Monthly Archives: September 2014

How To Throw A Polite Wedding On The Cheap, Pt. 1

Posted on by

2

A backyard tiki wedding sounds AWESOME

A backyard tiki wedding sounds AWESOME [Via]

Dispatches from wedding world have been getting a little crazy. People are getting their weddings corporately sponsored. They’re asking guests to pay for their dinners, or putting bank transfer details on invitations. They’re yelling at guests for not giving them enough money. It’s nonsense, but it’s an unfortunate symptom of an industry that tends to conflate “fancy” with “polite.”

We are taught that providing the MOST at a party is the nicest thing you can do, so couples want to provide the MOST at their weddings, and when they realize that it gets expensive quickly, they decide that they should pass the costs onto guests…completely forgetting that whole “hosting” thing.

The bottom line is your wedding is about making whoever is invited feel welcome and thanked. This doesn’t mean you have to invite 200 people. This doesn’t mean you have to serve a sit-down dinner or have a top-shelf bar. This doesn’t mean you have to give everyone elaborate favors. You just have to make people feel welcome, and that is easier than you may think.

Recently, The Daily Mail outlined some ways couples are trying to scrimp and save on their weddings (though it doesn’t really cite anything). We discussed a few of them.

Asking Guests To Cover Their Meal

Jaya: “Bank details are often printed at the bottom of the invitation so you can pay for the meal in advance.” faints

Victoria: Okay! This is a Europe vs America thing- Europeans don’t use checks ever at all, they do everything through direct transfers. So basically its the same as expecting someone to send a check. Still tacky, obvs, but it’s the request for money, not the bank details.

Jaya: Still, the idea of putting any request besides for RSVP on an invitation! The only time I can think of it being okay to ask for wedding guests to pay for their own dinner is if you get a courthouse marriage and just ask everyone to join you at a restaurant after, where it is 100% clear you are not actually hosting, you’re just asking people to meet you for dinner.

Victoria: Do not ask anyone to pay for any part of a party you are hosting is my firm line. I mean, you can ask your parents but not guests.

Returning Registry Gifts For Money

Victoria: I think the argument there is that it’s disingenuous to act like you want all that stuff and never ever have any intention of actually keeping it.

Jaya: Yes. You don’t have to make a registry, or put a million things on it. If you just want cash, don’t make a registry and you’ll probably get cash.

Victoria: And then you can cash in all those toasters you do get with a free conscience.

Jaya: Exactly. Once you give a gift, it’s not up to you to judge how the person uses it (or returns it).

Email Invitations

Jaya: I see no problem with this.

Victoria: Yeah, I don’t reaaaaallly care about email invitations. I care a little, but not much.

Jaya:  The only time I can see it being an issue is if most people don’t use email, because then it’s not even functional. But if you’re not a sentimental person, and just want to get the information out, this is just fine. Go for it.

Victoria: Right, but that’s a different thing. it’s something I would raise my eyebrows at stylistically (similar to heavily themed weddings), but everyone has the right to do it as long as they aren’t also being rude. It’s more a matter of personal taste than etiquette.

“One of the newest tricks is covertly providing champagne for the wedding party – the bride and groom, bridesmaids and best man – but no one else.”

Jaya: Serving only champagne to the bride and groom and family and not everyone else seems weird, but then they mention the bride and groom getting top shelf champagne and serving everyone else something cheap. That just seems overly complicated.

Victoria: Yesss also, just obnoxious. Just get everyone the same stuff!!!

Jaya: Or just don’t serve champagne! I know the champagne toast is seen as this classic thing, but you can do it with wine.

Selling Your Wedding Supplies

Victoria: This is just SMART.

Jaya: Yes! So many wedding websites have little marketplaces for your excess candles and chair covers and whatnot, because you will probably never use them again.

Asking Friends For Help

Jaya: I think this heavily depends on who you’re asking and what you’re asking them to do. It’s totally acceptable, but there’s a line between asking people for help and asking them to become your employees for the day.

Victoria: And it depends on their tolerance for it. I think it’s a very “know your audience” sort of thing, though there are some things I think are never really okay- like making them clean up the whole reception afterwards, except in possibly very special circumstances.

Jaya: Yes. I think my personal line is making guests do any sort of work during the actual wedding or immediately after. Setup, sure. Asking friends to help with crafts in the months leading up, totally. But once you’re in party mode I think it’s really rude to ask people to remove themselves so they can break down tables. Also, you shouldn’t plan the wedding under the assumption that you’ll get this help. Like, be ready to make every one of those streamers yourselves if none of your friends want to spend a night crafting with you.

Uninvitations: “Brides who want to let would-be guests down gently send out Non-Invitations, which are meant to be a polite way of letting people know they haven’t made the cut.”

Jaya: Jesus fucking christ.

Victoria: It’s so unnecessary and potentially hurtful! People will know they are not invited if they do not receive an invitation!

Jaya: Yes! Also you do not owe anyone an explanation for this sort of stuff! Oh my god this is just too much.

 

And there you have it! Next up, we’ll be discussing some more ways you can save money while still having a beautiful and polite wedding.

Small Talk That Doesn’t Sound Like Nonsense

Posted on by

2

Old movies often have great examples of small talk.

If you haven’t read “How to be Polite” by Paul Ford, please do so immediately because it is lovely. What struck me was this paragraph:

Here’s a polite person’s trick, one that has never failed me. I will share it with you because I like and respect you, and it is clear to me that you’ll know how to apply it wisely: When you are at a party and are thrust into conversation with someone, see how long you can hold off before talking about what they do for a living. And when that painful lull arrives, be the master of it. I have come to revel in that agonizing first pause, because I know that I can push a conversation through. Just ask the other person what they do, and right after they tell you, say: “Wow. That sounds hard.”

Which is really good advice and got me thinking about small talk. Small talk is a really important skill because it helps to make everyone comfortable in a situation where either the conversers don’t know each other well or you are somewhere where you need to watch what you talk about. As fun as it is to talk about sex and politics, it’s not always appropriate, which is where small talk comes in. Small talk also allows you to get to know someone so that you can then get to all the deeper fun conversations (or you can always follow my example and get really drunk and overshare- boom you are best friends!)

Talking about the weather gets a bad rap, but honestly, it’s something we all have in common, it’s easy to talk about, and with climate change, there is always something new and exciting going on.

A good way to build a chit-chatty conversation is to find something you have in common- usually something about the event or the place you are at. Then make a comment about how you relate to that commonality. Then ask them a question about the commonality and them. Then try to ask more questions and give more comments about yourself, trying to keep the questions and comments balanced so you don’t overwhelm someone with questions or bore them by talking about yourself. Extra credit: if someone walks up to you during this chitty chatty exchange, bring them in! Tell them what you are talking about! Ask their opinion! Talk for a few minutes then excuse yourself and go talk to someone else. This is called “mingling.”

Small talk is hard! It takes practice, so don’t be hard on yourself if you aren’t good at it. When I was a pre-teen, my mom actually got a bee in her bonnet about small talk and she would take me out to dinner and be like “okay, now give me some small talk.” I was so bad at it that I would be absolutely silent in the car over because I had to save up all the interesting news from my day to talk about over dinner! Jaya thinks this is bananas, btw, but it really did help. I didn’t get REALLY comfortable with it until going through sorority rush for a couple of years- as a chapter, we would actually practice having conversations for HOURS so that we didn’t sound awkward or weird to potential recruits. Then I got REALLY comfortable with it when I started going on a million first dates via OkCupid and had the same conversation a hundred times.

So practice on a friend! Practice in a mirror! Go out for drinks with strangers from the internet! Because when you have it, you can talk to anyone and make everyone comfortable and  they will call you charming.

Speaking of making small talk! Come make small talk with us at our One Year Uncommon Courtesy Anniversary Party! Saturday, September 13 at Otto’s Shrunken Head, New York City. 7pmish. Add yourself to our Facebook event.

Ten Items or Rude?

Posted on by

0

Just be grateful you don’t have to shop like this. via Wikimedia Commons

Dear Uncommon Courtesy,

Is there any polite way to talk to someone who has too many items in the supermarket express lane?  I’ve been behind someone like this a few times recently, and the cashiers never say or do anything, so I feel like it would be rude for me to comment.  But I think it’s also rude for them to take advantage of the system and inconvenience me.  Is there anything to do besides let it go?

Thanks,
Ten Items or Less
Official Etiquette:
Miss Manners is very serious about limits in express lanes and basically says that anyone who breaks the rule can probably justify it to themselves, so it is important never to break the rule.
Our Take:
Victoria: Oh god this question!!!!!
Jaya: Hahahaha
Victoria: I don’t even know! And also I am the worst because sometimes I have too many items, but it’s, like, just a couple over and only when the checkout lanes are FULL of people with two full carts of groceries.
Jaya: Yeah, I think there’s a big difference between if someone has 12 items, or enough to feed an apartment building. If it’s a few more, I’m more inclined to just suck it up and wait. But if someone has a full cart and the cashiers don’t say anything, I think you can point out that it’s the express lane.
Victoria: Yes, definitely. And some lines don’t even say how many items you can have!!! I would probably not say anything though, they might throw an egg at you or something! Ooh! what would be a good idea would be to write to the store and be like, “no one is enforcing the express lane item limit and i will shop somewhere that does.” Then you would feel like you had done something.
Jaya: That’s a good idea! Thouuuuugh I’m not sure the store would take that seriously. That’s like a letter to the editor complaining about a typo. It’s more for you.
Victoria: They might! Some places really do listen to that kind of thing, and if enough people complain, they are more likely to listen! So it certainly doesn’t hurt. But yeah, it will also make you feel better. And obviously movie theaters like the Austin Drafthouse and Landmark in NYC have listened to people who complain about cell phone use and really truly, strictly enforce it. Which isn’t exactly the saaaaame, but still, squeaky wheel and grease and all.
Jaya: Very true.