Category Archives: Thank Goodness We Don’t Have To Do That Anymore

Thank Goodness We Don’t Have to Do That Anymore: Glove Etiquette

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Jackie Kennedy is, of course, a perfect example of glove wearing. [via Wikimedia Commons]

When I talk about glove etiquette, I am not talking about your winter gloves and mittens. Those you can do whatever you want with, no one cares. But if you choose to wear old school day or evening gloves, you can look at this list and be thankful that these etiquette points are one less thing we have to think about these days.

Men remove their right glove to shake hands on the street, but leave them on when shaking hands at the opera or a ball. If it is too awkward to remove the glove to shake hands, the man must apologize for not removing his glove. Women do not remove their gloves to shake hands, except with the head of a church or a head of state.

Gentlemen only wear white gloves at the opera, a ball, or as an usher in a wedding. Part of the reason men wear gloves at a ball is to avoid putting their sweaty hands on a woman’s bare back (cause, gross) or damaging their gown with the sweatiness. Men can wear gray doeskin gloves on the street. Amy Vanderbilt advises that while going gloveless in winter may make a man feel hardier, it results in chapped hands (again, gross.)

Ladies wear gloves to formal dinners and take them off at the table- the gloves go on your lap and the napkin over the gloves. Women’s formal gloves are white kidskin (this means a very fine, thin, soft leather) and are the most luxurious thing because they must be thrown out as soon as they get dirty (which probably takes about 5 minutes.)

Women remove gloves during church to make it easier to handle the prayer books, and definitely removed them for communion. As with shaking hands, women keep gloves on during a receiving line (except, again, with heads of state and the like).

Stylewise, bracelets can be worn over gloves but rings cannot be. One very old etiquette book mentions that you should be fully dressed before leaving your house and pulling your gloves on in the street is the height of ill-breeding.

Brides who wear gloves either take the left one off before the ring is put on or they split the seam of the ring finger so the ring can slide on.

Sources: Etiquette by Emily Post and Amy Vanderbilt’s New Complete Book of Etiquette by Amy Vanderbilt

Thank Goodness We Don’t Have to Do That Anymore: Hat Etiquette

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I could do a whole post on famous hats in movies. [ via Wikimedia Commons]

Technically, we do still have to follow hat etiquette. But since hats are no longer de rigueur, a lot of this has fallen by the wayside. However, when you do wear a hat, you really do need to follow this and shouldn’t wear your hipster fedora inside even though you think you are so cool. In fact, taking your hat off inside is probably the only hat etiquette rule that still needs to be followed.

Unfortunately, for equality, most hat etiquette is intended for the man. The reason for this is that men’s hats are easily removed. Women’s hats traditionally were very fussy and actually attached to their hair with hat pins and the like. Taking it off would also often mess up their hair dos. However, when a woman wears a gender-neutral hat like a baseball cap, she needs to also remove it when indoors. I would count warm winter hats as well, but you’re probably taking those off indoors already.

Interestingly, a hostess does not wear a hat in her own home. So if a woman were hosting a luncheon, bridge game, bridal shower, etc. in her home during the afternoon (in ye olden times) all of her female guests would probably be wearing hats, but she would not. Women did not wear hats with a brim after 5pm, they switched to cocktail hats which were much smaller.

An interesting exception to women keeping their hats on inside was when attending the theater. If one’s hat was so big as to obscure the view for someone behind them, the person who was being blocked could ask that the hat be removed and it should be done at once. It would be wise to wear only very small hats to the theater, obviously. Men took off their top hats when seated for the performance (collapsible top hats were made for this very purpose!) but they kept them on when strolling the corridors.

There is an exception to taking your hat off indoors. When you enter a public building and are using transitional spaces such as lobbies, hallways, and elevators, you do not need to take your hat off. Do take it off once you reach the office/apartment/whatever you are visiting. Hats remain on on public transportation and in stores as well. Hats are removed in restaurants (except when sitting at a counter in an informal restaurant).

In addition to indoors, hats need to be removed for the national anthem and passing funeral processions.

In some religious spaces, such as some Jewish synagogues, it might be required that men cover their heads. Go with what is done.

Traditionally, men spent a lot of time doffing their hats or tipping the brim. A man would remove his hat when meeting a woman in the street and stopping to talk with her. He would also take it off when a woman entered an elevator he was in. A man would briefly lift his hat or touch the brim when: greeting strangers on the street, after briefly speaking to a strange woman (after informing her of a dropped object, for example), when passing a woman in a tight space, to acknowledge a kindness or favor in public, or basically anytime he needed to acknowledge a stranger in public.

Thank Goodness We Don’t Have To Do That Anymore: Hand Kissing

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Even Leo only saw it in a Nickelodeon once, it wasn’t an everyday thing.

Rhett Butler did it, Jane Austen’s heroes did it, but did anybody ever really kiss anyone’s hand?

I was all prepared to have a history of hand kissing and how it was done, but to be honest; I could find very few references to it in any historical etiquette books. And fun fact, Jane Austen’s novels contain only 4 instances of hand kissing.

Emily Post doesn’t mention it at all in her original etiquette book. I consulted a wide variety of books from the 1830s to the 1920s, and they hardly mention kissing at all, let alone how to properly kiss a lady’s hand.

I did find two instances describing how hand kissing is not done in the US.

The Handbook of Official and Social Etiquette and Public Ceremonials at Washington from 1889 which says:

The form of kissing by way of salutation between opposite sexes is obsolete in the United States, except among relatives. Among ladies it still prevails, but it should be confined to intimate friends, and then on the forehead or cheek. In ancient times it was in vogue between the sexes in the best society, it being applied to the cheek, forehead, or hand. It is still customary to a limited degree in Germany. In the United States it is never used, except restricted as above.

And in Manners, Culture, and Dress of the Best American Society from 1894 which talks about “the kiss of respect”:

The kiss of mere respect- almost obsolete in this country- is made on the hand. This custom is retained in Germany and among the gentlemen of the most courtly manners in England.

In fact, I didn’t find any real reference to it at all until Amy Vanderbilt’s New Complete Book of Etiquette from 1967 (though she probably also included it in earlier editions). Fortunately she had a lot to say about it!

In her section on the “Masculine Graces” she describes how to perform a hand kiss in case an American man encounters a married French woman who presents her hand for a kiss (hand kisses are apparently not given to unmarried ladies unless they are “of a certain age” aka really old). The technique is for the man to “take her fingers lightly in his, palm upward, bow slightly over her hand…, and touch his lips to the back of it, not really implant a kiss.” She also calls it extremely rude to kiss the palm of the hand and says that some foreigners will try it on naïve American ladies who don’t know any better.

When discussing different customs abroad, Vanderbilt says that hand-kissing should be impersonal with the lips never actually touching the hand, or even becoming a bow over the hand. She does quote an Italian saying that they don’t really do hand kissing anymore except “with American women we go to some lengths because they seem to expect it and like it and we want to please.”

Hand kissing was probably originally something you did to kings and other rulers, to show fealty. Wikipedia suggests that the custom of men kissing the hands of women originated in Poland/Lithuania and the Spanish courts in the 17th and 18th century, but doesn’t really provide sources on that. It also mentions that it has fallen out of favor and replaced by handshakes or cheek kissing, though it does mention that former French President Jacques Chirac made it his trademark, which apparently is completely true.

I will say, I have had my hand kissed before, in a rather ridiculous circumstance, and it was very swoony. So, if you think you have the finesse to pull it off on occasion, go for it! But be warned unless you are very, very charming, it is likely to come off as creepy and inappropriate.

Thank Goodness No One Is Making Us Take Snuff

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Aside from alcohol, I have never really been one for drugs. And in terms of the way to take drugs, I think snorting anything sounds like the most unpleasant way. Ok, maybe I wouldn’t stick a needle in my arm either, but can anyone tell me they actually enjoy the sensation of a dry, powdery substance going up their nose? This is why I always found snuff so fascinating. We have cigarettes and cigars and dip and patches, so why would you decide that shoving it up your nose is a good idea?!

According to this WHO report, “American Indians were probably the first people to smoke, chew and snuff tobacco, as early as the 1400s (Christen et al., 1982). The Indians inhaled powdered tobacco through a hollow Y-shaped piece of cane or pipe by placing the forked ends into each nostril and the other end near the powdered tobacco. This instrument was called a ‘tobago’ or ‘tobaca’. The word was later changed by the Spaniards to ‘tobacco’.” It also notes, “When smoking was forbidden on British naval vessels because of the fire hazard,sailors turned to chewing tobacco and snuff.”

By the 18th century, it was really popular, and because many Europeans seemed to have nothing better to do with their time, a complex set of social rules was set up around the practice! Women, of course, were to abstain from snuff, and men were not supposed to take snuff in the presence of women. When they did, you were to pinch some in your fingers, bring it to your nose, and inhale quickly. There is debate as to whether it is alright to sneeze afterward. In some places it was popular because of the risque idea that the feeling of a sneeze was akin to that of an orgasm. Other books say it’s incredibly rude. If you were at a party, you were also to use the host’s snuff box, not your own snuff from your waistcoat pockets. The Laws of Etiquette from 1836 also says “as to taking snuff from a paper, it is vile.”

American habits mirrored those of Europe for a while. However, many in the South believed the French and English snuff habits were too precious, and instead began to favor chewing tobacco. But it wasn’t just Westerners using snuff. The Uncivilized Races of Men in All Countries of the World of 1876 describes the snuff practices of South African natives, with the added benefit of doing it in an incredibly racist way! The author writes, “It is considered bad manners to offer snuff to another, because to offer a gift implies superiority; the principal man in each assembly being always called upon to snuff to the others. There is an etiquette even in asking for snuff. If one Kaffir [racial slur for a black person in South Africa, FYI do not use this word] sees another taking snuff he does not ask for it, but puts a sidelong question saying “What are you eating?”

The same thing happened in China, where snuff was presumably brought by Jesuit missionaries. Though initially it was all imported, China began producing snuff in an array of colors and scents. Many of the upper class still prefered imported product. It was so popular they even wrote a song about it, called “Snuff Bottle Song”:

A marvelous plant, the absolutely unique tobacco

And this wonder drug is also not the yabulu

But a special kind of foreign tobacco

Not produced in China but imported from abroad

It is its virtue to clear out one’s blood

To liven up the nostrils, and invigorate one’s spirit

Despite its popularity, in many circles it was still seen as a bad habit. In Charles William Day’s Hints on Etiquette and the Usages of Society: With a Glance at Bad Habits, published in 1844, he writes:

As snuff taking is merely an idle dirty habit practised by stupid people in the unavailing endeavor to clear their stolid intellect, and is not a custom particularly offensive to their neighbors, it may be left to each individual taste as to whether it be continued or not. An “Elegant” cannot take much snuff without decidedly losing “caste.”

BURN.

Snuff is not as ubiquitous in America anymore, though you can still find it in most European tobacco shops. It’s also responsible for the name of the “anatomical snuff box,” the little dip in your hand right under your thumb when you hold it taught. However, some suggest there may be a comeback, what with all the public smoking bans happening around the world. Many are right to point out the absence of secondhand smoke when tobacco is taken this way, and the lower risk of lung cancer for the taker, which I guess is better, but I also really hope I don’t have to start putting up with a bunch of people making gross snorting noises around me when I’m out at a bar.

Anyway, if you’re interested in snuff, there’s a competition in Germany where you’re supposed to shovel five grams of it into your nose in a minute. The photos are incredible.

Thank Goodness We Don’t Have To Speak Floriography

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These flowers are trying to tell you something

These flowers are trying to tell you something

If there’s one downside to etiquette is that it’s often all too easy to forego an opportunity to be honest with your feelings. Why tell someone what you really feel when you could vaguely hint at what you mean in codes the other person may or may not be familiar with? How easy it is to escape your emotions in the name of being polite! If you want to go all out, I don’t think there’s a more coded and frustrating way to communicate than the art of  floriography, or flower language, where you better hope you don’t get caught giving chrysanthemums to a business associate.

According to 1891’s Polite Society at Home and Abroad, floral language began in Greece and other “Eastern lands,” but it, like many unnecessarily elaborate etiquette practices, became popular in England during the Victorian era. I don’t know much about the politics of the Victorian era, but I’m assuming it was just like the 1990s, where the economy was good and we didn’t have many problems so we just did things like form boy bands and rollerblade and take Lisa Frank notebooks to our affordable colleges to keep ourselves amused.

Anyway, floriography is a doozy of a practice. Sure, there was the obvious Rose=Love stuff, but I had no idea the sorts of specific feelings that could be communicated through flowers. Want to tell someone your heart weeps for them? Give them the green leaves of Acacia. You’re fascinated with them? Fern. Hand someone Fuschia? You’ve just proposed. And let’s just take a second to appreciate the everlasting pun of saying “your looks freeze me” with an Ice Plant.

Of course, as many ways as there are to compliment someone through flowers, there are as many to insult them. Artillery plant? That means “your shafts are pointless,” a thought we’ve certainly all had, right? Black Mulberry means “I will not survive you,” and Mock Orange means you think the recipient cannot be trusted. And don’t forget to send some Tansy to any country you want to declare war against.

In her book Flowers, The Angels’ Alphabets, Susan Loy argues “There is little evidence that Victorian lovers used the language of flowers for secret communications.” However, that list in Polite Society makes a pretty compelling argument that at least some people took this seriously. The Language of Flowers by Kate Greenway (1900) and The Flowers Personified (1849) had similarly thorough lists, which some people certainly memorized or kept as a quick reference.

What I want to know is how could you ever guarantee the recipient would pick up on what you were putting down? Or,  if you were the recipient, the giver really meant to tell you you’re too ostentatious by giving you some peonies for your birthday? For example, in many European and Asian countries, the chrysanthemums are symbolic of death—one topic in 1946’s The Chrysanthemum and the Sword, which you may remember from Mad Men—whereas in America they’re often thought of as friendly and uplifting. Are you to be blamed for not doing your research, which would have been especially difficult in times where you couldn’t just Google “Japanese Business Etiquette”?

Even though most of these practices have fallen out of fashion (if they ever were used to begin with), floriography remains, and can be just as confusing. According to this infographic, yellow roses can either mean friendship or “I’m betraying you.” And Teleflora has a whole section of their site on the symbolic meaning of funeral flowers, one of the main areas where these codes are still in use. Though honestly, it seems like you can come up with an excuse to use almost any flower, as they mention everything from pink roses to orchids to daffodils.