Category Archives: Advice

You Do Not Have A Year To Send Thank You Notes

Posted on by

1

no-letters-webThe other day, while on our various rounds to wedding websites because we like to see how things are done, we stumbled upon YET ANOTHER person saying something along the lines of “well whatever, even Miss Manners says you have up to a year after the wedding to send thank you notes.” We’ve addressed this before. Miss Manners has called it “slander.” (FYI she says: “It is a popular young brides’ tale (as opposed to an old wives’ tale) that one can take up to a year writing thank-you letters for wedding presents.This is not true, and never has been. Thank-you notes are due right after presents are received.”) And yet the myth persists. Today, we try to figure out just who the hell is perpetuating it.

Victoria: First off, Miss Manners is the STRICTEST etiquette expert. She doesn’t even like registries and will call it a “shopping list.” She pretty much thinks you should psychically figure out what people are getting you and send the note ahead of time so it arrives the same time the gift does, lol.

Jaya: Yeah, and that’s insane. But now I’m worried. If enough people think that you have a year, is that gonna become the rule? Hahah “worried.” Obviously there are bigger issues, but still.

Victoria: I mean, we can only do so much.

Jaya: I personally do not care about settling on a specific time frame. I’ve gotten letters late and it’s been perfectly fine (more on that in another post). I’m just frustrated that people seem to get tied up in the rules and forget about looking at this from a common sense perspective. Waiting a year to send thank you notes just does not make sense. Would you feel very thanked and appreciated if you got a note a year later?

Victoria: Exactly. Besides, then you just have them hanging over your head for a year.

Jaya: I’m guessing if you’re the type of person to think a year is ok, you wouldn’t feel like it’s “hanging over your head.” I  mean maybe they are, but I always felt like if you really wanted to thank someone, you’d do it quickly whether “etiquette” says so or not.

Victoria: Yeah! Like why would you bother sending thank you notes a year after the wedding? At that point no one even remembers, and the people who do are already mad at you about it.

Jaya: Hahahahaha. Ok, so where the hell did this idea that you have a year came from?

Victoria: I think it came from the idea that you do, technically, have a year to send a gift, and people got confused about what you had a year to do. And if someone sends you a gift 8 months later, you are going to be sending out that thank you note 8 months after the wedding. But not for gifts that got there around the wedding! Although, I feel that waiting a year to give a gift is kind of dumb too.

Jaya: Yeah, that seems impractical.

Victoria: On the other hand, maybe it’s wise to wait—especially if you are going to a celeb wedding—they might be divorced by the time you get around to it.

Jaya: MISS MANNERS MADE THAT SAME QUIP ABOUT CELEBRITIES AND QUICK MARRIAGES!

Victoria: I have been reading her column regularly.

Jaya: Maybe it’s that people planning weddings are looking for any excuse not to have to do something.

Victoria: Haha yeah, but that’s a total bridezilla move, to write off something for the courtesy and happiness of your guests/loved ones in order to make something easier for yourself.

Jaya: I have noticed another trend of waiting to send thank you notes so you can include photos. Most of the ones I’ve gotten 4-5 months out have prints of the bride/groom and any of me that the photographer managed to snap. Which is nice, but there is also no reason why you can’t do both.

Victoria: I honestly think most people would prefer a plain old thank you note on time to stewing for 6 months waiting for a photo- which 75% of the guests will throw away. And with a picture of the bride and groom, unless you are super close- what are you going to do with it???

Jaya: Yeah! I am not gonna have my 2nd cousin’s wedding photo framed in my apartment.

Tarot Card Etiquette with Jolie Kerr

Posted on by

3

51193491_2Look, I don’t care how much you think tarot cards are bullshit, or how sad you think that neon “tarot readings” sign looks in the 2nd floor of that apartment building over the chinese takeout place, or that you don’t get Stevie Nicks’s fashion. If that’s how you think you just probably were never a teenage girl who saw Practical Magic and then started buying all the incense and “spell books” she could at Barnes & Noble, and for that I’m truly sorry.

The thing is tarot is great.

Victoria and I went to college in New Orleans, where opportunities for tarot card readings, fortune telling, and more abounded in Jackson Square. Of course, at 19 we were too intimidated to speak to these women, with their candles and velvet and “do I look like I give a shit if you stop at my booth?” stares. But that’s because we didn’t have the wonderful Jolie Kerr around to tell us what’s what about tarot readings.

Though she’s best known as A Clean Person, Kerr also dabbles in the tarot arts, and we sat down with her to talk about how to get a tarot reading. First rule? Don’t be scared. “Tarot is not fortune telling. What it does is tell you a story based on a question you have in mind. But you can still change the outcome. Nothing is set in stone.” However, if you are a bit nervous, mention that to the person doing your reading so they can take it into account. Also, don’t freak out if you see a card with a scary or violent motif, as most cards are not literal. For instance, pulling “The Tower” (which depicts people falling from a burning building) usually is a sign of a change ahead, not that you will fall from a burning building.

So how do you get a tarot reading? Since this is an art based on intuition, Kerr suggests using your gut. “If you get a sense that someone is trying to rip you off, they probably are. If they don’t look like they know what they’re doing, they probably don’t.” Take a second to talk to them, and see if you feel comfortable. After all, what you’re going for is having a conversation about your life, so you’re going to want to feel comfortable opening up a bit.

Once you’re doing your reading, be sure to follow directions, and do not touch the cards until you’re instructed to. It’s also a good idea to wash your hands before touching the cards, out of respect, and just because a lot of people are probably touching that deck. In general, respect is the name of the game, as it is with many religious or spiritual practices. “If you come in not taking it seriously, you’re wasting both yours and the reader’s time. You may not really believe in it, but try to be open minded, even if just for that moment.”

As for payment, if the reader has prices posted then that’s that, but if they don’t it’s up for debate. Like with most instances of haggling, you can go lower but not too low. For instance, “if you have a friend with you, and the reader says it’s $35 a reading, offer $40 for both of you,” says Kerr. And as for tip? “I think readers would probably feel tipping is disrespectful, though if you have someone you regularly go to, you can tip them on Christmas, or the winter solstice.”

There is a tarot reader who set up shop in a shack next to a mechanic up my block, and thanks to Kerr, I will no longer fear going there! Ok, I still will, but not because I’m worrying about tipping.

Like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter! Got an etiquette question or funny story to share? Email us at info@uncommon-courtesy.com.

In Which We Have a Long Discussion About Holiday Invitations

Posted on by

1

I bet the Pilgrims didn’t have these anxieties. [Jean Leon Gerome Ferris [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons]

Dear Uncommon Courtesy,

I live very far from my family and it is usually too far and too expensive to go home for Thanksgiving. Fortunately, I have plenty of friends in my new city, and sometimes a significant other. These friends and significant others often invite me to join their families for Thanksgiving, but I’m very introverted and get anxious about spending big family holidays with other peoples families. How do I explain to my friends that I really prefer to be alone on the holiday or get over my anxieties and just go?

Signed,

Alone for the holidays

Official Etiquette:

No one is forcing you to go anywhere. Just politely say no.

Our Take:

Jaya:  I think one of the greatest, most empowering things about being an adult is making your own holiday plans.

Victoria:  Even if those plans involve eating take-out Chinese in your pjs and watching Netflix?

Jaya: Oh yeah. But I get it, there’s this big expectation for you to Do Stuff.

Victoria:  I mean, ok, so I relate to this a lot, and sometimes I think that I want to spend a holiday all alone, but then I am afraid I will end up feeling lonely and sorry for myself.

Jaya:  Do you think that’s because you really wanted to go somewhere? Or because you feel like that’s what you’re supposed to do?

Victoria:  I’m not sure! I’m lucky that I live with my sister and we get to have a low key holiday by ourselves, but it still feels like a holiday because we are family. We have passed on going to visit distant relatives that do live near us though.

Jaya:   I think the underlying point of any of these holidays is to be around people you love. For many that means parents/siblings/etc. Or close friends. But it’s not like, lacking any of those, you need to just find anything.

Victoria:  Yeah, that is true.

Jaya:  Sometimes you can totally find love and comfort with strangers, and that can be a whole different and great experience. But you don’t need to be around people just because you think you have to.

Victoria:  What do you do about the more tricky boyfriend/girlfriend situation? Where they are like, you should come home and meet my family?

Jaya:  I think holidays are a really high-pressure time to do a meet the family thing. I mean extended family, ok, but if you meet someone’s parents for the first time at their house that’s a lot to put on anyone. Especially an introvert.

Victoria:  When did you and Matt start going to each others families?

Jaya:  Haha well we’ve known each others families forever. That’s what happens when you meet as teenagers.

Victoria:  That’s true!

Jaya:  He spent Christmases with us before we were dating, so maybe not applicable. But anyway, if it’s not your first time meeting the family, but you’re invited by your SO.  I do think sometimes it can come off as rude if you say you’d rather spend holidays alone instead of with SO’s family, but that’s where communication has to come. If you have anxiety problems, this is something they should know and be able to back you up on if family starts asking questions.

Victoria: Yeah, totally, and maybe plan on getting out of the house for a little bit.

Jaya:  Yes. Excuse yourself for a walk. I also think a little white lying is not out of the question, depending on the circumstance, if it’s a group that would maybe not accept “I just want to be alone” as an answer.

Victoria:  But yeah, I kind of think if you expect to have a long term relationship with someone, you should suck it up and go.

Jaya:  Oh yeah. If you’ve been dating for three months and would prefer to stay home, yeah, but if it’s been 4 years, that’s no good.

Victoria: I also think, as someone who gets pretty anxious, that once I get there, I often have a great time, so sometimes talking yourself into going (to a friend’s or boyfriend’s or whatever) is worth it.

Jaya:  Absolutely. There is a lot to be anxious about, but you should know that if you have your friend or boyfriend or whoever there, you most likely have someone in your corner.

Victoria:  Totally!

Jaya:  Also, depending on who you are, I think sometimes putting yourself to work helps. I feel better when I’m busy, so if I can jump into the kitchen and help clean something or make a pie, I feel like I belong more.

Victoria:  And if you invite a friend to come home with you, be aware of them and what they might need to be comfortable.

Jaya:  Yes. So what should someone say if they’ve thought about this and really prefer to be alone?

Victoria:  I guess, you can try to just be vague and like, oh I have other plans. Or honestly, as long as you don’t mention being alone for Thanksgiving or whatever, people will just assume you are covered. Which brings me to another point of dropping hints if you DO want to be invited somewhere.

Jaya:  Oooh yes.

Victoria:  It’s a pretty tough position to be in where you’re like “hey I don’t have anywhere to go.” And you can’t really just ask to go home with someone for Thanksgiving. So you have to be all like, “oh I guess I’m just going to eat stuffing out of the box on my couch.”

Jaya:  Hahahaha I can see myself totally asking someone if I can come, which is why I need you in my life. And I think that, if you find yourself wanting to go somewhere but nowhere becomes available, going it alone can be sort of freeing. Go to a fun restaurant! Go to the movies!

Victoria:  Yeah! My sister and I do go to the movies sometimes on Thanksgiving! It’s great.

Jaya:  Oh yes. That’s a fun one. Oh, I just remembered, there was a great piece on A Practical Wedding about holiday plans when you’re newlyweds, but I think it applies to everyone. I think it speaks to what we say a lot. The idea of “tradition” can cause a lot of anxiety, but it’s good to remember that every tradition was new at some point, so if you want to break a tradition, or if it’s broken for you, it’s ok.

Victoria: Totally, I think that when you are newlywed and starting your own little family, its good to do your own thing and figure out what works. Being single both simplifies and complicates holidays though, lol.

Jaya:  True. Though I do think we put a lot of focus on romantic relationships as the be-all-end-all. Like, a single 27 year old has just as much right to set boundaries and figure out what works.

Victoria:  Oh totally, I mean it’s nice that you don’t really have to take anyone into account except for yourself. But then, you don’t have an automatic person who has your back and who you can just be alone with. And generally, being single, you get a pretty decent amount of alone time already.

Jaya: In conclusion, holidays do tend to cause anxiety. Which is a shame because they’re supposed to be about togetherness and comfort and there’s no shame in looking out for your own comfort whether that means going it alone, or asking someone to include you.

Victoria:  And definitely keep including your friends even if they are being prickly, just don’t pressure. I always appreciate open invitations, personally, even if I don’t take people up on them.

How Do You Eat French Onion Soup?

Posted on by

2

Do you know how hungry you get searching for pictures of French onion soup? via Wikimedia Commons

Dear Uncommon Courtesy,

How does one eat French Onion Soup (I mean the real stuff with bread soaking inside and a thick layer of ooey gooey stringy cheese on top) without looking like an ill-mannered heathen?

Cheers,

Soupless in Seattle

Official Etiquette:

Peggy Posts suggests using a knife to cut the cheese against the side of the bowl and then using the knife and spoon to get all the bits onto the spoon and into your mouth.

Our Take:

Victoria:  So soup!

Jaya:  Soup! I love soup!

Victoria: Me too and I especially love French onion soup, so I looked it up and Peggy Post suggest using a knife and a spoon to eat it, so you can cut the cheese as you go. Personally, I think a spoon is sufficient and you just twirl the cheese like spaghetti

Jaya:  That seems…complicated. The knife thing.

Victoria:  Yeah

Jaya:  Knives do not belong in soup. I like using the spoon to cut the cheese against the side.

Victoria:  Yep. It would be cool if there were special french onion soup spoons where they were kind of pointy.

Jaya:  Also some foods I think people need to accept will never be polite.

Victoria: Haha yeah, I mean its sort of hearty peasanty food, so does it really belong somewhere where you can’t have some cheese trailing from your mouth to your spoon?

Jaya:  Exactly! Do not serve complicated foods and get mean when people are sloppy with them (looking at you, any host who serves corn on the cob).

Victoria:  Hahah, I will serve you French onion soup sometime and you can be as messy as you wish. Also, I was surprised that there was so much French onion soup available in Paris- I had it in Paris for Thanksgiving one year (I’m trying to tie this into Thanksgiving since it is coming up).

Jaya:  Ooooooh that sounds delicious.

Victoria:  Also etiquette related, French onion soup is one of those things that has special bowls- like can you make it without the proper bowl? With the handle thingy? I mean, I do, but I think it tastes better with the special bowl.

Jaya:  Oh yeah, at least with a stone crock like that. You can use ramekins too.

Victoria:  I just use my normal bowls.

Victoria: I’m getting you French onion soup bowls for your wedding, I just decided.

Jaya:  I will gladly accept those.

A Vague Guide To Maybe Hitting On Someone

Posted on by

0

when-you-try-to-flirt-with-someoneI’ve attempted to write a How To Hit On Someone post for a while now, and man, it is impossible. I now fully understand why the only options out there are either the dangerous “physically pull a woman into your lap and make her push you away” or the vague “say hi, see if you have anything in common, and then move on if there’s no spark.” It’s because any middle ground is so personal and circumstantial. Some people like having drinks bought for them, others consider it an insult. Some people enjoy being approached, while others prefer to do the approaching. There’s almost no way to write something for everyone. Which is a shame, because neither “SEX IS A CONQUEST” nor “I don’t know, do what you want?” is helpful for anyone.

So, knowing that I can’t speak for anyone else’s experiences or tastes, I want to relate some times where I have been approached by a stranger in a bar, at a concert, or in another public setting  and how it worked out, since when you’re single the general idea is that you’re supposed to meet people in public settings. Many of these were in the successful range, others were not. Take from this what you will.

Do ask what I’m reading: Once I was at a bar alone, reading a book, waiting for my boyfriend. A guy came up to me and asked what I was reading, and at that particular moment I was feeling conversational, so I started talking to him. Within 15 minutes I was drinking beer with him and all his friends at his table. If he was sincerely hitting on me it didn’t work out because, duh, my boyfriend showed up, but all in all I think we had a pretty good time.

Don’t neg me about my race: If you’re not familiar with negging, it’s the process of insulting/ignoring the person you want to woo in the hopes that they will be confused enough to sleep with you. Yeah, I don’t get it either. But once a guy outside a bar kept saying out loud to his friends while pointing at me “She’s so hot, I don’t care if she’s hispanic.” 1. I’m not hispanic 2. It doesn’t even matter what race I am because holy shit what are you talking about?? I was drunk enough to get pulled into a conversation (argument) with him, in which later he insulted my friends’ intelligence and looks (“They’re not smart like you”), and was then baffled when I wouldn’t go home with him.

Do find common interests: When I was 22 I found myself in a weird bar in New Zealand (I mean, on purpose, I did not wake up on my 22nd birthday unable to remember how I got to this country), and everyone was dancing to really clubby music and it just wasn’t my scene. A guy apparently noticed this, and began talking to me about how it wasn’t his scene either. We got some drinks, sat in a booth in the back and talked for a really long time, and then made out for an even longer time. Common interests doesn’t have to be boring!

Don’t be surprised that we have common interests: I once was with a guy who basically sent flirting into overdrive once he discovered that I could quote The Blues Brothers and agreed that the best Guinness I ever had was in Ireland. The night went well, but in hindsight I find it sort of disturbing that his reaction was less “wow, I love that thing too!” and more “you’re so cool because most girls don’t like that thing!” Lots of people like lots of different things. Girls like video games, guys like fashion, gay men like football…etc. It’s a great moment of luck if you find out someone shares your tastes, but it shouldn’t be surprising because of their sex.

Do be honest if you’re attracted to something: If you find something attractive about someone, tell them! This can be physical, like telling them they have a nice smile or you like their hair. The whole point if this dating thing is that you’re supposed to find something attractive in the other person, so that’s nice to know! In early-on flirting situations I’ve had guys compliment some aspect of my body, and it’s usually felt pretty nice. If I’m starting to become basely, lustily attracted to someone, it’s nice to know it’s mutual.

Don’t focus entirely on the sexual: If you think this person has beautiful eyes, great, but for the love of god do not make that the entire thing about them. Feeling lusted after is nice, feeling like everything you’ve been saying for the past hour has been ignored because your partner cannot ignore their attraction is another.

Unfortunately, there is an infuriating key to this, that I cannot describe any other way than don’t do any of this as anyone other than yourself. I know, the “be yourself” advice is so frustrating to hear, because duh you’ve been yourself, how you can you be anyone but yourself, but “yourself” isn’t working. But yourself will work, I promise. Being yourself isn’t about being every aspect of yourself all at once from the get go, it’s about doing things in a way that feels natural to you while still being able to test the waters with someone new. So go forth and talk to people you find attractive! It’s ok, I promise!

Have you’ve ever been successfully wooed by a stranger? Let us know how it went!