you talked to every day, shared everything with, and watched this relationship grow–I think you’d be justified in asking about it?

Victoria: Yeah, that’s a very good point.

Jaya: Maybe not saying “Hey, why the hell wasn’t I invited!?,” but I think it’s a decent catalyst for a conversation about your friendships. Especially if there was no discernible falling out. For instance, if you didn’t invite me to your wedding, and your wedding was a normal-sized, friends-invited affair, I might ask.

Victoria: There’s always the very TINY chance your invite got lost.

Jaya: True, but you probably would have gotten a phone call about an RSVP.

Victoria: Yeah, you’d have to be very sure. Maybe if the bride was talking to you this whole time as if you were invited, you could ask about that.

Jaya: If you feel like your relationship was close enough, you can maybe ask about it. But “closeness” is so subjective, and you have to be prepared for the option that this person didn’t consider you as close.

Victoria: I think this also might be a good time to remind brides and grooms that their wedding is still a party and maybe you shouldn’t be sharing all the details with your coworkers/acquaintances if you don’t want to invite them.

Jaya: Yessssss. I’m trying to be pretty aware of that with planning my wedding, but it’s so hard sometimes.

Victoria: Part of that is that people do like to hear these details, even if they know they’re not invited.

Jaya: Totally. I try not to put anything on facebook, because there are definitely people I’m not as good friends with who maybe think we still are? I hide behind Facebook a lot

Victoria: We all do.

Thank Goodness We Don’t Have to Do That Anymore: Shivaree

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This isn’t really a shivaree [Via Flickr user greenmelinda]

Shivaree (charivari) is a practice in which people serenade a newly wedded couple in a cacophonous manner by yelling and banging pots and pans outside their window in the middle of the night.

The traditional European custom of charivari (shivaree is the common American spelling) was a way to punish those who had married against the community’s wishes- older men marrying too young women, new widow/ers getting married too soon, etc.

As the custom migrated to America, it became more celebratory than punitive, though sometimes it was considered a minor hazing for those who had gone against the norm in their marriage. Often it was a bawdy celebration, designed to interrupt the consummation of the marriage. Like trick or treaters, the revelers wouldn’t leave until offered some kind of refreshment.

I first encountered the custom in one of the Little House on Rocky Ridge books- the sequel series to Little House on the Prairie about Laura Ingalls Wilder’s daughter Rose. In the book, one of their farmhands gets married and that night all the neighbors go to the newlywed’s house and bang on pots and pans until the couple comes out and gives them snacks.

Shivarees mostly took place in the early to mid 1800’s and mostly in small, rural communities. I have, however, found records of the practice continuing in Canada well into the 1970’s. By that point, the practice was used to make a new bride feel welcome to the neighborhood if she had come from far away. Sometimes it was used  as a “reception” if there hadn’t been one for the wedding.

The expectation that the couple have enough food for the revelers was part of the gendered expectation of a wife to have refreshments ready at a moment’s notice for all who might drop by- definitely a less festive aspect of the custom.

Sometimes the shivareers would play pranks on the couple instead of making noise- filling their drawers with rice for example.

There is some evidence that the custom has evolved into the practice of kidnapping the bride at the reception and making the groom pay to get her back. Though I think that this custom is completely different and comes from a different ethnic tradition entirely. The pranking custom is still common among some social groups, I believe (did anyone have pranks played on them on their wedding night or while they were on their honeymoon? Tell me in the comments!). You would think that tying cans and shoes to the “get away” car would be part of this, but that comes from a more superstitious tradition of scaring away evil spirits.

So tell me, who else has heard of a shivaree??

Salutations in an E-Mail

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That’s Mr. Fancy Painted Alligator to you. [Via Flickr user planeta]

Dear Uncommon Courtesy,

I work at a job where I email a horde of people from different fields and professions: from professors to ambassadors to CEO’s to journalists, etc. I’ve got basic professional email language down, what gets me is the salutation. I know there’s a movement to get rid of the salutations and signature, but that doesn’t quite work for formal professional correspondence. Obviously you start off with the most honorific/formal, but then it changes based on their response/signature, right? I think rule of thumb says to reply back using how they sign off (Sarah, Professor Higgenbottom, Admiral McGee), but how do you handle it if they sign off with their full name? Do you revert to the more formal form again? Do you use the full name? (that sounds awkward). Do you refer to a former ambassador still as “Ambassador” or is it “Sir”? It’s a little thing that trips me up every so often.

Thanks,

Too Many Names

Official Etiquette:

“Dear Mr. / Madam Ambassador:” is the correct opening for a letter/email. We don’t see anything about a former ambassador, but we would guess they revert back to Mr/Ms. Professors should be addressed as Dr. if they hold a doctorate, though Professor is fine if you aren’t sure. We couldn’t find anything about when to drop formal titles, but following the lead of the professionally superior person is always a good rule of thumb.

Our Take:

Jaya: Alright, so, this is, like, a million questions.

Victoria: Like she says, the basic rule of thumb is that you follow their lead in however they sign off.  But I think what happens a lot is people automatically write their first and last name.

Jaya: Yeah, I do think it serves as a signature.

Victoria: But then, maybe in subsequent emails they will just be like -John or whatever. And that allows you to use their first name.

Jaya: So yesterday, I was emailing with a former volunteer here and I responded with just her first name, because in the last email she wrote “Dear Jaya” and not “Dear Ms. Saxena.”

Victoria: Right yeah, if they are calling you by your first name right away, you can probably do so too. Usually you are working together and not in a superior/inferior relationship anyway, so it seems strange, to me, to use Mr/Ms for too long. I’ve tried to drop it, personally, as it makes me feel very young. I think in my first couple of experiences with grown up work, I tried calling people Mr/Ms (in actual conversation) and figured out how weird that was very quickly.

Jaya: Yeah. I think if they have a title, continue to use their title. But if it’s a superior/normal person, hopefully they’ll respond with a first name

Victoria: Yeah, I definitely don’t think you should revert to a more formal title if you’ve already used an informal one.

Jaya: Totally not. But yeah, if someone signs Franklin Higglebottom, I think you can do “Mr. Higglebottom,” or “Franklin,” depending on how they’ve addressed you.

Victoria: Right. I definitely think you shouldn’t address someone by their full name. Saying Dear Mr. Franklin Higglebottom sounds like spam.

Jaya: What if…you don’t know if it’s a man or a woman? This happens to me all the time. I’m constantly Mr. Saxena.

Victoria: Awww. I think for many people, you would be able to look that up? Google their name- ambassadors should be pretty high profile and professors and such (for this PARTICULAR reader).

Jaya: Oh yeah I mean, those people you can Google. I meant like, random colleagues you’ve never met but who you need to email. Or if you’re applying to a job, something like that.

Victoria: In that case i might just use their first name. Once, I was applying for an internship and the person’s name was Stephan, but some how I read it as Stephanie, so that’s how I addressed him. I got the internship anyway.

Jaya: Hahahahaha. Did you apologize or acknowledge your mistake?

Victoria: Nope. I think people are generally pretty cool with this kind of thing

Jaya: Usually. Though I need to be less forgiving when people call me “Jay.” I wrote my name in the past email guys you should know it. “Jaya” is not a typo of “Jay.”

Victoria: Hahah yeah, that’s totally different. Sometimes I get addressed as Ms Pratt and sometimes Victoria in emails and I don’t really care. I do get a weird buzz when someone calls me Ms Pratt because I do not entirely feel like a grown up yet.

Jaya: Hahahaha, adulthood buzz.

Victoria: It’s like, ohhh they are emailing me and thus they don’t really KNOW that I am an imposter.

Jaya: They don’t really know that I’m actually a 7 year old with my mom’s iPhone, muahahahahaha.

Victoria: You have a remarkably good grasp of etiquette for a 7 year old.

Jaya: Hahahahaha. I think mainly, do your best to follow their lead, and be forgiving if someone messes up but is still obviously trying  I mean if they keep misspelling your name or saying “sup lady” when you’re the Queen, that’s a problem. But if someone calls you Victoria instead of Ms. Pratt it should really be fine.

Victoria: Totally. And, like, yeah, if you are emailing an ambassador or the president or something, err on the side of formal. But if it’s a random professor, if they get all upset about how you address them, then they are the jerk. I also think that you can drop all salutations within a couple of emails, especially if you are just writing a sentence or two.

An Etiquette Lesson For My Cat

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This is Victoria’s cat Sir Winston Churchill. Feel free to admire him, but know that behind those innocent eyes is a poorly mannered cat. [Photo courtesy of Ellen Pratt]

We both have cats and we adore them. However, sometimes cats can have manners as bad as humans.

  • Trying to scratch someone for simply giving you a hug is rude.

  • Stretching your entire body over the center of the bed means that no one else has any space and you are only a 10 pound cat. Learn to share.

  • Try to vomit on a hardwood or tile floor as they can be cleaned easily, unlike furniture and rugs. Also try to avoid aiming right where your people will be walking, bleary eyed, first thing in the morning.

  • When your housemate is walking, do not walk in front of their legs. They will kick you, and it won’t be a good situation for either party involved.

  • Drink the water in your bowl before demanding it from the bathtub faucet.

  • While eating, try to keep all of your food and water in their respective bowls, instead of mashing everything into a slurry in the surrounding area.

  • 5 am is not an acceptable time to demand breakfast, and biting noses is not the best way to make such a demand.

  • Try to avoid sticking your butt in someone’s face.

  • Really, you want to scratch our record collection? You have a damn scratching post.

  • Maybe you don’t need to constantly meow like you’ve been abandoned on the side of the road when you are in a loving home.

  • Heatwaves are bad times for cuddling.

  • The people who are visiting think you are so beautiful and just want to play, don’t be snobby and ignore them.

What etiquette lesson would you give your cat?

Let’s Talk About The Magic Words

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AHHHHHHHHHHHH

AHHHHHHHHHHHH

Most people are pretty good at these. Our parents drilled them into our heads as toddlers. They are so ingrained that they barely rate a mention in most etiquette books.

I think that thank you is the most ubiquitous. When I travel, I always make sure to learn how to say hello and thank you in any foreign language, because they pretty much cover most situations and make you sound polite. It’s also the most meaningful of the “magic” phrases. I am thanking you for something. To an extent, I think it has replaced please in a lot of situations. Instead of saying “could you do this, please?” a lot of us will say “could you do this, thanks!” How often have you signed off on an email request with “thanks!” at the end? I think this does add a nice casualness to a request and makes an email seem friendlier.

I was thinking that I almost never say please, but then I do catch myself doing it a lot at work and in situations like ordering at restaurants and other times where I want to be ultra polite. Nowadays, please seems to have taken this passive-aggressive tone, as if you should already be doing the thing this person is asking you to do. Maybe that’s because my mom always made sure “Could you please do the dishes?” sound like a command, not a polite request. Do you say please a lot? When do you use it most?

You’re welcome has fallen off the map a bit in favor of a breezy “no problem!” or “sure!” These are fine, I think, as they do convey your acknowledgement of a thanks, but a stickler for etiquette would say that by brushing off whatever someone is thanking you for, you are diminishing your own actions as unimportant. I struggle with this one a lot and have been trying to make more of an effort to say you’re welcome, but I catch myself throwing out “no problem!”s quite a bit still.

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