Category Archives: Etiquette News

Etiquette Tidbits #1

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Men are safest kept in bottles. [Via]

So there are a lot of pieces of etiquette that don’t really fit into a whole how-to post or merit all that much discussion, little etiquette tidbits as it were. Here are a few:

  • Don’t take the flowers/centerpieces from a wedding reception unless you are specifically told to.
  • Always remove the price tag from gifts (or use a sharpie to cross it out).
  • Put your gum in the trash instead of under furniture or on the sidewalk.
  • Don’t pick flowers, fruit, or vegetables from people’s yards!
  • Obvious subtweeting is rude, however, feel free to subtweet brands, because, despite what the government says, corporations are not people with feelings to be hurt.

A Plea: Be Clear With Your Name Use

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Even if your name is very popular you should be clear about it. [Via]

Even if your name is very popular you should be clear about it. [Via]

We’ve already discussed the problems some people face when changing their names after marriage (or divorce, or just because they feel like changing their names because you’re an adult and can do that whenever you damn well please). But one issue we keep running across is people who go by one name in some places and a different name in others. This can get really confusing.

There are many legitimate reasons why someone would want to use an alias in public, and you should be allowed to do that! Perhaps you’re a writer who uses a pen name, or a public figure who doesn’t want people to find your personal Facebook page, or are trying to hide from an abuser or stalker, or maybe you just go by a nickname. These are all fine and entirely understandable. What gets frustrating is when, for instance, you have someone who has kept one name in public spheres and uses another “officially,” but expects you to know this without them telling you. I mostly see this with people who have changed their name after getting married, continue to go by their original names on Facebook, email, and other areas, and then are frustrated when you address an invitation or a check to their maiden name.

Okay, so nothing is actually stopping you from doing this. You can do this. Go by 10 different names on 50 different platforms, whatever. But at this point we don’t use at-home cards, and we certainly don’t assume anything about someone’s name unless we’ve been told. So, if every correspondence is telling us your name is “Janet Smith”…we’re gonna go with that. And if it turns out you changed your name when you got married and you can’t cash a check unless it’s make out to “Janet White,” it’s on you to let everyone know about that.

I am perhaps speaking too much from experience, thinking back on  sending out wedding invitations and figuring out who was named what. Most of my friends emailed me their preferred titles when they sent their addresses, but others I just went off what was on Facebook and other platforms. I mean, why wouldn’t I? Maybe I’m just self conscious and coming to terms with living in a world where I do not actually know my friends’ “real” names, and rely on a website to tell me what they are. Where asking someone if the name attached to their Gmail is accurate is a thing. Where you can know someone so well and intimately, well enough to invite them to your wedding, and not know this extremely basic thing about them. And maybe I can just remember that names don’t hold that much importance for everyone, and that knowing the person is more important than knowing their name.

You should still be clear with your name use though.

Does Pot Have A Place In Weddings?

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At the risk of sounding like a total fucking square, I want to talk about the pot article in the New York Times this weekend. No, not the one where they make a well researched and reasoned argument for the legalization of marijuana. The one where a bunch people consult professionals over what strain of weed to serve at their weddings. While visiting my parents this weekend, I woke up early and found myself reading this article on the porch, trying to stifle my laughs, make sense of the world, and wondering whether I was finally out of touch.

The gist is that, in states where pot has become legal, people are finding ways to incorporate it into their weddings. The ideas range from reasonable (have a box of joints available near the bar for everyone’s use) to slightly ridiculous (naming your tables after different strains, like Grape Ape and Skunk 1–potheads should never name things).  And given that we’ve written about both pot and weddings before, this seems to be right up our alley. So let’s discuss.

As much as I wanted to dismiss this whole thing, if you use the logic of “pot is no worse than alcohol,” a lot of this makes a lot of sense. If it’s legal, and thus gaining social acceptability, why not have a few joints or e-cigarettes available with cocktails? If people are getting their friends to brew them craft beer for their receptions, why not have a friend who grows make you a special strain? “We’ve got to get to the point where smoking is classier than drinking,” said one “budtender” (UGH) in the article, and it’s true that lighting up isn’t quite as sexy as sipping a martini, but it’s not hard to see how it would get there.

However, where I personally draw the line is turning pot from an available item into a “theme.” I feel this way about alcohol “themed” weddings as well. It’s one thing to have an open bar, but quite another to insist that drinking be part of everyone’s experience, and it’s no different with pot. Having pot brownies instead of a cake, or giving away pot plants as favors, suggests that this is more of a mandatory activity.

As with alcohol and liquor licenses, there are also logistics to consider. Unless you’re in a very well ventilated place, you’re encouraging a lot of secondhand smoke (and secondhand highs), and even if you’re outdoors it’s hard not to smell pot. You risk guests going back to states, and jobs, where marijuana isn’t legal, and possibly getting busted on a drug test.

In our recent theme of sobriety, also remember that, like any other drug, pot isn’t for everyone. The article quoted a lot of people saying how relaxed pot makes everyone, how loving and emotional and kind. And that’s true for many people! But it can make others paranoid and quiet and antisocial. Weddings are parties, and your goal at any party is making sure your guests feel comfortable and provided for (without driving yourself crazy or having it turn into something you don’t want). If, for your group of people, that means pot at every table then go for it. Just make sure you’re not going to alienate anyone by making it the focal point of your day.

Also don’t ever catch yourself saying sentences like “The Space Cheese itself lent a giggly buzz to everyone while we rehashed the day’s events.” Potheads! Get better at naming things!

Rude v. Tacky: Musings On Weird Al’s New Song

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weird_al_tacky.png.CROP.promovar-mediumlargeFirst off, I am the type of person who finds myself singing Weird Al lyrics instead of the real ones whenever popular songs come on. I welcome anyone who shares this affliction, as I’m sure you were just as excited when his new parody “Tacky” (of Pharrell’s “Happy”) came out this week. It’s a fantastic song, and quite a few of the lyrics actually deal with modern etiquette faux pases.

The word “tacky” is apparently a Southern colloquialism. According to “American Notes and Queries,” Feb. 15 1890,

“It was coined by a wealthier or more refined and educated class for general application to those who were not sheltered by the branches of a family tree, who were ‘tainted.’ Those who were wealthy and yet had no great-grandfathers were ‘tackies.’ The word was used both in contempt and in derision. It is now nearly obsolete in both senses. There are no aristocrats in the South now, and therefore no ‘tackies.’ No man who has the instincts of a gentleman is spoken of as a ‘tacky,’ whether he can remember the name of his grandfather’s uncle or not. But it has its uses. It is employed in describing persons of low ideas and vulgar manners, whether rich or poor. It may mean an absence of style. In dress, anything that is tawdry is ‘tacky.’ A ribbon on the shopkeeper’s counter, a curtain in the bolt, a shawl or bonnet, a bolt of cloth fresh from the loom may be ‘tacky,’ because it is cheap and yet pretentious.”

I did not know all this, but when I was a kid, I always thought tacky was somehow related to the concept of “tact,” which is really the sensitivity in which one deals with things outside of themselves. I thought a “tacky” person was one with no tact, no concept of how their actions were being perceived or reacted to by others. In short, I thought it had to do with rudeness.

Obviously, these two are different concepts, but sometimes I do think they’re still related. So, which things in “Tacky” are actually rude and which are just a matter of taste? We figured you may want to know, which is why we will now go LINE BY LINE THROUGH THE NEW WEIRD AL SONG and parse out the social implications.  You’re welcome.

 

It might seem crazy, wearing stripes and plaid – Crazy, yes, but power clashing is never considered a matter of etiquette.
I Instagram every meal I’ve had –  Definitely rude. If you want to take a meal photo now and then, fine, but you should err on the side of sparing your guests a display of your artistic meal positioning skills. Plus, your food is getting cold.
All my used liquor bottles are on display – Not rude, but definitely makes your house look like my ex-boyfriend’s sophomore year dorm room, which is not a good look for anyone.
We can go to see a show but I’ll make you pay – It’s unclear how Weird intends this line. Does this mean you’ll spend the whole show tweeting? Talking? Were you invited to a show under the impression that it was a treat, but last minute were told you had to pay for your own ticket? I mean, all of these things are bad, but in varying degrees.

[Chorus]
(Because I’m Tacky)
Wear my belt with suspenders and sandals with my socks – Not rude, especially if you’re a dad.
(Because I’m Tacky)
Got some new glitter uggs and lovely pink sequined crocs -Again, fashion is not rude, unless you’re wearing this getup to a funeral.
(Because I’m Tacky)
Never let you forget some favor I did for you – Definitely rude. A favor is a favor, and should not be held over the recipients head for the rest of their lives.
(Because I’m Tacky)
If you’re okay with that, then, you might just be tacky, too 

[Verse 2]
I meet some chick, ask her this and that – Derogatory terms for women are always rude, WEIRD AL.
Like are you pregnant girl, or just really Fat? (What?) – Inquiring into the reproductive state of any person is always rude, as we have discussed.
Well, now I’m dropping names almost constantly – Not necessarily rude, but I do think this falls under tactlessness.
That’s what Kanye West keeps telling me, here’s why

[Chorus]
(Because I’m Tacky)
Wear my Ed Hardy shirt with fluorescent orange pants – Fashion, not rude
(Because I’m Tacky)
Got my new resume it’s printed in Comic Sans – Only rude if you’re one of those font people
(Because I’m Tacky)
Think it’s fun threatening waiters with a bad Yelp review – Incredibly rude! Most of the time, bad restaurant service is the cause of a number of factors, not just the waiter’s negligence. And threatening employees is basically the best way to get thrown out of a restaurant, not get good service.
(Because I’m Tacky)
If you think that’s just fine, then, you’re probably tacky, too

[Bridge] – Nothing in the bridge deals with tackiness or rudeness.

[Chorus]
(Because I’m Tacky)
43 Bumper Stickers and a “YOLO” license plate – I don’t know what Weird Al is talking about, this person sounds pretty cool.
(Because I’m Tacky)
Bring along my coupon book whenever I’m on a date – Frugality is certainly not rude, and if your date tries to shame you they can go ahead and pay full price themselves. That being said, learn which things are worth springing for.
(Because I’m Tacky)
Practice my twerking moves in line at the DMV – Totally rude. You are to stay still and quiet while waiting on line. Anything else gets death stares.
(Because I’m Tacky)
Took the whole bowl of restaurant mints. Hey, it said they’re free – On one hand, they’re free, go ahead. On the other, it’s only polite to make sure everyone has the opportunity for fresh breath.
(Because I’m Tacky)
I get drunk at the bank
And take off my shirt, at least – I’m pretty sure most banks have a “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service” policy, to say nothing of public intoxication, so this may no be rude so much as it is illegal.
(Because I’m Tacky)
I would live-tweet a funeral, take selfies with the deceased – PEOPLE DO THIS. DON’T DO THIS.
(Because I’m Tacky)
If I’m bitten by a zombie, I’m probably not telling you – Well duh, you’re a zombie now, you can’t talk.
(Because I’m Tacky)
If you don’t think that’s bad, guess what, then you’re tacky, too