Category Archives: Advice

Are Housewarming Registries Tacky?

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Dear Uncommon Courtesy,

What are your thoughts regarding housewarming gift registries, are they tacky or no? I think yes but a friend thinks no.

Sincerely,

Confusing New Territory

Official Etiquette:

Miss Manners discusses the history of housewarming parties, which were traditionally thrown when someone had deemed his or her move permanent. However, she says, “suddenly, housewarming parties are being given for every move, and not just temporarily rented quarters, but dormitory rooms and vacation sublets.” And while many would bring token gifts to congratulate the new homeowners, “hoping to furnish one’s quarters on other people’s budgets is not a proper reason for giving a party.”

Our Take:

Jaya: Oooh I have so many thoughts on this. My initial reaction is “eww, tacky,” but that’s pretty much my reaction to any hint of asking for presents. Like, it took me a while to get over the fact that I even had a wedding registry.

Victoria: Well, wedding and baby registries came into existence because weddings and baby showers were already events where people bought presents. And a lot of people were buying you presents at the same time, so it made sense to make a list of what you need so that the chaos would be a bit organized.

Jaya: Yeah. You know people are going to get presents for you, so you just make sure you don’t get four waffle irons. But anyway, thinking about it, I think in the right situation it’s pretty great. There’s been a lot of talk recently about how weddings are the only instance in most peoples lives that they get this sort of celebration for, and where it’s OK to have a registry, but the fact is that a lot of people aren’t going to get married. What if you’re single and you buy yourself a house? Is that any less of a thing to celebrate than two people getting married? Or what if you’re a couple but just don’t feel like getting married, but still achieve some stuff in your life that you think is important?

Victoria: I think they are tacky, not so much because they are asking for presents, but they are asking for presents in an instance when no one was planning on getting you a present, so now they feel like they have to? Obviously, hey, maybe you won’t get married, but you do get a PhD or buy yourself a house and why shouldn’t you get gifts for those things to? BUT the thing is, where do you then stop with all the gifts? What if you throw a big housewarming when you buy a house at age 25 and then get married at 30? Do the people who gave you housewarming gifts not have to get you a wedding present?

Jaya: You wouldn’t plan on getting your friend a present if they just move into like, a home they bought that they’re going to be in forever? Like Miss Manners says, I’m not getting you a toaster for having a dorm room, but I feel like housewarming gifts are pretty common, and if I’m gonna spend $30-50 on something like that, I’d rather do it on a small kitchen appliance they need or some nice hand towels than a bottle of wine and flowers.

Victoria: I think that most people are only really willing to give a person one major gift per lifetime (aside from parents, siblings, grandparents, etc), if that makes sense. Yeah, there are baby registries, but aside from extremely close relatives, most people give you an outfit or a toy or something else fairly small, or go in together as a group to buy a carseat or whatever. (I might be wrong about this though!).

Jaya: But if you’re doing one gift per lifetime, this could be it! If you know that you’re not gonna get married and you don’t want kids, I think a housewarming is a perfectly acceptable time to give that gift. Though you’re right, if you’re signing up for some registry every five years of your life, that’s going to come off as greedy.

Victoria: I think for housewarming registries to be acceptable, there would have to be a MAJOR cultural shift in expectations, and we are just not there yet. The root of the “rudeness” or “tackiness” about housewarming registries is that you are asking for gifts from people who were not planning on getting you a gift in the first place, which comes off as looking ridiculous. And if you are sending the registry information with the invitation, then that is RUDE—it makes it look like you are only interested in what someone is going to give you rather than wanting them to come celebrate with you. At least with weddings, you can have a website where you can include registry info as just part of a ton of supplemental information so that it never becomes the focus. And with baby registries, someone else should be hosting the event and thus requests for gifts are coming from the generosity of someone else.

Jaya: Yeah, if you do one it’s a place where you need to tread really, really carefully. As a side note, I remember my sister-in-law did a really big wedding registry, and ended up having to keep most of the stuff at her parents’ place because they did not have room in their tiny New York apartment, and figured when they moved into a house they’d take it all back. And then lo and behold she gets pregnant, so they just took all the stuff they couldn’t fit back to the store and got baby stuff instead. So that’s a built-in baby registry right there! You might not even need one!

Victoria: Honestly, celebrating someone buying a house is kind of like…congratulations, you have enough money to make a down payment? And therefore a probably a lot better off than a lot of your guests so, I should spend my money buying you a present to celebrate that rather than saving up for my own down payment?

Jaya: I think looking at it like “congratulations, you had enough money to make a down payment” is just as ridiculous as any of the other reasons we do registries. For a wedding it’s “congratulations, you met someone you like enough to live with forever,” and I don’t see why a relationship is that much more of an accomplishment. And especially since wedding registries were the original housewarming registries! I think it’s much tackier for a married couple to set up a registry asking for nicer versions of stuff they already have since they’ve been living together (which, yes, I am doing and I’m tacky and whatever) than a single person to set one up for their first house.

Victoria: While I think that we should be celebrating other accomplishments other than weddings and babies, I also think the bigger issue is instead of adding more “gift giving opportunities” (as my mom likes to call them), we (as a society) should be steering the focus away from gifts more. It’s just getting ridiculous, and even thinking about housewarming, and graduation, and birthday, and first car, and first job, and retirement, and funeral registries on top of everything else is just EXHAUSTING.

Jaya: That’s a great point. As a society we tend to associate celebration with gift giving. You get presents on occasions when people are celebrating you, when that really doesn’t need to be the case. So now someone sees a wedding and thinks “they’re being celebrated more because they get a registry, why can’t I be celebrated for my accomplishments?” And everyone should be celebrated for their accomplishments! We can just step away from celebrating with gifts!

Victoria: Yesss, who needs gifts? I bought myself a KitchenAid stand mixer and a Le Creuset Dutch Oven so I am already set for life.

Can I Hand Out Tissues to Strangers?

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Spread tissues throughout the land and you too might get your own postage stamp.
By USPS [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Dear Women Ladies,

After a particularly harrowing experience in 2nd grade where Ms. Cipriani didn’t have a box of tissues at her desk, I’ve always carried a pouch of pocket tissues on my person where ever I go. This resource became known throughout high school as I would happily dole out a mini-Kleenex tissue to anyone in my area with the sniffles. Now I ride the subway to work every day and am surrounded by strangers doing the last-gasp hard snffffpphh every thirty seconds in a desperate bid to keep the viscous waterfall from cascading down their noses, horrifying themselves and any small children in the vicinity.

My first instinct is to help and offer the tissues, but this seems like its own social gaff: eavesdropping on someone as they sniff; offering help to someone who might not want it; making them feel like scumbags in a moment of weakness, essentially saying “oh God ,you horrible snot-filled monster, please, for the sake of decent society, take some fucking tissues before you make the rest of us civilized folk gag, you uncaged, ravenous animal!!”

So, how do I politely help my fellow human people, countesses of courtesy?

– Johnny Tissueseed

Official Etiquette:

Miss Manners says it is good to offer a tissue to a crying stranger. She also doesn’t oppose offering a tissue to a coughing or sniffling stranger.

Anna Post, of the Emily Post Institute, says it’s fine to hand out tissues to strangers.

I had thought that older etiquette required that men relinquish their handkerchiefs to any damsel in need, but a perusal of old etiquette books did not support this theory.

Our Take:

Victoria: This question! So adorable I could die, but I also don’t know the answer.

Jaya: Haha I know! Well okay, I think if I were the sneezy person, I would like being offered a tissue.

Victoria: Totally.

Jaya: I think of it like offering a seat to someone who clearly needs it. Some old people are gonna get offended like “why do you think I’m so old I need a seat?!” but i think most 80 year olds would appreciate it.

Victoria:You can ask nicely, like, “would you care for a tissue?” So you don’t imply they are gross. Tone is important here, I think.

Jaya: Definitely. you need to make sure it’s an offer, not a requirement. Though, from that person’s standpoint, what do you do when you blow your nose? Just put it in your pocket?

Victoria: Just… whatever you would do if you remembered to carry tissues anyway. But yeah, put it in your pocket.

Jaya: But on the subway specifically there’s no place to throw it out! Okay, i guess that’s alright. Eeewwwwww.

Victoria: Let’s make UC handkerchiefs and hand them out on the subway.

Jaya: Hahahahaha

The Great Merry Christmas versus Happy Holidays Debate

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Happy Holidays is appropriately neutral, perfect for an elementary school sign. [ via Wikimedia Commons]

There is a great debate about whether it is rude to say Merry Christmas to everyone you meet in December because they might not celebrate Christmas, or it is rude to say Happy Holidays because it is too generic. So what is an uncommonly courteous person to do?

First off, quit lecturing people about your preferences! Laying into a poor cashier at Target for not using your preferred greeting (because they are psychic you know! And not at the beck and call of corporate regulations!) makes you a bad, rude person. Full stop.

Secondly, please expect that in fairly neutral environments like stores and businesses, people are going to go with the most neutral greeting possible. Also if you live in a fairly diverse city, you are probably want to stay on the neutral side with most people. 74% of Americans may be some variety of Christian (from heavily practicing to not-practicing-at-all), but that is not the case in places like New York City, so you are much more likely to run into people who don’t celebrate Christmas than in a small town where you know most of the people do. Even Miss Manners points out that Happy Holidays is perfectly reasonable given that almost everyone gets Christmas Day and New Years Day off from work, thus everyone should have happy holidays.

There is also no reason why you can’t keep your greeting neutral with strangers and deck the halls with all the Merry Christmases you want with people that you know celebrate. You don’t have to say the same thing all the time. It’s okay.

Also, I give people a break to say Merry Christmas on ACTUAL Christmas day. It’s one day and it’s a fact that it is indeed Christmas, just like someone saying Happy Solstice on the 21st or Happy Valentine’s Day on February 14, even if you don’t personally recognize those holidays. I think people are less bothered by it than if they have to hear Merry Christmas every day from Thanksgiving until December 25.

The Great Debate: Shoes Off or Shoes On?

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Imagine these shoes tromping through your house. via Wikimedia Commons

There is a great debate in some circles about whether it is rude or not to ask your guests to take off their shoes when visiting your house. On the one side are people who are worried about germs and dirt on their floors and rugs. On the other are a) people who don’t like taking off their shoes and b) people who think it comes across as scolding your guests and insinuating that they are dirty and germy. And everyone remembers the Sex and the City episode where Carrie didn’t want to take off her expensive shoes at a party because they were part of her outfit and they ended up being stolen. Today we tackle this important topic.

Official Etiquette:

Miss Manners: Suggests volunteering to take your shoes off if they are wet and muddy. As a host, you should be so excited to see people that you don’t even notice what their feet are doing, however, it is certainly very polite to be concerned about their welfare and sitting around with wet shoes on.

Emily Post Institute: Says it is the host’s right to ask you to take your shoes off, but suggests letting people know in advance so they can bring slippers or socks or something. However, they make exceptions for people you don’t know well and big parties- let people keep their shoes on in those instances.

Our Take:

Jaya: I mean obviously if someone asks you to take off your shoes in their house, do it.

Victoria:  Yessssssss, but….I think there are some circumstances that can come into play.

Gross story time! I once had a plantar wart on my foot and I told my host I could not take off my shoes because it was gross and no one needed to see that. And some people have foot problems that require them to wear shoes.

Jaya:  Ahhh true. And gross! How should they handle that if they go into a house where they know they’re expected to remove their shoes? Wear socks?

Victoria: Well, in many cultures where the shoe removal thing is required, the host will often have little slippers for guests to use. And I have read that in places where shoe removal is a practicality because of mud and slush and stuff, people will bring clean shoes with them and change into them from their street shoes.

Oh and of course we can’t talk about this without discussing the Sex and the City episode where Carrie has to take off her shoes at a party and then they get STOLEN!

Jaya:  Yup! Stolen shoes is a big thing in India, I know, when you’re supposed to remove your shoes before going into temple.

Victoria: Oh yeah, don’t little kids hang out at the Taj Mahal and offer to guard your shoes for money?

Jaya:  Yup, which is why I wore flip flops and put them in my bag.

Victoria:  Smart!

Jaya:  I mean most temples people are a lot more respectful, but yeah, in the tourist traps that stuff happens.

Victoria:  I’m sure. You were telling me before about how you feel like guests are comfortable if they don’t take their shoes off at your house?

Jaya:  Yeah. I don’t require people to take off their shoes in my house, but I get uncomfortable more in a sense that I want them to be comfortable, and you always look like you’re ready to leave if you still have your sneakers on. Though it’s different for fancy parties if your shoes are a real part of your outfit. But I do cringe sometimes if I have a party and everyone is wearing heels because I feel bad for my downstairs neighbors.

Victoria:  Hahahah, too bad neighbors! Yeah, I agree about the comfort and the party shoes, I tend to feel the same way.

So I grew up in a part of California that had a really large Asian population and it was interesting to me how the cultural custom of taking off your shoes trickled down to everyone else.

Almost all of my friends would automatically take off their shoes as soon as they entered ANYONE’S house, which i haven’t really noticed anywhere else. At places I do take my shoes off, like your house, I usually walk in, and put my other stuff down first.

Jaya:  Oh yeah. My grandma is big on taking off your shoes, so I always do that first in her house. But with other people I generally put down my stuff first, not leave the shoes outside or anything.

Victoria:  Yeah, exactly. I think that basically, unless you have a good reason, if you see everyone else doing it, you should go with it. And if you are a host and you prefer that people take their shoes off, its fine to say so, but you shouldn’t push it with someone who doesn’t want to for whatever reason.

Jaya:  Did you ever see that Seinfeld episode where George’s dad had a girlfriend in Korea but couldn’t marry her because he wouldn’t take off his shoes?

Victoria: Nope!

Jaya:  There’s a running joke that he won’t take his shoes off in front of anyone and it ruined his relationship. So you know, keep that realistic account in mind.

Victoria:  Haha yeah, exactly, unless shoes off are on are a major relationship deal breaker for you.

Jaya:  What about…foot odor?

Victoria:  I don’t know! I guess that could be a good reason to not take your shoes off or make sure you wear or bring socks. And, hey, if someone is forcing you to take their shoes off, they have to deal with the consequences.

Jaya:  Hahaha gooood point.

How Do I Send A Business Thank You Note?

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Even this baby knows to email a thank you after an interview. Via

Even this baby knows to email a thank you after an interview. Via

Dear Uncommon Courtesy,

What is the best way to thank someone in a business setting? I’m used to writing thank you notes for gifts and things, but not for job interviews or references.

Best,

Professional Confusion

Official Etiquette:

The Emily Post Institute suggests thanking twice, once verbally when leaving and once in writing. Ask A Manager says they are always a good idea, in email form, and intending to build on the conversation in the interview.

Our Take:

Victoria: Basically, the idea is that you should absolutely be writing thank you notes after all job interviews

Jaya:  Does it have to be on paper?

Victoria:  Nope, paper is way too slow! I started at my current job 2 days after my interview- paper would have gotten there way too late.

Jaya:  Yeah, and you’re probably already emailing with them.

Victoria: Also, you should wait at least a few hours to email it so it looks like you have actually considered your words and thought about the interview.

Jaya: Haha I never write interview thank you notes and that is why I never get hired.

Victoria: Duuuude, you need to.

Jaya: Well in my line of work usually they tell me a specific way to follow up, just like “send us clips/pitch something/etc.”

Victoria: That’s different because you’re still talking. And I would think maybe you would say “it was great talking to you….here are my clips.”

Jaya: Yeah, that’s what I usually do.

Victoria: Then you are doing it!

Jaya: But I remember I got a handwritten thank you note from a girl I had a 15 minute conversation with about working in in my field,  and I was like ‘gahhhh what is this.”

Victoria: Was it just an informational interview?

Jaya: Basically? She was a friend of a family member, just graduated, wanting to know what working in my field was like. Can we make a point that I am the worst at etiquette because people do stuff and I’m like “ew what are you doing, everyone stop talking to each other.”

Victoria: You are not the worst! But for those I do send handwritten notes because the person took actual time to help me out. But that reminds me of another thing I was thinking of recently that’s kind of a side topic.

I went on an informational interview once and the person who was talking to me bought us coffee. And now thinking about it, I probably should have bought the coffee and should have made it clear in my original email to her, like, could I buy you a cup of coffee and ask you about how you got your job and how can I get a job like it.

Jaya:  Really? I mean, that doesn’t come off as a bribe?

Victoria: Nah. But yeah, it’s confusing! Because they are probably the more successful person and you are probably broke-ish.

Jaya:   I think it depends on who does the asking.

Victoria:  Hahaha, like a date.

Jaya: Hahahaha, and you have to leave your napkin on the left when the interview is over.

Jaya:  So what do you actually say in your thank you notes? My standard for interviews is something like “just wanted to thank you for taking the time to talk to me. I’m very excited about the position, and please let me know if you need anything else from me…”

Victoria:  I have actually started eliminating the thank you part- as these are supposed to be more of a follow up, and you are kind of equal partners in finding a good fit for you and for them. And it’s really more of a business meeting than someone really giving you their time. They want you to solve a problem for them!

Jaya:  Oh interesting! What do you write?

Victoria:  Here is a sample:

Dear Whoever,

It was such a pleasure to meet you today. I really enjoyed our conversation about your wonderful company and really appreciate your taking the time to meet with me.

The position sounds like it would be a great fit for my skills and career goals and I want to reiterate how excited I would be for this opportunity. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Victoria

So I guess I sort of thank them in saying I appreciate you taking the time to meet with me but I just don’t like saying thank you.

Jaya:  Ahh yeah. Damn yours is better, no wonder you get hired.

Victoria:  Hahaha, I mean, I’ve used the same format for all of my recent interviews and it was only successful 1 out of 10 times. I would also be a bit more specific in what skills I had discussed in the interview that I think would be a good fit. And maybe add in a bit about what I liked about the company. But anyway, working in HR a bit myself, it is noticed when people do or do not send SOMETHING. So it’s important.

Jaya:  That’s good to know that people actually notice it. I feel like a lot of people think “ehh who cares” but it makes a difference!

Victoria:  Another thing- you should send a note to everyone who interviews you- like if you sit in with a couple different people or whatever.

Jaya:  I try to do that but damn, it is so hard to get everyone’s names.

Victoria:  However, I did have one interview where all my contact was with HR, but I also spoke to a person who would be the supervisor for the role. She didn’t give me a business card or any contact info and told me to direct all questions to HR, so I didn’t send her a note, just sent to HR. Sometimes you can look them up on the company website or on LinkedIn, but just do your best and ask everyone for a card!