Tag Archives: How To

How To Give A Wedding Gift

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Always an option

Screw Pete, Chip ‘n’ Dips are great

So you’ve been invited to a wedding! It’s so exciting to be attending your first wedding as a real grown up person. If you’ve only attended family weddings with your parents, you’ve probably just been signing your name to whatever they’ve selected (which is fine! Keep doing this for random family weddings! Forever!). But now you are on your own. Here are a few pointers:

Do I have to give a gift?

Contrary to popular belief, wedding gifts are not obligatory. However, if you aren’t happy enough about a wedding to be moved to send a gift, you probably shouldn’t be attending! Your friends and family love you though, and if you are too poor to travel to the wedding AND give a gift, I’m sure they would prefer your presence rather than a present.

When and where do I send a gift?

You can send a wedding gift almost any time! You can send it as soon as you receive an invitation or up to a year afterwards! I would recommend sending it around 1-3 months before the wedding, though if you have a particular thing you want to get off their registry, you should swoop in ASAP before it gets taken! I say send, because generally you are going to want to ship the gift to the couple ahead of time, not bring it to the wedding. This may vary regionally, so consult with other guests about what they are doing if you can. Cards can be brought to the wedding because they are small. Traditionally, gifts are sent to the bride’s home, but with everyone shacking up these days, you can send it straight to the couple’s home, unless instructed otherwise.

Do I have to have the gift wrapped?

No, lots of people send gifts unwrapped, in fact some couples prefer it for environmental reasons. I like gift wrapping personally, and will spring for it (Bed, Bath, and Beyond has the prettiest gift wrap, in my opinion!) However, regardless of whether you send a gift or drop it off at the couple’s home, make sure you include a card with both your first and last name so they will know who it is from!

What’s a good gift and how much should I spend?

A good gift can be anything you think the couple will like! You can buy things off their registry or you can think up something all on your own! Housewares are traditional, but don’t feel confined by that if you have something else in mind. Money is okay too. Some people say it is crass, or something, but hey, everyone likes it, and in some regions it’s preferred! As for how much you spend, that is also up to you. “Covering your plate” is nonsense. Some people budget for weddings according to how close they are to the couple, some people spend a certain amount for any wedding, and some people just go with what’s in their budget at the time.If you can’t attend a wedding, you are not obligated to send a gift, especially if you aren’t close to the couple, but a nice card would be a great gesture.

Also feel free to chip in on a group gift with other friends. Just make sure everyone agrees upfront how much they can afford to chip in.

How do I know what they want?

Most couples will post their registries on their websites. TheKnot.com also compiles wedding registry information from most popular stores like Bed, Bath, and Beyond and Macy’s and you can search for the names of any engaged couple you know! This is a good place to check if the couple doesn’t have a website. It’s also perfectly fine to ask the bride and groom, a close friend of the couple, or their parents.

I went to their house and didn’t see the gift I gave them. Do they hate me?

First of all, couples get a TON of wedding presents, it’s possible they just haven’t put it out yet or have to store some things until they move to a bigger place. Also, even with a registry, people get duplicate gifts and might have to return one. Or maybe they realized they don’t NEED a pasta maker after all because they can barely boil water. Either way, once a gift is given, it is up to the receiver to do whatever they want with it. I’m sure they truly appreciated your happy thoughts and your gift.

What To Wear To That Formal Event (Which Is Probably A Wedding)

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Please, wear clothing. [Flickr user violet.blue]

Does anyone else get insanely excited about planning outfits to wear to a wedding? Or other formal event? I’m going to assume that most of the events you’re getting a formal invitation to are weddings, because if you’re getting invited to a ton of awards shows and other galas…you probably don’t need this post.

I know it can be a chore, but personally, I love getting dressed up. I love seeing my friends wearing ties. I love having an excuse to not just be wearing sneakers and a ponytail. So it’s fitting that I get excited when I see the dress code printed on an invitation.

Firstly, I want to say to anyone planning a wedding, engagement party, or otherwise “official” event–have a frickin’ dress code! Otherwise you may be inundated with calls from friends going “Is this purple dress ok? But I also have this blue one I really like, but that one is longer. And I never wear the purple one. But what are you wearing?” and it will make you want to punch all your friends. Explicitly stated dress codes mean you don’t have to talk to anyone, which really is our goal right?

Now, on to what to wear once you know the code.

Do not wear a wedding dress (men, this goes for you too).  Unless the invitation says to wear white, you want to steer clear of any type of white dress, even if it looks nothing like the bride’s gown. Though this rule only applies for our “traditional” American/European wedding ceremonies. My cousin wore a white dress to a family member’s wedding and it was fine…because the bride was wearing a red and gold sari. Don’t wear a red and gold sari to an Indian wedding.

What you wear really depends on what it says on the invitation, and the season. Usually the couple will specify something like “Black Tie” or “Cocktail Attire” on the invite, which should give you an idea of what to wear. Here are the basics for that.

White Tie: You will never go to a White Tie wedding. We can pretty much guarantee this. But if you do, men should wear an evening tailcoat tuxedo with a white bowtie. Women should wear a floor-length ballgown and usually elbow length gloves, and really elaborate hair/makeup/clothing. Good luck shopping. (I would also like to note that a Google Image search of “White Tie” brings up the suggestions “Fred Astaire,” “Downton Abbey,” and “Obama.” Interpret that how you will.)

Black Tie: This is the most formal wedding you will probably go to, which has men wearing tuxedos (sans tails) and women wearing either floor-length gowns or more formal cocktail dresses (think darker colors, satins and silks, etc.). Think red carpet gala for clothing inspiration.

Black Tie Optional: This is most likely what the wedding you’re going to is, and IT SUCKS. PEOPLE, STOP PUTTING “BLACK TIE OPTIONAL” ON YOUR INVITATIONS. For men it’s fine; they either get to wear a tuxedo or a dark suit, which pretty much every man has. But for women’s attire, The Knot suggests “A long dress, a dressy suit, or a formal cocktail-length dress.” That is literally every possible clothing option, and it’s infuriating. You can’t go wrong with a nice cocktail dress in a deep color, though. But seriously, either put Black Tie or Cocktail Attire on your invitations, and stop the madness.

Cocktail Attire: This is what people most likely want when they say “Black Tie Optional” but they don’t know about it, so NOW YOU KNOW. It may also be written as Semiformal or Dressy Casual. This means a dark suit for men, and a cocktail dress for women, which is pretty much exactly what everyone thinks of when they think of what people wear to a wedding.

The main differences in these attire suggestions concern the time of day and the season. Most people do not host a daytime Black Tie wedding, because making women sweat in heavy satin dresses in the sun is a mean thing to do (on this note, according to Official Etiquette, tuxedos should never be worn before 6pm, but omg who cares anymore). So consider the information on the rest of the invitation. Is this going to be a winter wedding? Think darker colors and thicker fabrics. Outdoors in July? Lighter fabrics work better, in a brighter color or pattern. A blouse and skirt combo also works for this for women, and men can go for lighter fabrics and colors too in the summer, like light grey or blue.

There are a slew of others, from “Creative Black Tie” to “Evening Resort” to “Festive Attire.” Some may ask you to wear a specific color, or dress to a certain theme. Sometimes there are even costume changes. One person we know said it was tradition in his community to wear suits to the wedding ceremony, then change into jeans and t-shirts for the reception. When in doubt, ask! If a couple is asking for a specific, more non-traditional dress code, they’re probably ready to receive some questions about it.

A Note on Black for Women: Wearing black to a wedding is still a tricky subject. My mother-in-law enthusiastically told me to wear a black cocktail dress to my sister-in-law’s black tie optional wedding, but in many circles, black is an absolute no. “But UC!” you cry, “I have just the cutest black dress in the world, and I need to wear it because it makes my legs look fantastic and I need to bang one of the groomsmen!” Use your best judgment! If you’re running with a more traditional and conservative crowd, then perhaps not, but if it’s a chic evening wedding in the city, go for it! To be on the safe side, dress it up with colorful or sparkly accessories. You just don’t want to look like you’re going to a funeral.

What To Do When You Find Yourself In An Argument

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argument-irrelevant

Just make puns! Everyone loves puns!

Growing up, my grandpa always said you should never discuss money, politics, or religion at the dinner table. As a young New Yorker who was used to every conversation eventually becoming a discussion of how much you paid in rent, I was pretty sure that this left nothing to be discussed but the weather and perhaps the nice color of the wood on the floor. However, there is something to be said for not bringing up wildly divisive topics in diverse company. For instance, I would have no problem discussing transsexual porn at a meal with close friends (this has happened), but you probably don’t want to bring this up with your parents’ friends (who were at the lunch table when this happened, oops).

Conversation is a tricky thing, and what may seem like an obviously neutral topic to you may soon become a heated discussion. If you find yourself here, there are a few ways to tackle it.

1. Run awaaaaaay

This works best when you’re at a large party, or anywhere with ample distractions. At my family Christmas party a few years ago, my fiance and I were speaking to one of my uncles about Obamacare. Soon, another family member came up to us and began to argue about socialism. Quickly, my fiance and I looked at each other, and politely excused ourselves to refill our wine glasses. We were never seen again. (JK we basically hung out in the living room until my uncle showed up an hour later and was like “YOU BAILED ON ME!” and we were like “Dude, we were not getting into that.”)

2. Change the Subject

A nice way of doing this is to find a neutral kernel within the tricky subject and focus your comments on that. Let’s say I was stuck in a conversation with someone who didn’t share my views on legalizing marijuana, and who was becoming very vocal about that. I could perhaps transition that into talking about the episode of “True Life” I saw about smoking pot, and then mention how I’m a sucker for trash TV, and then ask if she watches “What Not To Wear.” Try not to say much, and listen for an opening into a topic that won’t get you both so riled up.

This is old advice. According to A Gentleman’s Guide to Etiquette by Cecil B. Hartley, published in 1875, “Even if convinced that your opponent is utterly wrong, yield gracefully, decline further discussion, or dexterously turn the conversation, but do not obstinately defend your own opinion until you become angry.”

But easier said than done, right? I mean, you’re never going to know what someone’s trigger subjects are. Maybe this person hates Clinton Kelly with a fiery passion and this sends the whole thing into a tailspin. One trick is to turn to things in the present. Discuss the beautiful Christmas tree, or a friend’s lovely necklace, or the host’s great selection of beer. Hell, discuss the nice color of the wood on the floor. I’ll concede that it’s better than arguing about abortion.

3. Politely Disagree

The thing you need to know about arguments is that there is pretty much no chance you are going to change someone’s mind. You may have all logic and evidence on your side, but parties, dinners, business meetings, etc. are not the place to convince someone that tattoos are not a sign of moral inferiority, even if you’re totally right. A quick “I’m going to have to disagree with you on that” in a light tone usually suffices, if followed by a brand new topic. If you’re pushed to explain why you disagree, you can give an example (“I know plenty of friends who have tattoos who have great careers/I have a tattoo and I’m not a monster”), but keep the focus on personal experience, not why the other person is Objectively Wrong.

Of course, some people are just looking for a fight, in which case it’s perfectly acceptable to be a bit more forward and say something like “I really don’t feel like talking about this right now.” And if they get upset, return to Step 1 and walk away, knowing full well that they’re the rude ones for pushing the issue.

How To Not Make An Ass Of Yourself At The Dinner Table

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This is why the "no elbows on the table" thing. (via)

This is why the “no elbows on the table” thing. (via)

So many things can go wrong when dining socially, but if you keep these basic ideas in mind you won’t have to worry about embarrassing yourself:

  • Don’t put your elbows on the table while you are eating. (Fun exercise: Sit up straight at a table and try to cut and eat your food while resting your elbows. It’s impossible anyway!) Between courses is fine though- such as when the main meal has been cleared but you are waiting for dessert and are really engaged in conversation with someone.

  • Don’t butter your whole roll- put a pat of butter on the bread plate, and break off sections of the roll and butter them individually.

  • Don’t chew with your mouth open.

  • Do use your utensils except for very dry foods like bread, or in more casual situations. You’ll probably look like an idiot trying to eat chicken wings with your fork and knife at Hooters.

  • Do ask for things to be passed to you instead of grabbing them.

  • Do pass the salt and pepper together.

  • Do remember that your bread plate is to your left, drink is to your right.

  • Do use good cell phone etiquette. We’ll discuss this more later, but we have to mention that your phone has no place at the dinner table (unless in an extremely casual setting), and if it’s an emergency to properly excuse yourself from the table

  • Don’t feel awkward about “grace.” You may be asked to say grace when dining in a religious home or at a holiday dinner. There are a number of well known graces you can say if you feel comfortable, but a general thanking of the host and talking about the beauty of the food is fine. If you want more of a “grace” feel, you could try this secularized version: “for what we are about to receive, let us be truly thankful. Amen.” If someone else is saying grace, follow along with everyone else and either bow your head or join hands respectfully and either say amen at the end, or say nothing.

  • Do wait until everyone has been seated and served before beginning to eat

  • Do put your napkin on your lap. If you get up from the table, leave your napkin on your chair, but when you finish your meal, place your napkin loosely at the side of your plate.

  • Do put your fork and knife together on the plate with the handles at the 4 o’clock position when you are finished eating.

You would think that a lot of these would be so obvious they don’t need to be said. But I once attended a sorority luncheon at a fancy restaurant and one of the girls ate her fully dressed salad with her fingers, so you never know. That being said, I eat most of my meals sitting on my couch in my tiny apartment, so when you are alone you are permitted to eat like an animal!

A note for parents:

I am not a parent and am therefore hesitant to give advice, but I am going to anyway! Kids can have good table manners even from an early age but it does take a LOT of repetition and practice. In my family we ate dinner at the table every night, often with candles and classical music. Table manners were strictly enforced and by the time my sister and I were 11 or 12, we could happily sit through three course meals at some extremely nice and expensive restaurants. Practice at home and then occasionally take your kids out to a restaurant with waiters and real plates for them to practice using their good manners in public. Then they won’t end up as the college girl who eats salad with her fingers in public!

Help, I Got My Hands All Over Everything In Chipotle

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This is definitely what your hands look like (via)

This is definitely what your hands look like (via)

Dear Uncommon Courtesy,

I’m in Chipotle today and I accidentally pick up two drink covers. Which of the two should I take and which should I leave? Is it more polite to leave the top or the bottom? Essentially, I guess, is how much of your hand ends up disturbing whichever side?

Guide me, and the internet, through this difficult dilemma. Also, please god tell me Emily Post has something in this vicinity because that would own.

Sincerely,

Germy in Chipotle

OFFICIAL ETIQUETTE

Unfortunately, Emily Post hasn’t covered this particular issue yet- all the more reason for us to do so! The closest she comes is telling you to leave a dropped fork on the floor for the waiter to clean up later.

OUR TAKE

Victoria: I think if you have only touched the top lid and can manage to shake off the bottom one without touching it, that’s good. I bet the restaurant (and some germophobes I know) would prefer if you just took them both if you really have touched them and throw the extra out.

Jaya: I generally assume everything I touch in any fast food establishment is covered with other people’s hands. I think that’s just how it works? But also yeah, put back the bottom one. Or recycle it! Go green!

Victoria: There’s a difference between assuming it and potentially seeing it. Restaurants are also generally trigger happy in just throwing away anything that might be a problem. I, personally, would still leave the bottom one.

Jaya: Though also, is this a soda lid? Because your mouth would never touch that, so I don’t think it’s a huge deal if someone’s finger was on the side of it? If it’s a coffee lid where you’d put your mouth too it that’s different. Also depending on where he touched it, maybe put back the top one, since the only way germs would get in your soda with that kind of top is if he touched the underneath, which the bottom lid would be blocking. So the top one would still be “safe.” Omg this is so intense.

Victoria: That’s true, but the straw goes through the top of the lid dragging the germs down into the soda! I’m kidding because that is crazy talk. Maybe this is more one of those “this is how you peel an orange with a fork” type questions. Avoid the situation by gently grasping the side of the lid and lightly shaking to make sure you only pick up the top lid.

Jaya: Remove the soda lids with a fork. Wear gloves everywhere. Never touch anything. Die alone.