Author Archives: Jaya Saxena

Don’t Throw Rocks In Iceland

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I love learning about bits of etiquette from other countries, like how in India you’re supposed to eat food with your right hand (since you do your business with your left), or how in Italy chrysanthemums are only given at funerals. But there’s one tidbit I learned recently while researching the hidden people (elves) of Iceland: don’t throw rocks in Iceland!

The numbers vary, but according to many surveys, a great number of Icelanders believe in the existence of hidden people, essentially a race of elves or other human-like creature that lives in a dimension just beyond ours, and who sometimes are visible to us. Much has been made of how construction has been halted due to the belief that hidden folk live where a road was supposed to go. But other etiquette rules exist, such as never throwing stones, for you may accidentally hit one.

This is good advice in general! When you throw rocks you could hit literally anything–a person, a car, a cat. Throwing rocks is a dangerous hobby, doubly so when there are potential victims that you can’t even see. So err on the side of caution and don’t throw rocks, for the good of all beings around you.

But also because they may start throwing rocks back.

Why Are Napkins So Confusing?

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It’s always polite to shove your sexual conquests in a competitor’s face

I spent Thanksgiving afternoon ironing linen napkins in anticipation of dinner, and in the middle of that task my mom asked me which side of the plate the napkin goes on. I blurted out “left” because that sounded right to me, but I realized that as much as I had “knife on the right, fork on the left” drilled into my head, I had no idea where the napkin should go.

After looking it up, it’s confusing as hell. According to Etiquette Scholar, napkins are placed in the center of the plate at formal dinners, but wherever you want otherwise. There are also almost a dozen sizes of napkins for every type of occasion, from formal dinner to buffet luncheon, and that’s ridiculous. It’s 2015. We recognize that it’s a big ask for someone to have a full set of cloth napkins, much less 10 different sets. They’re also supposed to match the tablecloth, which is presumably white or ivory.

This is very boring! Let’s do away with this. Cloth napkins are lovely to have, and sure they shouldn’t obviously clash with the rest of your decor, but if you have a blue tablecloth and green napkins that is just fine. I have red checkered napkins and no tablecloth, and my life is great! But I think we can take one thing away from the traditional etiquette–no matter the occasion, put the napkins and flatware in the middle of the plate. That way you don’t have to worry about which sides things go on, plus you save room on the table.

How To Act If You’re In A Bollywood Movie

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I’ve been watching a lot of Bollywood recently, which I highly suggest you do. It is an art form that fully appreciates the magic of the moving image. We have this incredible technology, so why waste it on making quiet, dark little art film? Make it three hours of dancing and 5 different plots! Anyway, should you find yourself in the middle of a ridiculous Bollywood romp, you’d do well to remember these etiquette tips.

  • Do your best to be a beautiful, young widow.
  • Only kiss if you are married or, if you’re a bit more modern, if you are soon to be married. If you need to flirt, do so by dancing around trees.
  • You can be as feisty of a woman as you want, as long as you know how to cook halwa.
  • If someone is chasing you through the narrow streets of a small village, be sure to knock over as many fruit stands as possible.
  • Always weave through traffic on your motor scooter.
  • Chai smoothes over every social interaction.
  • If you’re not sure who the shrill, judgmental Auntie in your social circle is, it’s you.
  • Men need not wear shirts if they are wearing leather jackets.
  • Keep checking on the identities of those around you, because in all likelihood somebody is lying about who they are.
  • Respect your elders.

Some Thoughts On Talking About People

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It’s a pretty known thing that gossip is rude, but that doesn’t really matter, because we all do it. It’s rude but often it’s catharsis, and even if you love the person you’re talking about, sometimes you need a safe space to ask why are they like that? or omg I’ve noticed that too. But when does discussing the particularities of our friends and colleagues turn into something hurtful?

There’s that explicit rule of if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. As you’ve probably learned, that doesn’t really work IRL. There’s also more of an unspoken rule that if you wouldn’t say something to the person in question’s face, don’t say it behind their back. That’s certainly a better rule to follow, but still tricky, since maybe you don’t think that you’re saying will cause hurt feelings, but to the other person it does.

I find that I’m very attracted to gossip. Perhaps it’s the journalist in me. I’m curious about everyone’s business because I just want to know what’s going on in the world (and maybe I suffer from FOMO). I’ve been trying to stick to that latter rule by not just saying things that’d I’d only say to someone’s face, but also assessing why I would or wouldn’t say something to their face.

I’ve also been wrestling with what to do when people around me are gossiping or trash talking and I don’t want to participate. To be fair, there’s a bit of a spectrum, with “neutrally discussing someone” on one end and full on trash talking on the other, but what to do when I find myself in a situation when people are saying mean things about someone. Firstly, I try to see if the things they’re saying are true, because it’s rude to stand by while lies spread. If they are true, I see if the tone is actually mean, or if I’m just a sensitive baby who doesn’t like anyone using anything but the most loving tone toward my friends/acquaintances/someone I heard a nice thing about once.

I’d like to say that if someone’s being needlessly mean, I stand up to them, but usually I don’t. I get nervous and quiet and try to change the subject. This is not really advice. But my journey into gossip has left me with one tip: be aware of who is around you. People may have different relationships to the person you’re talking about. People may not know if what you’re saying comes from a place of love and understanding. Create context for your criticisms so they don’t seem like needless bashing, and accept that even if you have negative thoughts about someone, someone else may have a lovely relationship with them.

Or just hide and a cave and don’t talk about anyone, whatever.

Etiquette In The Apple Orchard

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Fall means it’s apple picking season, and apple picking season means it’s war. Oh, you thought you’d have a photo opportunity with your toddler where you can get them to wear a fuzzy coat and sit on barrel? That’s cute. Have fun with that while you’re left with all the mushy McIntoshes, loser. We pick to win where I come from. But you do have to be subtle, lest some helicopter parents accuse you of making things not “fair” and you’re banned from all the apple cider donuts.

  • Plan ahead. If you’re going just for “fun,” whatever, but if you actually want the good apples that means knowing which weeks are their peak seasons. Being prepared is never rude.
  • Get one of those picker sticks that looks like a lacrosse thingy. I don’t know what they’re called but you know what I’m talking about. They give them out at the orchards so it’s totally fair game.
  • Learn to climb for those apples on the insides of the tree no one can reach.
  • If you see a child reaching for an apple, let them struggle. It’ll build character. But do tell their parents the kid is adorable so no one gets suspicious.
  • Know how much you need, and don’t take more than that. Apple picking is about quality, not quantity. Okay, it’s a little about quantity, but be careful otherwise you’ll end up with 20 pounds of apples, which turns into 20 pounds of applesauce when you can’t eat them in time, which turns into 20 pounds of applesauce that stays in your freezer for a year because applesauce is sorta meh.
  • Don’t cut the cider line.