Author Archives: Victoria Pratt

How to Go to a Group Dinner and Keep All Your Friends

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What the Bible doesn’t mention is that Judas also always stiffed everyone on the tax and tip. Leonardo da Vinci [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Jaya and I have a large group of friends that we regularly eat out with, so trust us that this advice works. However, this is the sort of thing that only works if everyone does it, so don’t be that guy and don’t accept repeat dinner invitations from people who don’t cooperate. If bad group dinner guests find themselves not being invited to things, hopefully they will figure out why.

  • When you sit down, ask if it is possible to split checks. Some places are more accommodating than others (for some reason this is regional and I don’t really understand why.) In New York they tend to not want to do it.
  • See what everyone is in the mood for. Is everyone hungry and wanting to split appetizers and desserts? Or is this more of a single entree per person crowd? This can help avoid the next point.
  • Try to avoid situations where some people are ordering a small salad and water and some people are ordering 3 courses and tons of booze. This leads to the flow of the meal being different for everyone and extending it way out for the people ordering little. It also causes problems when it is time to split the check (if the waiter can’t do it per person and bless those who can!).
  • Splitting the check evenly is fine! As long as everyone’s bill will be roughly the same anyway. If you have the salad and water vs three courses with wine, you MUST split it per person. It is wildly unfair to let someone subsidize your dinner. Make sure your share of the tax and tip is in proportion to your total bill too.
  • There is an easy trick for making sure you are covering your fair portion of the tax and tip: take your total bill and calculate 30%. This is a little high, counting the tax at 10% (when in NYC it’s 8.875% and other places certainly less) but it’s MUCH easier mental math than figuring out the exact amount and that way you know you are covered and the waiter is getting a good tip.
  • If it’s a birthday, split the birthday person’s share, if that’s amenable to your group. It’s a nice thing to do.
  • Bring lots of cash (in a variety of bills if possible), it’s much easier to split that way.

Are Thank You Note Services Rude?

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5542053136_cf01d74e05It recently came to our attention that there are a myriad of services out there that will take care of all the pesky parts of thank you writing (for save the dates, invitations and the like as well.) Basically, the service emails all your guests and asks for their addresses, compiles them into a database. You then input the invitation information or your thank you note contents (presumably these are individualized) and it prints it out, puts it in an envelope, stamps it, and mails it. So you are still writing the content, but then you don’t have to deal with any of the hassle. We had a nice talk about whether this was rude or not, but share your opinion in the poll at the bottom!

Victoria: Soooo what do we think about this service that writes your thank you notes for you? (I mean you write the content, but skip the actual writing and licking and stamping and such.) I actually sent a card to my mom this way once- she was weirdly offended. And it was just a random no occassion card!!
Jaya: Oooh, yeah I think it’s weird. Like, at that point, send an email or type out a letter.
Victoria: Yeah exactly, I think it makes you look lazy to the point of not caring. Seems great for invitations though.
Jaya: You used it though?
Victoria: It was a similar thing and I had a coupon code for it- Hallmark has a thing where you can send cards directly from their website, so I tried it out and my mom did not love it. Which is CRAZY because she is the queen of e-cards.
Jaya: It is really strange, because you realize the line is so murky. Like, handwritten from you is ok, e-cards are ok, but a handwritten card done through the internet is not.
Victoria: Yeah, I mean, I guess it does end up looking like a tricky junk mail spam thing.
Jaya: Yeah, all those “handwritten” fonts don’t look natural anyway. It’s interesting though, that there’s a market for it. That people value the idea of getting a handwritten note so much they’re willing to automate the process, but not to the point of getting an email.
Victoria: Haha yeah, but I think it ends up backfiring because it looks so weird. I think its almost better to just send an email, it’s more natural.
Jaya: Definitely. I really am all for email thank yous. Especially since I’ve gotten a few thank you notes returned and people aren’t getting back to me about their actual addresses
Victoria: Ahhh yeah. I dunno, I still really like handwritten notes, but then, I never got yours because it was lost in the mail. So maybe it would have been better to just have it in an email. Then again, things can get lost in email junk folders too.
Jaya: If the point is conveying earnest thanks, I don’t see how ink does that better. I’ll still do it, because I know people appreciate it. It just seems like ok, you can do it if the ink comes from you, not if you say the exact same thing to Hallmark and they write it down for you. At that point, is any thank you note that’s been dictated to a secretary or something less meaningful?
Victoria: Yeah! I think the show of effort counts a bit- it takes you know, 5 minutes to actually write the thing, but you double your time by having to lick the envelope, stamp it, write the address and stick it in the mail. And time=love, I guess.  Like how homemade cookies somehow seem more caring than storebought?
Jaya: Yeah! Even though if you’re a shitty baker it probably isn’t great. And what takes more time, carving cookies off a Tollhouse roll, or driving to a good bakery and picking them out?
Victoria: That’s a great point. So basically do what feels right, but know that a lot of people will still expect the traditional handwritten note.

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Monograms But Were Afraid To Ask

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MonogramWhen you were born did you get a bunch of silver cups and bowls and rattles and crap with your initials on them? Were you not at all confused attending your Southern University when suddenly everyone had Vera Bradley bags sporting three letters embroidered on (and not Greek letters either)? Then this guide is not for you. But if you still have some questions about how monograms (not to be confused with mammograms) work, then read on!

A monogram is simply a persons initials. Where it gets complicated is how to write those initials and where to put it.

Generally, there are two ways to do a monogram. First Middle Last initials vs First Last Middle initials. If you do the first, then you are going to want all three letters to be the same size. Like so:

VMP

If you want you last initial in the middle, then you make it bigger than the surrounding initials. Like so:

VPM

It is slightly more traditional to use the first form for a man and the second form for a woman, but you all know how we at Uncommon Courtesy feel about THAT. If one of these arrangements spells out something unfortunate, you would generally be advised to pick the other one, but ymmv.

You may also use just a single initial, but using your last initial is the convention.

If a married couple used a combined monogram, it goes Her First Last His First. Of course this only really works if you have the same name. Same sex couples usually use just two initials, either both first initials or both last, so that could be a good convention to follow for heterosexual couples with different last names.

A hyphenated last name can be written thus: A|B but you should just stick to the initials of the last name.

So what do you put these lovely letters on? The Original Preppy Handbook says: anything your WASPY little heart desires EXCEPT: suits, cashmere scarves, your dog’s collar, your china (lest you look like a hotel- quelle horreur!), your car. There are apparently special rules for monogramming mens shirts- basically to put it in sneaky places so it’s never visible but you know that it’s there.

Formality of the monogram should match the formality of the item. A silver cup for a baby should have a fairly formal monogram- perhaps a bit swirly and grand, but a bib can have something festive that looks like cutesy handwriting. Women generally can get away with fancier monograms and men generally stick to block letters. First names can be used for children for informal things, but many people choose to stick to the initials so the child’s name isn’t right there for strangers to see.

If you are dealing with monograms around a weddings there are some specific rules you are supposed to follow, which I am including here for thoroughness sake, but do whatever you want. Technically, if it is something you will use before the wedding, it should have your maiden name monogram. If you want to monogram wedding stuff like invitations etc you use both first initals like this: A&B. You never use the married monogram until after you say I do. However, if you want your registry gifts monogramed, it is fine to register for them with the married monogram since you aren’t supposed to use them until after the wedding anyway.

Airport and Airplane Etiquette

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[via Wikimedia Commons]

It’s almost the end of summer and you’ve probably taken all of your airplane trips already, so let’s see what you’ve been doing wrong this whole time! Just remember, that flying can suck but it sucks even more if everyone is acting like a big, whiny baby. At the airport:

  • At the check-in counter, remain friendly and calm.
  • New baggage fees are INCREDIBLY sucky, but a fact of life now (except for JetBlue and Southwest! Love JetBlue and Southwest and give them all your dollars) so make sure you are aware in advance of what they are and weigh your suitcases so you aren’t arguing with the person at the counter as the line grows behind you.
  • Yes the TSA is security theater and kind of ridiculous, but we all know the rules by now. Be ready to take off your shoes and pull out your baggie of liquids so you don’t hold up the line.
  • Don’t crowd around the gate. Wait for your boarding group to be called so that people don’t have to push through the big crowd. Don’t try to board when it’s not your turn! Major props to airlines who turn people back when their group hasn’t been called.
  • Don’t try to be all sneaky with your carry on baggage. Trying to get a too big bag in the overhead bin is not going to work and it just holds things up for everyone else. The rules exist for a reason and carry on space (see baggage fees above) is more crowded than ever.
  • Store your carry on in the bin above your seat, NOT at the front of the plane.

In Flight:

  • Don’t bring your very stinky food on the plane. Try for cold, dry snacks as much as possible. But make sure you do bring snacks! Don’t want to get hangry or have to pay the extreme prices for food on-board.
  • Apparently some people like to talk to strangers on planes. This is puzzling to me, but if you do, judge whether your seatmate is actually interested in chatting or is desperately looking around trying to think of a way to get you to stop.
  • Stay in your space bubble, don’t let your knees or elbows protrude into your neighbors space bubble.
  • The middle seat gets both armrests, if they want them. Sometimes, though, you have to assert your right to them, find advice here.
  • The whole row must make space when one of the interior seats needs to get up to use the restroom with a minimum of acting annoyed and put out. If you know you need to get up frequently, do your best to sit in the aisle rather than a window (though I know you sometimes don’t have much choice!)
  • Interior seat sitters should be mindful of good and bad times to get up. It’s much more of a hassle if everyone has their trays down with food on them.
  • Reclining seats is the biggest debate in flying etiquette. Some say that if they can recline, they should be able to recline with abandon, and some say you should never ever recline. I am in the reclining camp, but I think that if someone is reclining right into your kneecaps, you are free to speak up and the person in front of you should modify their recline. Success with this may vary, however. For heaven’s sake, please don’t kick the seat in front of you!
  • Seats should be upright during meals (if you should be so lucky…)
  • Don’t get belligerently drunk
  • Don’t harass the flight attendants (or call them stewardesses)
  • Sometimes someone might ask you to switch seats with them so they can sit with a child or something similar. You are free to say yes or no as you please. (If you are asking to switch seats, always make it so that you are taking the worse seat ie give someone your window seat for their middle seat.)
  • Flying with small kids sounds like a nightmare, but as long as you are actively trying to keep the occupied and quiet, people should give you a break. It’s the parents who zone out with a movie while their child is screeching who are very unmannerly.
  • Debark the plane in an orderly manner and don’t push your way into the aisle when no one is even moving yet.

How To Remain Polite When You are Hangry

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Hangriness is a thing that can happen to anybody. It’s that thing that happens when you are very hungry (and maybe you don’t even know it) but that hungriness makes you very irritable and you can end up snapping at those you love the most.

Recently, I was in Iceland (brag, I know) with my sister and we had plans to go to a certain place for dinner. For several reasons, that didn’t work out and we had to find a new place to eat on the fly. At that point I was verrrry hungry and suddenly I didn’t know when or where I would be able to get something to eat and I snapped. It’s not a very good feeling to get angry with your friends and family for no reason but fortunately there are ways to deal with it.

First: do your best to prevent hunger. Make sure you eat on a regular schedule. Keep snacks with you so you always have something in an emergency. Do your best to warn people if you feel hangriness coming on.

Second: if you feel yourself getting irritable, take a deep breath before you say something you will regret. Tell someone that you need to eat something now.

Third: if it is too late for prevention and you have already taken your hangry out on someone, please apologize. A simple deep breath and a “I’m sorry I snapped, but I am very hungry and I need to eat something right now” goes a long way.

That’s not to say that sometimes you aren’t angry for a legitimate reason, but even so, it is better to discuss your anger on a full stomach!