Author Archives: Uncommon Courtesy

Is It Okay to Attend an Acquaintance’s Burlesque Show?

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I saw Burlesque in theaters and definitely wanted it to be better.

I saw Burlesque in theaters and definitely wanted it to be better.

Hiya,

I have friends from high school, etc. who are now burlesque artists. We only see each occasionally, but I like supporting their careers with likes on Facebook. However, what is the etiquette on seeing their shows? Is it weird to have people you know in real life attend your burlesque?  I don’t know if you two know, but I trust you both to have a thoughtful answer.

Many thanks,
Don’t Want to be Weird

Victoria: Okay, so I don’t think it’s a big deal to go and see the shows.

Jaya: No. The whole point of public performance is, you know, public. But it may be different depending on whether the LW was invited to the show, or just saw it on Facebook.

Victoria: Yeah, that’s true. Being specifically invited is more welcoming. If you just see it, go once and see how the person reacts.

Jaya; Even if it’s one of those mass invites where you send it to all of your Facebook friends

Victoria: Yes, I think that signals that they don’t care who comes and are welcoming everyone.

Jaya: Yeah, and it makes it seem like LW it as least at an acquaintance level with the burlesque folks. I think it’s weirder if you haven’t talked to someone in 10 years and show up like “I saw this on FB”

Victoria: Hahah yeah, unless they are like, omg I just moved to town and I thought it would be great to see you again. Although, I suppose you could ask them to get coffee with you too. I’ve gone to plays and stuff for people I haven’t seen in a thousand years and it can be a nice way to meet up again. Just don’t monopolize their time at the event.

Jaya: Definitely, and I think some standard burlesque etiquette applies here–don’t objectify anyone, don’t make weird comments about their bodies or sex lives, etc.

Victoria: Yeah, and I would give the caveat that it’s going to be a lot weirder for a man you haven’t seen in ages to come to a random burlesque show than a women.

Jaya: Absolutely, if you’re a single man coming to a female FB friend’s burlesque show, consider bringing a woman along. And you know, doing your part to dismantle the patriarchy so women don’t have to be concerned about a single man’s presence in the first place.

Always Thank You Note Questions

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If I had infinite dollars, I would only buy fancy stationery.

If I had infinite dollars, I would only buy fancy stationery.

Dear Uncommon Courtesy,

 

I know that thank you notes, specifically wedding thank you notes, are a hot topic on the site! I’m getting married next month, and–don’t worry!–we plan to send thank you notes promptly after the big event. 
Here’s where modern wedding arrangements and technology complicates things. We’ve been living together for years.Our family and friends are located all over, meaning that more than half of the wedding guests are traveling out of state (some out of the country) for this thing. The wedding is actually an 8 + hour drive for us. Nobody wants to transport heavy housewares around the country. So, we set up a housewares/honeymoon registry on SimpleRegistry.com. Which yes, we know is controversial, but our guests seem into it for convenience.
Anyway, here’s what I don’t know how to navigate. I’m getting a bunch of notifications that people are sending us gifts through the site. Some of whom are coming to the wedding, some of whom are not. Should I wait until after the wedding to send thank you notes? 
More complex: we’re taking our honeymoon three weeks after the wedding. Some of the cash gift categories on the site are for specific honeymoon experiences (meals, boat rides, etc.). Should I wait until after the honeymoon to send these thank you notes so they can be more specific and we can talk about how we enjoyed the experiences? I know that promptness is encouraged, but “Thanks Cousin! Your cash gift enabled us to enjoy some delicious treats on our honeymoon. We had the most fantastic macarons at an adorable cafe overlooking the Seine.” is a lot more personalized than “Thanks Cousin, for supporting us through a cash gift as we begin our marriage.”
I’d love to hear your thoughts!
Sincerely,
Promptly Thankful

Jaya: Okay, so there’s a lot here! So first off, transporting heavy things across the country. I wouldn’t worry about this.

Victoria: Yeah, people will figure it out. Plus, BTW to EVERYONE, you are supposed to ship the gifts to the couple/the bride’s home! Don’t bring it to the wedding. Because thats a pain for you and its a pain for the couple to get it home.

Jaya: That is a plus side of registries. People don’t want to schlep a stand mixer to a wedding, and I don’t want to schlep one home!

Victoria: Exactly, I mean, even if you buy off the registry, you should ship it to them. The registry will probably even tell you what address it should be sent to.

Jaya: Definitely. Unless there are explicit instructions otherwise.

Victoria: Yeah, always follow directions.

Jaya: But with thank you notes, I think everyone should be doing them as they get the gifts, even if some of them are cash to be used for specific honeymoon activities.

Victoria: Definitely, always always always send thank you notes as you receive the gifts. This way the giver knows that you received it and doesn’t have to wonder. Plus it cuts down on the amount of work you have to do after the wedding.

Jaya: Definitely. And if it’s for something on the Honeymoon, you can just word it about the anticipation. Instead of “Thanks, Cousin, for your gift that let us eat some delicious treats on our honeymoon” you can say “we can’t wait to eat some delicious treats on our honeymoon.”

Victoria: Yeah! And when you get back, there is nothing stopping you from sending them a quick email with a picture of you doing the activity that they gifted!

Jaya: The one I was always the most awkward about was thank you notes to people not invited to the wedding

Because there is that aspect of like…why are you sending me a gift? I know gifts are gifts etc, but it’s weird!)

Victoria; Haha yeah, that would weird me out too. I guess you just say, thank you so much for the [gift]. It is so kind of you to be thinking of us during this special time and we value your support.

And then…let it go?

But yeah, I think its easier to deal with when its older people. I think it would be really weird if a peer sent something and you weren’t inviting them to the wedding.

Jaya: Yeah, and short and sweet always works. Just try not to mention the wedding itself.

I’d like to take this time to encourage people not to send gifts for weddings they’re not invited to, unless it was a courthouse wedding/explicitly very small wedding. Maybe not all people getting married are like me, but you’ll probably be making the couple feel really guilty.

Victoria: And if you ARE a peer who wants to send a gift, please include a card that says “I know you are having a small wedding and I am very happy for you, so I really wanted to give you a little token of my affection with no strings attached.”

Jaya: Yesssss. That’s good.

Victoria: Except try to make it not sound passive aggressive. But if you are close enough to send a gift, you are probably close enough to get the right tone in.

Jaya: Definitely.

 

RSVP Semantics

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Jaya: This Facebook thing is freaking me out. Like, no, you don’t get to assume that if my plans open up I’ll be there. I think it’s very emblematic of the way we expect people to RSVP now. That if there is an event, unless they have previous plans or are deathly ill, they will come. Whereas no, you can just turn down an invitation and never have to give a reason, even as small of a reason as “I have other plans”

Victoria: Is that an expectation?

Jaya: I think it’s getting to be one. More like, if you say you’re not going, there has to be a reason. Sometimes you just don’t want to go!

Victoria: Hmmm interesting

Jaya: Or sometimes there is a reason but you don’t want to say it.

Victoria: I guess I don’t get invited to much that I don’t want to go to. Or like, it’s not a real invitation.

Jaya: Omg I get so many random FB event invitations.

Victoria: Haha

Jaya: And I know a lot of those don’t come with the same expectations.

Victoria: I think I have my notifications for events like that turned off?  Cause I just went to my events page and I’m like hey, a million events!

Jaya: Ahhh. But yeah I think it’s a difference. “Not going” is more vague. “Can’t go” suggests there is something preventing you from going.

Victoria: Yeah, definitely. Although, I suppose it’s just semantics. I can’t go [because I don’t want to go] still works. But yeah, I do think Not Going is a bit more neutral. I’ll get Mark Zuckerberg on the phone and let him know.

I did actually have a weird thing recently- I couldn’t go to an because I was out of town, but once I replied “Not Going” I didn’t seem to be able to post on the wall the reason why. But maybe that was a FB app issue.

Jaya: Hmmm weird. That might be a phone thing yeah.

Victoria: So that was much more annoying to me, that I couldn’t actually give a reason why I couldn’t go when I did have one.

Do I Have to Hang Out With My Friend’s Awful Partner?

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Advice does not apply for significant others that are actual demons [Via aPublic Domain Review]

Advice does not apply for significant others that are actual demons [Via Public Domain Review]

We got this question on Twitter:

If my bf and I want to go out with a friend of ours, how can we not invite his gf who we don’t like?

(Reminder to send us your etiquette questions on Twitter @ucourtesy or email us at info@uncommon-courtesy.com)

Victoria: Okay, and she followed up that she cheats on him and stuff too, making her legit bad and not just like, annoying. So I think this is a verrrrry tricky situation where in general, it’s going to be REALLY hard to avoid hanging out with a friends significant other.

Jaya: Absolutely.

Victoria: Especially for a couple because you can’t then frame it as “boys night” or whatever.

Jaya: Yeah, if it’s single friends that’s one thing, but saying “I can bring my SO and you can’t” is unfair. The only way I see it sort of working is if the three of them were all friends before, so it can be like “the three of us” instead of “couple and a friend.”

Victoria: Yeah, which is sounds like they might have been.

Jaya: But still tricky

Victoria: Yeah, I think you could do it OCCASIONALLY but not every time.

Jaya: And if he says “can I bring my girlfriend” you either have to say yes, or say no and risk him being really mad.

Victoria: Yeah. I mean, one way might be to get tickets to something and have a third and have there be no way to get a 4th. But that’s a lot of hoops.

Jaya: Yes, and then you risk him being like “not without my girlfriend” if it’s something she would normally wanna do/if she wants to be involved.

Victoria: Yeah. I mean, the one thing you could do if you are brave and talk to him. And be like, we love you and want to hang out with you, but we can’t stand Girlfriend. But you take a serious risk of losing your friend.

Jaya: Though I think there is an underlying thing here–if you see someone legitimately treating your friend badly, like cheating on them, do you tell them?

Victoria: I think you can! And should.

Jaya: Only if you’re really really sure.

Victoria: I mean, again, you do risk them ending your friendship. Yeah, for sure, you have to be absolutely sure.

Jaya: Also like, you know it’s cheating and not that they just have an open relationship or something.  Because if you’re like “she made out with this guy!” and he’s like “I know and it’s fine” then you’re in the place of being a dick.

Victoria: And like, if he knows about it and forgives her, then there’s also not much you can do there.

Jaya: Exactly. It’s tricky, and I think you can only really bring up not liking her if he asks first. And even then, be gentle, say something like “I’m not her biggest fan, I’m concerned with the way she treats you because of xyz” but if he says he wants to be with her say you support him and just want him to be happy.

Victoria: I mean, hopefully, he would also read social cues and realize he’s not getting as many invitations as he used to

Jaya: Yes. I think you can slyly keep inviting him to stuff and making him ask if he can bring his girlfriend, if you want to be passive aggressive about it, which I always do

Victoria; Hahahahah, love it.

 

 

Sharing Passwords and Breaking Up

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Breakups were so much easier when you didn't have to share passwords.

Breakups were so much easier when you didn’t have to share passwords.

Victoria: Is streaming-password bonding going to be the new fluid bonding? http://decider.com/2015/07/23/how-to-change-hbo-go-netflix-hulu-password/

Jaya: Oh man.

Victoria: I kind of think it doesn’t matter if your ex still uses your password? It doesn’t cost you anything. Although, maybe if they have a Netflix profile it’s annoying to see that.

Jaya: True, but I guess it’s more like, I don’t want us to share anything anymore. Can you imagine if a dude cheated on you and you still have to see what he recently watched?

Victoria: Yeah, true. I suppose it depends on how many people are sharing it- you might not notice. And weirdly I think Netflix is more personal thank HBOgo? I don’t know how Hulu plus works.

Jaya: Hahaha yes. It seems to me less like a payment thing, and more an emotional thing.

Victoria: So what do you think the etiquette would be? I feel like I wouldn’t want to share passwords for at least a year- like all my devices are already logged in, so there’s not really a need to give out my password?

Jaya: Though if you’ve shared it with family, I assume they’d all understand if you email like “hey Brad dumped me so I’m cutting him off from HBOgo, here’s the new login”

Victoria: And, lol, I borrow all mine from other people, so I can at least say, “oh it’s my parents account so I can’t give it to you.” But yeah, I would definitely say the easiest solution would be to change the password and just let everyone else know.

Jaya: That’s a good out! Man, I guess I’ve never been in this situation, since we pretty much got all our accounts together.

Victoria: And definitely get them off your Amazon Prime POST HASTE because they could buy stuff with your credit card and that’s BAD news. I don’t think asking them nicely would do any good because they might just do it out of spite. But if you do break up with someone and you have been using their account, it’s polite to stop and maybe let them know. I don’t know if would be able to do that, but its an ideal to aspire to.

Jaya: I imagine it’s sort of like divvying up stuff at the end, if you’ve been together that long. There’s that awkward period where you split up the stuff you share or bought together.

Victoria: Yeah, totally, especially if you have been actually paying for it.

Jaya: And it’s never easy, but it’s just a convo you have to have. and I think with those it’s even easier because it can go to whoever the bill goes to. And mutually agree to change passwords.

Victoria: Good luck being mature about it and god speed!

Jaya: Haha yeah! We’re talking about this like it’s so easy and people act so calm during breakups.