Category Archives: A Perfectly Polite Wedding

How to Buy a Wedding Gift

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We’ve talked about this before, but I have some seen some startling things about wedding gifts on blogs lately, so I thought it would be good to do a refresher.

I was prompted in this by seeing several times over the last few weeks, wedding guests lamenting that the only things left on the wedding registry were super expensive so they were *forced* to spend so much more than they had been planning.

RECORD SCRATCH!

What?!?!?!

Um, no. My friends, a wedding registry is a suggestion of items that the happy couple would like to have. Granted, if you want to buy them a toaster and they have a specific toaster listed, you should PROBABLY get them that one since it probably has particular features that they like. But you are perfectly well within your rights as a guest to get them something that is NOT on the registry. If that seems too risky for you, EVERYONE likes checks! And honestly, people get all silly about a $25/30 check not being “enough.” But honestly, $25 is still $25 they didn’t have before and they know that their mixing bowl set is $25 so if you had gotten them that, they would still know what you spent. Don’t be embarrassed!

And if they have a honeymoon fund but only set it up to accept certain denominations (ahem, couples, do not do this. Do not start your honeyfund contributions at $75. Start them at like $10 and go up from there.), send a check with the amount you would prefer to give anyway. Honeyfunds are a total racket that deduct a percentage of the gift anyway.

So please, go forth and be joyous without destroying your budget. And honestly, if you are paying for airfare and accommodations for the wedding, your presence is definitely a present and a very sweet card or token gift should be fine. And couples who bitch about it should get over themselves.

Deal With It Devil Wears Prada

Can You Wear White to A Wedding With No “Bride”?

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Embed from Getty Images
We recently saw a question on Twitter about whether you can wear white to a same-sex wedding where there is not going to be a bride in a wedding dress and decided to take it upon ourselves to answer it.

Jaya: I honestly have no idea.

Victoria: Oh woooooow, I would err on the side of NOT just out of respect for tradition and also like, while most people SHOULD be aware that they are at a wedding with two grooms, but if they are not for some reason, you don’t want them to mistake you for the bride (also with vendors, the general workers might just not know what’s going on). And yeah, one or both of the grooms might wear it. ALSO, like, there are approximately one million other colors and patterns that are NOT WHITE so I REALLY do not understand why people are constantly asking about wearing white to a wedding. Just take away all thoughts and considerations and don’t do it.

Jaya: You’re right, there are SO MANY OPTIONS. Like, just don’t wear a white dress for one day of your life.

Victoria: We aren’t the only ones to think this. A few years ago, Jezebel asked Steven Petrow, author of Steven Petrow’s Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners and The New Gay Wedding and he said “No doubt about it, they’re going to draw attention to themselves. And that’s the problem. That’s the faux pas.” Because everyone knows the rule about wearing white and will be talking about how you broke it instead of focusing on the couple.

Jaya: And it may sound like a stupid, antiquated rule, and you may be tempted to break it just because we should all be modern and understand that nobody is drawing attention from the couple, but you know…just don’t. At worst, someone is going to call you out on it and get really upset, but even at best there will probably be a couple people who just think you’re weird.

In My Opinion The Best Wedding Favors Are Edible

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First let me state that wedding favors are purely optional. But if you do want to do them, don’t waste your money on stupid trinkets that your guests are going to throw away. Do something edible so that they can snack on the way home or shortly after the wedding. Here is a list of edible favors that I think are great (some are from real weddings!)

  • Beach wedding: salt water taffy
  • Barn/ranch/southwestern wedding: trail mix or some kind of cutesy Cowboy mix
  • Theater wedding: popcorn
  • Related to your honeymoon destination: biscotti for Italy (real wedding!), British candy for Britain, baklava for Greece, etc.
  • Vineyard: local olive oil (real wedding!)
  • Fall wedding: caramel apples if you have $$$$, apple chips or other apple-y themed snacks
  • Winter wedding: hot chocolate (real wedding!)
  • Summer wedding: honey (real wedding!)
  • State fair/circus wedding: cotton candy
  • Baseball wedding: Cracker Jack
  • Colorful/rainbow wedding: Skittles (taste the rainbow)
  • Camping wedding: s’mores
  • NYC wedding: black and white cookies

Regional Wedding Traditions: Cookie Table

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Previously: Cake Pulls

This is a regional wedding tradition I can get behind- a cookie table!

This tradition is regional to southern Pennsylvania/Pittsburgh and some other industrial East Coast cities that have large Catholic populations of Italian or Eastern European groups, says Wikipedia. I can’t remember where I first read about it, but it always struck me as a particularly nice tradition. In addition to your usual wedding cake, there is a table full of cookies at the wedding for the guests to enjoy. The great thing is that the relatives of the couple bake the cookies, giving it a great community feeling and something that hasn’t been totally Pinterestified like it’s cousin (and another favorite of mine- the candy buffet). Supposedly the tradition started before wedding cakes were a big thing and it was a way to spread out the cost of the reception between many family members.

These cookie tables aren’t playing around, either. I read about one wedding that had 500 dozen cookies!  That’s 6000 cookies, and unless these weddings have a thousand guests, that’s an awful lot of cookies per person. This wedding had 200 guests- which is 30 cookies per guest. That’s so many! Even a sweet fiend like me would have a hard time with that. Luckily, you get to take them home to enjoy at your leisure.

There is a bit of etiquette involved- are you really allowed to take them home (apparently these days it’s all good and some families even provide containers)? When can you start eating them, from the beginning of the reception or do you have to wait until dessert time (definitely not until after they’ve been revealed, but it depends on what the couple wants)?

So, let’s definitely bring this tradition to other weddings because unlike cash bars, who doesn’t love a good, homemade cookie?

Wedding +1s Can Be Kinda Awkward!

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plusone

All the plus ones

Dear Uncommon Courtesy,

I have a two part question about plus one’s at a wedding. 1) Can you bring a platonic +1 to a wedding? 2) Can you bring someone as your +1 who the bride and groom are friends with but didn’t invite to the wedding?

Sincerely,

Lonely Wedding Guest

Official Etiquette:

Couples should never issue a plus one as “Your Name +1”. It leads to exactly these type of situations. Instead, the couple should call up their single guest and inquire if there is anyone in particular they would like to bring to the wedding. Then they should issue the invitation as “Your Name and Your Guest’s Name.”

Our Take:

Victoria: Ooooh that’s a tricky one. I think a platonic +1 is fine. Although it does seem like a lot of people think you should only bring a “date” and like, bringing your mom would be weird.

Jaya: Yeah, the whole point is it’s up to the guest to decide. People should get over the “date” thing. Unless there’s a name on the invite, if it just says +1 you’re leaving it up to them to decide.

Victoria: Yeah, I mean that’s why you shouldn’t give a generic +1, you should ask if there is anyone they would like to bring to the wedding and then send an invitation with their name.

Jaya: Yeah, you can’t just assume they’ll bring their boyfriend or something. Maybe they want to bring their plumber.

Victoria: Although, I suppose then you put yourself in an awkward situation if they say, yes, I want to bring my mom and you’re like errr. And to the second part, I think it way trickier, because it can kind of feel like, okay, the bride and groom made a decision not to invite this person, and now I’m going to sneak them in with my +1. It’s way weird.

Jaya: Absolutely, and you never really know what the thing is. Like maybe they just ran out of room and are really upset they couldn’t invite this person, and are going to be super excited that they can do it. Or maybe it was for a reason and they wanted to send a clear message and now that’s messed up.

Victoria: Yeah, I do think if you are going to do something like that, you should run it by the bride and groom first. Be like, “I know you didn’t invite [NAME[ but I’d like to bring him as my plus one, but of course I understand if you would rather I pick someone else.” Although, you are still putting the couple on the spot. And if they don’t want to explain why they didn’t invite the person, then they are going to be really uncomfortable.

Jaya: Yeah, but like, as the couple you’re gonna have to deal with that. That’s what you get for +1s.

Victoria: Haha yeah, +1s are a weird thing anyway. Like it assumes that grown adults can’t be in public without a romantic “date.” Like it kind of reminds me of when my parents were young and like, you HAD to take a date to everything so you would scrounge up whoever was available. For me, people should only really do +1s for guests who are not going to know anyone at the wedding but the one or both members of the couple. (Definitely check to find out if anyone is in a relationship you didn’t know about though!)

Jaya: Yeah! It really is a relic. And I think people think they’re being nice by including a +1 but so often it can just be a source of stress. Either you feel like now you have to find a date or it’s like, the person you are dating isn’t considered seriously enough to get invited on their own.

Victoria: Yeah! The pressure to find a date is crazy. Like, why would I want to hang out with someone I’m going to have to entertain rather than just hang out with all the friends I have who are already at the wedding? And there’s nothing more annoying than that friend who you never get to see who brings a date to the wedding and spends the whole time with the date instead of catching up with everyone. I mean, choose your choices, but still.

Jaya: Yesssss, like, now you gotta make sure this person is having a good time, and you feel like a babysitter.

Victoria: Yep, just go and be freeeee. not to mention what if your date gets drunk and obnoxious?!?!

Jaya: Omgggggg, and you’re that person who brought that asshole.

Victoria: I brought a relative stranger to a sorority formal once and he got drunk and obnoxious and I almost DIED of embarrassment. That was freshman year and I never brought a date-date again. You were my date one year and you were a lovely date!

Jaya: I feel like I’m a pretty chill date.