Author Archives: Victoria Pratt

In Defense of Paper Napkins

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So festive!

I’ve noticed recently that most people my age seem to use paper towels as napkins. I don’t know if it is one of my more anachronistic personality traits, but I ALWAYS use paper napkins for eating and mostly only use paper towels for Windexing my windows/mirrors or cleaning up cat vomit.

As with most things, my loyalty to paper napkins is because that’s simply what I grew up with.  My family ate dinner together, at the dinner table, every single night growing up, even in high school. And that table was always set before the food was put down, with a folded paper napkin, a fork on top and a knife to the side, wine glasses for the adults and milk glasses for the children. The napkins were unfolded and placed on laps and then grace was said (I came up with a secular grace sometime around early high school for when it was my turn), and then everyone began to eat. Somehow, paper towels don’t fit into this narrative as well, they curl instead of fold and don’t want to lie flat.

To this day, I put a paper napkin on my lap when eating, even at my work desk. There’s something about making the effort to use an official napkin that adds a certain ritual element to eating, rather than a “towel” which you might also use to clean your toilet.

There’s the economic factor as well. A Bounty Basic paper towel (for example) is $7 for a pack of  8. That’s 87 cents per roll. And at 40 sheets per roll that’s 2 cents per sheet. By contrast, a 500 napkin pack of Mardi Gras napkins is $6.59 or 1 cent per napkin. Half the price of paper towels! Also, that 8-pack of paper towels only gives you 320 paper towels and an 8 pack of paper towels is considerably more bulky to carry home and store than a 500 pack of napkins.

So the next time you are stocking up on paper goods, consider the humble paper napkin and see if it doesn’t make your mealtimes and wallet feel better. For a more advanced option, try cloth napkins which will REALLY make you feel fancy.

Are Funding Sites Inherently Rude?

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If everyone gave just $1…[Via Wikimedia Commons]

Sites like Kickstarter, Indigogo, GoFundMe, Patreon have exploded over the last couple of years, and honestly, it’s great. I love that people can come up with a great idea or regularly create content and make it really easy for people to help them out/pay for content without having to go through traditional industry. However, like anything, these types of sites can also be abused.

We talk about the conundrum of wedding registries a lot…how strange it is to ask for people to give you things, and yet there’s this expectation that if people are going to give you gifts anyway, they might as well give you something you want. And then there’s the whole asking for cash thing, and honeymoon registries and it’s complicated enough that people are CONSTANTLY writing about it on wedding and etiquette sites. But I think that the growth of asking for gifts through wedding registries has led people to believe that it’s always okay to ask for things. And I don’t know if it is? The whole crowdfunding thing is so recent that there isn’t really any etiquette surrounding it. I think that what rubs me the wrong way the most is that so often, people are setting up crowdfunding for themselves. I’m absolutely not talking about the Kickstarter/Patreon things because in my mind, if you are creating a product that people are paying for, that’s not really fundraising in the same sense as just asking for straight up cash.

Historically, when there was a disaster, like a house burned down and the family needed help, someone in the community would organize the help for them- through a church or a school or a civic organization. People would give money or food or clothes or whatever they could and everyone rallied and it was great. But now, you see people asking for help to pay their medical bills or help pay their tuition. Which…is still something a lot of people want to help with and that’s great! But to a certain extent, only a few people are going to be able to do that with any kind of success. You either have to be the first one to do it or have a really good story because most people have some kind of medical bill or school debt or something and aren’t going to be able to spread their money around to everyone who needs help. And then there’s the fact that you asked for it for yourself, which still seems like “greed” to many people (not that I’m saying it is, that’s just a perception that many may have.) I realize that many people don’t have churches and social clubs anymore, but surely everyone has a circle of friends, co-workers, kickball team members, bookclubbers, or SOMEONE who can take the lead? And maybe this is a good time to point out that if someone close to you IS going through a particular rough patch, maybe reach out to them and to others and see if you can pull together some help.

Another thing I see crowdfunding for is “voluntourism.” Voluntourism is when you go on a vacation and spend part of the time “volunteering.” Now to begin with, voluntourism is a really murky area with a lot being written about whether it does any good at all (unlikely). But if that’s how you want to spend your vacation, take some bug spray and have a great time. The problem comes when you send out a crowdfunding message to all your friends and family telling them that you need $2000 for airfare and room and board so that you can be a volunteer. If you are not making a major, serious impact then you are taking a vacation and generally speaking, people should pay for their own vacations. You would be much better off if you asked for that money to be sent directly to the people who need it or at least only ask for money to buy supplies to bring (something like mosquito nets comes to mind).

And then you get the truly superficial. There’s the girl who raised $1500 to throw her own birthday party or people who fund their totally elective, cosmetic plastic surgery, bachelorette parties, vacations, there are hundreds. But for every one of those awful ones, there is someone raising money for someone to take a once in a lifetime trip after like, I don’t know, adopting 50 orphans or to raise money for a gift for a respected member of the community, which seem okay?

So if I was going to write some etiquette rules about crowdfunding they would be:

  • If you are actually creating something that people want, you are totally in the clear. Podcasts, blogs, art, music, movies, all that. Just keep the number of requests for support down to a minimum and deliver on your promises.
  • Always keep your requests to a minimum. Post it publicly a couple of times and then again right before it ends.
  • Don’t harass people to donate. ie don’t send out individual emails more than once. If people are ignoring you it’s because they aren’t interested and if you persist you will only annoy them.
  • If you are raising money for a cause, make sure it is helping the cause more than it is helping you.
  • Ask yourself if people will really want to give money to you. Are you the kind of person who is always ready to help everyone else out and is well regarded in your community? Likewise if you are crowdfunding on someone else’s behalf- have a talk with a bunch of people and ask them if they would be interested in donating before setting it up.
  • Consider your audience- if everyone you know has a pile of student debt, don’t ask them to help raise money to alleviate YOUR student debt or send you on vacation, etc.
  • Always graciously accept declines and be thankful to the people who do donate. Consider sending individual thank you notes or messages if you know who the contributors are.
  • If your request somehow goes viral and you receive way more money than you ever imagined, consider giving a big chunk of it to charity.
  • If you are the one who needs money, strongly, strongly consider asking a VERY close friend if they might set up the site on your behalf. It looks so so so much better.
  • Ultimately though, you can probably try to crowdfund anything and hey, you might get lucky and get some money. The worst that can happen is that all your friends and family hate you!

May Day Traditions

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Via Wikimedia Commons

May Day seems like one of those holidays that’s a big deal in elementary school and then you basically ignore for the rest of your life. I definitely remember making May Day baskets out of construction paper and doing a big school assembly where we had to dance the Maypole. I always got annoyed that the other kids couldn’t remember to go over and then under correctly and messed up the weaving of the Maypole ribbons.

But, May Day is actually a really interesting and beautiful holiday. It takes place on the first of May and was the traditional beginning of summer. Girls would start the day by washing their faces in the morning dew, said to have magical properties to make them beautiful (this seems like risky business in Brooklyn, so I won’t be trying it!).

Then, everyone would gather flowers and greenery to decorate their houses to bring good luck.

Children would put together May Day baskets- often as simple as a cone of paper with some flowers in it and leave them on the doorsteps of their friends and neighbors. Then they would ring the bell and run away.

Many towns and villages will elect a Queen of May who wears a white dress and a crown of flowers and opens up the festivities.

Traditional events at May Day celebrations are plays (often about King Arthur or Robin Hood), Morris and other ethnic dancing, and of course, the Maypole:

The Maypole is a tall pole (traditionally a tree was cut down to serve this purpose each year) with many streamers hanging down from it. It could also be decorate with a wreath of flowers at the top. To do the Maypole dance, each dancer takes a streamer. Every other dancer faces right and the rest face left. Then they each go over and then under each other in a weaving formation. If the dance is completed successfully, the ribbons turn into a beautiful pattern woven around the pole! See an example in the video below:

How to Make Thank You Note Writing Painless

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If I had infinite dollars, I would only buy fancy stationery.

If I had infinite dollars, I would only buy fancy stationery.

So in the last couple of weeks, we have been talking about who writes the wedding thank you notes with a poll and the results of that poll. As we were doing it, I was thinking a lot about what I would do if I had a wedding’s worth of thank you notes to write (NB I am not married but I am good at writing thank you notes and organizing large tasks.) Here are some ideas for making the process pretty painless:

  • Write them all on the plane ride to your honeymoon- what else do you have to do with all that time? (cons: you might lose them!)
  • Address and stamp all the envelopes ahead of time, it will save you a step later.
  • Write the notes as gifts come in. It’s reasonable to expect that wedding presents will start being sent to your house about 3 months before the wedding. If you write each note the day you receive each gift, you will hardly notice the time spent! And actually, you REALLY should be writing notes as soon as you get gifts, don’t leave people hanging for 6 months. Emily Post has a great story about a society bride who was getting hundreds of gifts and wouldn’t go to bed until she had written all the notes for the gifts that had come in that day.
  • Make your significant other write half! There is no reason you shouldn’t be splitting the thank you note writing exactly in half. (Make it a contest? The first person to be done with their half gets treated to dinner by the other person? Or gets to pick the date of their choice?)
  • Use thank you note writing as a fun newlywed date night- get some delicious takeout, some wine, and get cracking! You can even share your memories of seeing each guest at the wedding with each other.
  • Just buckle down- write 5 the second you walk in the door every night and you will be done in no time.

The Royal We

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RoyalWeI actually hate reading books reviews (except when the reviewer really hates the book) so this is not going to be one. It is merely a recommendation that you go read this book immediately.

The Royal We is the first novel written by Heather Cocks and Jessica Morgan (better known as the Fug Girls after their website Go Fug Yourself). It is the lightly fictionalized and heavily dramatized account of the courtship and engagement of Kate Middleton and Prince William (except in this case, the girl is an American named Rebecca Porter and the Prince is Prince Nicholas and they meet at Oxford instead of St. Andrews.) It is SIGNIFICANTLY better than the Lifetime movie adaptation of the royal couple’s relationship William & Kate (which of course I watched the second it came out. I also got up at 5am or whatever to watch the Royal Wedding- in case you didn’t know, this is also secretly a Kate Middleton appreciation blog.) So if you like William/Kate, royalty, Oxford, romances, “chick lit” (ew), and generally enjoyable books, you will like this one. I stayed up past my bedtime three nights in a row reading it.

ALSO! It has a fun etiquette bit. So the main character Bex is enduring “princess lessons” of the kind Kate Middleton was allegedly subjected to:

And yet, even without its emotional stalwarts, Team Bex was bigger than ever. Marj drafted a phalanx of expert strangers who diagnosed me as a Neanderthal hunchback with Clydesdale tendencies, and began shepherding my way though Duchessing for Dummies, No longer could I clomp from point A to point B. I had to glide, each leg crossing slightly in front of the other, my food going heel-sole-toe at exactly the right smooth pace. I was taught to don and doff coats without them hitting the floor; to use only my left hand to hold drinks at official events so that my right would never be dam or clammy for handshakes; and accordingly, that I’d be better off never taking an hors d’oeuvre, lest I be forced to shovel it into my mouth. Before sitting, I learned to bump the chair ever so gently with my calves to be sure of where it was without glancing behind me. I must only cross my ankles, never my legs, and when getting up from that position, it is a decreet ballet of scooting to the edge of the chair and then standing quickly while uncrossing things. I am not uncoordinated, but that tripped me up six times the first day. In flats. Marj made my instructor sign a second confidentiality agreement on the spot, and then suggested some off-hours practicing. It’s a wonder it took me as long as it did to hire Cilla permanently, because her suggestion to bring Lady Bollocks into my Duchess for Dummies training was a masterstroke. There was a reason Bea was so successful in Thoroughbred competitions that rewarded obedience.

You can download the first seven chapters from the Go Fug Yourself site in case you don’t trust my judgement.