Category Archives: How To

Grape Eating Etiquette

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Okay, so this is a rather fussy bit of etiquette, but when you are eating grapes in company (do whatever the hell you want when you are home alone, I always say), it is better to remove a clump of grapes from the communal bunch and eat those rather than picking the grapes one by one off the bunch. It’s one of those things that just looks neater.

But getting a clump of grapes off the bunch can be so hard, you say. That’s true, but that’s why we have sharp things such as scissors and knives. If you are really fancy, you can buy special grape scissors for just this purpose.

I should also note that if you are eating grapes with seeds, you should put the whole thing in your mouth, eat the grape-y part, and then extract the seed with your thumb and first finger and put it on your plate. No spitting!

How To Act If You’re In A Bollywood Movie

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I’ve been watching a lot of Bollywood recently, which I highly suggest you do. It is an art form that fully appreciates the magic of the moving image. We have this incredible technology, so why waste it on making quiet, dark little art film? Make it three hours of dancing and 5 different plots! Anyway, should you find yourself in the middle of a ridiculous Bollywood romp, you’d do well to remember these etiquette tips.

  • Do your best to be a beautiful, young widow.
  • Only kiss if you are married or, if you’re a bit more modern, if you are soon to be married. If you need to flirt, do so by dancing around trees.
  • You can be as feisty of a woman as you want, as long as you know how to cook halwa.
  • If someone is chasing you through the narrow streets of a small village, be sure to knock over as many fruit stands as possible.
  • Always weave through traffic on your motor scooter.
  • Chai smoothes over every social interaction.
  • If you’re not sure who the shrill, judgmental Auntie in your social circle is, it’s you.
  • Men need not wear shirts if they are wearing leather jackets.
  • Keep checking on the identities of those around you, because in all likelihood somebody is lying about who they are.
  • Respect your elders.

You Catch More Flies With Honey Than With Vinegar

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Often, when interacting with other people in a situation where you feel wronged, it is easy to get upset and start shouting or otherwise behaving rudely. Of course, it can be frustrating to have a store employee enforce a policy that was never in effect before, or maybe they usually do a specific thing for you and this time they won’t. Shouting and getting angry is absolutely not going to improve the situation. The ONLY way to possibly turn it in your favor is to be very calm and polite (and often, be willing to accept that you aren’t going to get what you want.)

For example, did you know that, according to the agreements they sign with credit card companies, stores are not allowed to require you to show your ID when using a credit card? They can ask, but you can refuse and they still have to accept it. However, many of the employees of these stores are not aware of this. They have just been told that customers have to show ID as per store policy. So if you REALLY care about not showing your ID, you need to calmly explain why you don’t have to show your ID rather than jumping right into yelling and name calling. Heck, print out something from the internet that explains it to give to the cashier and carry it in your bag to hand out. Or do better and write a letter to management asking them to educate their employees.

Have you ever yelled at a retail store employee? Do you feel bad about it? Did you witness it and still cringe? Tell me in the comments.

Curb Your Dog

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If I had this beautiful doggie, I would teach it to pee in the street. [Via Wikimedia Common]

If I had this beautiful doggie, I would teach it to pee in the street. [Via Wikimedia Common]

I didn’t grow up with a dog, so it took me years and years to figure out what “curb your dog” meant. It’s such an awkward phrase that I’m sure it takes a lot of people a long time to figure it out. It simply means to direct your dog to do it’s business in the street, over the curb, as it were.

There are a lot of reasons for this- often dogs with go on people’s lawns or flower beds and this can kill the plants. Or, as my stoop in Brooklyn can attest, urine can actually make paint peel if many dogs are going on the same spot. And if you live in an area with a lot of dogs, you’ll probably notice the fingerpaint-like streaks of feces on the sidewalk since oftentimes the owner can’t get all of it up into the bag. When the dog uses the gutter, it minimizes the damages to plants and the cleanliness of the area.

Obviously this is one of those things where you just need to do your best most of the time, but it really will make a big difference.

Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates

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SeesToday is my birthday, and honestly, my ideal birthday present is a pound of Sees chocolates with a custom assortment of my favorites, all for me!

It turns out that there is actually etiquette for chocolate boxes if you are inclined to share them (I am not inclined)

  • Don’t poke holes in the bottoms of the chocolates so you can see what the flavor is (apparently this a thing people do. I have heard about it. These people are MONSTERS.)
  • Obviously, also don’t bite into a chocolate and then PUT IT BACK if you don’t like it.
  • The little frilly papers. These are a problem. Generally, I will say that you should take the frilly paper when you take the chocolate and throw it away. HOWEVER, with boxes of chocolates that have a little map on the bottom telling you what the flavors are, it is apparently better to leave the wrappers in place so you don’t mess up the placement of the chocolates.
  • When a box is passed around for sharing, don’t take too much time to deliberate. Just chose a chocolate and move the box on to the next person.

What are your favorite kinds of chocolates?