Things In The Emily Post Wedding Etiquette Book We’ve Never Heard Of

Posted on March 21, 2014 by Jaya Saxena

The thing about etiquette is that there are now thousands upon thousands of “rules,” and all of them have precedent. With many ceremonies we rely on “tradition,” and though that’s a fleeting and ever-changing thing, you can always reach back to something a specific group of people did a few times 200 years ago and say “well, it’s tradition!” and everyone will take you at your word. The flip side of this is that, during the ongoing pressure of planning a wedding, people will insist on traditions you have never heard of, and you may feel forced to comply just because you’ve been convinced said-custom is indeed a tradition.

Recently, I received a copy of the 6th edition of Emily Post’s Wedding Etiquette, a lovely hardcover filled with tips on seasonal flowers, invitation wording, and updated text about same-sex marriage and having a “man of honor.” (It does still say that “men may choose not to wear a ring” but makes no mention that women don’t have to wear rings either. Ugh.) But looking through, there were a number of things that I realized I have never seen in person. I have been to 15 weddings in my lifetime (18 by the end of the year, including my own), from Catholic to Polish Orthodox to secular, Indian to Jewish, formal to garden party, and none of these things has ever happened. That doesn’t mean they never happened, or don’t still happen, or that you shouldn’t do them; this is just a reminder that you do not have to take every bit of advice given to you.

Having a separate “bridal bouquet” and “tossing bouquet.”
During the Best Man’s toast, it used to be customary for him to read any congratulatory telegrams. I’d actually be cool with bringing this back, so someone send me a wedding telegram.
Seeing the bride and groom serve cake to their parents. “Tradition has it that the bride serve the groom’s parents, and he serves hers.”
We knew it was tradition for the bride’s family to pay for the ceremony and reception, and the groom’s family to pay for the rehearsal dinner. However, the groom’s family is also apparently supposed to pay for the engagement and wedding rings, the officiant’s fee and transportation, and all the corsages. This seems complicated.
“Always address wedding invitation envelopes by hand, even when inviting hundreds of guests.” I have received plenty of wedding invitations with our names printed on the envelopes, and the world kept spinning.
Checking whether throwing rice/confetti/etc is allowed with your venue. Does anyone actually throw rice anymore???
The groomsmen also serve as ushers and show the guests to their seats.
Technically, this is from the 5th edition of this book, but traditionally, the couple was supposed to pay for the accommodations of their bridal party.
One of the groom’s traditional duties was to plan the whole honeymoon, often not telling the bride where they were going until they got there.

Is There Even A Polite Way To Casually Hook Up With Someone?

Posted on March 19, 2014 by Jaya Saxena

Hookup culture is ruining our lives, right? It’s hurting women! It’s hurting men too! We’re all doomed to awkwardly take cabs home without washing our faces at 6:30 in the morning instead of getting married!

The thing about hookup culture is that it’s not for everyone, but many people won’t know whether or not it’s for them without trying. Sure, you may completely know what’s for you one way or the other, and that’s great! But maybe you’re one of those people who was incredibly nervous to have sex for the first time and then did and can now jump from lay to lay with no strings attached. Maybe you were ready to be that person only to find that strings keep attaching themselves, or that no strings makes you feel sad. Maybe you used to be one way and are now another, and maybe that’s good or maybe you regret some things. There’s no shame in any of this.

If you find yourself in a position where no-strings sex (or anything sexual) is something you enjoy, or want to experiment with, there are a few things to keep in mind.

If You Leave

I’ve never encountered anyone who felt offended at a hookup leaving after the encounter, unless they were convinced it was more than a hookup (more on that later). If you’ve gone home with someone and want to leave, thank them for their time and say you have to get going. You can leave your number if you wan’t, or just say you had a “fun time” and leave it at that. However, do consider the logistics of leaving: if it’s late and you’re far away from where you live without easily being able to call a cab or get public transportation, it might be best to wait until the morning.

If it’s your place and you don’t want the person to leave, say so, but respect their answer. Also, if it’s late, I’d suggest not kicking your hookup out. If you leave the bar at 2am to go back to your place, you should be ready for that person to be there until it’s daylight.

If You Spend The Night

Maybe you’ll be so tired that you just pass out and won’t notice you’ve slept over until your roommate calls you at 9am to see where the hell you are (ed: if it’s very unusual for you to stay out all night, maybe give your roommate a heads up so they don’t worry that you are dead. YMMV). This is ideal (sorta)! If you’re still awake but if it’s late, ask if it’s ok for you to spend the night (and as stated above, your hookup host should comply). Maybe you can ask if your hookup has a preferred side of the bed, or a tshirt you could borrow if you feel comfortable asking, but it’s not necessary.

How the morning goes depends on a few factors. If this is a friend or mutual friend you’ve gone home with, it may feel perfectly natural to hang out or grab breakfast before leaving. If it’s a total stranger, this may not feel right. Also, consider your hookup’s plans for the day. If they have work or some other engagement they need to get ready for, thank them for the night and leave (or thank them and let them leave). If they’re hungover and you have nothing going on, get them some water and let them chill for a while.

However, no matter how hungover you are, if you are asked to leave you need to leave. I once had a hookup that refused to leave my dorm room after I asked three times and explained how I needed to move that day, and he kept saying how hungover he was and it was too much effort. He lived two blocks away. I even went to the cafeteria and said he needed to be gone by the time I came back and he was STILL THERE. Do not be this person.

Sneaking Out

I hope you never feel the need to sneak out of anywhere! Seriously, if you’re going to leave, just leave. If your hookup is asleep, maybe nudge them awake and go “Hey, I gotta run, it was nice meeting/seeing/fucking you, later” and that’s all you need. If you do go home with someone and think you’ll need to sneak out later, make note of easy egress routes as you enter.

Supplies

First off, safe sex always. You should never be ashamed to be equipped with a condom, or anything else you need. We should be long past the days where the thought of “expecting” sex is a bad thing. Being prepared is great, even if you never think you’re going to hook up with someone!

There are other things you may like to have on your person if you think a hookup is imminent. Perhaps you want to have a toothbrush, or your contact lens solution, or a spare pair of underwear. This is actually great for any night out; I’ve spent many a night on a friend’s couch where I wish I had some clean underwear with me. Don’t let anyone make you feel awkward for having things like this. Unless maybe you’ve brought the entire next day’s wardrobe with you on an “unexpected” encounter, because that’s just creepy.

If You Develop Feelings

As I said before, there are levels of hookup, from total stranger to friend-you-started-making-out-with, from one night stand to ongoing thing. Ideally, any more-than-once hookup will be someone who you get along with, and with whom you clearly have some connection because most of the time fun sex happens when you actually get along with the other person. But the general definition of a hookup is that this is not a relationship, and unless explicitly stated, will not become a relationship. Do Not Hook Up With Someone Expecting It To Turn Into Something Else. Many of us have been there—you keep going home with the same person, you get along, you start wondering if something could happen, and then are heartbroken when they don’t want a relationship, even though they’ve never expressed that desire.

The heartbroken in these situations tend to blame their hookups for “leading them on,” and we need to get away from that. Yes, there are people out there who enjoy toying with emotions, promising one thing and delivering another, and they are the worst and you should stop sleeping with them. But developing feelings for someone doesn’t mean it’s mutual, and no one is obligated to be in a relationship, even if you get along and have great sex.

It can be terrifying to find yourself developing feelings for a hookup, but for your own heart’s sake, speak up if this happens. Tell your hookup you’re having a hard time keeping it casual. Maybe they’ll feel the same way, or maybe they’ll really want to keep it casual, at which point it would be best to stop the hooking up.

(Yes, there are hookups that have turned into relationships, and if that happens to you and you’re both into it, cool. Just do not start hooking up with someone you have a crush on thinking “this is how I make them love me” because that will more than likely end terribly.)

If You Want To Keep Feelings From Developing

On the flip side, if you want to keep things strictly casual it is best to be mindful of how you act. Do not act like you’re in a relationship and be surprised if the other person thinks you’ve developed deeper feelings! Keep it to just hooking up: no cuddly movie nights, dinners out, or anything that could be generally considered dating.

This may take some maneuvering if you get the feeling your hookup is developing feelings. If the person suggests getting dinner, don’t pretend “yeah that would be great, give me a call on Wednesday” and then ignore their calls and texts. You can say you’re busy, though if your hookup keeps pushing for a plan, respond that you think it’s best if you kept things casual and that you’re not looking to date, and be prepared for any answer you get. If you find yourself in a regular thing (say, 5 or 6 times or more in a couple of months) and aren’t feeling it anymore, while you don’t “owe” anyone a breakup, it would be kind to just say it isn’t working for you anymore instead of, again, just ignoring their calls until they give up.

In general, ongoing hookups require communication–possibly more communication than traditional relationships. Do your best to ensure your intentions are clear, especially if they change over time, and then go out and have fun.

How To Be A Good Host

Posted on March 7, 2014 by Jaya Saxena

I tend to just serve really alcoholic punch and every has a good time. [Via Smabs Sputzer]

I can’t believe it’s taken us this long to address this topic, but sure enough, most of our party etiquette advice has been on how to act when you’re a guest. However, hosting is an art! No one wants to go to a party where they feel unwelcome or uncared for.

The biggest difference I’ve noticed between gracious and ungracious hosts is in intention (and, well, grace)—good hosts seem to enjoy their company, bad hosts act like company is a burden. A good host will often enjoy hosting, even if spending all day cleaning the bathroom and cooking four dishes is stressful, because seeing their guests happy makes them happy. Do not make your guests feel guilty about enjoying themselves, or be constantly reminding them about how much of a hassle this was for you to put together.

So how do you make sure you stay gracious? Here are a few tips.

1. Have a plan, or at least make decisions. There is nothing worse than showing up for a party (let’s say more than one or two who does not live at the residence) and the host has no suggestions on what to do. No thoughts on where to order out for dinner, no ideas on movies to watch or other activities, nothing. This is ok when it’s maybe a group of really close friends who can just hang out on the couch and “do nothing” in comfort, but not when there are ten hungry people in your living room and you got nothing. Be bold. Say you’re getting a bunch of tacos unless anyone has strong objections, put on your favorite album, just go. If someone really doesn’t want to do what you suggest, good, at least you’re getting opinions rather than an endless chorus of “I don’t care.”

2. Ask for help in advance. Often times when planning a party, guests will ask if they can bring/do anything. Utilize this! If it’s a potluck or something more casual, ask everyone to bring booze or snacks. If it’s a dinner party and you’re making or ordering everything, email or call these people back and say “You know, I think I have most of it under control, I may just need help setting up the table when dinner is served!” Most people will really be willing to do this, but it’s good to ask in advance, just in case no one can help. And if people do help, make sure to thank them. Also, do not decline help and then complain that you did everything by yourself. I have seen this happen way too often and it still confuses me.

3. Make sure there’s enough of everything for the duration of your party. Not every party needs to be a dinner-and-booze party, but what is served and available needs to be reasonable for people’s expectations. Did you invite people over for cocktails at 9pm and only have cheese, crackers, and chips out? That’s fine, since it’s past dinner time. But did you only serve cheese and crackers at an all-day backyard party? Bad idea. This doesn’t just involve food—that backyard party would also probably suck if there were no chairs or blankets for people to sit on, no music, and one game to play for 40 people.

4. If the party is going to deviate from accepted expectations, let people know, and then be understanding. I’m going to bring this to a common debate among people getting married, since a reception is just a giant party. It’s generally considered rude to throw a “full length” reception without serving dinner (i.e. cake and punch at a quick 3pm reception is fine, only cake and punch at a wedding that starts at 5pm and ends at 11 is not). While not ideal, I don’t think this is necessarily rude, as long as you set your and your guest’s expectations accordingly. Want to have a long, evening party and only serve dessert? Make that clear on the invitation, and don’t be surprised or offended if some guests leave early or arrive late to give themselves time to find some food.

5. Seating arrangements. Traditionally, at a seated meal, you will want to split up couples- they talk to each other enough! However, use your judgment here. Do the couple in question know other people at the party? Are they generally social? If so they’ll probably do fine apart, but if one of them is incredibly shy and only know his or her partner, being split up may cause anxiety.

6. Clean your bathroom. Seriously the rest of your apartment could be a total shithole, and you could close all those doors and no one would notice. I can guarantee every guest will be in your bathroom, and they will notice if it’s disgusting. It doesn’t need to be spotless, but at least wipe down the toilet, provide clean hand towels, and light a candle.

7. Have options for everyone, within reason. If 8 out of your 10 guests love lasagna and the other 2 think it’s just ok, they can deal. However, if those two guests are gluten and lactose intolerant and there’s nothing else for them to eat, you have a problem. You can’t please everyone, but try to gauge if there are any dietary restrictions or other preferences, and serve a mix of vegetarian, non-dairy, gluten free, etc. options. The same thing applies for alcohol, to make sure you don’t have a group of wine drinkers and only supply vodka. Also, have more than just water for the non-drinkers. (For a more thorough explanation of how difficult that can be, consult John Mulaney’s “I know you don’t drink” bit).

8. Pay. Part of hosting means providing food and drink, which also means going out and purchasing it. Now of course, there are plenty of situations where you are “hosting” by providing a space for the party, or Christmas rotates through the relatives houses every year and everyone brings a dish, or a potluck, where you don’t have to provide all the food and drink. But if you invite people over and say you are having a dinner party, you should be prepared to buy everything for the party. This is going to VARY a lot within whatever your social circle usually does, but it’s a good baseline to start with.

9. Don’t overexert yourself. If a group of people is coming to your house for a party, chances are they actually want to see you. Sure, plentiful food, good drinks and fun music are all nice, but not if their host is absent most of the night. See if you can have everything ready by the time people get there, with refills on dips or drinks in an easy-to-get spot. If you’re cooking dinner, find recipes you can make the day before and work well reheated, or that you can assemble and throw in the oven as people arrive. Or use all that help you asked for before so you can socialize and prep at the same time. Then go enjoy your party!

There Is Science Behind Etiquette

Posted on March 5, 2014 by Jaya Saxena

He married a Wedgwood so you know he knew how to set a table.

Most anti-etiquette complaints we hear consist of one main sentiment: “proper etiquette is fake rules.” The idea is that these are false barriers we’ve set up for ourselves, things that don’t come naturally. It wouldn’t occur to us to write thank you notes or keep to the right of staircases if it hadn’t been drilled into our heads from a young age, and who the hell made these rules anyway, and fuck you I’ll do what I want! And while we certainly understand how frustrating remembering complicated forms of address can be, most of these rules are not completely arbitrary. There is actually a science behind etiquette.

In Charles Darwin’s Expression of the Emotions, the scientist explores human facial expressions. He wrote, “Whenever the same movements of the features or body express the same emotions in several distinct races of man, we may infer with much probability, that such expressions are true ones,—that is, are innate or instinctive.” After contacting numerous scientists around the world, he discovered the expressions for emotions like anger and disgust were nearly universal. Author Valerie Curtis expanded on this idea in her book Don’t Look, Don’t Touch: The Science Behind Revulsion, arguing that humans are largely disgusted by the same things, and our behaviors of manners and etiquette were built out of a desire to avoid the disgusting. Those who made an effort to value the comfort (and often times, health and hygiene) of themselves and others were rewarded in society, while those who put others in danger were rejected, or just died of the plague. She writes:

As group sizes grew from related individuals, to clans, to whole tribes who came together for joint enterprises…the problem of cooperation with unrelated others became more serious. Individuals who tried to get the benefits of social life without paying their share of the costs could derail the whole cooperative enterprise. Humans became adept at looking for clues to who was likely to cooperate and who was not. Manners provided an indicator…Manners are thus a signal of social intent.

She also notes that manners must have a cost to produce, otherwise “anyone could fake them.” Some of our most basic etiquette rules come from this idea: being careful with your bodily fluids, keeping clean so as not to contaminate shared food, considering the needs and safety of others before acting. Arbitrary social conventions like keeping your elbows on or off the table or methods of greeting come and go, but the core goal remains: etiquette is how we’ve evolved to live together.

We’re flawed creatures, of course, and a good idea about rewarding thoughtfulness in others can often turn into shaming someone if they mistakenly set the table with the fork on the right. But the next time you get frustrated with etiquette, remember there’s a reason you get grossed out when someone burps in front of you.

Can We Actually Bring These Toasting Puns Back?

Posted on February 21, 2014 by Jaya Saxena

While researching toasting etiquette I came upon a book called The Perfect Gentleman, Or, Etiquette and Eloquence: A Book of Information and Instruction … Containing Model Speeches for All Occasions … 500 Toasts and Sentiments for Everybody … to which are Added, the Duties of Chairmen of Public Meetings. Apparently they didn’t have editors in 1880, but in it is contained what might possibly be my favorite list to ever be listed: toast puns.

In a chapter titled “Toast-Master’s Companion,” the author argues “there is nothing in which men more conspicuously show their wit or their want of it than in giving toasts at public dinners.” But of course, showcasing one’s wit can be daunting, so the book offers toasts for various occasions. Patriotic toasts (“America: The birthplace of liberty and the asylum for the oppressed of every land”), Military Toasts (“An Army to stand, but not a Standing Army”) and toasts to drinking in general (“Old wine and young women”). But none of these are more glorious than the list of “Toasts for All Professions,” which is just a slew of puns about various jobs.

The Surgeon—A man who bleeds for his countrymen.
The Glazier— Who constantly takes pains (panes) that other people may see clearly.
The Baker— May he never be done so much as to make him crusty.
The Printer— May his form be well locked up in the arms of a charming wife. May he never know what it is to want a quoin.
The Tinker— A devout man whose life is spent in a pilgrimage, to mend the mistakes and repair the wastes which other people have made.
The Fireman— The sentinel of our homes may he burn only with ardor to protect the property and life of the city. May the flames of dissention never find fuel in his heart.
The Fire Department— the army that draws water in stead of blood and thanks instead of tears.
The Carpenter— May he have a warm house and good boarding.
The Actor— A bumper every night.
The Plumber— Though his business is to furnish mankind with the dumb blessings of light and water, may he be a good spouter and easily turn his lead into gold.
The Blacksmith— In every speculation may he always hit the nail on the head.
The Banker— May he always draw upon content for the deficiency of fortune
The Road maker— A highwayman who deserves well of his country.
A Card maker— May he often turn up trumps.
A Goal Merchant — May his customers ever be grate full.
An Auctioneer— By knocking down may he ever rise in the world.
The Distiller— May he never be out of spirits.
The Coach maker—May all his wheels be those of fortune.
The Painter— May he have a good pallet and plenty to gratify his taste.
Every Man’s Wife— May the lightning of her eye never cause him to be afraid of thunder.
The Saddler— May he sit upon a soft cushion and never have the misdeeds of others saddled upon him.
The Book keeper— May he faithfully keep his books and may his books keep him.

All italics original and perfect. Remember these for the next time you dine with the Card Maker in your life.

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