Tag Archives: Etiquette

Some Polite New Year’s Resolutions

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Pop some champagne and let’s resolve to be better people this year.
[via Wikimedia Commons]

While you are coming up with your 2014 New Year’s resolutions, why not consider resolving to be more polite and considerate in the coming year? You’re already ahead of the game by reading this website!

Some ideas:

  • Write thank you notes in a timely manner.
  • Be more aware of people who might need a seat on the subway and offer yours to them.
  • Be cheerful and polite when dealing with others, especially in the service industry. Say please and thank you.
  • Finally learn which bread plate is yours! (Hint, it’s on the left).
  • RSVP for every event you are invited to.
  • Maybe this year you will be on time for everything.

Tell us your New Year’s Resolutions (polite or otherwise) in the comments!

Can I Hand Out Tissues to Strangers?

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Spread tissues throughout the land and you too might get your own postage stamp.
By USPS [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Dear Women Ladies,

After a particularly harrowing experience in 2nd grade where Ms. Cipriani didn’t have a box of tissues at her desk, I’ve always carried a pouch of pocket tissues on my person where ever I go. This resource became known throughout high school as I would happily dole out a mini-Kleenex tissue to anyone in my area with the sniffles. Now I ride the subway to work every day and am surrounded by strangers doing the last-gasp hard snffffpphh every thirty seconds in a desperate bid to keep the viscous waterfall from cascading down their noses, horrifying themselves and any small children in the vicinity.

My first instinct is to help and offer the tissues, but this seems like its own social gaff: eavesdropping on someone as they sniff; offering help to someone who might not want it; making them feel like scumbags in a moment of weakness, essentially saying “oh God ,you horrible snot-filled monster, please, for the sake of decent society, take some fucking tissues before you make the rest of us civilized folk gag, you uncaged, ravenous animal!!”

So, how do I politely help my fellow human people, countesses of courtesy?

– Johnny Tissueseed

Official Etiquette:

Miss Manners says it is good to offer a tissue to a crying stranger. She also doesn’t oppose offering a tissue to a coughing or sniffling stranger.

Anna Post, of the Emily Post Institute, says it’s fine to hand out tissues to strangers.

I had thought that older etiquette required that men relinquish their handkerchiefs to any damsel in need, but a perusal of old etiquette books did not support this theory.

Our Take:

Victoria: This question! So adorable I could die, but I also don’t know the answer.

Jaya: Haha I know! Well okay, I think if I were the sneezy person, I would like being offered a tissue.

Victoria: Totally.

Jaya: I think of it like offering a seat to someone who clearly needs it. Some old people are gonna get offended like “why do you think I’m so old I need a seat?!” but i think most 80 year olds would appreciate it.

Victoria:You can ask nicely, like, “would you care for a tissue?” So you don’t imply they are gross. Tone is important here, I think.

Jaya: Definitely. you need to make sure it’s an offer, not a requirement. Though, from that person’s standpoint, what do you do when you blow your nose? Just put it in your pocket?

Victoria: Just… whatever you would do if you remembered to carry tissues anyway. But yeah, put it in your pocket.

Jaya: But on the subway specifically there’s no place to throw it out! Okay, i guess that’s alright. Eeewwwwww.

Victoria: Let’s make UC handkerchiefs and hand them out on the subway.

Jaya: Hahahahaha

A Discussion of Gift Giving

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Presents! [via Wikimedia Commons and GFDL]

For something as ubiquitous as gift giving at Christmas, there certainly are a lot of different ways to do it. We talked about some different ways we do gifts and the etiquette involved, but we would love to hear how you do gifts, in the comments!

Victoria: So Christmas is coming up, and that means buying presents!

Jaya:  Oh how do you do them? I mainly suck at giving gifts.

Victoria:  So I pretty much only buy stuff for my sister, my parents, and my grandmother. For all my friends, I do some kind of homemade thing. Last year I made jam. This year…I’m not telling because I haven’t given you yours yet!

Have you ever been in a group that did Secret Santas or like, a present exchange. or white elephant?

Jaya:  Some friends of mine and I actually do that, there’s this sort of automatic Secret Santa site that you put your names in and it assigns you someone. And it’s useful because instead of getting gifts for everyone you just have to do one person, so cheaper, and still nice. Last year I got two really good books, and I gave a cute vintage clutch.

Victoria:  Oooh that sounds awesome. I think if a friend group really wants to do more than token gifts, some kind of exchange is the way to go. It’s fun but it doesn’t cost TOO much money.

Jaya:  Exactly. I think we have like a $25 cap, but we’d probably stay within that anyway.

Victoria:  Yeah, then everyone gets something nice that they’d really enjoy but you don’t end up spending insane amounts of money on presents for people.

What do you think about a situation where one person gives another a present and doesn’t get a present in return?

Do you feel pressure to then go out and get one?

Jaya:  I mean, the nature of gifts is that they’re gifts, right? You give them out of love, not out of the expectation that you get another one.

Victoria:  Exactly!

Jaya:  Though with a holiday like Christmas, where the idea is gift giving, maybe that changes.

Victoria:  And I would feel terrible if my friends thought they had to get me something because I made them some jam.

I mean, its jam, it’s not a big deal.

And I do it because I like doing it!

Jaya:  But your jams are so good!

Victoria: Haha, thanks.

How do you open presents on Christmas morning in your family? Do you all tear in or do you open one at a time in turns?

Jaya:  We take turns, and draw it out. Basically you open your stockings as soon as you get up, and tear into that. And then we have breakfast, and then after breakfast is tree presents time.

Victoria:  Us too!!!

Jaya:  Aww yay! It was always torture waiting for breakfast to end as a kid but now I like waiting.

Victoria:  It always seemed the more “polite” way to me too, because then you have time to properly admire each gift and thank the giver.

Jaya:  Exactly. And easier to record things for thank you notes.

Victoria:  Exactly!

Jaya:  My grandma always kept the list, now my mom does.

Friday the Thirteenth and Superstition Etiquette

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Sir Winston!

How could you ever think this adorable face could cause you bad luck? (Photo courtesy Ellen Pratt)

Today is Friday the 13th, so we thought it would be fun to discuss etiquette and superstitions.

The most important rule for dealing with superstitions and superstitious people is that though superstitions can seem irrational, they are a big deal to the people who believe in them. So, don’t make fun of someone for their superstitions (making fun of people is bad manners any time!).

If you, yourself, have some superstitions, don’t feel that you have to hide them. However, don’t get angry if someone inadvertently does something like throw a black cat across your path. They probably don’t realize it will bother you. Be more concerned with why this person is running around with a sack full of black cats and throwing them everywhere.

Some etiquette related superstitions:

  • Some people consider it bad luck to give knives as a gift. Giving something that cuts can “sever” the relationship between the giver and the giftee. To avoid this happening, the giftee should “buy” the knives from the giver for a token amount, such as a penny. Some people will even include a penny with the knives for the giftee to give back. It’s pretty common, so don’t be surprised to find a penny in a set of gifted knives.

  • If you spill salt at the table, throw a pinch over your left shoulder to scare the devil away.

  • Opening an umbrella inside the house brings bad luck (or pokes someone’s eye out! Safety is an important part of etiquette rules).

  • Apparently some people think it is bad luck to sing at the table. This makes sense for etiquette since singing also prevents others from talking and is possibly annoying.

  • Drop a fork, a woman will visit. Drop a knife, a man will visit. Drop a spoon, a child will visit. Better change the sheets on the guest bed and be a good host!

For Americans, superstitions are quaint customs and don’t really influence etiquette all that much. Interestingly, in my research, it appears that in other countries, superstitions are much more influential on everyday etiquette.

  • In many Asian cultures, as white is the color of death, it is very important to never give gifts wrapped in white paper and to avoid white flowers.

  • In Greek Orthodox wedding ceremonies it is considered good luck to spit (fake spit!) on the bride as she comes up the aisle.

  • In Italy, the evil eye is a major superstition, especially for babies. If you compliment a baby, it is best to say “without the evil eye” afterwards so the mother doesn’t think you are cursing the baby.

  • In India, cash gifts on any occasion always have an extra note (51 rupees, 101 rupees…) to bring good luck.

  • In Ireland it’s bad luck to stumble in a graveyard; if you stumble and touch the ground you will die by the end of the year. If a pregnant woman steps on a grave her child will be born with a club foot, unless she kneels and makes a cross across her foot three times.

What do you think would be the right word for having a phobia of etiquette? Etiquetteaphobia? Postphobia? Seems like it’s a pretty common phobia, with all the bad manners out there!

 

The Best Way To Miss a Thank You Note

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Little Miss LateWe talk a lot about thank you notes here, because really, if you have to choose one thing in your life to do that’s polite, thanking people should be it. You can use a spoon for a fork and argue about politics and never offer to bring a bottle of wine to a party, but if you thank someone for the pleasure of their company, you’ll probably still be considered a nice person. Actually, who knows, the person I just described sounds like sort of a dick, but thanking people is still important!

One of the biggest thanking tasks adults face is thanking guests after a big event, and for most people this means a wedding. Currently, the median age at first marriage is around 29 for American men, 27 for American women, so plenty old enough to have mastered a thank you note and know that they should be sent timely. But guess what else happens around age 28? Graduating from grad school. Having enough money to buy a home. Pursuing an active career. Maybe a kid happened, or a parent died, or you moved across the country. Life doesn’t stop for weddings!

Which is why this belated thank you note package makes me so happy.

I recieved this from two friends who got married in March 2012 and had not yet sent out thank you notes. Honestly I didn’t notice, because we’d seen them many times since and always talked about what a good time we had together on that day. But the other day we received a rather thick envelope from them, which included a card that began “Thank you for your patience…” It reads:

To our wonderful family and friends,

Between New Year’s Day 2011 and now we have had: a grad school graduation, a wedding, a giant honeymoon to the other side of the world, several job changes, and more. Through all of that, we had all of these cards sitting at our house waiting…and waiting…and waiting…to be mailed, and it just didn’t happen, because well, we failed. We have owed these to you for quite some time and wanted to take advantage of this opportunity to correct our error. Hope you are doing well, and happy…Veteran’s Day?

Inside were personal thank you notes, photos, holiday cards, etc., all which had clearly been written at the time they should have been sent. Honestly, it was fantastic. You know how we questioned whether someone would feel loved and appreciated getting a thank you note a year later? Well, I did!

The key is, though, that they acknowledged their missteps. If they had just sent a card a year later it would be one thing, but clearly they felt a little bad and wanted to remind everyone they cared. That’s what this whole thing is about. So kudos to the couple, for knowing how to make someone feel thanked.