Category Archives: Etiquette History

Dorothy Parker Reviews Emily Post

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If you’ve been reading Uncommon Courtesy for a while, you’ll notice we talk about Emily Post a lot. Obviously a lot of that is because Emily Post is pretty much the first name in etiquette (apologies to Miss Manners). Part of that is because of her ubiquitousness, but also because her original Etiquette holds up so well as an entertaining read.

Dorothy Parker, as a staff writer for The New Yorker in 1927, thought so too and wrote a really wonderful review of that year’s edition of the book. She saw it as a story (Emily Post was originally a novelist!) as much as a series of instructions, noting that the addition of a repeating set of characters “gives the work all the force and the application of a morality play.” Legend has it that the Mrs. Worldlys and Mr. Gildings of the book were based on the real people of upper New York society that Emily Post knew.

While she loves the “sprightliness of Mrs. Post’s style,” Parker finds fault with the person who perfectly follows every rule of the lengthy tome.

Those who have mastered etiquette, who are entirely, impeccably right, would seem to arrive at a point of exquisite dullness. The letters and the conversations of the correct, as quoted by Mrs. Post, seem scarcely worth the striving for. The rules for the finding of topics of conversation fall damply on the spirit. “You talk of something you have been doing or thinking about–planting a garden, planning a journey, contemplating a journey, or similar safe topics. Not at all a bad plan is to ask advice: “‘We want to motor through the South. Do you know about the roads?’ Or, ‘I’m thinking of buying a radio. Which make do you think is best?’”

I may not dispute Mrs. Post. If she says that is the way you should talk, then, indubitably, that is the way you should talk. But though it be at the cost of that future social success I am counting on, there is no force great enough ever to make me say, “I’m thinking of buying a radio.”

Of course, this is part of what we are trying to accomplish in our discussions on etiquette here on Uncommon Courtesy, exactly how to find the balance between the perfectly polite while still retaining your personality and meshing all the different ideas that people have about etiquette with what is generally considered to be correct. Anyway, go read the whole essay, it’s fantastic.

 

Nancy Mitford and U vs Non-U Speech

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Nancy Mitford calling to say you sound like a pleb. [Via]

Obviously, I think that etiquette and manners today has nothing to do with wealth or social class- manners are for everyone! Historically, however, the rise of etiquette books in the Victorian period had a lot to do with the growing middle class and their desire to act like the upper classes. So someone had to teach them how to act. But then the rich caught onto this and constantly changed the rules to throw the middle classes off. Nice, huh? The moral of the story, is that there was (is?) a way to tell social class, regardless of money or education.

In the 1950s, Nancy Mitford (of the endlessly fascinating Mitford sisters), borrowed an idea from British linguist Alan S. C. Ross about U vs non-U vocabulary and wrote a very popular essay about it, “The English Aristocracy,” in which she gave a list of words that were Upper Class (U) and their non-U (not Upper Class) counterparts. She argues that with the Upper Classes in Britain no longer being necessarily richer or better educated than anyone else, their language was the only thing left to distinguish them as Upper Class/aristocratic.

A selection:

U
Bike
Vegetables
A Nice House
Graveyard
Die
Jam
Napkin
Sofa
Rich
Lunch then Dinner
Non-U
Cycle
Greens
A Lovely Home
Cemetery
Pass on
Preserve
Serviette
Settee or Couch
Wealthy
Dinner then Supper (except U-children and U-dogs also have these meals!) [ed. this is my fave]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Interestingly, Emily Post had her own list of “U vs Non-U” vocabulary in 1920 (30 years before Nancy Mitford’s famous essay). Some of Emily’s choices:

U
At our house we go to bed early (or get up)
Beautiful house—or place
Went to
Gave him a dinner
Had something to drink
Wash
Non-U
In our residence we retire early (or arise)
Elegant home
Attended
Tendered him a banquet
Partook of liquid refreshment
Perform ablutions

 

 

 

 

 

Perhaps you will notice a pattern in both the Mitford and Post lists- a large portion of the “non-U” word choices are pretentious and overly wordy. Mitford actually says that the “non-U” speakers are mostly among the middle class- the lower classes tend to use the same words as the U speakers. The reason for this is that the lower and upper classes were pretty comfortable with their station and it was only the middle classes that were striving to “better themselves” by using fancy words that they thought sounded upper class.

Now, Mitford’s essay wasn’t completely accepted as truth, even at the time. Evelyn Waugh wrote a rebuttal essay that was published in Noblesse Oblige: a book containing Mitford’s essay, the original article by Ross, Waugh’s rebuttal, and other related essays. Waugh argues that these “U” and “Non-U” differences don’t actually exist as language is constantly in a state of flux and is also regional and family specific.

Today, especially in America, I don’t think you can pick out any words as being specifically upper vs middle class (unless you are the type of person to see entire regions as more lower class than the region you live in!), our culture is too homogenized for that, and it seems that differences are more regional and generational.  Though in 1983, Paul Fussell argued that America does have a class system in Class: A Guide Through the American Status System. His benchmarks for upper, middle, and lower class were: the upper class says “Grandpa died,” the middle class says “Grandpa passed away,” and the lower class says “Grandpa went to Jesus.”

However, I think the point about pretension vs being comfortable with yourself absolutely does exist, and for that reason, Emily Post’s list seems to hold up pretty well. Pretension is sort of rude because it is extreeeemely annoying- we all know someone who uses “myself” instead of “me” (incorrectly) and other big words that they don’t seem to know the meaning of, or they just talk in a roundabout manner of “needing to equip themselves with the necessary instruments of learning” instead of “buying school supplies.” This kind of thing makes everyone uncomfortable, and as we all know, causing discomfort in others is one of the hallmarks of rudeness.

What say you? Is pretension rude? Are there any words or phrases that you would argue are definitively class-based? Are middle class people in Britain really trying to act working class? Tell me in the comments!!

How To Handle Yourself In An 17th-Century Coffee House

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Some notes about the Coffee House, a private club : together with a list of resident and non-resident members : and including the rules of the Coffee House, rule six being that there shall be no rules. New-York Historical Society

Some notes about the Coffee House, a private club : together with a list of resident and non-resident members : and including the rules of the Coffee House, rule six being that there shall be no rules. New-York Historical Society

Are you guys watching Cosmos? I just caught up, and in the episode about Newton and Halley and how humans figured out the stars, Neil DeGrasse Tyson mentions how these young intellectuals often met in coffee-houses. He describes them as places where “a poor man need not give up his seat for a rich man.”

Coffee houses first appeared in cities like Istanbul and Damascus in the 1500s, and popped up in Europe in the 17th century. In the Middle East they had become popular places for political gatherings, but also for social and business causes. In 1883 the Coffee Public-House News published that in Turkey, “Coffee is consumed by all classes at all hours and on sorts of occasions. The little berry is indeed a very factor in Turkish society. Nothing is done without it–no business discussed, no contract made, no visits and civilities exchanged without the aromatic cup, and the accompanying chiboque or narghileh. If a purchaser enters a bazaar to purchase a shawl or a carpet, coffee is brought to him. If person calls at another house, coffee with the tobacco must greet the new comer. There can be no welcome without it, and none but words and forms of general etiquette take place until this article has been served all round. At parting, coffee must still be present, and speed the guest his way.”

Similar rules soon entered English society as coffee houses gained popularity in London. Tyson was correct that one of the main draws of the coffee house was that any man could enter and sit where he like, regardless of social status–as long as he could afford the one-penny fee of entrance, which generally meant the middle class were the “worst off” in any given room. Women, however, wouldn’t be caught dead in one, and according to Public Domain Review, “The fair sex lambasted the ‘Excessive use of that Newfangled, Abominable, Heathenish Liquor called COFFEE’ which, as they saw it, had reduced their virile industrious men into effeminate, babbling, French layabouts.”

Hints on Etiquette and the Usages of Society: With a Glance at Bad Habits by Charles William Day notes, “On entering a coffee house and sitting down take off your hat; it is only a proper mark of respect to your own class towards whom you should pay the same deference you exact from others.”

However, this social class free-for-all worried some.  In 1674 A Brief Description of the Excellent Vertues of that Sober and Wholesome Drink, Called Coffee was published, a broadside that extolled the benefits of coffee, especially in a culture where beer was the popular drink. But the other side of the broadside was the poem The Rules And Orders of the Coffee House, which included monetary penalties for rude behavior:

THE RULES AND ORDERS OF THE COFFEE-HOUSE

Enter, sirs, freely, but first, if you please,

Peruse our civil orders, which are these.

First, gentry, tradesmen, all are welcome hither,

And may without affront sit down together:

Pre-eminence of place none here should mind,

But take the next fit seat that he can find:

Nor need any, if finer persons come,

Rise up for to assign to them his room

To limit men’s expense, we think not fair,

But let him forfeit twelve-pence that shall swear:

He that shall any quarrel here begin,

Shall give each man a dish t’ atone the sin;

And so shall he, whose compliments extend

So far to drink in coffee to his friend;

Let noise of loud disputes be quite forborne,

Nor maudlin lovers here in corners mourn,

But all be brisk, and talk, but not too much;

On sacred things, let none presume to touch,

Nor profane Scripture, nor saucily wrong

Affairs of State with an irreverent tongue:

Let mirth be innocent, and each man see

That all his jests without reflection be;

To keep the house more quiet and from blame,

We banish hence cards, dice, and every game;

Nor can allow of wagers, that exceed.

Five shillings, which ofttimes do troubles breed;

Let all that’s lost or forfeited be spent

In such good liquor as the house cloth vent,

And customers endeavour, to their powers,

For to observe still, seasonable hours.

Lastly, let each man what he calls for pay,

And so you ‘re welcome to come every day.Rulesandorders_coffeehouse

Apparently this was hung on the walls of many an English coffee house. The Printers Devil says, “It is hard to gauge exactly how seriously one is supposed to take these ‘rules’; certainly, contemporary accounts make it clear that nearly all of these were, in practice, openly flouted by the patrons of such establishments. . .There is some evidence that this may represent something of the truth of the actual social mechanisms at work in coffee houses.” Similar to how many coffee shops may say “no laptops” but people just spend the whole time doing work on their tablets. Though really, if we could ban having to overhear the awkward first date conversations in coffee shops we would in a second.

Thank Goodness We Don’t Have to Do That Anymore: Paying Calls

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Not this kind of call. [Via FreeDigitalPhotos.net]

Not this kind of call. [Via FreeDigitalPhotos.net]

Jaya has already written a really great post about calling card etiquette that you should check out. But calling cards are only a small part of a larger social nightmare that was referred to as “paying calls.”

Paying calls as a formal social requirement was most popular in the Victorian Period (of COURSE) but was dying out when Emily Post wrote Etiquette in the 1920s. Oddly, my 1967 copy of Amy Vanderbilt still has a chapter on it, though she acknowledges that the practice died out after WWI.

The first thing you need to know is that calls were called morning calls even though they took place in the afternoon. This comes from an earlier practice where any time before dinner time was called morning.

The other thing to know is that paying calls was basically a full time job for society ladies. They would go around almost every day to their friends and acquaintances to keep up with what was going on with everyone and making sure your family was still in good standing. Basically, social networking before the internet. This was such serious business that women would keep ledger books of who they regularly called on, if those calls had been returned, and if they owed anyone a call. Then they would whip out these “calling lists” when it was time to host a party and boom, there is your invitation list.

Fortunately, you didn’t always have to actually talk to all of your friends. You could often just drive around to their houses and leave your card, thus getting your obligation out of the way (and your friends would keep everyone’s cards on a tray in their front hall so everyone could see how important they were!). This was especially important when you came to town after being away (or being at your country estate for a while). You would drive around and leave a card at the house of everyone in your social circle. That way they would know that you were around and they could invite you to parties and other social events. Then when you left town, you would do the exact same circle of friends and acquaintances, but this time you would write P.P.C. in small letters in a corner of your card. This is an abbreviation for pour prendre congé which, for those of you who have forgotten your high school French, means “to take leave” and would signal to everyone that you were leaving.

Aside from paying calls when you arrive in town, when you depart, and just the regular round, there were several situations that REQUIRED a call to be paid. Anytime you were invited to a ball or a dinner or any other kind of social function (whether you actually attended or not), you had to pay a call on the hostess within a week or so of the event. You also had to pay calls when a friend got engaged or when someone died. Men didn’t have to do the regular call paying, but they did have to pay calls after receiving invitations or attending parties. Anyone who didn’t pay these required calls would find themselves never invited to one of that hostess’s events again, so!

Interestingly, men also had a large number of calls to make after he got married. It was assumed that all the friendships of his bachelor days automatically ended when he got married. By paying a call on any or all of them after the wedding, it said that he found them respectable and wanted to remain friends.

When you actually wanted to see someone during a call and not just leave your card, there were additional rules to follow (of course!). You would enter the house and ask the butler or other servant if the lady of the house was at home. If she was out or busy, the butler would tell you straight away that she was “not at home” and you would leave your card and depart (however, if she heard your voice and wanted to see you, she might come out and say “I am at home to YOU, my friend!”). Some women would screen their callers by looking out the window and signaling to the butler whether they wanted to see them or not, but once the butler had taken the card and brought it to the lady of the house, she basically had to see the person. There was no pretending you weren’t home once your servants had acknowledged that you were.

So once you were in, you were brought into the drawing room, which is where guests were received. You would keep your hat on to signal that you weren’t staying long (men removed their hats but kept them in their hands). Conversation during calls was polite and mild. You would stay about 15 minutes and then you would leave. Refreshments were rarely served, but if they were, it was rude for a hostess to insist that her guests take something, as it was possible that they had had tea and cakes at the 6 houses they had previously called on and could not eat anymore.

A particular tradition around paying calls that was definitely common in New York City and likely in other places too, was the New Year’s Day call. This was a very regimented form of calling where all the women of the family would be at home all day with a spread of nice foods and all the men would go out and pay in person calls at the homes of practically everyone they knew. Since the men would be paying possibly 50-100 calls in the day, they would get started by 9 or 10 am, which meant that the women would have to be up, hair done, and in place in the parlor or drawing room by that time (so they would have to wake up by 5 or 6 am, or possibly earlier if their hairdresser was booked!). Then there would be a steady stream of men coming by all day long for just a few minutes at a time. A completely exhausting time for everyone. The practice died out when fashionable neighborhoods in Manhattan spread out and it wasn’t possible to visit all your friends in one day anymore.

Sources:

What Jane Austen Ate and Charles Dickens Knew: From Fox Hunting to Whist-the Facts of Daily Life in Nineteenth-Century England by Daniel Pool

Etiquette by Emily Post

The Gentleman’s Book of Etiquette and Manual of Politeness by Cecil B. Hartley

“New-Year’s Calls,” Harper’s Bazar Magazine January 1, 1870

Complete Etiquette by Marion Harland

Thank Goodness We Don’t Have to Do That Anymore: Hat Etiquette

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I could do a whole post on famous hats in movies. [ via Wikimedia Commons]

Technically, we do still have to follow hat etiquette. But since hats are no longer de rigueur, a lot of this has fallen by the wayside. However, when you do wear a hat, you really do need to follow this and shouldn’t wear your hipster fedora inside even though you think you are so cool. In fact, taking your hat off inside is probably the only hat etiquette rule that still needs to be followed.

Unfortunately, for equality, most hat etiquette is intended for the man. The reason for this is that men’s hats are easily removed. Women’s hats traditionally were very fussy and actually attached to their hair with hat pins and the like. Taking it off would also often mess up their hair dos. However, when a woman wears a gender-neutral hat like a baseball cap, she needs to also remove it when indoors. I would count warm winter hats as well, but you’re probably taking those off indoors already.

Interestingly, a hostess does not wear a hat in her own home. So if a woman were hosting a luncheon, bridge game, bridal shower, etc. in her home during the afternoon (in ye olden times) all of her female guests would probably be wearing hats, but she would not. Women did not wear hats with a brim after 5pm, they switched to cocktail hats which were much smaller.

An interesting exception to women keeping their hats on inside was when attending the theater. If one’s hat was so big as to obscure the view for someone behind them, the person who was being blocked could ask that the hat be removed and it should be done at once. It would be wise to wear only very small hats to the theater, obviously. Men took off their top hats when seated for the performance (collapsible top hats were made for this very purpose!) but they kept them on when strolling the corridors.

There is an exception to taking your hat off indoors. When you enter a public building and are using transitional spaces such as lobbies, hallways, and elevators, you do not need to take your hat off. Do take it off once you reach the office/apartment/whatever you are visiting. Hats remain on on public transportation and in stores as well. Hats are removed in restaurants (except when sitting at a counter in an informal restaurant).

In addition to indoors, hats need to be removed for the national anthem and passing funeral processions.

In some religious spaces, such as some Jewish synagogues, it might be required that men cover their heads. Go with what is done.

Traditionally, men spent a lot of time doffing their hats or tipping the brim. A man would remove his hat when meeting a woman in the street and stopping to talk with her. He would also take it off when a woman entered an elevator he was in. A man would briefly lift his hat or touch the brim when: greeting strangers on the street, after briefly speaking to a strange woman (after informing her of a dropped object, for example), when passing a woman in a tight space, to acknowledge a kindness or favor in public, or basically anytime he needed to acknowledge a stranger in public.