Category Archives: Etiquette History

Thank Goodness We Don’t Have To Do That Anymore: Dance Cards

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via Wikimedia Commons

“‘Here comes Ned Moffat. What does he want?” said Laurie, knitting his black brows as if he did not regard his young host in the light of a pleasant addition to the party.

‘He put his name down for three dances, and I suppose he’s coming for them. What a bore!’ said Meg, assuming a languid air which amused Laurie immensely.”

-Little Women

Dance cards are one of those things people are always referencing in regards to how stuffy etiquette is. They are a common trope in literature and movies about the “olden days” but how common were they really? And how were they used?

Before we get into dance cards, it is important to know a few things about balls from the early 1800s to the early 1900s. Hereby follows a brief history of social dance: In the early period (think Jane Austen times), social dancing was very formal with all the dancers dancing in a big group, moving around in figures, similar to square dancing (rent any of the many versions of Pride and Prejudice to see examples). Because of this, all the dancers had to be in place at the beginning of the dance and had to dance the whole dance.

A dance card is simply a card that was provided at large balls and dances with a list of the dances for the evening with a space beside it. The ladies would each have a card, sometimes with a small attached pencil, and when a gentleman asked her to dance, he would write his name in for a particular agreed upon dance. This was to help the lady remember who she agreed to dance with and to avoid the embarrassing situation of promising to dance the same dance with two different men. (Though I have always been confused about how the men were supposed to remember who they promised to dance with!)

Dance cards were common in Vienna for hundreds of years, but didn’t come into use in England or the US until the 1830s or so. The Viennese custom was probably introduced to the rest of Europe during the Vienna Congress of 1814/1815, which was a big meeting to settle Europe after the Napoleonic Wars. Right around this time was also a shift in dance styles from longer formal dances like the minuet to shorter dances like the waltz, meaning that there would be many more dances in an evening and more partners to remember. Because of this, ladies started taking it upon themselves to write down the names of their partners in small notebooks or on the backs of their fans. Later on, the ball organizers would have cards preprinted with the names of the dances with a space for your partner to write in his name.

Upon consulting a dozen or so etiquette books from the mid-1800s to the 1950s, it is unclear exactly how common dance cards were at any given point in time. The majority of etiquette books do not mention dance cards specifically and if anything simply allude to “being engaged for a dance.” By the time Emily Post comes along in the 1920s, she says that they are used at public balls and college dances but laments that they are unheard of in fashionable society. It seems as though when dance cards were used, they would be used to arrange to dance in the future, but if a gentleman asked a lady at the beginning of a dance if she was engaged for that dance and she was not, it would be perfectly fine for them to dance without having to write it down.

Dance cards clearly fell out of use when society, for the most part, stopped having formal, set dances. They aren’t particularly useful when you don’t have to know when the waltz, foxtrot, or rhumba are coming up. I think that later on in the early 20th century they were more of a keepsake, being highly decorated and with a list of all the dances and perhaps even the menu of refreshments, than a true way of keeping track of dance partners. Afterall, in the more modern form of social dancing, it’s much easier to quickly ask to dance than it was when dancers were set up in lines and figures that needed to be organized more in advance.

Some related ballroom etiquette:

  • If a gentleman other than your father or brother escorts you to the ball, you must give him the first dance and go into supper with him.

  • If you do accidently agree to dance with two different men for the same dance, it is better to dance with neither to avoid hurt feelings

  • You shouldn’t dance more than 2 or 3 times with the same person as the purpose of balls is to be social and mingle

  • You shouldn’t agree to dance dances when you don’t know the steps

  • If you accept an invitation to a ball you should be prepared to dance, not hang around the edges

  • A gentleman must ask a lady if she would like a refreshment after a dance, she may accept, but if she does, she shouldn’t keep him too long which might prevent him from being timely for the next dance he has promised to another

Many common sayings are derived from the use of dance cards. “To pencil someone in” comes from this practice as well as the more obvious use of “my dance card is full” to indicate a full schedule.

 

Bonus image because this dance card is a fan. via Wikimedia Commons

Tea Etiquette

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By Miya via Wikimedia Commons

I recently read an amusing little article in the New York Times about one tourist’s misconception of the English tradition of tea.

In it, the author makes the common mistake of confusing high tea and afternoon tea. High tea, which sounds very regal and la-di-da actually is another word for the evening meal- like supper (also just called “tea.” Now go find five usages in the Harry Potter books.). Afternoon tea is what we think of when we imagine having tea with the Queen (or am I the only one who imagines that?). My 18th birthday was actually celebrated with an afternoon tea party, because of course it was.

Afternoon tea became a thing in the early 19th century when the Duchess of Bedford found she was a little peckish in the late afternoons during a period where it wasn’t fashionable to have dinner until 8 in the evening. So she started having tea and some sandwiches and then invited some friends to join her and BOOM a defining cultural tradition is born.

High tea, the tea of the masses, was called such because it was served at a normal, high table, instead of the impractical little wobbly tables used by the aristocracy for their afternoon tea.

There is also a thing called a “cream tea” which is just scones with clotted cream and jam served with tea. I hadn’t heard of such a thing until I visited my sister when she was studying abroad in Brighton and we had it. Delightful! And much, much cheaper than the full afternoon tea spread.

Typically when you have afternoon tea, the food comes out in a particular order. Scones and clotted cream first, tiny sandwiches second, and little cakes and pastries third. Or they might come out all together on a big tier of plates and then you can eat in whichever order with reckless abandon. You will also be given a selection of teas and your own little pot of hot water to steep it in.

Some tea etiquette:

  • Sticking your pinkie out is an affectation, it should gently curve around the other fingers.

  • Eat scones the same way you would eat any roll at the table- break off bite sized pieces and put a small portion of cream and jam on and then eat and repeat.

  • Look into your tea cup when sipping instead of staring at your companions.

  • Don’t leave your spoon in your cup, rest it on the saucer.

  • If you are provided with a tea strainer, rest it over the top of your cup, pour the tea through it into the cup, and remove the strainer. There should be a little dish to put the wet strainer on.

  • Traditionally, milk was put in the cup before the tea because older teacups had a tendency to crack when the hot tea was added. However, both are acceptable today, according to your own taste.

  • If the sugar is served in cubes, use the provided tongs to serve yourself instead of your spoon or fingers.

  • If lemon wedges are provided, they might be tied up in a cheesecloth so that they can be squeezed without the seeds flying out. Place used lemon wedges on the side of your saucer if there is no plate provided for them.

  • The spout of the teapot should face the host(ess) when using one teapot for a group.

  • When sipping your tea, lift only your cup and leave the saucer on the table.

I Read a 500 Page Emily Post Biography So You Don’t Have To

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Emily Post: Daughter of the Gilded Age, Mistress of American Manners by Laura Claridge is a fascinating in-depth biography of our favorite etiquette expert, Emily Post. Very in-depth and looong. So I have compiled twenty of the most interesting facts about this woman who was so much more than just an etiquette expert.

1. Her father participated in the building of the Statue of Liberty base and she played inside as a girl. She also attended the opening of the Statue.

2. Her father was a famous architect who basically built Tuxedo Park, NY.

3. Was called the best banjoist in fashionable society when she was young. Banjos were trendy in the 1890s.

4. Motto was “toujours la politesse, jamais la verite” meaning “always courtesy, never the bare truth.”

5. She had a terrible loveless marriage and was divorced. As a dissatisfied wife, she took up writing and was a successful novelist.

6. She was a guest at Mark Twain’s 70th bday party.

7. After her divorce, she helped with interior design for her father’s architect friends and was somewhat of an amateur architect herself. She even wrote a famous book on architecture.

8. She started writing non fiction as an advice columnist but she was originally discouraged from writing about etiquette publishers thought it would be tedious for her.

9. She took a road trip across the US in 1915 with her sons and wrote about it. This was before there were good roads and they were constantly getting stuck in the mud.

10. Her son received the first award conferred on an American pilot during WWI.

11. Emily liked to claim that everyone had begged her to write etiquette, it was more something that was offered to her and she took on bc she found the existing books so bad.

12. She wrote the first edition Etiquette longhand in a year and a half. Published in July 1922, Etiquette originally cost $4 (abt $45 today).

13. Emily was listed as one of Life magazine’s 100 most influential people of the 20th century.

14. Statistics say that Etiquette was the second most stolen book from public libraries, after the bible through the end of the 20th century.

15. She was an activist against prohibition.

16. She hosted an etiquette radio show during the 1930s and loved being on the radio.

17. Was not above some snobbishness: when the Duke and Duchess of Windsor were touring the US, she said he should be addressed as royal highness and she should be addressed as “you.”

18. As an older woman, she had a closet full of red shoes.

19. After WWII she worked to bring Jewish orphans to the United States.

20. Didn’t care about elbows on the table and would regularly put hers on the table at fancy parties.

Thank Goodness We Don’t Have to Do That Anymore: Bundling

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Bundling is another fun and folksy tradition that seems pretty strange today.

Bundling: because people have different mating practices than pigeons.
By Aomorikuma (あおもりくま) (Own work) [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html) or CC-BY-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

The basic idea is: a boy and a girl like each other and want to get to know each other better. However everyone lives in tiny houses with tons of people so there is no privacy. Also it’s winter and the house is cold. So what do you do? You throw those two crazy kids into bed with a board between them for propriety’s sake and let them chat all night. (It also helped to conserve candles and firewood- practical!)

An alternate version was tying each person up in a sack to their necks so that no hanky panky could happen.

How well the practice actually worked at upholding good American morals is anyone’s guess- Washington Irving noted “that wherever the practice of bundling prevailed, there was an amazing number of sturdy brats born” so maybe it didn’t work so well after all.

There were even popular songs about it:

Nature’s request is, give me rest,

Our bodies seek repose;

Night is the time, and ’tis no crime

To bundle in our cloths.

Since in a bed, a man and maid

May bundle and be chaste;

It doth no good to burn up wood

It is a needless waste.

Let coat and shift be turned adrift,

And breeches take their flight,

An honest man and virgin can

Lie quiet all the night.

It seems to have been most common in colonial America and had pretty much died out everywhere by the 20th century, after being practiced by the Amish for some time beyond everyone else.

It seems like a kind of warm and cozy first date- maybe I will add it to my OkCupid profile. What do you think, would you like to bundle up with someone this winter?

 

You can read a LENGTHY 1930’s treatise on the practice here if you are interested.