Category Archives: Etiquette History

Etiquette For Kids…From 1530

Posted on by

5

Kids! They’re always fidgeting and yawning and being unhygienic, and this was as true 500 years ago as it is now. In 1530, Erasmus published the educational treatise On Good Manners For Boys, which may be the earliest example of an etiquette book out there. Dedicated to the 11-year-old Henry of Veere, it outlines some good manners, though he insists that Henry doesn’t even need such a book, “having been, in the first place, brought up from infancy at court.” If only we were all so lucky. He goes on to describe how “the task of fashioning the young is made of many parts,” and I assumed he was talking about collecting legs and eyes and teeth to build an army of youths. Really, he means the task consists of teaching piety, a love for liberal arts, giving instruction on the duties of life, and teaching good manners. So, how do you do that? Erasmus explains.

“For the well ordered mind of a boy to be universally manifested—and it is most strongly manifested in the face—the eyes should be calm, respectful, and steady: not grim, which is a mark of truculence; not greedy, the hallmark of insolence; not darting and rolling, a feature of insanity; not furtive, like those suspects and plotters of treachery…”

This goes on for another paragraph, which is just to say you should be constantly aware of your eyes. What are your eyes doing right now? Are they grim? Are they truculent? Stop that.

“It is bad manners to look at someone with one eye open and one shut. For what else is this than to deprive oneself of an eye?”

It is literally nothing else, Erasmus. Do not wink at me.

“The eyebrows should be smooth, not contracted, which denotes fierceness; not arched, a sign of arrogance…”

He goes on like this nearly as long as he did about the eyes themselves. Following this he finally gets to the etiquette of the nostrils, the mouth, and how you’re cheating if you use blush because a natural modesty should be giving your cheeks that glow. You’d think that Erasmus would have the most polite face, given that he knows all the rules, but I don’t know…

Erasmus-lecture-3

That mouth looks pretty tight set, Are you “afraid of inhaling someone else’s breath”?

“To expose, save for natural reasons, the parts of the body which nature has invested with modesty ought to be far removed from the conduct of a gentleman. I will go further: when necessity compels such action, it should be none the less done with decency and modesty even if there is no observer present. For the angels, from whom derives that most welcome sense of shame that accompanies and protects the chastity of boys, are always near.”

Are you saying the angels don’t want to see my butt? I’m pretty sure they want to see my butt. What else are they doing all day?

“There are some who lay down the rule that a boy should refrain from breaking wind by constricting his buttocks. But it is no part of good manners to bring illness upon yourself while striving to appear ‘polite.'”

I love old science, and the idea that holding in a fart could cause you illness. He later says that it is more dangerous to hold in a fart than it is to hold in a bowel movement, which is bananas. Try to do both of those today and see which is worse. Anyway, he does say that if you must break wind, cover it with a cough. Slick.

Finally, Erasmus gets to the bottom of the body, discussing whether or not one should cross one’s legs like an Italian. Now, we move on to dressing.

“To drag long trains after one is ridiculous in women, reprehensible in men; whether becoming in cardinals or bishops I leave others to judge.”

I had no idea cardinals or bishops could be “becoming.” But thankfully I’ve also learned from Erasmus that wearing multicolored or embroidered clothing is for “idiots and apes.” Dude is bitchy. He also reserves an entire section on behavior in church, including this gem.

“Touching the ground with one knee while the other is upright supporting the left elbow is the gesture of the impious soldiers who addressed the Lord Jesus in mockery, ‘Hail King of the Jews!'”

DID ERASMUS JUST DIS TEBOWING? I THINK HE DID.

Erasmus addresses banquet and bedtime manners, but in the end comes up with the cardinal rule of etiquette itself. “The essence of good manners consists in freely pardoning the shortcomings of others although nowhere falling short yourself: in holding a companion no less dear because his standards are less exacting.” May we all strive to be better ourselves and more forgiving of others. And to let each other fart in public.

Thank Goodness We Don’t Have To Do That Anymore: Hand Kissing

Posted on by

4

Even Leo only saw it in a Nickelodeon once, it wasn’t an everyday thing.

Rhett Butler did it, Jane Austen’s heroes did it, but did anybody ever really kiss anyone’s hand?

I was all prepared to have a history of hand kissing and how it was done, but to be honest; I could find very few references to it in any historical etiquette books. And fun fact, Jane Austen’s novels contain only 4 instances of hand kissing.

Emily Post doesn’t mention it at all in her original etiquette book. I consulted a wide variety of books from the 1830s to the 1920s, and they hardly mention kissing at all, let alone how to properly kiss a lady’s hand.

I did find two instances describing how hand kissing is not done in the US.

The Handbook of Official and Social Etiquette and Public Ceremonials at Washington from 1889 which says:

The form of kissing by way of salutation between opposite sexes is obsolete in the United States, except among relatives. Among ladies it still prevails, but it should be confined to intimate friends, and then on the forehead or cheek. In ancient times it was in vogue between the sexes in the best society, it being applied to the cheek, forehead, or hand. It is still customary to a limited degree in Germany. In the United States it is never used, except restricted as above.

And in Manners, Culture, and Dress of the Best American Society from 1894 which talks about “the kiss of respect”:

The kiss of mere respect- almost obsolete in this country- is made on the hand. This custom is retained in Germany and among the gentlemen of the most courtly manners in England.

In fact, I didn’t find any real reference to it at all until Amy Vanderbilt’s New Complete Book of Etiquette from 1967 (though she probably also included it in earlier editions). Fortunately she had a lot to say about it!

In her section on the “Masculine Graces” she describes how to perform a hand kiss in case an American man encounters a married French woman who presents her hand for a kiss (hand kisses are apparently not given to unmarried ladies unless they are “of a certain age” aka really old). The technique is for the man to “take her fingers lightly in his, palm upward, bow slightly over her hand…, and touch his lips to the back of it, not really implant a kiss.” She also calls it extremely rude to kiss the palm of the hand and says that some foreigners will try it on naïve American ladies who don’t know any better.

When discussing different customs abroad, Vanderbilt says that hand-kissing should be impersonal with the lips never actually touching the hand, or even becoming a bow over the hand. She does quote an Italian saying that they don’t really do hand kissing anymore except “with American women we go to some lengths because they seem to expect it and like it and we want to please.”

Hand kissing was probably originally something you did to kings and other rulers, to show fealty. Wikipedia suggests that the custom of men kissing the hands of women originated in Poland/Lithuania and the Spanish courts in the 17th and 18th century, but doesn’t really provide sources on that. It also mentions that it has fallen out of favor and replaced by handshakes or cheek kissing, though it does mention that former French President Jacques Chirac made it his trademark, which apparently is completely true.

I will say, I have had my hand kissed before, in a rather ridiculous circumstance, and it was very swoony. So, if you think you have the finesse to pull it off on occasion, go for it! But be warned unless you are very, very charming, it is likely to come off as creepy and inappropriate.

Thank Goodness No One Is Making Us Take Snuff

Posted on by

2

Aside from alcohol, I have never really been one for drugs. And in terms of the way to take drugs, I think snorting anything sounds like the most unpleasant way. Ok, maybe I wouldn’t stick a needle in my arm either, but can anyone tell me they actually enjoy the sensation of a dry, powdery substance going up their nose? This is why I always found snuff so fascinating. We have cigarettes and cigars and dip and patches, so why would you decide that shoving it up your nose is a good idea?!

According to this WHO report, “American Indians were probably the first people to smoke, chew and snuff tobacco, as early as the 1400s (Christen et al., 1982). The Indians inhaled powdered tobacco through a hollow Y-shaped piece of cane or pipe by placing the forked ends into each nostril and the other end near the powdered tobacco. This instrument was called a ‘tobago’ or ‘tobaca’. The word was later changed by the Spaniards to ‘tobacco’.” It also notes, “When smoking was forbidden on British naval vessels because of the fire hazard,sailors turned to chewing tobacco and snuff.”

By the 18th century, it was really popular, and because many Europeans seemed to have nothing better to do with their time, a complex set of social rules was set up around the practice! Women, of course, were to abstain from snuff, and men were not supposed to take snuff in the presence of women. When they did, you were to pinch some in your fingers, bring it to your nose, and inhale quickly. There is debate as to whether it is alright to sneeze afterward. In some places it was popular because of the risque idea that the feeling of a sneeze was akin to that of an orgasm. Other books say it’s incredibly rude. If you were at a party, you were also to use the host’s snuff box, not your own snuff from your waistcoat pockets. The Laws of Etiquette from 1836 also says “as to taking snuff from a paper, it is vile.”

American habits mirrored those of Europe for a while. However, many in the South believed the French and English snuff habits were too precious, and instead began to favor chewing tobacco. But it wasn’t just Westerners using snuff. The Uncivilized Races of Men in All Countries of the World of 1876 describes the snuff practices of South African natives, with the added benefit of doing it in an incredibly racist way! The author writes, “It is considered bad manners to offer snuff to another, because to offer a gift implies superiority; the principal man in each assembly being always called upon to snuff to the others. There is an etiquette even in asking for snuff. If one Kaffir [racial slur for a black person in South Africa, FYI do not use this word] sees another taking snuff he does not ask for it, but puts a sidelong question saying “What are you eating?”

The same thing happened in China, where snuff was presumably brought by Jesuit missionaries. Though initially it was all imported, China began producing snuff in an array of colors and scents. Many of the upper class still prefered imported product. It was so popular they even wrote a song about it, called “Snuff Bottle Song”:

A marvelous plant, the absolutely unique tobacco

And this wonder drug is also not the yabulu

But a special kind of foreign tobacco

Not produced in China but imported from abroad

It is its virtue to clear out one’s blood

To liven up the nostrils, and invigorate one’s spirit

Despite its popularity, in many circles it was still seen as a bad habit. In Charles William Day’s Hints on Etiquette and the Usages of Society: With a Glance at Bad Habits, published in 1844, he writes:

As snuff taking is merely an idle dirty habit practised by stupid people in the unavailing endeavor to clear their stolid intellect, and is not a custom particularly offensive to their neighbors, it may be left to each individual taste as to whether it be continued or not. An “Elegant” cannot take much snuff without decidedly losing “caste.”

BURN.

Snuff is not as ubiquitous in America anymore, though you can still find it in most European tobacco shops. It’s also responsible for the name of the “anatomical snuff box,” the little dip in your hand right under your thumb when you hold it taught. However, some suggest there may be a comeback, what with all the public smoking bans happening around the world. Many are right to point out the absence of secondhand smoke when tobacco is taken this way, and the lower risk of lung cancer for the taker, which I guess is better, but I also really hope I don’t have to start putting up with a bunch of people making gross snorting noises around me when I’m out at a bar.

Anyway, if you’re interested in snuff, there’s a competition in Germany where you’re supposed to shovel five grams of it into your nose in a minute. The photos are incredible.

Things Not To Do Ever, According To This Lady

Posted on by

4

This woman does not like it when you hum in her company

This woman does not like it when you hum in her company

As we’ve mentioned before, the Victorian era was the height of the etiquette boom, and all it takes is a quick look on Google Books to see just how many people fancied themselves experts and got book deals (hint hint, anyone in the position to give us a book deal). One such book I came across was Woman in Her Various Relations: Containing Practical Rules for American Females by Mrs. L.G. Abell, which she introduces by saying “the allotments and responsibilities of Woman, in her own appropriate sphere, should be brought before the mind in their true weight and importance.” Whatever that means.

There are chapters on parlor care and the duty of benevolence, New Year’s Calls and a chapter specifically for young girls. But the one that caught my eye was entitled “Things To Be Avoided By All Persons.” It is every rant I’ve ever wanted to give. So here you go, a list of things to never do ever no matter who you are.

Loose and harsh speaking; making noises in eating and drinking; leaning awkwardly when sitting; starting up suddenly and going unceremoniously out of a room; standing in the way when there is scarcely room to pass; going before any one looking at a picture or sitting at the fire; taking possession of another’s seat when you know they are to return soon; intruding opinions when you know they will give offense; leaving acquaintances in the street or leaving a room abruptly and without taking leave; whispering in company; making remarks on the dress of those about you; using slang expressions; or a habit of saying “says he” “you know” etc.; helping yourself at meals without first asking others to be helped; scratching or touching your head; paring or cleaning your nails before company; spitting, picking the nose, or looking at your handkerchief after blowing it; standing or sitting with your back to the fire, when others would enjoy the warmth; alluding to subjects that would give pain to those you address; neglecting to answer letters; leaning the chair against the wall or furniture; spitting on the carpet or floor; drumming with the feet or fingers; whistling or humming tunes; reading papers, letters, and books in company; looking over another’s shoulder when reading or writing; talking lightly of serious matters; jesting when none take pleasure in mirth; sitting with the hat on in the house; touching any part of the person not usually exposed; rocking eagerly; showing yourself glad at other’s misfortune; being disrespectful in language or motion; continuing conversation when others come in without an explanation of the subject; showing marked attentions to some more than others unless they are strangers; neglecting to call on friends that have sent their card informing you they are in town; not informing your friends who have entertained you of your safe arrival home, and thanking them for kindnesses received; using deceit; making expense without benefit to yourself or others; being disturbed about trifles or accidents, common or unavoidable.

“Jesting when none take pleasure in mirth” you guys I’m dying. Why did she even write a book? This is the only list you ever need.

Holiday Traditions and Etiquette

Posted on by

1

A Bûche de Noël, the tastiest of logs[via Wikimedia Commons]

While holiday traditions are not etiquette, strictly speaking, they carry a lot of etiquette associations. After all, the only difference between trick or treating and begging is that one is sanctioned as a single evening of fun with a lot of etiquette rules and the other is considered pretty rude.

Christmas/the late December period has many old traditions, some of which have fallen out of favor. Here are some Christmasy traditions you may not be familiar with, with some etiquette pointers in case you find yourself faced with one.

Yule Log

The origin of the Yule Log is in Scandinavian midwinter festivals, providing lots of light which to drink by. It was imported to England and other northern European countries over time and became a symbol of Christmas. Traditionally, you would light the Yule Log with a scrap from the previous year’s Log. But you had to wash your hands first, as touching the Log with dirty hands was disrespectful. Then the log had to be kept burning for twelve hours- this could be difficult as no one was allowed to tend to the fire until everyone was done eating the lengthy Christmas feast.

These types of Yule Logs are uncommon today, however, the French make a delightful Christmas cake called a Bûche de Noël (Christmas Log), which is a cake that is decorated to look like a log. My personal favorite modern day Yule Log is the log that is burned on TV with Christmas carols playing (I grew up in a house without a fireplace, give me a break!) which I watch every Christmas morning.

Mistletoe

Everyone knows that if two people stand under some mistletoe, they must kiss. What you don’t know is that mistletoe was sacred to the Druids and when two enemies met under some, they had to stop fighting for one day. This eventually led to the custom of hanging it in a house and kissing beneath it in friendship or romance. While this can leads to lots of fun and frolicking, remember, if a person doesn’t want you to kiss them, don’t! Mistletoe be damned! Even Washington Irving wrote that every time mistletoe was used for kissing, one of the berries must be plucked from it and once the berries were all gone, no more kissing! Also beware mistletoe if you have pets in the house, because it can be poisonous to dogs and cats.

Boxing Day

Americans may be unfamiliar with Boxing Day, but it is still an official holiday in the United Kingdom, Australia, New Zealand, and Canada. And despite the name, it has nothing to do with throwing out the boxes your Christmas presents came in. Basically, Christmas gifts were exchanged between friends and family on Christmas day, and then people gave gifts to their servants and other people of the lower classes on December 26. There is a lot of dispute about the origin of the name, but most ideas revolve around putting money or goods into boxes as gifts. This practice does have a modern counterpart in holiday tipping (a topic far too huge to discuss in this particular post), but unfortunately, we don’t get a whole extra day off for it.

La Befana

I really love witches (obviously), so I was quite excited when I discovered that instead of Santa Claus, a witch brought presents to good little boys and girls in Italy. La Befana traditionally comes on January 6 (Epiphany) which is when the Three Wise Men arrived bearing gifts for baby Jesus. Apparently she drinks wine (don’t forget to leave some out for her!) and will sweep your floor, which to me, sounds way better than a fat dude eating all your milk and cookies.

The origin of La Befana is that she was a woman who gave the Three Wise Men shelter on their journey. They invited her to join them, but she declined. Later, having a change of heart, she set out to find the Wise Men and Baby Jesus with some small presents for the baby and her broom to help clean up. However, she never found them and has been searching for them ever since, leaving presents for the children on her way.

Christmas markets in Italy sell La Befana doll-decorations. I have one and I love that it can do double duty for Halloween AND Christmas.

The Real War on Christmas

Not a tradition, per se, but did you know that the Puritans heartily disapproved of Christmas as being frivolous (and rightly pointing out that December 25 had nothing to do with the birth of Jesus). When they Pilgrimmed it over to America-to-be, they brought the dislike with them and were able to ban Christmas entirely in Boston from 1659-1681, charging 5 shillings to anyone who seemed extra merry that day.

After the Revolutionary War, Christmas continued to be seen with some suspicion as being too English. In fact, the first session of Congress was held on Christmas Day in 1789.

BTW, Christmas wasn’t even a federal holiday until 1870 when President Grant was trying to find cheerful way to unify the North and South.

Tell me about your favorite holiday traditions in the comments!