How To Act If You’re In A Bollywood Movie

I’ve been watching a lot of Bollywood recently, which I highly suggest you do. It is an art form that fully appreciates the magic of the moving image. We have this incredible technology, so why waste it on making quiet, dark little art film? Make it three hours of dancing and 5 different plots! Anyway, should you find yourself in the middle of a ridiculous Bollywood romp, you’d do well to remember these etiquette tips.

  • Do your best to be a beautiful, young widow.
  • Only kiss if you are married or, if you’re a bit more modern, if you are soon to be married. If you need to flirt, do so by dancing around trees.
  • You can be as feisty of a woman as you want, as long as you know how to cook halwa.
  • If someone is chasing you through the narrow streets of a small village, be sure to knock over as many fruit stands as possible.
  • Always weave through traffic on your motor scooter.
  • Chai smoothes over every social interaction.
  • If you’re not sure who the shrill, judgmental Auntie in your social circle is, it’s you.
  • Men need not wear shirts if they are wearing leather jackets.
  • Keep checking on the identities of those around you, because in all likelihood somebody is lying about who they are.
  • Respect your elders.
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