Category Archives: Advice

It’s Okay to Wear White After Labor Day

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Personally, I think what colors you wear when is a matter of taste and fashion rather than etiquette, but some people think it’s actually rude, so here we are.

The traditional period for wearing white was Memorial Day through Labor Day (with some municipalities allowing a brief wearing of white for Easter and then packing it away again until Memorial Day.) The reason is is that Memorial Day through Labor Day marks the effective “summer” period. Back in the Victorian era where many of etiquette and social customs were formalized, rich people would leave their houses in the cities and go to the country homes for the summer months. In town, everyone wore very serious, dark, heavy clothes, but in the country they would wear nice, light, white clothing which was more comfortable during hot weather (and remember, there was no A/C back then!) When they returned to the city after Labor Day, they would put their summer clothing away and return to their more formal city clothes. Also, back then, city streets were full of mud and horse poop and garbage and the air was full of coal smoke and soot and all kinds of things that made wearing white extremely impractical. So it just kind of stuck and became codified into this “rule.” Also, as New York was kind of the center of the fashionable world, rules were made to follow the Northeastern climate where it didn’t really start to get hot until Memorial Day and it cooled down quickly after Labor Day.

Nowadays, it’s totally fine to wear white whenever you like, especially if you live in a climate where a sundress is perfectly comfortable in March. The fashion industry even has a thing called “winter white” which is white you can wear in the wintertime. Now of course, you might simply find it more practical and comfortable to put your more summery whites away in the winter, but nothing is stopping you from wearing white linen pants in January if you want.

 

Is Throwing Your Own Birthday Party Rude?

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If people really thought throwing your own birthday was rude, they just wouldn’t come.

So here’s the thing. Technically, according to Miss Manners and other old school etiquette experts, throwing or organizing your own birthday celebration is rude. This is one of those rare areas where I fundamentally disagree (even though I see where they are coming from) and think it is one of those sections of etiquette that are changing due to different social norms.

The reason they consider it to be rude is that there is a traditional expectation that when you are invited to a birthday party, you will bring a birthday present and if you are throwing the party for yourself, then you are actually asking people to bring you gifts, which is not polite. In discussions of adult birthday parties, party poopers also like to bring up that it is all about honoring your ownself and being a bit “me me me,” rather than throwing a party in order to simply entertain guests. Miss Manners, herself, is firmly against adult birthday parties.  The general suggestion is that if a person is to have a birthday party, it must be thrown by a spouse, significant other, or other friend.

However, I find, at least among my social circle, that people are incredibly busy these days and while they might bow out of a “just because” party, most people try to prioritize birthday parties. There is also now the expectation that if you wish to celebrate your birthday, you will organize it in someway (spouses and significant others do often do this instead, but it would almost be weird if a friend said “oh let me throw you a birthday party this year”). Also, in my experience and region, birthday gifts for adults between friends are very rare (except maybe a gag gift?), and so there is no expectation that people will bring gifts. With our wide ranging social circles of friends and colleagues, you are also probably the only one who knows who you would want to invite to celebrate with you. So throwing your own thing is absolutely normal and polite.

There are some things that you can do, though, that will make your birthday party impolite:

  • Expecting birthday gifts, especially by making and distributing a registry. (Also don’t mention gifts anywhere in the invitation! Even to say no gifts).
  • With a dinner at a restaurant, you are going to mostly want to invite very close friends so it doesn’t seem like you are inviting people just so they will chip in for your dinner. If you want to invite a bunch of people, have a party at a bar or throw it at your house.
  • If it is your social circle’s custom to all split the birthday person’s dinner, then don’t argue too much when time comes to pay the check. Just say thank you graciously. That being said, always be prepared to pay your own way and don’t pick a restaurant out of the normal price range of restaurants your crowd frequents.
  • Be careful how you phrase invitations, “please join me for dinner at Bistro” sounds more like you are planning on paying for everyone than “I am celebrating my birthday at Bistro and I would love to see you if you can make it.”

I think what causes so much controversy over this issue is that it is something that really has evolved over the last decade or so. No one bats an eye at a Bride and Groom hosting their own wedding to celebrate their own marriage (which decades ago, was Not Done) and I see adult birthday parties as pretty much the same thing. The phrase “just because everyone does something doesn’t make it right” doesn’t actually apply to social customs. Social customs and etiquette are based on what everyone does, and if everyone starts doing something differently than the way it was done 100 years ago, then it becomes correct.

Am I A Good Enough House Guest?

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Did you make the bed? [Via]

Did you make the bed? [Via]

Dear Uncommon Courtesy, 

Can we go over house-guest etiquette?  Specifically, with respect to how one contributes to groceries, gas, etc, when staying at another’s house? What is the minimum?  Is there a maximum? What other things should a person be doing when they are a house-guest?  Bring a gift, I know, be generally considerate, etc, but basically, how do I be the best house-guest I can be, without breaking my own bank to do so? 

For example, recently my boyfriend and I visited our friends for the long weekend, who live far away.  They picked us up at the airport (they had no choice, there are no busses or taxis where they live). I paid for a rather large grocery bill (contributed to in part by the many cheeses I selected, for I know my friends are cheese-loving).  I then also bought quite a bit of booze, although my boyfriend and I drank quite a bit of it, as we are more dedicated drinkers. We provided probably 5/6 of the wine, beer, and whisky that was drank over the long weekend.  I also brought a small-ish gift and bought another one for them while I was there.. 

Did I do enough? Should I have done more? I paid for a lot of groceries, but we definitely ate other things in our stay. 

This particular stay does not have me overly worried, as they are old dear friends and I have been exorbitantly generous with them many many times, and frankly if I under-delivered this once I am to be forgiven.  But I would like a refresher!  

Sincerely, 

Anxious Guest

OFFICIAL TAKE

Emily Post says that houseguests should bring their own toiletries, offer help around the house, and ask about stripping the bed before leaving. Giving a gift and writing a thank you note after are also “musts.”

OUR TAKE
Jaya: This writer have nothing to worry about, because they have absolutely gone above and beyond with being a house guest.

Victoria: Umm yes, way above. I don’t do any of those things when house guesting. Like, if you spend more money on your hosts than you would on a hotel, what’s the point, really?

Jaya: Have we been shitty house guests the whole time?

Victoria: No we are totally normal guests.

Jaya: I think I’ve done combinations of the following things to thank hosts in my time: paid for groceries, cooked a meal, treated hosts to dinner, brought a bottle of wine/other small gift, paid for gas. Sometimes I’ve offered to do many of those things but the hosts insisted I needn’t worry, so I did none of them, and just thanked them profusely. I’m not sure I’ve ever sent a thank you note for crashing at someone’s house.

Victoria:  I think the standard is to bring a little gift and send a note after, but I honestly can’t remember if I’ve done that. Maybe I am the worst! I know my parents sent flowers to a family I stayed with when I evacuated college for Hurricane Ivan.

Jaya: I think it depends on your relationship with the host. I feel like a lot of formal etiquette treats it as if you’re taking in, like, weary travelers. I’ve always been friends or family with the people I’ve stayed with, so it’s far more casual. For instance, I had a friend move to New York and stay on my couch for a week before his apartment was ready. He bought a lot of his own groceries, but we offered to cook for each other and other things like that, because we’re friends and enjoyed having the other around. It wasn’t this burden.

Victoria: Yes! Usually a guest is someone you know or like having around, so it’s a bit of a treat for the host too?  I mean, you crash with someone because you are in town for something else, I think you have more of a need to thank them. But if they have invited you because they wanted to see you, then you should still do SOMETHING, but you don’t need to be picking up every little tab.

Jaya: Absolutely. Guests should not feel the need to constantly apologize for their presence. Clean up after yourself, offer to do some nice thing for your host, and don’t overstay your welcome, but you don’t have to be hyper-aware of everything you’re doing. There’s no need to break it down so far. No one will notice if you pay for 4/6 of the liquor instead of 5/6, or whatever. Oh but speaking of that, how do you know if you’ve overstayed your welcome? I feel like usually you know exactly how long you’ll be somewhere, so it’s not always an issue.

Victoria: Yeah, you’d usually say “Oh I’m planning on coming for four days.” Otherwise…once you host starts asking how long you think you will there is a good time to plan on leaving within a day.

Ten Items or Rude?

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Just be grateful you don’t have to shop like this. via Wikimedia Commons

Dear Uncommon Courtesy,

Is there any polite way to talk to someone who has too many items in the supermarket express lane?  I’ve been behind someone like this a few times recently, and the cashiers never say or do anything, so I feel like it would be rude for me to comment.  But I think it’s also rude for them to take advantage of the system and inconvenience me.  Is there anything to do besides let it go?

Thanks,
Ten Items or Less
Official Etiquette:
Miss Manners is very serious about limits in express lanes and basically says that anyone who breaks the rule can probably justify it to themselves, so it is important never to break the rule.
Our Take:
Victoria: Oh god this question!!!!!
Jaya: Hahahaha
Victoria: I don’t even know! And also I am the worst because sometimes I have too many items, but it’s, like, just a couple over and only when the checkout lanes are FULL of people with two full carts of groceries.
Jaya: Yeah, I think there’s a big difference between if someone has 12 items, or enough to feed an apartment building. If it’s a few more, I’m more inclined to just suck it up and wait. But if someone has a full cart and the cashiers don’t say anything, I think you can point out that it’s the express lane.
Victoria: Yes, definitely. And some lines don’t even say how many items you can have!!! I would probably not say anything though, they might throw an egg at you or something! Ooh! what would be a good idea would be to write to the store and be like, “no one is enforcing the express lane item limit and i will shop somewhere that does.” Then you would feel like you had done something.
Jaya: That’s a good idea! Thouuuuugh I’m not sure the store would take that seriously. That’s like a letter to the editor complaining about a typo. It’s more for you.
Victoria: They might! Some places really do listen to that kind of thing, and if enough people complain, they are more likely to listen! So it certainly doesn’t hurt. But yeah, it will also make you feel better. And obviously movie theaters like the Austin Drafthouse and Landmark in NYC have listened to people who complain about cell phone use and really truly, strictly enforce it. Which isn’t exactly the saaaaame, but still, squeaky wheel and grease and all.
Jaya: Very true.

How Do I Not Draw Attention To My Coworker’s Stutter

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downloadDear Uncommon Courtesy,

I work with a guy who has a pretty heavy stutter. I had a speech impediment as a kid and remember feeling embarrassed by it, so I don’t want to make him feel awkward. Is there anything I can actively do to make sure I’m not making him self conscious?

Best,

Speech Solidarity

 

OFFICIAL ETIQUETTE

Miss Manners says “it is considered rude to finish other people’s sentences.”

OUR TAKE
Victoria: So I have had friends with stutters, so I am pretty good with this.

Jaya: Oh good! Because I have no idea.

Victoria: Basically you just wait. It makes people, in my experience, much more nervous if you try to guess what they are going to or react to it at all.

Jaya: Yes, that brings a lot more attention to it and if you get frustrated, it usually makes the stutter worse.

Victoria: Yep! So I would just wait patiently and maybe glance around slightly so you aren’t STARING at them.

Jaya: Yeah. Like, be natural. Omg that’s always the worst advice though. Nothing makes you more unnatural than trying to be natural.

Victoria: Haha TRUE.

Jaya: Like “oh just make normal regular eye contact that’s not too intense.” But yeah, I’d think you just don’t want to draw attention to it, unless the person actually asks for help somehow. Also so much advice focuses on telling people not to finish stutterers sentences. WHO IS DOING THIS?? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?