Category Archives: How To

Etiquette At The Theater/Movies, Or Why Can’t People Ever Remember To Turn Off Their Cell Phones!?

Posted on by

0

This is a theater I would patronize. [ Flickr user Mark Wallace]

Going to the theater used to be something that people dressed up for. Ok, people used to dress up for everything. My mom wore a corsage the first time she went on a plane. Anyway, in the great democratization of entertainment, this is not so much the case anymore. And that’s pretty great! You don’t have to wear a tux to go to the symphony (but you absolutely can if you want!). You don’t need an usher at the movie theater. But despite the slightly relaxed atmosphere, you (and everyone around you) did just pay $15 to see The Croods 2: Crood Harder, so here are some tips to make sure that money doesn’t go to waste.

In General

  • Arrive on time. If you are late to the movies, be quiet as you get settled and try to find a seat fast. If you are late to the theater an usher will either assist you or instruct you to wait in a room with a monitor of the show until there is a pause in the performance.

  • Silence your cell phone and put it AWAY. Come on, people, you know this. You should not speak on, text from, or even glance at your cellphone in a darkened theater. Even in your lap, people can see it and it is extremely distracting. (In Broadway theaters, using your cellphone during the show is actually illegal and you can be fined!)

  • Be quiet at all times: no talking and try to keep food noises and rustling to a minimum.

  • When passing people to get to your seats: there is some debate of whether to face the people you are passing or to face away. Victoria prefers to face away to avoid awkward eye contact and Jaya prefers not showing her butt to strangers. Either way, do your best not to step on them or their belongings. If someone is trying to pass you, do your best to clear a path and scoot your legs to the side or stand up.

  • If you have a coughing fit, please step outside until it is over.

  • If someone sitting near you is talking, playing with a cell phone, or otherwise being distracting, it is perfectly acceptable to politely (POLITELY!) ask them to please stop as they are being very distracting. You can also fetch an usher.

For Live Theater

  • Flashing lights mean you need to return to your seat immediately as the show is about to resume.

  • You cannot take photos in the theater, not because the ushers are mean, but because the set design is usually visible and it is copyrighted.

  • You can clap after songs and scenes- follow along with the rest of the crowd. (Though not at a symphony. You clap at the end of the performance, not after each movement).

  • Standing ovations should only be for very extraordinary performances. This may be a losing battle because everyone ends up standing for every show anyway, but don’t feel obligated to stand if you don’t want to- you won’t be able to see though!

  • Do not sing along with the musical. Yes, some people need to be reminded of this.

  • A note on that guy who threw that woman’s phone across the room during a play: Yes, that woman was being incredibly rude by being on her phone, and we all probably wish we could have the balls to do what he did. But what is more disruptive, this woman forcing you to deal with her cell phone screen, or everyone having to deal with your outburst? If someone is bothering you, tell them quietly. If they don’t comply, you may want to alert an usher to what is happening. But don’t make yourself the center of the disruption.

For The Movies

  • Very quiet comments and discussions about popcorn during the previews are acceptable, but all talking should cease when the feature begins. Reaction noises are perfectly normal, of course (laughter, gasps, etc.). The occasional comment to your friend is fine, but any kind of actual conversation, constant running commentary and questions, or anything above a whisper is definitely rude.

  • Don’t bring small children to adult movies unless you are sure they can behave and are willing to leave if they are acting up. Children’s movies have more leeway. A movie theater seat is also not the place to change your baby’s diaper. And anecdote time! Victoria was once at a showing of The Karate Kid starring Jaden Smith and a woman put her toddler in a seat next to Victoria and then left! So don’t do that.

  • Don’t put your feet up on the seat in front of you if someone is sitting in it, or rock back and forth a lot in your chair. That type of motion carries.

Special Royal Baby Edition: British Titles

Posted on by

1

By Duke_and_Duchess_of_Cambridge_and_Prince_Harry.JPG: Carfax2derivative work: Surtsicna [CC-BY-SA-3.0], via Wikimedia Commons

A special royal baby post on British titles!

Firstly, the new baby’s title is His Highness Prince [NAME] of Cambridge. William and Kate’s official titles are Their Royal Highnesses the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and are properly referred to as such (or as just the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge). This title was given to them upon their marriage, previously William was HRH Prince William of Wales. As William was born a prince, he remains a prince and she is a princess, but the Queen has chosen to style them the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, and what she says goes. Becoming a Duke made William a Peer of the Realm, which is better than being just a plain prince (and a commoner). If they had been styled as Prince and Princess, Kate would have been referred to as HRH Princess William of Wales because she was not already a princess in her own right. Prince/Princess is their rank, Duke/Duchess is their title. “Princess Diana” was made up by the press and was never her official title. Princess FirstName is only used in the UK when they are a princess by birth.

The ranking of the British nobility:

Duke/Duchess

Marquess/Marchioness

Earl/Countess

Viscount

Baron

In modern times, there isn’t that much meaning behind the titles except in rank. Dukes were first created (in England- the concept is older) by Edward III in the 1300s for his close family members and for a long time Dukes were only members of the royal family. Marquesses held pieces of land on the borders (marches) and because of their defensive position they were ranked higher than earls who held counties (earls are equal to counts in other countries, but the British use the Anglo-Saxon derivative of the Scandinavian word jarl) which were interior pieces of land. The title viscount doesn’t seem to have as much history or meaning as the others and is even now mostly only used as a courtesy title. Barons were originally the men who managed the land for a greater lord. Titles were often awarded to people for service to the Crown, so the greater the service, the greater the title.

Within each rank, age of the title indicates seniority. Life peers are titles given to people for the duration of their own life but which are not passed down to their heirs.

The word peer refers only to those who hold one of these titles fully (or their spouses) and traditionally would be eligible for the House of Lords. Everyone who is not a peer is a commoner (and that includes people like Prince Harry as prince and princess are courtesy titles for the children and grandchildren of the soverign). Children of peers may hold courtesy titles (we will get to those in a minute) but they are not accorded the full honors of that title and they are still commoners. So yes, even though they were rich, and Diana was aristocratic, before their marriages both Kate Middleton AND Princess Diana were commoners.

Courtesy Titles

Children of peers are commoners but they get to use courtesy titles to show their relationship to a peer. Peers often have multiple titles, so they give their eldest sons one of the lesser titles to use as a courtesy, as they will one day inherit the greater title. So the oldest son of a duke might be referred to as the Earl of ____. (This only goes for the eldest son of dukes, marquesses, and earls). Though the son may be styled a Marquess or Earl, they do not hold the full courtesy of that title. For example, a Marquess is properly known as The Most Honourable [first name] Marquess of _______, but a courtesy marquess is not The Most Honourable, they are just the Marquess of ______ (and the “the” is dropped for correspondence)

Younger sons of dukes and marquesses are styled Lord [first name][surname]. Younger sons of earls and all sons of viscounts and barons are styled The Honourable (often shortened to The Hon) [first name][last name]. This is only used descriptively and in addresses, Honourables should be called Mr. ________.

Daughters of dukes, marquesses, and earls are styled Lady [first name][last name].

Sons and daughters of viscounts and barons also use the courtesy title The Honourable in the same way as noted above.

Dowagers

The widowed wife of a duke, marquess, earl, or viscount is the Dowager of that title. For example: widows of dukes are referred to as the Dowager Duchess of ______ or [first name], Duchess of ______. If there is already a Dowager Duchess when the duchess in question is widowed, she is always referred to as [first name], Duchess of ______. If a duchess’s son is unmarried when she becomes widowed, she remains the Duchess of ______ until he marries. (This applies to widows of marquesses and earls also, with Marchioness, Countess, or Viscountess filling in for Duchess.)

Widows of barons are known as Dowager Lady _______ or [first name], Lady _______.

Duke/Duchess

Princes of the Royal Blood are usually created dukes when they marry, as Prince William became the Duke of Cambridge when he married Kate Middleton. There are also non-royal dukes who can trace their lines back to someone who was created a duke by a monarch. All the children and some of the grandchildren of the monarch are addressed as His/Her Royal Highness followed by their other title (the Duke/Duchess, Earl/Countess, Prince/Princess, etc).

In conversation/print Dukes/Duchesses are referred to as The Duke or Duchess of ________ or His/Her Grace. They are addressed directly as Duke or Duchess or Your Grace.

Marquess/Marchioness, Earl/Countess, Viscount/Viscountess, Baron/Baroness

In conversation/print and when addressed directly, these ranks are called Lord or Lady______ (where the blank is their holding, not their first name).

Countess/Baroness

Many earldoms/barons can be inherited by women, so these women are properly called the Countess of/Baroness ______, but her husband gains no title or style from being married to a Countess/Baroness.

A baroness in her own right has the choice of being called Baroness_______ or Lady ________ (where the blank is their last name). Most choose to go by Lady as Margaret Thatcher, a Life Baroness, went by Lady Thatcher.

Other

The Princess Royal refers to the eldest daughter of a monarch. Though as she retains the title for life and there can only be one at a time, if a monarch has a daughter and there is already a Princess Royal, she won’t be called that. Queen Elizabeth’s daughter Anne is the current Princess Royal.

His/Her Royal Highness (HRH) is a style given to members of the royal family.

I have been asked before why Prince Philip isn’t King Philip. The reason is that a King outranks a Queen and the ruler must be the highest ranked person, so when a woman is Regnant, her husband is Prince Consort instead of King. When there is a King, his wife is the Queen Consort as opposed to the Queen Regnant when a woman rules, though generally Queen Consort is just shortened to Queen.

This is an extremely simplified (but hardly simple!) explanation of a very complicated topic. For everything you could possibly want to know about British titles up to how to address the Queen, see http://www.debretts.com. The British Monarchy also has an excellent site specifically about the Royal Family http://www.royal.gov.uk/. And please see this excellent post by a royalty scholar http://royalmusingsblogspotcom.blogspot.com/2011/05/primer-catherine-is-princess.html.

What To Wear To That Formal Event (Which Is Probably A Wedding)

Posted on by

7

5663297348_fa7c9a0340

Please, wear clothing. [Flickr user violet.blue]

Does anyone else get insanely excited about planning outfits to wear to a wedding? Or other formal event? I’m going to assume that most of the events you’re getting a formal invitation to are weddings, because if you’re getting invited to a ton of awards shows and other galas…you probably don’t need this post.

I know it can be a chore, but personally, I love getting dressed up. I love seeing my friends wearing ties. I love having an excuse to not just be wearing sneakers and a ponytail. So it’s fitting that I get excited when I see the dress code printed on an invitation.

Firstly, I want to say to anyone planning a wedding, engagement party, or otherwise “official” event–have a frickin’ dress code! Otherwise you may be inundated with calls from friends going “Is this purple dress ok? But I also have this blue one I really like, but that one is longer. And I never wear the purple one. But what are you wearing?” and it will make you want to punch all your friends. Explicitly stated dress codes mean you don’t have to talk to anyone, which really is our goal right?

Now, on to what to wear once you know the code.

Do not wear a wedding dress (men, this goes for you too).  Unless the invitation says to wear white, you want to steer clear of any type of white dress, even if it looks nothing like the bride’s gown. Though this rule only applies for our “traditional” American/European wedding ceremonies. My cousin wore a white dress to a family member’s wedding and it was fine…because the bride was wearing a red and gold sari. Don’t wear a red and gold sari to an Indian wedding.

What you wear really depends on what it says on the invitation, and the season. Usually the couple will specify something like “Black Tie” or “Cocktail Attire” on the invite, which should give you an idea of what to wear. Here are the basics for that.

White Tie: You will never go to a White Tie wedding. We can pretty much guarantee this. But if you do, men should wear an evening tailcoat tuxedo with a white bowtie. Women should wear a floor-length ballgown and usually elbow length gloves, and really elaborate hair/makeup/clothing. Good luck shopping. (I would also like to note that a Google Image search of “White Tie” brings up the suggestions “Fred Astaire,” “Downton Abbey,” and “Obama.” Interpret that how you will.)

Black Tie: This is the most formal wedding you will probably go to, which has men wearing tuxedos (sans tails) and women wearing either floor-length gowns or more formal cocktail dresses (think darker colors, satins and silks, etc.). Think red carpet gala for clothing inspiration.

Black Tie Optional: This is most likely what the wedding you’re going to is, and IT SUCKS. PEOPLE, STOP PUTTING “BLACK TIE OPTIONAL” ON YOUR INVITATIONS. For men it’s fine; they either get to wear a tuxedo or a dark suit, which pretty much every man has. But for women’s attire, The Knot suggests “A long dress, a dressy suit, or a formal cocktail-length dress.” That is literally every possible clothing option, and it’s infuriating. You can’t go wrong with a nice cocktail dress in a deep color, though. But seriously, either put Black Tie or Cocktail Attire on your invitations, and stop the madness.

Cocktail Attire: This is what people most likely want when they say “Black Tie Optional” but they don’t know about it, so NOW YOU KNOW. It may also be written as Semiformal or Dressy Casual. This means a dark suit for men, and a cocktail dress for women, which is pretty much exactly what everyone thinks of when they think of what people wear to a wedding.

The main differences in these attire suggestions concern the time of day and the season. Most people do not host a daytime Black Tie wedding, because making women sweat in heavy satin dresses in the sun is a mean thing to do (on this note, according to Official Etiquette, tuxedos should never be worn before 6pm, but omg who cares anymore). So consider the information on the rest of the invitation. Is this going to be a winter wedding? Think darker colors and thicker fabrics. Outdoors in July? Lighter fabrics work better, in a brighter color or pattern. A blouse and skirt combo also works for this for women, and men can go for lighter fabrics and colors too in the summer, like light grey or blue.

There are a slew of others, from “Creative Black Tie” to “Evening Resort” to “Festive Attire.” Some may ask you to wear a specific color, or dress to a certain theme. Sometimes there are even costume changes. One person we know said it was tradition in his community to wear suits to the wedding ceremony, then change into jeans and t-shirts for the reception. When in doubt, ask! If a couple is asking for a specific, more non-traditional dress code, they’re probably ready to receive some questions about it.

A Note on Black for Women: Wearing black to a wedding is still a tricky subject. My mother-in-law enthusiastically told me to wear a black cocktail dress to my sister-in-law’s black tie optional wedding, but in many circles, black is an absolute no. “But UC!” you cry, “I have just the cutest black dress in the world, and I need to wear it because it makes my legs look fantastic and I need to bang one of the groomsmen!” Use your best judgment! If you’re running with a more traditional and conservative crowd, then perhaps not, but if it’s a chic evening wedding in the city, go for it! To be on the safe side, dress it up with colorful or sparkly accessories. You just don’t want to look like you’re going to a funeral.

What To Do When You Find Yourself In An Argument

Posted on by

2

argument-irrelevant

Just make puns! Everyone loves puns!

Growing up, my grandpa always said you should never discuss money, politics, or religion at the dinner table. As a young New Yorker who was used to every conversation eventually becoming a discussion of how much you paid in rent, I was pretty sure that this left nothing to be discussed but the weather and perhaps the nice color of the wood on the floor. However, there is something to be said for not bringing up wildly divisive topics in diverse company. For instance, I would have no problem discussing transsexual porn at a meal with close friends (this has happened), but you probably don’t want to bring this up with your parents’ friends (who were at the lunch table when this happened, oops).

Conversation is a tricky thing, and what may seem like an obviously neutral topic to you may soon become a heated discussion. If you find yourself here, there are a few ways to tackle it.

1. Run awaaaaaay

This works best when you’re at a large party, or anywhere with ample distractions. At my family Christmas party a few years ago, my fiance and I were speaking to one of my uncles about Obamacare. Soon, another family member came up to us and began to argue about socialism. Quickly, my fiance and I looked at each other, and politely excused ourselves to refill our wine glasses. We were never seen again. (JK we basically hung out in the living room until my uncle showed up an hour later and was like “YOU BAILED ON ME!” and we were like “Dude, we were not getting into that.”)

2. Change the Subject

A nice way of doing this is to find a neutral kernel within the tricky subject and focus your comments on that. Let’s say I was stuck in a conversation with someone who didn’t share my views on legalizing marijuana, and who was becoming very vocal about that. I could perhaps transition that into talking about the episode of “True Life” I saw about smoking pot, and then mention how I’m a sucker for trash TV, and then ask if she watches “What Not To Wear.” Try not to say much, and listen for an opening into a topic that won’t get you both so riled up.

This is old advice. According to A Gentleman’s Guide to Etiquette by Cecil B. Hartley, published in 1875, “Even if convinced that your opponent is utterly wrong, yield gracefully, decline further discussion, or dexterously turn the conversation, but do not obstinately defend your own opinion until you become angry.”

But easier said than done, right? I mean, you’re never going to know what someone’s trigger subjects are. Maybe this person hates Clinton Kelly with a fiery passion and this sends the whole thing into a tailspin. One trick is to turn to things in the present. Discuss the beautiful Christmas tree, or a friend’s lovely necklace, or the host’s great selection of beer. Hell, discuss the nice color of the wood on the floor. I’ll concede that it’s better than arguing about abortion.

3. Politely Disagree

The thing you need to know about arguments is that there is pretty much no chance you are going to change someone’s mind. You may have all logic and evidence on your side, but parties, dinners, business meetings, etc. are not the place to convince someone that tattoos are not a sign of moral inferiority, even if you’re totally right. A quick “I’m going to have to disagree with you on that” in a light tone usually suffices, if followed by a brand new topic. If you’re pushed to explain why you disagree, you can give an example (“I know plenty of friends who have tattoos who have great careers/I have a tattoo and I’m not a monster”), but keep the focus on personal experience, not why the other person is Objectively Wrong.

Of course, some people are just looking for a fight, in which case it’s perfectly acceptable to be a bit more forward and say something like “I really don’t feel like talking about this right now.” And if they get upset, return to Step 1 and walk away, knowing full well that they’re the rude ones for pushing the issue.

How To Not Make An Ass Of Yourself At The Dinner Table

Posted on by

9

This is why the "no elbows on the table" thing. (via)

This is why the “no elbows on the table” thing. (via)

So many things can go wrong when dining socially, but if you keep these basic ideas in mind you won’t have to worry about embarrassing yourself:

  • Don’t put your elbows on the table while you are eating. (Fun exercise: Sit up straight at a table and try to cut and eat your food while resting your elbows. It’s impossible anyway!) Between courses is fine though- such as when the main meal has been cleared but you are waiting for dessert and are really engaged in conversation with someone.

  • Don’t butter your whole roll- put a pat of butter on the bread plate, and break off sections of the roll and butter them individually.

  • Don’t chew with your mouth open.

  • Do use your utensils except for very dry foods like bread, or in more casual situations. You’ll probably look like an idiot trying to eat chicken wings with your fork and knife at Hooters.

  • Do ask for things to be passed to you instead of grabbing them.

  • Do pass the salt and pepper together.

  • Do remember that your bread plate is to your left, drink is to your right.

  • Do use good cell phone etiquette. We’ll discuss this more later, but we have to mention that your phone has no place at the dinner table (unless in an extremely casual setting), and if it’s an emergency to properly excuse yourself from the table

  • Don’t feel awkward about “grace.” You may be asked to say grace when dining in a religious home or at a holiday dinner. There are a number of well known graces you can say if you feel comfortable, but a general thanking of the host and talking about the beauty of the food is fine. If you want more of a “grace” feel, you could try this secularized version: “for what we are about to receive, let us be truly thankful. Amen.” If someone else is saying grace, follow along with everyone else and either bow your head or join hands respectfully and either say amen at the end, or say nothing.

  • Do wait until everyone has been seated and served before beginning to eat

  • Do put your napkin on your lap. If you get up from the table, leave your napkin on your chair, but when you finish your meal, place your napkin loosely at the side of your plate.

  • Do put your fork and knife together on the plate with the handles at the 4 o’clock position when you are finished eating.

You would think that a lot of these would be so obvious they don’t need to be said. But I once attended a sorority luncheon at a fancy restaurant and one of the girls ate her fully dressed salad with her fingers, so you never know. That being said, I eat most of my meals sitting on my couch in my tiny apartment, so when you are alone you are permitted to eat like an animal!

A note for parents:

I am not a parent and am therefore hesitant to give advice, but I am going to anyway! Kids can have good table manners even from an early age but it does take a LOT of repetition and practice. In my family we ate dinner at the table every night, often with candles and classical music. Table manners were strictly enforced and by the time my sister and I were 11 or 12, we could happily sit through three course meals at some extremely nice and expensive restaurants. Practice at home and then occasionally take your kids out to a restaurant with waiters and real plates for them to practice using their good manners in public. Then they won’t end up as the college girl who eats salad with her fingers in public!