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Did you make the bed? [Via]
Can we go over house-guest etiquette? Specifically, with respect to how one contributes to groceries, gas, etc, when staying at another’s house? What is the minimum? Is there a maximum? What other things should a person be doing when they are a house-guest? Bring a gift, I know, be generally considerate, etc, but basically, how do I be the best house-guest I can be, without breaking my own bank to do so?
For example, recently my boyfriend and I visited our friends for the long weekend, who live far away. They picked us up at the airport (they had no choice, there are no busses or taxis where they live). I paid for a rather large grocery bill (contributed to in part by the many cheeses I selected, for I know my friends are cheese-loving). I then also bought quite a bit of booze, although my boyfriend and I drank quite a bit of it, as we are more dedicated drinkers. We provided probably 5/6 of the wine, beer, and whisky that was drank over the long weekend. I also brought a small-ish gift and bought another one for them while I was there..
Did I do enough? Should I have done more? I paid for a lot of groceries, but we definitely ate other things in our stay.
This particular stay does not have me overly worried, as they are old dear friends and I have been exorbitantly generous with them many many times, and frankly if I under-delivered this once I am to be forgiven. But I would like a refresher!
Sincerely,
Anxious Guest
OFFICIAL TAKE
Emily Post says that houseguests should bring their own toiletries, offer help around the house, and ask about stripping the bed before leaving. Giving a gift and writing a thank you note after are also “musts.”
OUR TAKE
Jaya: This writer have nothing to worry about, because they have absolutely gone above and beyond with being a house guest.
Victoria: Umm yes, way above. I don’t do any of those things when house guesting. Like, if you spend more money on your hosts than you would on a hotel, what’s the point, really?
Jaya: Have we been shitty house guests the whole time?
Victoria: No we are totally normal guests.
Jaya: I think I’ve done combinations of the following things to thank hosts in my time: paid for groceries, cooked a meal, treated hosts to dinner, brought a bottle of wine/other small gift, paid for gas. Sometimes I’ve offered to do many of those things but the hosts insisted I needn’t worry, so I did none of them, and just thanked them profusely. I’m not sure I’ve ever sent a thank you note for crashing at someone’s house.
Victoria: I think the standard is to bring a little gift and send a note after, but I honestly can’t remember if I’ve done that. Maybe I am the worst! I know my parents sent flowers to a family I stayed with when I evacuated college for Hurricane Ivan.
Jaya: I think it depends on your relationship with the host. I feel like a lot of formal etiquette treats it as if you’re taking in, like, weary travelers. I’ve always been friends or family with the people I’ve stayed with, so it’s far more casual. For instance, I had a friend move to New York and stay on my couch for a week before his apartment was ready. He bought a lot of his own groceries, but we offered to cook for each other and other things like that, because we’re friends and enjoyed having the other around. It wasn’t this burden.
Victoria: Yes! Usually a guest is someone you know or like having around, so it’s a bit of a treat for the host too? I mean, you crash with someone because you are in town for something else, I think you have more of a need to thank them. But if they have invited you because they wanted to see you, then you should still do SOMETHING, but you don’t need to be picking up every little tab.
Jaya: Absolutely. Guests should not feel the need to constantly apologize for their presence. Clean up after yourself, offer to do some nice thing for your host, and don’t overstay your welcome, but you don’t have to be hyper-aware of everything you’re doing. There’s no need to break it down so far. No one will notice if you pay for 4/6 of the liquor instead of 5/6, or whatever. Oh but speaking of that, how do you know if you’ve overstayed your welcome? I feel like usually you know exactly how long you’ll be somewhere, so it’s not always an issue.
Victoria: Yeah, you’d usually say “Oh I’m planning on coming for four days.” Otherwise…once you host starts asking how long you think you will there is a good time to plan on leaving within a day.
Dear Uncommon Courtesy,
I work with a guy who has a pretty heavy stutter. I had a speech impediment as a kid and remember feeling embarrassed by it, so I don’t want to make him feel awkward. Is there anything I can actively do to make sure I’m not making him self conscious?
Best,
Speech Solidarity
OFFICIAL ETIQUETTE
Miss Manners says “it is considered rude to finish other people’s sentences.”
OUR TAKE
Victoria: So I have had friends with stutters, so I am pretty good with this.
Jaya: Oh good! Because I have no idea.
Victoria: Basically you just wait. It makes people, in my experience, much more nervous if you try to guess what they are going to or react to it at all.
Jaya: Yes, that brings a lot more attention to it and if you get frustrated, it usually makes the stutter worse.
Victoria: Yep! So I would just wait patiently and maybe glance around slightly so you aren’t STARING at them.
Jaya: Yeah. Like, be natural. Omg that’s always the worst advice though. Nothing makes you more unnatural than trying to be natural.
Victoria: Haha TRUE.
Jaya: Like “oh just make normal regular eye contact that’s not too intense.” But yeah, I’d think you just don’t want to draw attention to it, unless the person actually asks for help somehow. Also so much advice focuses on telling people not to finish stutterers sentences. WHO IS DOING THIS?? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
The grocery store is a tower of Babel, basically. Pieter Brueghel the Elder (1526/1530–1569) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons
At least once a day I get someone at the store I work at who’s mumbling and has an accent, and I can’t tell a word they’re saying and I have to have them repeat it like 4 times. How do I politely tell someone I don’t understand them?
Sincerely,
Frustrated
Official Etiquette:
Miss Manners suggests, when faced with someone mocking your accent, saying “I beg your pardon, but I don’t understand what you are saying.” Presumably this would be the thing to say if you don’t understand what someone is saying for real.
Our Take:
Jaya: Ok so accents! I understand this a lot. Some of my immediate family has accents I do double takes on.
Victoria: Yeah, although i suppose this could also apply to people who mumble and talk so quietly you can’t hear them,
Jaya: Hahahaha, I think you can use different approaches though. Like, if an adult is mumbling, tell them to speak up. You should just know that.
Victoria: Agreed. Although, it gets a bit absurd when you’ve asked someone to speak up like 3 times and you still can’t hear them!
Jaya: I feel like for an accent there should be a way to politely say “I’m sorry, I’m having a hard time understanding your accent” but then again that gets into tricky territory.
Victoria: I think what you said, except maybe, “I’m sorry, i’m having a hard time understanding what you are saying” which focuses less on the accent.
Jaya: Yeah, definitely and put it more on your inability to understand, rather than blaming them for having an accent.
Victoria: Yesss, and actually, the more you are around accents, the easier it is to understand them. Sooooo just live in a vibrant community I guess.
Jaya: Hahaha yeah easy as that. Also, since he’s working retail, I feel like you can do a lot of interaction with pointing and gestures. So you can attempt to do that as much as possible.
Victoria: Yeah, it’s surprising how much you can communicate with gestures.
Jaya: Ooh wait! maybe lie and say your hearing is bad and that they need to enunciate?
Victoria: HAHAHA, maaaaybe.
Jaya: I’m serious though! It makes it clearly about your inability to hear, but also encourages slow and clear speaking. I’m all for harmless white lies that let everything go smoothly.
Victoria: True, but it’s something pretty easy to get caught lying about.
Jaya: But what are the consequences? Oh, your hearing is fine? Say you went to a loud show the night before and it’s temporarily bad!
Victoria: Lol true, but generally it’s embarrassing to get caught lying, and people don’t like being lied to, even if its harmless
Jaya: I’m guessing if it’s a checkout line at the grocery store, you may not have the opportunity to be found out. Though i guess if it’s a regular customer just try to learn their habits.
Victoria: Yeah, I think the key thing is do what you need to do while trying not to call too much attention to the accent and risk making someone feel bad.
Jaya: Yes, saying you’re the one having a hard time understanding, or maybe asking them to repeat specific things like “cash or credit.”
Victoria: Yes, simple words are best.
Do you have a question or tricky etiquette situation? Write to us at info@uncommon-courtesy.com!
Dear Uncommon Courtesy,
We are the first of our group of friends to have a baby. We’ve gotten lots of casual babysitting offers over the past few months from friends. “I can totally babysit” – that kind of thing. Now that the kid is old enough to be left with someone else for a few hours, I’d like to start cashing in these offers. But do I offer to pay? I don’t want to assume anything. I mean, I would pay a babysitter and these friends would be giving up their time. Maybe a gift instead? “Oh look a bottle of your favorite booze I just happen to have here. Take it.” Please advise!
Best,
Favor Flustered
OFFICIAL ETIQUETTE
Emily Post and the like are pretty mum on the subjects of babysitting and favors among friends, though we’re guessing they would say never to offer a favor and expect to be paid for it.
OUR TAKE
Jaya: I’d think that you can do the ol’ dance of offering to pay, and your friends will probably be like “no don’t worry about it.” Especially if you bring it up in terms of their original offer. Like, “Hey, now that the kid is old enough to be left at home, we’d love to take you up on your generous offer to babysit!”
Victoria: I think if I were offering to do this, it would because a) I want to hang out with a cool baby b) do a nice thing for my friend, so I really wouldn’t WANT anything. It’s actually, I think, considered sort of insulting in some circles to pay friends for babysitting because you aren’t really paying them enough (usually) to recompense for their actual time, so it’s better to just not and let it be a favor that you can repay at another time.
Jaya: That’s true. Unless you’re paying your best friend $15 an hour (or whatever the rate is now) it may not matter. It’s also probably important to note that, since the offer was probably made as a friendly favor to new parents, you shouldn’t take advantage of it. The offer may be a couple-time thing, not a thrice-a-week gig.
Victoria: Yeah, seriously. This is definitely like, once or twice spread out (unless they seem to really really like doing it).
Jaya: I found some interesting stuff here, where they say that a bottle of wine or a gift card seem like “thank you for a favor” gifts, while cash is an impersonal transaction .
Victoria: Definitely, although if it’s a fairly short amount of time, I don’t think you even need to do that much, just be prepared to do them a favor later. Like maybe under 4 hours?
Jaya: Haha that’s as good an arbitrary amount of time as any.
Victoria: I mean, it seems like dinner and a movie time. But still, a bottle of wine wouldn’t go unappreciated, I’m sure. Or some takeout.
Jaya: Yes! Still do all the other babysitting norms, like leaving money for takeout/emergencies, etc.
Victoria: I think it ties in a lot with the general doing of favors for friends.
Jaya: Absolutely. For instance, I generally do not expect to pay my friends when they cat sit for me, but may leave them a little gift, or ask with the assumption that I will cat sit when they go away. And cats=babies duh.
Victoria: Haha yeah! Exactly. Or sometimes a friend will drive you someplace and you get their lunch, or you borrow their drill to hang your curtains and ummmm you will do something nice for them sometime (thanks Jayaaaaa).
Jaya: Yeah you know you lend a friend your drill and they pay your rent for two months, right Victoria?
Victoria: Hahahaha no.
Jaya: Hmm, what should she do on the off chance a friend demands payment?
Victoria: I guess pay them and then don’t ask them again.
Jaya: I can’t imagine you’d make that offer to a close friend if you want to be paid, but then again people are crazy.
Victoria: This is true.
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