Tag Archives: bridesmaids

Just Say No To Attending Weddings (when you can’t go)

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There has been a bit of a backlash against the insanity of weddings lately, with a couple of blog posts coming out about people finding it too expensive and time consuming to be part of the bridal party or even just a regular guest.

Jezebel has discovered that Americans spend almost $600 PER wedding. They justifiably find that nuts, but seem to be placing the blame on the couple getting married.

A Practical Wedding published an advice column where a woman was asking how to get out of being a bridesmaid ever. Without having actually been asked or discussed what the costs might be with the bride.

 

What people need to understand, is that you absolutely can turn down invitations to weddings and even requests to be a bridesmaid or groomsman.

We had a great conversation about why people are feeling the pinch and why you shouldn’t feel guilty about saying no.

Jaya: I actually saw some comments that I thought related to it on APW. A long time ago APW had this piece about how “your wedding is not an imposition,” and guests can be big kids and decide whether or not they can come, and some people in the comments were like “some weddings are impositions!”

Victoria: HahahaI mean, I guess I can see how a very few family weddings might put you in a tight spot. Like say your sister decides to get married in Timbuktu and you are expected to be there, and pay, and pay for all the expensive bridesmaid stuff, but for the vast majority of weddings, you can say NO.

Jaya: Definitely. I feel like there are tiers. There are friends/family where I’d do anything they want, and there are friends where if it’s anything more than a weekend a short drive/cheap flight away, I won’t. Is that awful of me? Omg no one should separate out friends like that.

Victoria: I mean, you have to! Our time, vacation, and money are finite resources. Sometimes you might be able to fly across the country for your childhood best friend who you haven’t seen in 5 years, and sometimes you can’t. And I think people understand that. I mean, are you having situations in your own wedding where people can’t come for various reasons?

Jaya: Definitely, and it’s all understandable! One friend is taking her exams at medical school in Israel, another has a 6-month old baby and has a hard time traveling.

Victoria: Right, and that’s all totally understandable and you are okay with it.

Jaya: Absolutely. Of course I want my friends there. If I didn’t I wouldn’t have invited them, but everyone has their own shit in their lives. Like please, become a doctor! That is really important!

Victoria: Right, that’s why I was so surprised reading that RSVP thread on APW where people were actually offended that people they invited couldn’t come, and were saying it was a reflection on their future relationship. I think that is not a good attitude to have,for me it treads into bridezilla territory.

Jaya: Even if a friend just said they couldn’t afford it, or some other smaller reason, that’s fine.

Victoria: Right! It was funny to me too, when people say they were hurt when their declining guests gave no reason that they couldn’t come, when proper etiquette says that you should never give a reason. I mean, it’s fine to send a note saying they wish they could come but can’t because ____ but it is also fine to just send regrets and a card and/or gift.

Jaya: People just feel the need to justify everything these days. Okay, so, with Jezebel, the thing that struck me is wording like “request to spend a luxurious weekend getaway’s worth of time and money on someone else’s event.” That “someone else” is, presumably, someone you know and like! Do you think of going to birthday parties as “now I gotta go to dinner for someone else’s event”? No, it’s a fucking party for a friend!

Victoria: And I think for the most part, it’s not that they are having a particularly extravagant wedding, it’s that there’s a really good chance everyone’s friends are spread out across the country and so you do have to fly to get there, and stay in a hotel, and rent a car.

Jaya: Exactly. There’s a difference between a week-long destination wedding on a remote island, and just asking you to fly to Boston for a weekend because that’s where they live.

Victoria: Yep, and thems the breaks. So you do have to make a call on your own of what you can afford to do.

Jaya: Like, you wanna go back to when everyone had one friend because you never left your town? Cool.

Victoria: If you know you are tight on funds and are pretty sure your besssst friend will be getting married in the next year, maybe don’t go to the wedding of an acquaintance that will cost you $500. And all these people who are saying they have to buy a new dress for each event, and shoes, and spend $100 on a gift, STOP. You do not need to do any of those things.

Jaya: You don’t! Hell even you were talking about buying new dresses and ahhh you are so pretty already don’t do anything else!

Victoria: Hahahah! I am actually not buying a new dress because I couldn’t find one I liked. But anyway, I would like to see a new trend where couples and their guests do consider the travel expense to the wedding to BE the gift.

Jaya: Yesss. If any of our guests taking any more than a subway to get to us don’t feel like getting us a present, I’m totally fine. Hell even subway people don’t have to get us gifts, it’s not for gifts. Except for you, Victoria. Will your gift be covering your plate?

Victoria: Hahaha, I don’t know, because I don’t know how much my plate costs because it seems very rude to me to be adding up what people spend on things.

Jaya: I’ll leave you a receipt on your plate.

Victoria: That would be very helpful, thanks

Jaya: And some people say “I just feel uncomfortable saying no” and that is not the married couple’s fault.

Victoria: Hahah, yeah! Saying no is fun! Learn to love it! Oh and a good point, don’t forget that you DO need to RSVP either way..

Jaya: Absolutely. I think some of this frustration comes from wedding-related events, which we’ve talked about before. As a bride, I had to make it pretty clear, over and over, that I did not want any extra parties. And there are all sorts of factors. Sometimes brides want them. Sometimes bridesmaids feel like they have to throw them, and brides feel like they have to have them, and no one says what they really want.

Victoria: And I will say, as someone close to you, I did keep checking just to make sure you hadn’t changed your mind and weren’t being falsely modest (which is pretty dumb because that is not you) but there is such a cultural expectation.

Jaya: There is! Even if the person getting married has given no indication that they would ever want something like that, people tend to think getting married magically transforms you.Because in some cases it does transform an otherwise normal person into a crazy person. But mostly I think everyone just feels like there’s this really strange thing they have to live up to. Sometimes I think this is just a case of people not understanding how reality works, as vague as that sounds. Like, if you are getting married away from where a majority of your friends/family live, then you run the risk of more people not being able to make it. Just a fact of life, no one’s fault.

Victoria: Yeah, not to mention the whole growing up in one place, going to college thousands of miles from there, and then living as an adult in yet a third place that is again thousands of miles from both of those places (this is my life) then you are going to be stuck with a LOT of people having to travel or not make it (pre-emptive apologies to everyone, if I ever do get married.)

Jaya: Yes! Also, lots of people have destination weddings for the specific reasons that they can send lots of invites but not have many people come. Not a great loophole, but if I got married in Hawaii I would not expect 130 people to be there. I just got Jen Doll’s book about going to tons of weddings, I’m curious to see what she says about it.

Victoria: Yeah, it sounds interesting. With that many weddings attended, I do wonder if she has ever said no?

 

The Care and Keeping of Wedding Attendants

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While I appreciate the trend for tasteful bridesmaids dresses, the world seems less rich without dresses like this.

While I appreciate the trend for tasteful bridesmaids dresses, the world seems less rich without dresses like these.

Etiquette has nothing to say about how many wedding attendants you have, whether they are the same gender of the half of the couple they are standing up for, what you ask them to wear, all of that is optional and completely up to you, no judgments.

However, if you do have attendants, here are some things to keep in mind.

  • The only job of an attendant is to wear what you tell them to wear and stand up with you during your ceremony. While showers, bachelor/ette parties are duties that are traditionally and frequently arranged by the wedding party, they are absolutely not required and you can’t throw a fit if your attendants choose not to do so for whatever reason.
  • In the US, you can ask that the wedding party cover the cost of their attire/hair/make up even if you are picking it out. But you should be upfront about the potential cost and be understanding if someone needs to drop out because they can’t afford it.
  • Special gifts for the wedding party aren’t required, but they are very nice. A big thank you IS required.
  • Remember, these people are doing you a huge favor and you need to treat them respectfully throughout the whole process.
  • During the ceremony, you can have them perform certain duties such as holding the bouquet/rings and helping to arrange the dress before walking down and then back up the aisle.
  • Did you know that traditionally the groomsmen other than the Best Man were called Ushers and they would actually help usher guests to their seats before the ceremony?
  • While you can make your attendants wear pretty much anything you want, you should take their thoughts and feelings into consideration.
  • You can expect that you attendants show up on time and ready to go for the rehearsal and on the wedding day itself.

Now it is not unreasonable that you will want help and support from the people who are supposed to be your best friends and that you will want them to go above and beyond what etiquette requires of them. You just need to talk to them before they agree to be part of your wedding party and see what their expectations and abilities are and if they align with what you want and need. See this really excellent post about the management of a wedding party on Offbeat Bride for more ideas.

Help! My Bride Wants Me To Participate In Cultural Appropriation!

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cultural-appropriation-in-France

Ok seriously what is up with this Orangina? [Via]

Dear Uncommon Courtesy,

My friend asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding, which I’m really excited to do. However, she wants all of us to wear kimonos. She loves a lot of Japanese culture and spent some time there, but neither she nor the groom have any Japanese heritage, and to me this sort of feels like cultural appropriation. How do I deal with this, given that I’ve already agreed to be her bridesmaid?

Best,

Hopefully Staying Respectful

OFFICIAL ETIQUETTE

The Emily Post Institute lists the top responsibility of a wedding attendant as “pay for their wedding attire and accessories,” though they say nothing of who gets the choose said attire. The general protocol is that it’s the bride’s choice, though a polite bride should always take her attendant’s opinions into account.

OUR TAKE

Victoria: Maybe we should first explain what cultural appropriation is and why it’s bad.

Jaya: Yes. But that is so difficult! For a lot of people I think there is a huge grey area between enthusiastic cultural exchange and one-sided cultural appropriation, which is where these issues happen. To this bride, I’m sure this is a way to honor her love of Japanese culture. But to others, it may come off as unfair appropriation.

Victoria: True.

Jaya: To me, it involves this idea of someone in a more privileged position utilizing an element of a marginalized culture without experiencing or understanding that marginalization. This is a good post on it, and I like this quote in particular: “It’s a matter of telling people that they don’t wear things in a vacuum and there are many social and historical implications to treating marginalized cultures like costumes.” Here’s another good conversation about it. This is not to say there can’t be any cultural exchange, just that if you’re doing it, you have to work for it, not just use it however you want because it “looks cool.” What that “work” looks like will depend on a number of variables, but it has to be there.

Victoria: Right, a big part of this is using important cultural symbols as “decoration.” For instance, I think it would be fine if the bride were Japanese and asked her non-Japanese bridesmaids, or guests, to wear traditional Japanese clothing. Because in that instance she is asking people to share her culture with her.

Jaya: Definitely. I’ve been to weddings like that, where one of the couple is of another culture than the majority of the guests, and asked everyone to dress up in that culture’s “traditional” clothing.

Victoria: So what do you do if the bride wants you to participate in this?

Jaya: I think she should first ask the bride why she’s doing this, and then maybe explain her reservations.

Victoria: Absolutely, and explaining is important. I feel like awareness of cultural appropriation is still, unfortunately, new. Some people need it spelled out for them.

Jaya: I think a lot of people really are convinced doing things like this are nice ways of being “colorblind” and “international,” not realizing that glosses over so many issues. I can see how it happens though. Maybe this bride spent a few years living in Japan, fell in love with a culture (as so often happens) and now feels this connection that she wants to incorporate, not seeing how it comes off.

Victoria: Yeah, it’s a nice thought, but no. The only way I can see an event like that working as “international” is if you invited guests to wear traditional clothing from their culture, if they wanted.

Jaya: That would be nice. But yeah, maybe HSR can suggest alternatives. Serving Japanese food is always a great option, or incorporating a reading from a Japanese writer or poet.

Victoria: Oooh totally! But if the bride is still being stubborn, I think you are well justified in bowing out as an attendant.

Jaya: Yes, this is bigger than the bride putting you in a dress you don’t like. If it goes against your belief system and makes you uncomfortable, don’t do it. Maybe it’ll shock the bride into realizing what she’s doing. Or maybe she’ll flip out and not want to be friends anymore.

Victoria: Yeah, that is for sure a risk you will be taking. But why would you want someone who is that insensitive as a friend anyway?

Jaya: Haha oh no! Man, the line is so thin though, especially with things like westerners connecting to traditinally non-western cultures or even religions. Though that is no longer etiquette. Unless socio-political interactions are etiquette. Which, sorta?

Victoria: Everything is etiquette to a certain extent.

Jaya: Ugh, just don’t treat another culture’s regular form of dress as a costume.

Victoria: That’s what this boils down to! Even if that culture is really important and meaningful to you, it is still likely just a costume to you. We should also mention that this applies for things like Halloween as well.

Jaya: Yess. Unless someone from that culture is asking you to wear it, maybe don’t do it. Like, I went to my Indian cousin’s wedding, so I wore a sari. But if you invited us over to your house for a party and asked us to dress like Native Americans for fun, I would not come to your house.

Victoria: Omg, I wouldn’t come to my house if I did that.