Oh My God Don’t Complain To The Hosts Of A Party You’re Currently At

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As we’ve established, planning a party is hard. No, it’s not hard to say BYOB and order a few pizzas, but when it comes to any parties larger than that–dinner parties, holiday parties, weddings–there are a lot of moving pieces. There are guest lists and menus and seating arrangements and invitations and possibly staff, all weighed against the ultimate stress of any party: money. So every party, generally, is a balance of all those things. It’s an experience that makes the most people possible happy without the hosts going broke.

This means that, sometimes, there are minor disappointments, though I hesitate to call them that because no reasonable person would be disappointed. If there’s only beer and wine instead of a full liquor bar? Fine! One dessert instead of a dessert buffet? Whatever! Plastic cups instead of glass ones? What is your life that this is even registering as a problem?!

Which brings me to an incredibly unreasonable person I encountered at a recent wedding. The wedding was beautiful, and featured heavy passed appetizers and a buffet with many, many options. There were plentiful tables, couches and bar tops, though apparently the deal was that, while there were enough surfaces for everyone to eat at, some people were to be left standing. Again, just fine! You take 20 minutes to eat on a bar top and sit on a bench later and everyone has a grand time. Well, that wasn’t the case for one guest, who I overheard on line for the amazing mac & cheese. She would not stop talking about how there weren’t enough chairs. As if that weren’t bad enough, the father of the groom came over and joked about cutting the line for food (as he is the father of the groom). She said no, because they were mad at him that there weren’t enough chairs. He looked incredibly apologetic and sort of slinked away.

You can probably tell I was horrified. It’s fine to privately notice, and maybe even complain to a close friend, that you wish things were one way and they are in fact another. We do this every day. But let’s just make it clear that a situation like this is no one’s fault. Nothing was done wrong. Things were just one way and this woman didn’t like that. Recognizing that herself is one thing, but complaining to the host is entirely another. Just…just don’t do this? Okay? Good.

Some Phrases To Avoid When Making An Apology (And What To Say Instead)

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We’ve already covered the importance of an apology. That’s not exactly a controversial stance. We all recognize apologizing is a good skill! However, in my opinion, a bad apology is almost as bad as none at all, and boy are there a lot of people giving bad apologies. I’ve noticed a few phrases that are commonly used in apologies, but that don’t really do much to convey you’re actually sorry. Here are some to avoid:

  • “I didn’t do something to upset you, did I?” This and variations of this phrasing presumes the asker did nothing wrong, and puts the askee in an accusatory position. Either they have to say “no, it’s fine” (and anyone who is bad at confrontation knows how easy it is to say it’s fine when it’s not) or do the hard job of spelling out exactly why they are upset. It would be great if everyone was better at that, but most of us don’t like being so explicit because we don’t want to hurt feelings. So if you did something wrong and notice you upset someone, own up to it. Say “I’m sorry I upset you” or “What I said was disrespectful and I apologize,” or something equally explicit. And if you genuinely don’t know what you did, admit you don’t know and ask why.
  • “I’m sorry you’re offended/if it came off that way.” Phrasing like this is what you see every time a celebrity offers a half-hearted apologetic press release after telling a racist joke, and it’s easy to see right through it. It conveys you’re not actually sorry about what you said or did, just that someone else reacted badly to it. Misinterpretations happen, but not nearly as often as this phrase is utilized. Instead, apologize for the actual action, like “I’m sorry I said [X], I understand now how offensive it is.”
  • “I didn’t mean it like that.” This is a tricky one. Sometimes an explanation as to why you did the thing you’re apologizing for is necessary, and it’ll turn out to have all been a misunderstanding. But often explaining why you did or said something that upset someone just makes it seem like you’re trying to avoid blame. It doesn’t matter whether you meant to be mean or whether you thought you were being funny if what you said hurt someone. Instead, elaborate on that initial phrase by saying something like “I didn’t mean it, but I know that’s no excuse, and I’m genuinely sorry I upset you.”
  • Apologizing when you’re not sorry. Maybe you’re not actually sorry for what you did, and are only apologizing to try to smooth things over. The point of an apology is that you mean it, so just saying “sorry” when you’re not isn’t worth it to anyone. Instead, try to see if there’s a way to smooth things over in a way that doesn’t involve an apology. Did you get into a fight about politics? Say “I know we may not agree on this issue, but I want you to know I still care for you and respect you, and I’ll try not to bring it up again.” Is someone trying to make you apologize for something you don’t feel sorry for? Say “I don’t believe I’ve done anything wrong, but I want to understand why you’re upset.”
  • “Am I forgiven now?” Apologies are not transactional. You do not give one for immediate absolution, you give one for the benefit of the aggrieved party. Asking whether or not you’re forgiven forces the hand of the person you’re asking, because let’s face it, saying “no, you’re not forgiven yet” sounds mean. Instead, well, don’t say anything. If you’ve apologized you’ve done what you can, and it’s up to the person you hurt to decide if and when you’re on good terms again.

Portlandia’s Coffee Shop Manifesto Episode

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You know, usually Portlandia’s jokes are a major exaggeration of reality (obviously this is the point of the show!), but in one particular episode they hit the nail right on the head- the coffee shop manifesto. Now of course, baristas are not getting together in a dramatically lit room to yell about etiquette rules for coffee shops. But maybe they should and everyone would behave better. Here is what they came up with (they only get through a couple in the dialogue and the rest is posted by the counter later:

1. Cell phones are not to be used or the coffee will be abused.
2. Unattended children will be given an espresso and a puppy.
3. Know what you want before approaching the counter, no questions should be asked. (Ed: This is especially timely as I had to wait several minutes to make my Friday doughnut purchase at my super bougie doughnut place this week because a pair of tourists had to ask the counter person about EVERY.SINGLE.FLAVOR. of doughnut and what they personally recommended. Yes, first world problems, I know.)
4. The coffee is never too hot. You spilled, get over it.
5. Whipped cream is for kids. Foam is for adults.
6. Take your headphones off when ordering.
7. Don’t ask me what’s playing right now. We are a coffee shop, not a record store.
8. Do not ask me what’s good. It’s all good.
9. It’s espresso, not expresso.
10. I don’t know what the WiFi password is. Don’t ask.
11. Open your mouth! Also shut up! Get out!
12. [unclear]
13. Bus your own table. We are not a restaurant.
14. This is not a hangout shut your mouth.
15. [unclear]

Check out the scene for yourself!

To love, to cherish, and to obey?

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In pretty much every movie for my whole life, when a couple is getting married, the bride makes a BIG DEAL out of not wanting to say “obey” as part of the marriage vows. Which, yeah, duh. But is it really as big an issue as Hollywood makes it seem? Not really…

For the record, I am going to focus on Christian marriage vows because as far as I know, other religions don’t have a tradition of using it.

Firstly, to my great surprise, the Catholic church has NEVER had the word “obey” as part of their vows of marriage. Their wording goes like this:

I, ____, take you, ____, to be my (husband/wife). I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honour you all the days of my life.

The usage of “obey” actually comes from the Anglican church, as the vows included “obey” in the very first Book of Common Prayer written in 1549:

Wilt thou have this man to thy wedded houseband, to live together after Goddes ordeinaunce, in the holy estate of matrimonie? Wilt thou obey him, and serve him, love, honor, and kepe him in sickenes and in health? And forsaking al other kepe thee onely to him, so long as you bothe shall live?

Which eventually became:

Bride: I,_____, take thee,_____, to be my wedded Husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, cherish, and to obey, till death us do part, according to God’s holy ordinance; and thereto I give thee my troth.

Many other Protestant denominations, such as Lutherans, cribbed from this in America as immigrants came over and changed their services over from their native tongues.

HOWEVER, the Anglican and Episcopal churches voted in 1922 to remove “obey” from the vows, so honestly, at least 4-5 generations of women have not been instructed to use “obey” in their vows, making much of our cultural rage about the subject a bit of a tempest in a tea pot. And especially now when people are increasingly having civil wedding ceremonies and writing their own vows, there is significantly less pressure to even use traditional vows, let alone obsolete ones that include “obey.” Of course, this excludes the ultra religious nutters who have started to ADD obey into wedding vows that normally wouldn’t include them just so they can show that they are going be a submissive wife…but that’s a whole other situation.

What about your experiences? Did you, your mother, or grandmother say “obey” at her wedding? Did you even use traditional vow wording or did you write your own?

Some Things I Learned About WWII Etiquette

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I’m horribly late to the party with regards to the BBC Show The Supersizers Go, but if you haven’t checked it out (which, if you’re in America, you might not have), I highly recommend it. Giles Coren and Sue Perkins (who you might recognize from GBBO fame) spend a week at a time eating and living as if they were in different eras of British history, and recording the results. Often they get close to getting gout.

The last episode I watched they put themselves in the shoes of a middle class family in WWII. According to the show, 60% of the UK’s food was imported before the war, so citizens were subject to strict rationing. And with rations came some new rules about food etiquette.

Most of it had to do with waste. It was extremely frowned upon, and in some cases legally punishable, to waste food. Both in the US and the UK, the government encouraged people to be thoughtful about consumption. Posters like these from the US Navy remind citizens “When you take more than you can eat you cheat your buddies in the fleet!”

In the UK, there were also etiquette suggestions regarding getting used to new diets. “Don’t tell the family what the dish is made from until they have tasted–and liked–it” said the government. You were also not to moan about the food you couldn’t get, but instead praise your food in advance of serving it to basically convince everyone it wasn’t so bad.

WWII was also the first time many servicemen had ever left the country, and thus they had to be taught how to conduct themselves with people of other cultures (or sometimes manners that they should have had already). Americans were taught to remove their shoes in Japanese homes, and were given this book of manners for life in Britain. Tips included to never make fun of royalty, never rub it in that the American GIs make more than the Brits do, and “Don’t criticize the food, beer or cigarettes to the British. Remember they have been at war since 1939.”