Category Archives: How To

How To Avoid Rude Small Talk

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Get it?

Get it?

Small talk! It’s weird and often uncomfortable, but we all have to do it otherwise we’d never make friends/would always be that person standing just outside of a conversation. You have to wade through the small talk to get to anything interesting! Or you can be like me this weekend and drunkenly start talking to strangers about their love lives before you get their names, but maybe you shouldn’t do that.

Here’s my theory: I don’t think you should open a conversation with a stranger/acquaintance with the most obvious thing about them. For example, if you meet a pregnant woman, don’t ask her about her pregnancy. Maybe she’ll bring up her pregnancy on her own, and then you can talk about it, but maybe she’ll want to talk about her job and her other interests because she’s sick of being asked about morning sickness. The same thing goes for someone getting married, on a job search, or applying to college. They may want to keep talking about it, but there’s also a good chance they’re completely talked out.

This doesn’t count for everyone. If you’re asking your own teenage son about how high school is going? Duh. Are you a Maid of Honor asking the bride how planning is going? Makes sense. But you have to make sure you’re close, which generally means friends-who-talk-constantly or close family (meaning you have a relationship outside seeing each other three times a year at whole-family gatherings). Below are a couple of suggestions as to questions/comments to avoid, and as always leave yours in the comments!

For an Engaged/Married Person

  • I’m so excited for the wedding!—Did you get an invitation yet/have the couple verbally confirmed you’re invited? If not, don’t assume anything, even if you’re close to them.

  • Are you dieting?—Usually followed by a weird stare if you say “no,” or a push for details if “yes.” Weird either way. Plus it comes off as you thinking the person in question should be dieting.

  • When are you having kids?—This is SUCH a personal question, and can often be painful to the person/couple in question. Maybe they have a medical condition that prevents them from having kids and don’t want to talk about it, or maybe they flat out don’t want kids. It should never be a question of “when.”

  • Unless you know for sure that one person in the couple is really into planning and the other is really not, ask both people the same questions and use plural pronouns. This is especially an issue with heterosexual couples, where everyone has a tendency to ask the bride-to-be about wedding planning and issues, and continues to ask the groom-to-be about his job, his hobbies, or anything else going on in his life.

For a Single Person

  • Any variation on “why are you still single?”—First off, single is not a “still.” Plenty of people are just fine with being single. And even if they’re not, this pretty much just blames them for their relationship status. Often this comes in the “But you’re so pretty/smart/interesting!” iteration, which both suggests that a) these are objective requirements to finding a partner and b) it’s somehow the person in question’s fault for not finding someone attracted to these things. Relationships aren’t science, and they take a heavy dose of luck.

For a Pregnant Person

  • Do you want a boy or a girl?—What is your expected answer here? “Oh man, I just want a boy so bad. If it’s a girl I’ll be so heartbroken. Nine months for nothing.”

  • When are you due?—True story: When I was in New Zealand I went shopping with another woman for sausage. This woman had a two-year-old daughter and still had some “baby weight” or whatever bullshit you want to call it. Anyway, the butcher gave me a slice of one sausage to try but hesitated giving it to her, joking that it was made with wine. She looked at him quizzically, and he gestured to her stomach in a “you know, because you’re pregnant” sort of way. She wasn’t pregnant. Do not assume anyone is pregnant.

For Kids

  • Where are you going to college?/Are you going to college?—This is specific to a certain class that assumes college is in the cards, but for the entirety of high school any adult talking to me only wanted to talk about SATs and college applications.

For Anyone

  • You look great! Have you lost weight?—Unless this person maybe lost 400 pounds and is super proud of it, no. Skinny does not necessarily equal healthy or beautiful.

  • You look tired today—I get this so much when I don’t wear makeup. It’s my normal face. My normal face looks bad to you? Ok.

The Etiquette of Having/Seeing a Dog

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LOOKIT HIM

LOOKIT HIM

“It wouldn’t be fair” was the constant refrain about dogs I heard when I was a kid. I grew up in an apartment, with cats, and the prospect of getting a dog just seemed insane. With cats, you can fill up a bowl of food and pretty much let them take care of themselves. With dogs you have to walk them, groom them, train them, come home every day right from work to make sure they’re ok instead of going out with friends, etc. They’re work!

Ahh but what work to have a dog, where his widdle face would jump up and lick yours at the end of the day and the widdle tail wagging and oh my god, I want a dog. I can’t have a dog, because I have two cats and a busy social life and no yard for anyone to run around in and that is just fine. But, like with children, I do live in a world with many dogs and notice some things that both dog owners and dog admirers can do to make the world a better place.

When the dog is yours

  • Think about where you live– My upstairs neighbors (in Queens) had a dog for a little bit. It was a part-beagle mutt that they got from a shelter, and though he was the most adorable thing, eventually they had to give him back. I’m not sure if you’re familiar with beagles, but they are NOT CITY DOGS. They are hounds! All they want to do is howl and hunt and run, which is very difficult to provide if you live in a 1,000 sq./ft. apartment and have a full time job.  In that same vein, think about your neighbors. If you live in close quarters they will most likely be hearing your dog yelp at 3am just as much as you are.
  • For fuck’s sake clean up after your dog– This should not need to be said but oh my god does it need to be said. Cleaning up after your dog means bringing enough bags to pick up its poop, picking up its poop, and throwing away its poop. And maybe if it’s a super messy poop bringing a bottle of water to rinse off the sidewalk. No saying you forgot bags. No putting the poop in the bag and then leaving it next to a tree (happens all the time in my neighborhood). No walking away and pretending it’s not there. If you cannot do this you should not own a dog. Period. (Obviously this is for city/suburban living. If you have a farm where you dog just runs around and does its thing, awesome, you need not worry.)
  • Some minor training is nice– There are many people in this world who are afraid of dogs and will be very uncomfortable if your dog jumps on or barks at them, no matter now much you know Fifi just wants to play. This can be more difficult depending on the dog you have (I assume young dogs are easier to train than older/abused dogs), but make an effort to make sure your dog knows how to sit. This also means knowing your dog and its limitations. Does your dog have an aggressive history? Don’t let it off the leash unless you’re 100% positive it can’t attack.
  • Not everyone is going to love your dog- As I said before, some people are afraid of dogs, or perhaps they’re allergic to dogs or just don’t like dogs. This is not a judgment on you for owning a dog, but perhaps they are not going to want to come over if they know you have a dog around. Offer alternatives for get-togethers, or train your dog to be ok for a few hours in the bedroom with the door closed.

When the dog is not yours

  • Do not pet dogs without the owner’s permission– Unless you’re sitting in a park and an unleashed dog runs up to you and jumps on you, you should always ask before petting a dog. There are a few reasons for this. One is that it’s just rude to start talking to a dog when the person in charge of it is right there. The second is that the dog may have some personal issues. Many rescued dogs have anxiety or aggression problems, and their owners may be trying to socialize them gradually. The Yellow Dog Project attempts to get owners with dogs like this to tie yellow ribbons to their dogs’ leashes, so if you see a yellow bow on a leash, definitely do not touch the dog.
  • Get to know the dogs in your neighborhood– Our friend David Shiffman mentions that his neighbors always say “good boy” when his dog, Magnolia, is wearing a pink bow and collar and is clearly a girl. We’ll save my very valid argument about GENDER NORMS for another day, but if someone has told you their dog’s name and gender, try to remember it.
  • Never pet a service dog– Service dogs are not so much pets as employed companions. Teeny weeny adorable companions in itsy vests, sure, but they are on the job! You would not pet a nurse pushing someone in a wheelchair, would you? No. Then don’t pet a service dog.

And always remember…

Communal Laundry Etiquette

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At least we don’t have to wash laundry this way anymore. [Via The Boston Public Library on Flickr]

This is for communal laundry rooms in an apartment or dorm or similar, a commercial laundromat is a completely different thing.

There are only a few rules for communal laundry but they are pretty important.

  • If you come in and the washer or dryer is stopped but full of clothes, it is kind to wait a couple of minutes (if possible) for the person to come back. If they don’t, you are perfectly free to remove the clothes and use the machine. You should do your best to put the clothes in a laundry cart or cleanish table. Never throw them on the floor! Technically, I don’t think you even need to wait to see if someone shows up, but I like to give a little buffer (though, I live only one floor above my laundry room).
  • If you do not want someone touching your things, you need to get there exactly when the wash or dry cycle ends and remove them.
  • Originally I had written that it is fine to use multiple machines, but that you might consider leaving one machine open if it’s a busy time like a Saturday afternoon. However, it has been mathematically demonstrated to me (seriously) that is it more efficient for all possible laundry doers if you do all your laundry at once and don’t cause down time on the machines. However, I do still think it is a bit rude to plan on doing, I don’t know, 8 loads of laundry on a day that you know your particular laundry room is busy.
  • If there is an accessible lint tray in the dryer, empty it when you remove your clothes.
  • Do your best to keep the room relatively neat, cleaning up your detergent spills and pocket detritus.

What annoys you about your shared laundry situation?

Etiquette For Children: It’s Not That Hard (Ok It Probably Is But Please Try)

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raggareI’m going to preface this by saying I don’t have children. I do not know what it’s like to have children. I have a niece who’s the bomb and have seen firsthand how difficult parenthood can be, but every time I visit my niece I know I can leave the apartment and go to a bar or a show and then get eight hours of sleep. Parents, you have a hard job, and I know lots of sacrifices have to be made just to keep everyone sane.

However, I am a human who lives in the world, and that world is full of children whose parents seem to have NO IDEA just how ridiculous they are acting.

I’m not talking about a baby throwing a tantrum in a cafe or on the subway, because if a child cannot talk and is screaming at the top of its lungs there is only so much a tired parent can do, and we should all be more forgiving of that. I’m talking about the kids running around restaurants and banging their silverware, or screaming to each other in a museum, or that one kid I saw in a grocery store who was just picking up produce and throwing it on the ground. Yes, having a kid is hard and you can’t be everywhere at once, but ultimately you are raising your kid to live in the world with other people. People who maybe are going to expect them to have an inside voice.

I don’t want to be in the business of giving parenting advice, but I will be boastful and say that I have been told on many occasions that I was a well behaved child. So here’s some of what I remember the adults in my life teaching me.

Learn where kids are unwelcome. I don’t necessarily agree with people who say children shouldn’t be allowed in restaurants or bars or anywhere public, but there is a line. Yesterday, a story came out about a couple who brought an 8-month-old to a fancy restaurant in Chicago that only serves a $210 tasting menu, which I assume will last hours. I’m sure their baby is lovely, but at what point did they think a child that young would be able to last through a meal like that?

Make sure you can accommodate your child to the expected behavior of where you’re going, not the other way around. Have a 10-year-old who can stay in his seat and eat politely at a nice restaurant? Great, bring him along. Bring your 4-year-old to a bar at night? Don’t expect anyone to change their normal bar behavior for you, and be ready to leave if your child throws a fit.

When your kid is old enough/knows how to mostly sit still, introduce them to what Adult Spaces look like. My parents used to bring me to dinners or cafes with their friends when I was a kid, and I was either given the option of doing something like sitting and coloring quietly, or joining the adult conversation, mainly by listening since I didn’t really have much interesting to say when I was seven. They’d be happy to speak to me and explain things, but it was also clear that if I wanted to interact with everyone I had to raise myself to the adult conversation, rather than them coming down to speak to a child. This was not my time to be the center of attention.

There are plenty of opportunities to make Adult Spaces in the home, especially when family comes over. For instance, the idea of a “kids table” at holidays can be somewhat detrimental to a child’s etiquette experience. You’ll go from sitting with other kids and generally being unsupervised to having to hold your own at a table with adults. It’s intimidating! But if you’re sitting with adults, you’ll learn by watching how they eat and how they converse, and if something goes wrong, at least you’re in your own house surrounded by people you love. The flip side to this is that you need lots more adults than children to make it an Adult Space. My fiance’s family has six kids ages 7 and under right now, so any family gathering is very kids-focused, even at the dinner table.

Be aware of what your kid can handle. My mom was lucky to have a few museum memberships when I was growing up, so some days we’d pop in somewhere and wander around for about twenty minutes. That was apparently my museum threshold, before I’d start getting cranky and tired, so we’d leave before I started crying. However, it still got me used to being a place like a museum, where I have grown to withstand almost a full hour without getting cranky.

Use the magic words. A parent friend of mine says “how do you ask?” is a constant refrain in his house, in making sure his kids know “please” and “thank you.” Use them yourself to show your kid what you mean. I’d also suggest reminding family or friends frequently around your kids to do the same. I am totally guilty of giving my little cousins whatever they want when they demand it, without reminding them to ask politely.

Ultimately, it seems that if you expect your child to be reasonably well behaved in your home, they’ll have better manners outside the home. But also, kids are crazy and unpredictable and sometimes you just want to let them do what they want so you can avoid another screaming match. Parents: what are your tips for raising a polite child?

Public Transportation Etiquette

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Let’s bring back these cute etiquette signs in the subway!
[Image via Forgotten New York]

Nothing produces more ire in people than public transportation etiquette. Everyone hates being there and everyone behaves so badly! We tried to make this list as exhaustive as possible, but please chime in in the comments with your thoughts, opinions, pet peeves, and anything we left out.

Basics:

Give pregnant ladies, old people, people with obvious injuries, and anyone who asks your seat.

Let people off the train before you get on, to a reasonable degree- no need to wait for that person who doesn’t decide to get off the train until the last second (we will get to them later)

If you stand in the doorway of the train, either turn yourself sideways and get as small as possible or step out of the train to let people on.

Your bag doesn’t get it’s own seat, put it on your lap or between your feet on the floor.

Related, if you are sitting, don’t take up more than your amount of space. This means men don’t get to spread their legs three feet wide and no one gets to put their feet up on an adjoining seat. If someone is partially blocking a seat, you are well within your rights to politely notify them that you want to sit down and then assert that right by doing so.

Headphones/earbuds are your friend. There is no excuse for using any noise-making device in public without them. While we are at it, be mindful of headphone noise leakage. If I can hear Party in the USA coming from 5 people down, your volume is too loud.

When traveling through subway stations, do not stop moving. Do not stop at the top of stairs, do not stop at the bottom of stairs, do not come to a sudden stop in the middle of the platform. Always get out of the flow of traffic, and then stop.

Do not lean on subway poles unless you like my knuckles digging into your back as much as possible.

Don’t eat smelly food.

Exit through the rear door of a bus (unless it’s crowded and you are near the front). Also, as you enter a bus, move towards the back as much as possible.

Escalators: stand right, walk left.

It should go without saying that personal hygiene activities like clipping toe nails and flossing don’t belong on the subway, but from experience, I know that it does, in fact, need to be said.

Take all of your trash with you and dispose of it in a trash can.

If you have kids:

  • If you give them a toy to play with, make sure it’s something they can use in their own space and doesn’t make noise. (AKA no watching movies at full blast on your iPad, no kids playing with toy cars on the floor)
  • Subway seats are not a great place to change diapers! I know, you can’t control when your baby decides to poop, but sorry, getting off the subway to find a better place to change a diaper is sorta what you signed up for as a parent.
  • Many public transit systems do have rules that strollers need to be folded at all times, or at least when the bus or train becomes very crowded. This can be difficult if you have a lot of stuff, but do your best to keep aisles and doorways free.

 

Extra Credit (I’m not going to go so far as to say these are etiquette rules, but following them makes public transportation more pleasant for everyone)

Try to fill up available seats on a crowded (or even moderately full) train- standing people take up space that makes it more difficult for people to move in and out of the train.

Try to look around you at every stop to make sure that you aren’t blocking the path of people coming in and out. Play your part to keep everything moving smoothly.

When the train is about to reach your stop, start gathering all your things and make your way towards the door if possible. People need to wait to let you off before getting on, but they shouldn’t have to wait until the doors are about to close before you realize that hey, you need to get off.

This is probably just me, but can we ban talking above a whisper on the morning commute?