Category Archives: How To

How To Throw A Polite Wedding On The Cheap, Pt. 1

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A backyard tiki wedding sounds AWESOME

A backyard tiki wedding sounds AWESOME [Via]

Dispatches from wedding world have been getting a little crazy. People are getting their weddings corporately sponsored. They’re asking guests to pay for their dinners, or putting bank transfer details on invitations. They’re yelling at guests for not giving them enough money. It’s nonsense, but it’s an unfortunate symptom of an industry that tends to conflate “fancy” with “polite.”

We are taught that providing the MOST at a party is the nicest thing you can do, so couples want to provide the MOST at their weddings, and when they realize that it gets expensive quickly, they decide that they should pass the costs onto guests…completely forgetting that whole “hosting” thing.

The bottom line is your wedding is about making whoever is invited feel welcome and thanked. This doesn’t mean you have to invite 200 people. This doesn’t mean you have to serve a sit-down dinner or have a top-shelf bar. This doesn’t mean you have to give everyone elaborate favors. You just have to make people feel welcome, and that is easier than you may think.

Recently, The Daily Mail outlined some ways couples are trying to scrimp and save on their weddings (though it doesn’t really cite anything). We discussed a few of them.

Asking Guests To Cover Their Meal

Jaya: “Bank details are often printed at the bottom of the invitation so you can pay for the meal in advance.” faints

Victoria: Okay! This is a Europe vs America thing- Europeans don’t use checks ever at all, they do everything through direct transfers. So basically its the same as expecting someone to send a check. Still tacky, obvs, but it’s the request for money, not the bank details.

Jaya: Still, the idea of putting any request besides for RSVP on an invitation! The only time I can think of it being okay to ask for wedding guests to pay for their own dinner is if you get a courthouse marriage and just ask everyone to join you at a restaurant after, where it is 100% clear you are not actually hosting, you’re just asking people to meet you for dinner.

Victoria: Do not ask anyone to pay for any part of a party you are hosting is my firm line. I mean, you can ask your parents but not guests.

Returning Registry Gifts For Money

Victoria: I think the argument there is that it’s disingenuous to act like you want all that stuff and never ever have any intention of actually keeping it.

Jaya: Yes. You don’t have to make a registry, or put a million things on it. If you just want cash, don’t make a registry and you’ll probably get cash.

Victoria: And then you can cash in all those toasters you do get with a free conscience.

Jaya: Exactly. Once you give a gift, it’s not up to you to judge how the person uses it (or returns it).

Email Invitations

Jaya: I see no problem with this.

Victoria: Yeah, I don’t reaaaaallly care about email invitations. I care a little, but not much.

Jaya:  The only time I can see it being an issue is if most people don’t use email, because then it’s not even functional. But if you’re not a sentimental person, and just want to get the information out, this is just fine. Go for it.

Victoria: Right, but that’s a different thing. it’s something I would raise my eyebrows at stylistically (similar to heavily themed weddings), but everyone has the right to do it as long as they aren’t also being rude. It’s more a matter of personal taste than etiquette.

“One of the newest tricks is covertly providing champagne for the wedding party – the bride and groom, bridesmaids and best man – but no one else.”

Jaya: Serving only champagne to the bride and groom and family and not everyone else seems weird, but then they mention the bride and groom getting top shelf champagne and serving everyone else something cheap. That just seems overly complicated.

Victoria: Yesss also, just obnoxious. Just get everyone the same stuff!!!

Jaya: Or just don’t serve champagne! I know the champagne toast is seen as this classic thing, but you can do it with wine.

Selling Your Wedding Supplies

Victoria: This is just SMART.

Jaya: Yes! So many wedding websites have little marketplaces for your excess candles and chair covers and whatnot, because you will probably never use them again.

Asking Friends For Help

Jaya: I think this heavily depends on who you’re asking and what you’re asking them to do. It’s totally acceptable, but there’s a line between asking people for help and asking them to become your employees for the day.

Victoria: And it depends on their tolerance for it. I think it’s a very “know your audience” sort of thing, though there are some things I think are never really okay- like making them clean up the whole reception afterwards, except in possibly very special circumstances.

Jaya: Yes. I think my personal line is making guests do any sort of work during the actual wedding or immediately after. Setup, sure. Asking friends to help with crafts in the months leading up, totally. But once you’re in party mode I think it’s really rude to ask people to remove themselves so they can break down tables. Also, you shouldn’t plan the wedding under the assumption that you’ll get this help. Like, be ready to make every one of those streamers yourselves if none of your friends want to spend a night crafting with you.

Uninvitations: “Brides who want to let would-be guests down gently send out Non-Invitations, which are meant to be a polite way of letting people know they haven’t made the cut.”

Jaya: Jesus fucking christ.

Victoria: It’s so unnecessary and potentially hurtful! People will know they are not invited if they do not receive an invitation!

Jaya: Yes! Also you do not owe anyone an explanation for this sort of stuff! Oh my god this is just too much.

 

And there you have it! Next up, we’ll be discussing some more ways you can save money while still having a beautiful and polite wedding.

Small Talk That Doesn’t Sound Like Nonsense

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Old movies often have great examples of small talk.

If you haven’t read “How to be Polite” by Paul Ford, please do so immediately because it is lovely. What struck me was this paragraph:

Here’s a polite person’s trick, one that has never failed me. I will share it with you because I like and respect you, and it is clear to me that you’ll know how to apply it wisely: When you are at a party and are thrust into conversation with someone, see how long you can hold off before talking about what they do for a living. And when that painful lull arrives, be the master of it. I have come to revel in that agonizing first pause, because I know that I can push a conversation through. Just ask the other person what they do, and right after they tell you, say: “Wow. That sounds hard.”

Which is really good advice and got me thinking about small talk. Small talk is a really important skill because it helps to make everyone comfortable in a situation where either the conversers don’t know each other well or you are somewhere where you need to watch what you talk about. As fun as it is to talk about sex and politics, it’s not always appropriate, which is where small talk comes in. Small talk also allows you to get to know someone so that you can then get to all the deeper fun conversations (or you can always follow my example and get really drunk and overshare- boom you are best friends!)

Talking about the weather gets a bad rap, but honestly, it’s something we all have in common, it’s easy to talk about, and with climate change, there is always something new and exciting going on.

A good way to build a chit-chatty conversation is to find something you have in common- usually something about the event or the place you are at. Then make a comment about how you relate to that commonality. Then ask them a question about the commonality and them. Then try to ask more questions and give more comments about yourself, trying to keep the questions and comments balanced so you don’t overwhelm someone with questions or bore them by talking about yourself. Extra credit: if someone walks up to you during this chitty chatty exchange, bring them in! Tell them what you are talking about! Ask their opinion! Talk for a few minutes then excuse yourself and go talk to someone else. This is called “mingling.”

Small talk is hard! It takes practice, so don’t be hard on yourself if you aren’t good at it. When I was a pre-teen, my mom actually got a bee in her bonnet about small talk and she would take me out to dinner and be like “okay, now give me some small talk.” I was so bad at it that I would be absolutely silent in the car over because I had to save up all the interesting news from my day to talk about over dinner! Jaya thinks this is bananas, btw, but it really did help. I didn’t get REALLY comfortable with it until going through sorority rush for a couple of years- as a chapter, we would actually practice having conversations for HOURS so that we didn’t sound awkward or weird to potential recruits. Then I got REALLY comfortable with it when I started going on a million first dates via OkCupid and had the same conversation a hundred times.

So practice on a friend! Practice in a mirror! Go out for drinks with strangers from the internet! Because when you have it, you can talk to anyone and make everyone comfortable and  they will call you charming.

Speaking of making small talk! Come make small talk with us at our One Year Uncommon Courtesy Anniversary Party! Saturday, September 13 at Otto’s Shrunken Head, New York City. 7pmish. Add yourself to our Facebook event.

How To Grocery Shop Without Going Crazy

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Don’t smash cans on the ground

Do you like grocery shopping? I love it. I could go down every aisle a million times and look at how they’re organized, and find new things to cook with, or weird candy bars I’ve never seen before. However, I also realize mine is not the majority opinion. (I also prefer narrow, overcrowded grocery stores. The ones with the big aisles and bright lights in the suburbs give me the creeps.) For a lot of people, grocery shopping can be a hassle, in large part because you have to deal with so many other people parking and shopping and waiting on line. It’s like a people factorial, and I totally understand how it can be horrifying. So let’s talk about a few proactive ways you can make your grocery shopping experience all the better.

  • Don’t block the aisle with your cart. This can be tricky sometimes if the aisles are really narrow, but in that case just be vigilant. Stay near your cart and if you see someone is trying to get past, move. Also don’t just leave your cart in the middle of an aisle while you shop elsewhere. Maybe those people who put razor blades in candy apples on Halloween are in the store and just did that to your dinner supplies.
  • Don’t leave unwanted groceries all around the store. Ok, I’ve totally done this, but you shouldn’t. If you picked up some chicken and decide you don’t want it, don’t sneak it into the peanut butter section and pretend no one will notice. However, no one cares if you put the Cheerios back in front of the Chex. It’s the little things, right?
  • Ask where lines begin and end, not just at checkout. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been waiting at the deli counter only to have someone come in on the other side and assume they’re next. Cool it, lady, I need lunchmeat.
  • Keep an eye on your kids. Does your grocery store have one of those carts with the fake car in front for kids to sit in? Good. Use it. No one wants to accidentally run their overflowing cart into a wayward toddler. If not just make sure they’re close and not ripping through snack boxes.
  • Figure out if you need to bag your own groceries. We’ve covered this already, but figure out how to quickly and efficiently get through the checkout line.
  • Don’t take too many items into the express line. More from us on this soon, but be reasonable if you have one or two things over the limit or if there is a long line in the express line already.

What To Wear To That Funeral

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Only wear outfits like these if you're going to a fashion designer's funeral

Only wear outfits like these if you’re going to a fashion designer’s funeral

It’s an unfortunate fact that, as we get older, we start attending more and more funerals and memorial services. It’s also unfortunate (or maybe fortunate) that, for all the talk we have about weddings and baby showers and bar mitzvahs, no one spends a lot of time talking about how to conduct yourself at one of these things. For instance, when Victoria and I discussed what to wear, I said the only guidance I was given was “wear black,” while she said her mom told her not to wear black to the one funeral she has attended. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

We don’t seem to be the only ones who are confused. Over at Etiquette Hell, this woman writes that she was chastised for wearing a black, sleeveless dress and a hat with a mini-veil to a wedding, and the commenters seem to be completely divided over the issue of what she wore. So where does this leave us? Here are some tips on what to consider when picking out an outfit for a funeral.

1. Where is it? – If the funeral services are being held in a place of worship, you’re more likely to find a more conservative dress code. In the Etiquette Hell link, but the woman was told that her outfit was inappropriate for the grieving family’s “faith and culture,” though it’s unclear what those are. But keep in mind that if you’re in a place of worship, your shoulders and knees will most likely need to be covered. For men, a black suit will do you just fine. For women, if you can’t find a dark-colored dress with sleeves (or it’s too hot to wear one), invest in simple jacket or shawl.

2. Who is it for?– Victoria said that, traditionally, wearing all black connotes “strong mourning,” and is most appropriate for the immediate family of the deceased. This isn’t to say that if you have a black dress you can’t wear it, just that you don’t need to be stressing yourself out if all you have on hand is something in dark blue. It’s better to wear a muted colored dress or suit than to show up in leggings and a baggy sweater because those are the two black things you happen to own. Traditionally, veils are reserved for the spouse/parents/children of the deceased, so if you decide to wear a hat make sure it doesn’t include one. Of course, this depends on your culture and traditions, so use your best judgment. The problem with wearing something “showy” like a hat with a veil is that it draws attention to you and away from the deceased and their immediate family, especially when people don’t really wear hats anymore. Like a wedding, you should absolutely avoid wearing anything that draws particular attention to yourself (unless you are the immediate family.)

3. Think conservative– A sleeved, long-ish black dress is great. A black satin dress with an open back is not. Try to keep jewelry, super-bright colors, and overall shine to a minimum. Same thing with shoes–now is the perfect time for sensible flats or boots.

4. Ignore all of this if the deceased wants you to– Apparently some people get very specific in their wills about what you should and should not wear at their funerals. Some people want everyone in their favorite colors, or specifically ask for no black. Usually you’ll be notified of this if this is the case.

How to Go to a Group Dinner and Keep All Your Friends

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What the Bible doesn’t mention is that Judas also always stiffed everyone on the tax and tip. Leonardo da Vinci [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Jaya and I have a large group of friends that we regularly eat out with, so trust us that this advice works. However, this is the sort of thing that only works if everyone does it, so don’t be that guy and don’t accept repeat dinner invitations from people who don’t cooperate. If bad group dinner guests find themselves not being invited to things, hopefully they will figure out why.

  • When you sit down, ask if it is possible to split checks. Some places are more accommodating than others (for some reason this is regional and I don’t really understand why.) In New York they tend to not want to do it.
  • See what everyone is in the mood for. Is everyone hungry and wanting to split appetizers and desserts? Or is this more of a single entree per person crowd? This can help avoid the next point.
  • Try to avoid situations where some people are ordering a small salad and water and some people are ordering 3 courses and tons of booze. This leads to the flow of the meal being different for everyone and extending it way out for the people ordering little. It also causes problems when it is time to split the check (if the waiter can’t do it per person and bless those who can!).
  • Splitting the check evenly is fine! As long as everyone’s bill will be roughly the same anyway. If you have the salad and water vs three courses with wine, you MUST split it per person. It is wildly unfair to let someone subsidize your dinner. Make sure your share of the tax and tip is in proportion to your total bill too.
  • There is an easy trick for making sure you are covering your fair portion of the tax and tip: take your total bill and calculate 30%. This is a little high, counting the tax at 10% (when in NYC it’s 8.875% and other places certainly less) but it’s MUCH easier mental math than figuring out the exact amount and that way you know you are covered and the waiter is getting a good tip.
  • If it’s a birthday, split the birthday person’s share, if that’s amenable to your group. It’s a nice thing to do.
  • Bring lots of cash (in a variety of bills if possible), it’s much easier to split that way.