Author Archives: Victoria Pratt

Julie Andrews is an Etiquette Icon in The Princess Diaries

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Doesn’t everyone’s grandmother tie them to a chair to learn posture?

Previously: Emily Gilmore: Etiquette Hero

I am not at all embarrassed to admit that I love The Princess Diaries. It’s great! It has royalty, a great makeover, pre-annoying Anne Hathaway [ED NOTE: What is everyone’s deal with Anne Hathaway?! She seems totally normal!], the guy from Rooney, and of course, the amazing Julie Andrews.

So in case you haven’t seen it (and we can’t be friends anymore), what happens is Anne Hathaway has bushy hair, bushy eyebrows (individually glued on, it turns out!), and glasses, so she is invisible and awkward and “ugly.” Her long lost grandmother, Julie Andrews, appears in San Francisco and tells Anne Hathaway that she is Queen Clarisse of Genovia and that Anne Hathaway is actually Amelia Mignonette Thermopolis Renaldi, Princess of Genovia. Cue much freaking out. A deal is struck that Mia will attend Princess Lessons with Queen Clarisse for a few weeks before making a decision of whether to step into her role as heir to the throne or to decline it at the grand Genovian ball (which is inexplicably being held in San Francisco.) During these Princess Lessons, Queen Clarisse dispenses great wisdom:

  • I can teach you to walk, talk, sit, stand, eat, dress, like a princess.
  • Does your bad posture affect your hearing?
  • When walking in a crowd, one is under scrutiny all the time. So we don’t schlump like this.
  • We drop the shoulders, we think tall, we tuck under and we transfer the weight from one foot to the other.
  • Princesses never cross their legs in public. Why don’t you just tuck one ankle behind the other and places the hands gracefully on the knees?
  • And so you wave to them and acknowledge them gracefully. Not quite so big because of course it’s very exhausting after a while. Waving, even more gently, you sort of say “thank you for being here today.”
  • Very good. A diplomatic answer; polite, but vague.

Mia: Grandma, is it customary in Genovia to imprison your dinner guests with Hermies scarves?

Clarisse: It’s Hermes. The scarf is merely a training tool. Eventually you will learn to sit and eat properly without it. Manners matter!

Queen Clarisse’s princess reading list:

  • Emma
  • Pride and Prejudice
  • A Room of One’s Own

Mia: Do you have any spare change?

Clarisse: No, it’s not appropriate for royalty to jingle.

 

Mia: Would you like to slide in first?

Clarisse: I never slide.

 

Other Great Etiquette Scenes:

Mia attends the Genovia State Dinner at the Embassy. She succeeds in walking down a staircase by herself, but once dinner starts, all hell breaks loose. She accidentally sets someone on fire. She takes a much too large scoop of palate cleansing sorbet and gets an instant painful headache, forcing the Genovian Prime Minister and his wife to copy her (out of a misguided sense of good manners.) Queen Clarisse remains calm and simply tries to diffuse the situation by making humorous remarks to the Japanese ambassador, who is having none of it. (Also note during this scene, Queen Clarisse is wearing a tiara, which is an appropriate even look for a formal state dinner.)

Mia tries to get everyone’s attention for a speech by tapping her glass with her knife, but naturally breaks it instead (the kind waiter say “it happens all the time” [perhaps a reference to the famous escargot scene from Pretty Woman?][ed: when I was trying to find the scene I found out that it IS a reference and is in fact the same actor (both Gary Marshall movies!)])

During the “famous Genovian pear and cheese dessert” Queen Clarisse catches Mia eating with her fingers and subtly signals to use her knife and fork. Which of course leads Mia to knock a grape off her plate and go searching under the table for it which sets off a chain of events in which a guest trips over her, knocks into the waiter who pours a pitcher of water on another guest, who jumps up bumping into another waiter who tosses a tray of fruit everywhere, which lands of the Japanese ambassador’s plate. Fortunately the ambassador who had seemed bored the whole evening bursts out laughing and everything is fine.

Mia is afraid her grandmother will be mad at her, but Clarisse says it was very funny and reminded her of her first state dinner where she knocked over a suit of armor and the spear went right through the suckling pig.

Mia takes her grandmother out for some non-royal fun (going to the Musee Mechanique, which is a real and fun place in San Francisco!) but unfortunately, Mia’s Mustang has no luck against San Francisco’s famous hills and they end up rolling backwards into a cable car. The police officer wants to arrest Mia, but with some quick thinking, Clarisse elegantly thanks them for doing their duty and bestows upon them the “Genovian Order of the Rose” thus calming the situation and convincing them to let Mia go.

And hey, all of those princess lessons worked out, because in the end, Mia chooses to be Princess of Genovia officially and for real (although, Queen Clarisse gives her a tiara to wear, and really, unmarried women aren’t supposed to wear them, even if they are princesses.)

 

And some extra wisdom from Joe the bodyguard:

No one can quit being who they really are. Not even a princess. Now you can refuse the job, but you’re a princess by birth.

How to Be Sick AND Polite

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Germy germs

Getting sick happens to the best of us, but you don’t have to be rude about it!

In general, the best thing to do when you aren’t feeling well is to just remove yourself from society by staying safely in bed. But if you do need to venture out, here are some tips:

A Cold:

  • Sneeze and cough politely. The best place to direct a sneeze or a cough is into your elbow, that way the germs don’t get on your hands and transferred to other people.
  • If you find yourself having a coughing fit, excuse yourself from any situation where you might be disturbing others- a classroom, a movie theater, a library, etc until it subsides. (I sometimes get terrible dry coughing fits that last 10 minutes, so trust me, I have been there with this! It is super embarrassing too.) Also try to carry cough drops around with you.
  • Use a tissue or handkerchief to blow your nose.

Vomiting In Public:

We’ve all been there, the only thing you can do is do your best to make it to some kind of receptacle.

Really Disgusting Infections:

True story, the one and only time I ever had pink eye, I woke up with it the morning of the day I was supposed to have a long-anticipated date. I had to postpone and things never really worked out after that. The point of the story is that I looked like a horrible demon but I had to go out in public to go to the doctor, pick up my prescription, and pick up some food to sustain me through my suffering. Sunglasses were key in this situation. I just wore them right into the store and kept them on so as not to frighten small children.

The point is, if you have weeping wounds or other seriously disturbing visuals, do your best (within reason!) to keep them covered up when you absolutely must be around other people. And no, I’m not talking about your everyday rosacea or acne or other stuff that people should learn to deal with and definitely not tease you for.

Contagious, Preventable Illnesses:

Get your damn vaccinations already, oh my god.

How To Set Up A Guest Room

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This is Emily Post's ideal guest room. I can't say I love her taste in curtains!

This is Emily Post’s ideal guest room. I can’t say I love her taste in curtains!

So these days, it seems like most people don’t have a dedicated guest room. Usually if there is an extra room, it’s an office with a fold out couch or something similar. I wonder sometimes what percentage of people “back in the day” really had a proper “guest room.” We did when I was very young and had a big house, but when we moved to a smaller house we didn’t anymore. Did people really have more overnight guests “back then”? I have so many questions.

These days, you make do with what you have, but if you lived in Amy Vanderbilt and Emily Post’s worlds, you have a guest room and they had some adorable, now somewhat outdated advice about what to put in there. So really, this post is mostly etiquette history, as you can certainly follow this advice but it is in no way expected.

The Basics:

  • A relatively comfortable bed. Emily Post suggests sleeping on it yourself once. Amy Vanderbilt suggests that you have two twin beds that can be pushed together (she is very concerned about couples that prefer to not sleep in the same bed???) That bed should have plenty of blankets and pillows as well.
  • There needs to be a light near to the bed that is bright enough to read by.
  • A working clock (though with cell phones these days…)
  • Hangars in the closets and empty dresser drawers so the guest can actually unpack.
  • Good curtains or shades to keep the sunlight out.
  • A pitcher of water and a glass

The Extras:

  • Flowers in a vase
  • Lots of books!
  • A desk with pens, writing paper, envelopes, and stamps (clearly in the days before email!)
  • Snacks for the guest to eat before bed
  • PJs and a bathrobe
  • A full length mirror
  • An array of toiletries for the bathroom
  • A hot water bottle (they specifically mention this for women- I wonder if it has to do with cramps more than keeping your toes warm.)

Thank Goodness We Don’t Have To Do That Anymore:

  • Emily suggests having a candle and matches. In case of an emergency, fine. BUT she also suggests that some people like to keep a candle burning all night. NO!
  • Both etiquette mavens also recommend having ashtrays and matches for smokers- not so much a necessity today (even if your friends smoke, I can’t imagine allowing them to smoke in the house.)
  • The pull cord for servants should be next to the bed (as if, Emily Post!)
  • Breakfast trays! (Maybe this was easy with lots of servants, but I am not running a hotel!)
  • A swimsuit if you have a pool (so unlikely that anyone would be able to have enough sizes of swimsuits for this to be practical!)
  • A radio (so quaint!)
  • A turned down bed (this is the maid’s doing, but I guess it doesn’t really take any time, so you COULD do it. Theoretically.)

But seriously though, nobody expects that their host provide them with a hotel room. And if you do have a real guestroom, I imagine that your guest will be so thrilled to be sleeping on an actual bed instead of a sofa or an air mattress that they won’t care about the other stuff. Just make sure that the sheets are clean (always always change and wash sheets between guests, come ON!) and the room is also clean and reasonably tidy and you are fine.

How To Be An Awesome Date

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A date is when you stand back to back, right? [Via Wikimedia Commons]

Valentine’s Day has come and gone and you are still in the Lonely Hearts Club? It’s time to get back out there, champ! Get on Tinder, OkCupid, or whatever the kids are using these days (or go the old fashioned route and ask a friend to set you up!) and scrounge up a date. I’ll wait.

So you’ve got yourself a date! Fantastic! Hopefully you know enough on your own to set a place and time to meet. May I take this opportunity to suggest doing something other than getting drinks or coffee for a first date? I could literally drown in all the first date cocktails I have had and anyone who comes up with something different (or agrees to my suggestions) is my hero.

  • If you are asking someone out, be prepared with a suggestion of a plan. Don’t do the “I dunno, what do you want to do?” dance.
  • If you are doing the online thing, make sure you exchange phone numbers so you can call or text if you are running late or have an emergency.
  • Call or text if you are running late or have an emergency.
  • Don’t flake out at the last minute.
  • Dress to impress. Or at least shower and make a little effort.
  • Don’t be late! In fact, try to be a little early so you can get settled and relaxed.
  • Hold up your end of the conversation. Be sure to ask close to as many questions as you are asked (i.e. don’t only talk about yourself). But also, do you best to not only just ask questions (honestly I’ve had dates that felt like interviews). Basically, just be a person talking to another person!!
  • Keep things light and positive. You’re trying to get to know each other, not your baggage.
  • Refrain from checking your phone, except when the other person is in the bathroom.
  • Don’t be rude to the people around you, especially wait staff.
  • Men, we’ve discussed chivalry a bit in the past, and obviously a little bit of the man holding the door for a woman and so forth can be seen as being “well brought up” but don’t go too far by ordering for her, insisting she wait in the car until you open the door, or making her walk on the inside of the sidewalk.
  • Always offer to split the bill. If the asker insists on paying, be gracious and accept.
  • If you aren’t feeling it, don’t text a friend to call you and rescue you that’s super obvious and tacky. Stick it out through one drink, or say, at least an hour, then say you need to run and leave.
  • I think it is acceptable, after a first date that is a flop, for both parties to just never speak again. However, if the other person gets in touch with you to arrange another date, you need to respond to them and let you know you aren’t interested (also, confession time: I am the worst about this and have gone against my own advice on NUMEROUS occasions. But I feel bad about it.) You can just say something like: It’s so great to hear from you and I had a fun time meeting you, but I’m not really interested in exploring this any further.


*Disclaimer: obviously all advice goes out the window when you believe that you are in danger from the other person or they are being truly offensive.

The Great Big Tipping Etiquette Post

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You may have noticed that this site has existed for quite some time now and yet we have not gotten around to writing a guide to tipping. This is because we are great big cowards and it is a hugely contentious topic. But the time has come to go forth and do our best. As a caveat to international readers, this is a 100% American post, we know people in your countries get paid fair wages and tipping is a token and yadda yadda yadda.

Dining In Restaurants

This is probably where most people do their tipping and is the most fraught with peril. Know before you begin that in many states (but not all! For instance, California servers must be paid minimum wage.) servers are allowed to be paid below minimum wage, something like $2 per hour with the assumption that tips will bring them up to a fair wage. So by entering a restaurant, you are entering into a social contract that you will pay for both food AND service. If you receive subpar service, it is NOT acceptable to lower your tip from the standard. You really need to speak with a manager and alert them to the problem and ask that it will be rectified. If you leave a poor tip, your server will just think you are stingy.

So what is standard? 15% is the absolute bare minimum. In many places this is a perfectly fine tip and you don’t need to go higher. In bigger cities (I know NYC for certain), 20% is the general standard (and I find it a lot easier to calculate!) Knock yourself out going higher if you wish. I do think if you have tons of demands, substitutions, maybe your kid spills stuff all over the table, you should raise your tip accordingly.

There is some debate about whether you tip before or after tax. I generally think before makes sense, since taxes are also a percentage of the total, but its not going to make a huge difference either way, so go with what feels right to you. Or servers can chime in in the comments?

Counter Service

We wrote about this before, but you aren’t obligated to tip for coffee or ice cream or simple sandwich places. However, it is very nice to tip if it’s a big or complicated order or if they go out of their way for you.

Delivery

Someone is literally bringing food to you so you don’t have to step outside your door. Tip 15-20% and definitely raise that up significantly if the weather is horrible.

Bars

You probably already know this but maybe there are some bitty baby college freshmen out there (as I once was) who are very nervous about being caught out as underage because they don’t know what to order and don’t know what to tip. $1-2 per drink is standard or 15-20% on the tab.

Taxis

I used to always think that you only tipped if you had bags, but then I moved to NYC and find that people tip 15-20% per ride regardless of bags. We are pretty anti-Uber at Uncommon Courtesy, but I am a kind hearted soul and checked, and it turns out that Uber includes a 20% tip in the fare, so you don’t need to worry about tipping separately.

Salons

At salons (hair, nails, spa, etc) you tip 15-20% (more for big cities or more personalized services). Technically if your service is provided by the owner, you don’t need to tip, but I would want to be REALLY sure they were the owner before I did that. Also, if a separate person than your stylist shampoos your hair (and gives you a head massage if you are lucky!), you should give them a couple of dollars separately.

Valet

$2-5 when you get your car back, fancy-wheels.

Restroom Attendant

Restroom attendants are the most ridiculous thing. I fly into the Charlotte airport when I go to visit my parents, and they have them in ALL the restrooms. Like, I get it at a fancy nightclub or something where I am choosing to be, but an airport is a glorified bus station and it’s ridiculous. I don’t tip when they are foisted upon me and I don’t need their services, but if you do take their little mints and towels and stuff, tip between 50 cents and $2 depending on what you need.

Bellhops/Skycaps

What is this, the 1920s? Okay, if you are fancy enough to stay at a hotel with a bellhop (especially if they have a cool hat) you should be also be able to afford to make it rain for them. Otherwise, $2 for the first bag, $1 for all the following bags. Do airports even have skycaps anymore? (actually I used to use them in college all the time for some reason?) But anyway, if you can’t haul your bags the extra 50 feet to the desk, they also get $2 for the first bag, $1 for the second bag.

Hotel Housekeeping

$3-5 per day. Do it daily as the person doing the cleaning might change from day to day. Always leave a note saying “for housekeeping” or something so they know it’s for them.