Category Archives: Advice

Let It Mellow?

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It could be worse! [Via Wikimedia Commons]

It could be worse! [Via Wikimedia Commons]

We recently saw a discussion on Twitter about whether, given the terrible drought in California, is it okay to follow the “if it’s yellow, let it mellow” policy in public restrooms as well as at home. We were asked to weigh in, so here is our take:

Victoria: I’ve been thinking about it all week and I really do not know
 Jaya:  I think it’s responsible citizenship. It may seem gross, but that’s just because of our hyper-vigilant ideas about cleanliness.
Victoria:  That’s the way I was leaning. Like, it really does not bother me to pee on someone elses pee in a restroom.
 Jaya:  However, I would like to point out that solutions cannot come on the individual level like this. We need structural change. taking shorter showers is not going to make the dent we need.
 Victoria: Yeah, for sure. But every bit counts as well, not to mention it helps set everyones mindset to conservation rather than, “well it doesn’t matter for something so small”
 Jaya:  Oh absolutely. But yeah there is this trend of like “if everyone just doesn’t eat almonds and washes their hair every other day then it’ll be solved” and like, no.
 Victoria:  Oh! Though, I think if you notice that its starting to smell, you should probably flush after you go.
 Jaya:  Yes, definitely. And yeah, this is sort of in between individual and structural. like, the government is encouraging people to do this. So you should do it and maybe quit being so squeamish. I mean people drink urine, it’s not the worst thing to ever happen to you.
Victoria: Although, I do wonder about toilet paper clogs- like if its the 5th “let it mellow” happening then, thats a lot of TP in the bowl that now has to get down the pipe.
 Jaya:  That’s a good point. If you see it’s getting to that point then flush.
Victoria:  Definitely. Too smelly, too full of TP, flush it down.
 Jaya:  I just feel like this isn’t rocket science? If it looks like it really needs a flush, do it, and if you can avoid it, avoid it.
Victoria:  Hahahaha yeah, exactly. Plus! It can make you less annoyed at people! Like in non-drought conditions, you see an unflushed bowl and you are like, “ugh, what a jerk.” When its a drought, its like, “what a good citizen!”
 Jaya:  yeah!

 

Can You Wear White to A Wedding With No “Bride”?

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Embed from Getty Images
We recently saw a question on Twitter about whether you can wear white to a same-sex wedding where there is not going to be a bride in a wedding dress and decided to take it upon ourselves to answer it.

Jaya: I honestly have no idea.

Victoria: Oh woooooow, I would err on the side of NOT just out of respect for tradition and also like, while most people SHOULD be aware that they are at a wedding with two grooms, but if they are not for some reason, you don’t want them to mistake you for the bride (also with vendors, the general workers might just not know what’s going on). And yeah, one or both of the grooms might wear it. ALSO, like, there are approximately one million other colors and patterns that are NOT WHITE so I REALLY do not understand why people are constantly asking about wearing white to a wedding. Just take away all thoughts and considerations and don’t do it.

Jaya: You’re right, there are SO MANY OPTIONS. Like, just don’t wear a white dress for one day of your life.

Victoria: We aren’t the only ones to think this. A few years ago, Jezebel asked Steven Petrow, author of Steven Petrow’s Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners and The New Gay Wedding and he said “No doubt about it, they’re going to draw attention to themselves. And that’s the problem. That’s the faux pas.” Because everyone knows the rule about wearing white and will be talking about how you broke it instead of focusing on the couple.

Jaya: And it may sound like a stupid, antiquated rule, and you may be tempted to break it just because we should all be modern and understand that nobody is drawing attention from the couple, but you know…just don’t. At worst, someone is going to call you out on it and get really upset, but even at best there will probably be a couple people who just think you’re weird.

Moving Etiquette

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Of course, Victoria has very neat and organized boxes.

Of course, Victoria has very neat and organized boxes.

Victoria moved recently, so we had a nice talk about how we tip movers and try not to abuse our friends when they help us out.

 

Victoria: I have something else for us to talk about! Moving etiquette! And tipping!

Jaya: Oooh! So what sorts of issues did you run into during your move?

Victoria: So I wish you had been here and not swanning around Europe when I was trying desperately to figure out how much would be a fair tip. Have you ever used movers?

Jaya: I completely forget what we did when we moved last. Technically we had them,  though by “movers” it was more like “three Russian 20 year olds from craigslist with a van.”

Victoria: Matt said that you guys gave them like $20-30/guy.

Jaya: I think that’s about right, and made sure to offer them lots of water.

Victoria: Haha I didn’t really do the water thing, well I sort of did- in our original place, I left out a bunch of plastic cups and said they could help themselves. at the second place, we didn’t have anything. But anyway, my roommate and I had originally agreed that like, $60/guy would be fine. But then, they were SO AWESOME, like literally finished the ENTIRE move in 3 hours and were super nice and jokey the whole time, and never made any gross sexist remarks or anything, that we were like, JK, $80/each sounds better. Which ended up being 20% of the total move cost, which seemed like a good place. But SOME people have told me that that’s crazy high. (ed: but then, isn’t the definition of a tip to be extremely generous when called for?)

Jaya: Interesting. Obviously it depends on the company, but I do think movers are generally paid well, so that tipping a mover is not a requirement like it is for a waiter or hairdresser. According to this, the industry standard is 5%  http://www.moving.com/tips/much-tip-movers-explaining-tipping-etiquette-moving/

Victoria: Ahh but other things online told me they are NOT paid well and tips are essential. Basically what I found is that no one agrees. Some things said 15-20% of the total move, some things said $20 per person.

Jaya: Interesting, The couple links I just pulled up said 5%, but yeah, it varies. I think if you’re going with a moving company, you should absolutely call and ask a manager.

Victoria: But yeah, i think basically you should also go with what feels right, like they also didn’t break or damage a single thing. And like I said, really fast and professional. Whereas if they had been slow and sloppy, the tip would go down.

Jaya: Absolutely. Yeah, I would probably call a manager earlier and ask what the standard is, and then keep that in mind as they do things. If they’re breaking stuff and being jerks, you don’t have to meet that.

Victoria: Yeah, that probably would have been a good idea. Haha, although, I was such a stressball during this move that I think the manager was getting tired of talking to me. Everything was at the absolute last minute and I changed the date once, haha.

Jaya: The other thing I always think about is how moving affects your neighbors. There have been many times when someone is moving into or out of the building where they prop the doors open to get stuff in, but nobody is there watching the doors.

Victoria : The door thing doesn’t bother me so much because usually there’s a steady stream of people in and out.

Oh yeah! My new ~*fancy*~ building has rules- we had to move in on a weekday before 4pm so as not to inconvenience other tenants. AND they made the movers bring everything into the garage and put it in the elevator there instead of going through the lobby which also makes sense.

Jaya: Ooh that makes sense.

Victoria: So what about when your friends help you move? Beer and pizza? What age is it no longer quite cool to make your friends move and you should really be hiring movers? For me, I was definitely not going to be having anyone help me move because I have a TON of stuff and lots of heavy furniture. We had, i think, about 57 boxes. Oh! And our movers mentioned they were happy we put all our books into little boxes so they weren’t too heavy and we were like duh, and they said that not everyone thinks of that.

Jaya: Ooh that’s true! I mean really, I think you can always ask your friends for help, but as we get older you gotta realize not as many people will be able to.

Victoria: Yeah, definitely. Although, I did actually have some friend help this time! So due to the terrible complexity of the situation, I had to sign my lease at 9am on the day of my move and the movers ALSO wanted to arrive at 9am. Luckily, a friend didn’t have to be at work until noon that day, so he came and sat in my apartment to let the movers in until I got back. I bought him a doughnut the day of and I plan to buy him dinner sometime soon.

Jaya: Aww that’s nice! Yeah, I just helped another friend move, but by that I mean I waited in the van and made sure they didn’t get towed while he and his brother carried all his furniture.

Victoria: Hahah yeah. That type of help is always good to give. Also, the building I moved into works with a broker to fill the apartments, so we had to do everything through him (and pay a fee, grrr) but he did come by with a couple of bottles of wine as a housewarming present, which I thought was pretty nice.

Jaya: Hahah that is like, nobody’s experience. I mean that’s amazing but don’t get anyone’s hopes up.

Victoria: Hahaha I know! It was so strange. Also, my previous landlord returned my deposit within 3 days of me requesting it with no fuss.

Jaya: Are you a witch or something?

Victoria: I guess! Maybe it’s karmic retribution for having literally the most stressful move ever. And I basically live in a castle now, so.

What If I’m Not a Hugger?

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200_sHi Uncommon Courtesy,

What is your stance on hugs as a hello or goodbye?

I, personally, hate hugs, unless they’re with all but the closest of family and friends- and even then, just for a) comfort in the direst of emotional states or b) when this is goodbye for at least a few weeks to a month, or before some kind of trying endeavour. I don’t even particularly enjoy a hug with anyone but my husband, but I will do it because I’m not a monster and know when someone wants one.

This is obviously an idiosyncratic thing, perhaps set in place by my undemonstrative Irish family, but they make my skin crawl, and when I see an acquaintance/parent of a friend/colleague who I’m friendly with but don’t want to touch coming in for one, I’m like, oh god oh god no. Especially, because I feel like I tend to be forced into hugging while my husband gets to shake hands! 

Leaving aside the gendered complexity of hugging, I ask you two things.

1. What is your opinion on hugs (is my dislike of hugs my own cross to bear, or is there some merit to it), and, 2. considering I can’t avoid all hugs and must occasionally wrap my arms around semi-strangers, what would a modern guide to social hug etiquette look like?

Thanks for any light you can shed on this matter.

Yours faithfully,

Not feeling it

 

Official Etiquette

Emily Post didn’t really say much on hugging, but according to MTV Lauren Conrad is the Emily Post of hugging (???). She lays down some rules here, but says to save the big, two-armed hugs for close family and friends.

 

Our Take

Jaya: So how do we navigate an increasingly hug-friendly world? I was caught by LW’s mention of how gendered this can be. I hadn’t really thought of it, but that totally happens.

Victoria: Ugh yes, this happened to me once! With a young guy–he was shaking hands with all the guys and then I go to shake his hand and he’s like, “I think we can hug.”  I did because I don’t really care, but ugh! Not if it’s just the girls that you hug!

Jaya: That’s ridiculous, especially if it’s a professional setting. Though I admit, I’m a total hugger.

Victoria: Me too. I guess I am somewhat sexist about hugging–I will hug strange women more than strange men. Like friend’s parents, I will hug the mom but not the dad.

Jaya: I find myself doing that as well. I guess it comes from an assumption that it won’t be taken sexually, which obviously it can be no matter who you hug. I do my best to read body language and see if someone is uncomfortable with it. And honestly some days I don’t feel like hugging, or there are some people I don’t want that level of intimacy with, and try to quickly get my hand out there for a handshake.

Victoria: I also think that social hugs can be like, gentle, quick hugs that leave a fair amount of space between the people. But it’s perfectly fine to say “I’m not a hugger” and stick out your hand.

Jaya: Is it though? I mean, it should be, but I feel like if everyone is hugging and you say no it’s gonna turn into like “who’s the ice queen?” situation. Which is just to say that huggers need to be more aware of those personal boundaries.

Victoria: Yeah, if someone’s giving you pressure you don’t want to be friends with them anyway. I guess you try to read the situation and see if you can get away with not hugging. Also a good time to take up Irish exits–if you don’t say goodbye, they can’t force you to hug.

Jaya: Hahaha yes. I think sticking out your hand first is key, and if someone comes in for a hug anyway do your best to make it quick and create as much space as possible, to send the message that you’re uncomfortable. Also, this question got me thinking a lot about a few articles I’ve read about not forcing children to hug anyone, even family members. This is a good example, but basically it comes down to teaching children body autonomy at an early age, and understanding that something like a hug can be very intimate. And maybe we’re forgetting that applies to adults too.

Victoria: Absolutely. You should teach kids how to politely greet people and not hide and stuff, but they should get to choose. Plus, get them started early on firm handshakes and maybe there won’t be so many people with terrible handshakes.

Jaya: Ugh preach.

Victoria: Want to hear how I learned to shake hands? So I went to Take Your Daughters To Work Day with my mom when I was 11 or 12, and she was introducing me to people and I was shaking their hands, and she observes my weak handshake a few times and tells me that no one likes shaking a dead fish. And thus I have always shook hands pretty well (I think!).

Jaya: That’s amazing! I do not remember how I learned, but I think I’m good at it. But handshakes are great because they’re very neutral. Like yes, we live in a society where if you refuse any sort of accepted greeting you’re going to be a bit ostracized, but you should feel free to decline a hug.

Victoria: Definitely, and people should be very understanding.

Jaya: What do you think could be said if someone gives you shit for it? I can imagine some jovial fellow coming in for a hug, me saying “I’m sorry, I’m not really a hugger,” and getting a lot of pressure to just lighten up.

Victoria: I mean, to an extent you either play it serious or act even jokier, depending on the situation. Alot of situations, you probably won’t be able to get out of though. I guess the more people who make a stink about it, the more people who will get it that some people don’t like hugging.

Jaya: Yeah, if you’re willing to be that person.

Victoria: I mean, you can feel the moral superiority that the person who is pressuring is the rude one. Which is cold comfort, I realize. My thoughts come down to: say you aren’t a hugger, and if they insist, decide if you are going to fight that battle, and if you are not, try to give a brief, light hug or whatever makes you comfortable. My bugaboo is the cheek kissing thing–I never know when its going to happen! Especially the double kiss! I’m always like, hey, oh, are we doing this? Okay then.

Jaya: That happened to me in France with a French guy, and I made the biggest American idiot of myself.

Etiquette Tips For Being Cat Called

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tex-avery-wolf-and-red’tis the season, I guess, for dealing with this. Here are some acceptable ways to respond to this fun social dance!

1. Flip ’em off.

2. Ignore them.

3. Run into a bodega and buy yourself some ice cream because you totally deserve it.

4. Call your mom and cathartically trade stories about the other times this has happened to you.

5. Call their moms.

6. Cry violently at them.

7. Say “please don’t” as you smack their hand away.

8. Just say “ew”

9. Literally anything that makes you feel safe, whether that’s sassily laughing it off or pretending to be on a phone call or yelling.

10. Fuck ’em.

11. Fuck ’em all.