The Royal We

RoyalWeI actually hate reading books reviews (except when the reviewer really hates the book) so this is not going to be one. It is merely a recommendation that you go read this book immediately.

The Royal We is the first novel written by Heather Cocks and Jessica Morgan (better known as the Fug Girls after their website Go Fug Yourself). It is the lightly fictionalized and heavily dramatized account of the courtship and engagement of Kate Middleton and Prince William (except in this case, the girl is an American named Rebecca Porter and the Prince is Prince Nicholas and they meet at Oxford instead of St. Andrews.) It is SIGNIFICANTLY better than the Lifetime movie adaptation of the royal couple’s relationship William & Kate (which of course I watched the second it came out. I also got up at 5am or whatever to watch the Royal Wedding- in case you didn’t know, this is also secretly a Kate Middleton appreciation blog.) So if you like William/Kate, royalty, Oxford, romances, “chick lit” (ew), and generally enjoyable books, you will like this one. I stayed up past my bedtime three nights in a row reading it.

ALSO! It has a fun etiquette bit. So the main character Bex is enduring “princess lessons” of the kind Kate Middleton was allegedly subjected to:

And yet, even without its emotional stalwarts, Team Bex was bigger than ever. Marj drafted a phalanx of expert strangers who diagnosed me as a Neanderthal hunchback with Clydesdale tendencies, and began shepherding my way though Duchessing for Dummies, No longer could I clomp from point A to point B. I had to glide, each leg crossing slightly in front of the other, my food going heel-sole-toe at exactly the right smooth pace. I was taught to don and doff coats without them hitting the floor; to use only my left hand to hold drinks at official events so that my right would never be dam or clammy for handshakes; and accordingly, that I’d be better off never taking an hors d’oeuvre, lest I be forced to shovel it into my mouth. Before sitting, I learned to bump the chair ever so gently with my calves to be sure of where it was without glancing behind me. I must only cross my ankles, never my legs, and when getting up from that position, it is a decreet ballet of scooting to the edge of the chair and then standing quickly while uncrossing things. I am not uncoordinated, but that tripped me up six times the first day. In flats. Marj made my instructor sign a second confidentiality agreement on the spot, and then suggested some off-hours practicing. It’s a wonder it took me as long as it did to hire Cilla permanently, because her suggestion to bring Lady Bollocks into my Duchess for Dummies training was a masterstroke. There was a reason Bea was so successful in Thoroughbred competitions that rewarded obedience.

You can download the first seven chapters from the Go Fug Yourself site in case you don’t trust my judgement.

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