How Many Thank Yous for Baby Gifts?

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Dear Uncommon Courtesy,
I am in the final weeks awaiting the arrival of my first child. My Aunt sent us gifts early in the pregnancy for our baby and we sent a thank you note promptly. She has since sent another round of gifts and I’m not sure if a second thank you note is required? Apparently, she also intends to send us a quilt, so should I wait for that? What’s the etiquette here for many gifts with months in between… ? 

Thanks, guys!

Victoria: So with the baby gifts, I think you should just go ahead and send a note for each gift that arrives, even if you know that there are more coming. Thank you notes take almost no time, I wrote one today in about two minutes.

Jaya: That’s true, though I think it’s kind of strange for the aunt to be sending “rounds” of gifts. My idea would be that the first ty note is nice, and for subsequent gifts close together, a phone call would do? Because maybe it was something like the Aunt bought a bunch of stuff on Amazon and they sent them out when they were in-stock, so they’re coming piecemeal.

Victoria: Oooh yeah, that’s a good idea. Although, people get even more zany about babies than they do about weddings, so she might just be going overboard.

Jaya: That’s true, but also I’d hope that, as stressed as married couples are, people know pregnant people are even more stressed, and maybe don’t feel like writing notes all the time. Though yeah, it doesn’t take long. I mean obviously if you want to handwrite a note for everything go ahead.

Victoria: It really doesn’t, and you probably aren’t getting that many gifts. I would def send a note for a handmade gift like a quilt though. My mom does a lot of beautifully crafted handmade gifts and she gets super annoyed when she doesn’t get properly thanked for them.

Jaya: Yeah. It certainly depends on the gift. But if you get a pack and play and send a note for that, and then two weeks later get some onesies, I think you can phone it. And just be thankful for how generous the person is being.

Victoria: Yessss, definitely. and like, again, when baby is born, maybe send a quick email with a photo of them using the gift. It is fairly low effort and you are probably taking a million pictures of baby anyway.

The Power of An Apology

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Leo knows.

Leo knows.

I’ve been noticing lately just how much of a difference an apology makes. It seems like one of those things like please and thank you where, it’s nice to hear but it doesn’t make THAT much difference in your feelings about a situation. But recently, I decided, it actually DOES make a big difference.

I’ve been in several situations where I’ve been irritated by something another commuter, or even a friend, does. And sometimes, these situations really put you on a path towards a bad mood. Like say a friend has made a commitment to doing something for you and then they don’t. You might be bottling it up and feeling really bad towards your friend. Then one day, they say, “hey, I’m really sorry I haven’t done that thing.” Even if their reason is bad, you automatically feel so much better because you feel a bit justified for having your feelings recognized. It’s a very lightening feeling.

Plus, when someone apologizes, even if it’s just for stepping on your toe on the subway, you get to accept the apology and move on rather than stewing about the rude person on the train all day.

So even though it seems SO trivial, please make an effort to give real and sincere apologies when you are in the wrong. It really makes a difference and makes the world a more pleasant place.

Office Kitchen Etiquette

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Platonic ideal of an office fridge at the end of the day. [Via Wikimedia Commons]

Platonic ideal of an office fridge at the end of the day. [Via Wikimedia Commons]

The office kitchen is often the cause of the greatest strain among coworkers. People steal other peoples food, people don’t wash dishes, the refrigerator is disgusting, and everyone gets fed up. Some simple rules will make everyone much happier:

  • Use the fridge for only the food you will eat that day. Bring your lunch, put it in the fridge, eat it, and bring everything home at the end of the day. Repeat. If you aren’t using the fridge for long term storage, food doesn’t have a chance to rot and make things disgusting. Besides, depending on how many people are using that fridge, there probably isn’t enough room for everyone to store a ton of stuff, so don’t take more than your fair share of space!
  • Label your stuff. It might not prevent people from stealing if they were going to, but it will avoid accidental stealing! Plus, then your office manager will know who to come after when your labelled tupperware starts growing mold.
  • Practice good microwave etiquette. Use a cover so your food doesn’t splatter in the microwave. If it does splatter, wipe it up. Don’t leave your lunch sitting in the microwave when other people are waiting to use it. Avoid heating up extremely smelly food. Avoid burning popcorn. Some of the more uptight among us might add to clear the timer if you leave time on it (but this is asking a lot, I know.)
  • Clean up after yourself. When you finish preparing your food or eating if you eat in the kitchen too, make sure you clean up all wrappers, napkins etc. If you used any dishes, put them in the dishwasher (if you are lucky!) or hand wash them and put them away. Wipe up any crumbs. Unless you work at a very chi-chi office where there is someone whose actual job it is to clean up after everyone, then you MUST clean up after yourself!
  • Be considerate with office snacks. If you are truly lucky, maybe your office provides snacks for you. If so, don’t hog things (like taking 5 granola bars are once or something). Don’t take stuff and bring it home. Throw out empty containers (also don’t leave two chips in a bag and think that you don’t have to throw it out because it isn’t empty.) Clean up spills and crumbs.
  • Refill the coffee pot. If it is empty, make a new pot! If you have a pod machine, empty the pod catcher if it is full! If you have some sort of coffee buying club, follow the rules and contribute your fair share. If you aren’t in the club, don’t drink their coffee.
  • Communicate. If the fridge is running out of milk, sugar, paper towels, or whatever, let the person who refills them know! On the flip side, don’t leave passive aggressive notes about kitchen problems, bring them up to everyone at an appropriate time, such as a staff meeting.

Is It Okay to Attend an Acquaintance’s Burlesque Show?

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I saw Burlesque in theaters and definitely wanted it to be better.

I saw Burlesque in theaters and definitely wanted it to be better.

Hiya,

I have friends from high school, etc. who are now burlesque artists. We only see each occasionally, but I like supporting their careers with likes on Facebook. However, what is the etiquette on seeing their shows? Is it weird to have people you know in real life attend your burlesque?  I don’t know if you two know, but I trust you both to have a thoughtful answer.

Many thanks,
Don’t Want to be Weird

Victoria: Okay, so I don’t think it’s a big deal to go and see the shows.

Jaya: No. The whole point of public performance is, you know, public. But it may be different depending on whether the LW was invited to the show, or just saw it on Facebook.

Victoria: Yeah, that’s true. Being specifically invited is more welcoming. If you just see it, go once and see how the person reacts.

Jaya; Even if it’s one of those mass invites where you send it to all of your Facebook friends

Victoria: Yes, I think that signals that they don’t care who comes and are welcoming everyone.

Jaya: Yeah, and it makes it seem like LW it as least at an acquaintance level with the burlesque folks. I think it’s weirder if you haven’t talked to someone in 10 years and show up like “I saw this on FB”

Victoria: Hahah yeah, unless they are like, omg I just moved to town and I thought it would be great to see you again. Although, I suppose you could ask them to get coffee with you too. I’ve gone to plays and stuff for people I haven’t seen in a thousand years and it can be a nice way to meet up again. Just don’t monopolize their time at the event.

Jaya: Definitely, and I think some standard burlesque etiquette applies here–don’t objectify anyone, don’t make weird comments about their bodies or sex lives, etc.

Victoria: Yeah, and I would give the caveat that it’s going to be a lot weirder for a man you haven’t seen in ages to come to a random burlesque show than a women.

Jaya: Absolutely, if you’re a single man coming to a female FB friend’s burlesque show, consider bringing a woman along. And you know, doing your part to dismantle the patriarchy so women don’t have to be concerned about a single man’s presence in the first place.

Regional Wedding Traditions: Stag and Doe Parties

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Previously: Cake Pulls and Cookie Tables

A stag and doe party is a regional tradition found mostly in certain areas of Canada. The purpose of the party is to be a fundraiser for the wedding.

The basic premise is that the bridal party (including groomsmen) will throw the party, which charges an admission fee, charges for drinks, and has games and raffles and things, also for a small fee. The funds raised should cover the cost of the party and leave plenty left over for the bride and groom. The guest list is open to anyone, not just people who are invited to the actual wedding.

Despite my general hatred of people expecting their wedding guests to give them lavish presents, cover their plates, pay for drinks at a cash bar, money dances, and all other kinds of greedy wedding hoopla, I…actually think this is a pretty great idea if it’s already common in your social circle and people know what to expect (ie don’t spring it on your New York City friends who have never heard of such a thing.) Here’s why: while the event is connected to the wedding, it’s not thrown by the bride and groom. Also, I imagine this kind of thing might be more common in areas where there’s not a whole lot of nightlife, so this is probably a good way to get out of the house, have some fun, have some drinks, maybe win a raffle. However, not all Canadians are fond of this tradition.

Of course, like anything, there are polite and rude ways to go about doing it:

  • The party should always be thrown for the bride and groom, not by them.
  • Use it as a substitute for other wedding events, not in addition to them (say do a Stag and Doe but skip the engagement party. People get burned out on attending many events for the same couple)
  • Make it a really fun event that people WANT to attend so they don’t feel like it is just about the money. Have actually fun games and nice prizes.
  • Charge for booze, but have plenty of simple food and drinks for free.
  • Keep the ticket price fairly low or make it by donation.
  • Thank people for coming- maybe even do a big announcement during the event
  • Only only only have such a party if they are already what your social circle does. This is not going to come off well to people who don’t know what it’s about.
  • By no means pressure anyone to come or to spend more money than they are comfortable spending
  • If you are attending the party, keep in mind that it is a fundraiser, so come prepared to spend at least a little bit of money. Don’t just pay the entrance fee and then gorge on the free food/music/dancing.

For places where Stag and Does are attending by the whole community, it seems like a really nice way for everyone to support the couple, even if they wouldn’t be invited to the wedding, while getting a fun time in exchange. And honestly, it sounds way more fun than a shower where you are also spending a bunch of money, but instead of dancing, drinking, and playing games, you are sitting around politely watching someone else open presents.

Please tell me about other regional wedding traditions! Either in the comments or victoria@uncommon-courtesy.com!