Author Archives: Jaya Saxena

How To Eat From A Cheese Cart (Chariot de Fromages)

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This is the second time I will have discussed cheese etiquette on Uncommon Courtesy, because it is a subject near and dear to my heart, and it’s half my website, and I’ll do as I please. But first, let’s have a moment of appreciation that in many fancy restaurants it’s still the style to label things in French, and in French the name for cheese cart is fucking CHARIOT DE FROMAGES. Just breathe, let this sink in, picture the glory.

Ok, now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s all remember that your waiters will not actually be racing cheeses by your table in fancy little armor getups. A chariot de fromages is a method of serving a restaurant’s cheese course. Instead of bringing you a plate of pre-selected cheeses, a cart full of cheese will be wheeled to your table, the cheeses explained, and you will have the ability to choose whichever you like. It’s the most glorious thing, and I really hope we get with the trickle-down trends on this one so that I can go to a Denny’s and have this experience.

chariot

Your waiter will have a few ways to explain the cheese selections to you: by milk (cow, sheep, goat…), by region, or by style (hard, soft, runny…). Choose about four or five cheeses–any more will come off as a bit greedy, and may overwhelm your palate. Of course the only time I partook in a cheese chariot, I did not know the etiquette and probably took about eight. So maybe just pretend you didn’t read this and pig out.

Ok, now that you have your cheeses (and any paired snacks, such as honey, chocolate, or jam), you want to eat your cheeses from mildest to strongest, i.e. don’t start with a blue cheese and end with a brie. The cheeses will be arranged on your plate in order of flavor, clockwise, so just follow that. You should also have a bite of bread in between each cheese, to cleanse your tastebuds.

It’s absolutely fine to let the fromager choose an assortment of cheeses for you, but it’s nice to give him or her some direction before you’re not going to choose them all yourself. If you know you like one style of cheese, or cheeses from a particular region, ask them to select a few based on that, or perhaps ask for one of each style. But remember–it is not the server’s goal to shame you. If you know nothing about cheese besides the fact that you like it, say so, because the server is there to help.

Do not ask for American cheese from a chariot de fromages.

A Few Thoughts On How To Not Be A Jerk To Your Sober Friends

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russian-poster-no-drinkingWhen I was a teenager, I considered myself “straight edge.” This basically meant that I was not cool enough to be invited to parties where drugs or alcohol would be present, so I pretended it was on purpose. Then, I went to college, and now drinking alcohol has become a regular part of my life.

However, sometimes I cringe at just how much of a default drinking has become, especially as more and more of my friends have given up substances for one reason or another. Bars are common meeting places for everyone, parties are labeled BYOB, and I’m sure we’ve even said here that it’s a polite gesture to bring wine to a house party. But here are some thoughts on how not to alienate those who do not drink in your life.

Firstly, every reason why someone doesn’t want to drink is valid and should not be pushed. For every person that’s hit rock bottom, there’s another person who has a family history of alcoholism, or is on medication that doesn’t interact well with alcohol, or who doesn’t like being drunk, or who just doesn’t like the taste. Never question or pressure anyone into drinking (or any other drug) who doesn’t want to.

Secondly, do not feel uncomfortable if you are drinking. I’ve seen so many instances of someone saying they’re not drinking, for one reason or another, and the person offering them a drink launches into a long-winded apology or justification of their own drinking habits, or reminding the non-drinker that they “don’t drink that much.” No one cares! It’s good to be aware of your own habits, but if a person who doesn’t drink has knowingly put themselves in a situation where there will be alcohol, chances are they are okay with it and understand the offer is just a polite gesture. Offer them a soda or something else instead, and let it go.

Speaking of soda, make sure there are non-alcoholic options available at any party you host, and that you make it clear which things do contain alcohol. The Caron Foundation says, “While some non-drinkers will drink non-alcoholic beer and wine, most recovering alcoholics prefer beverages that don’t look or taste like the real thing. Stock your bar with sparkling water and cider, soft drinks, and juices.” Also, give a heads up with any food cooked with alcohol.

If only it were as easy as that, right? The people who want to drink get to, the people who don’t won’t, and everybody gets along. As always with etiquette, you need to know your audience, which occasionally will include someone who just isn’t comfortable around alcohol. I’ve come across quite a few forums in my research of people wanting support for having dry weddings, or lamenting that their social life has basically ended because being in a bar is too tempting. This is a good time to maybe reflect on how big of a part alcohol plays in your social situations. Is every get together at a bar? Do you have sober friends and family who are noticeably absent from most gatherings because there is alcohol present? If your sober friends have expressed that they’re uncomfortable, ask them for suggestions and take them up on them!

If you are sober, make sure to make it clear to your friends what you can and can’t handle (i.e. maybe them ordering wine at dinner is fine, but spending every weekend in bars makes you uncomfortable), and take the initiative to plan a few outings that don’t revolve around drinking. Your friends should get the hint, and since they love you and want you to feel comfortable, you can find ways to socialize and enjoy both your lifestyles. And if they don’t get the hint, or refuse to find a compromise, then maybe it’s time for you to reevaluate the relationship.

Phew! Ok, that’s a heavy subject. Let’s celebrate by watching John Mulaney’s bit on giving up drinking because it’s hilarious.

Rude v. Tacky: Musings On Weird Al’s New Song

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weird_al_tacky.png.CROP.promovar-mediumlargeFirst off, I am the type of person who finds myself singing Weird Al lyrics instead of the real ones whenever popular songs come on. I welcome anyone who shares this affliction, as I’m sure you were just as excited when his new parody “Tacky” (of Pharrell’s “Happy”) came out this week. It’s a fantastic song, and quite a few of the lyrics actually deal with modern etiquette faux pases.

The word “tacky” is apparently a Southern colloquialism. According to “American Notes and Queries,” Feb. 15 1890,

“It was coined by a wealthier or more refined and educated class for general application to those who were not sheltered by the branches of a family tree, who were ‘tainted.’ Those who were wealthy and yet had no great-grandfathers were ‘tackies.’ The word was used both in contempt and in derision. It is now nearly obsolete in both senses. There are no aristocrats in the South now, and therefore no ‘tackies.’ No man who has the instincts of a gentleman is spoken of as a ‘tacky,’ whether he can remember the name of his grandfather’s uncle or not. But it has its uses. It is employed in describing persons of low ideas and vulgar manners, whether rich or poor. It may mean an absence of style. In dress, anything that is tawdry is ‘tacky.’ A ribbon on the shopkeeper’s counter, a curtain in the bolt, a shawl or bonnet, a bolt of cloth fresh from the loom may be ‘tacky,’ because it is cheap and yet pretentious.”

I did not know all this, but when I was a kid, I always thought tacky was somehow related to the concept of “tact,” which is really the sensitivity in which one deals with things outside of themselves. I thought a “tacky” person was one with no tact, no concept of how their actions were being perceived or reacted to by others. In short, I thought it had to do with rudeness.

Obviously, these two are different concepts, but sometimes I do think they’re still related. So, which things in “Tacky” are actually rude and which are just a matter of taste? We figured you may want to know, which is why we will now go LINE BY LINE THROUGH THE NEW WEIRD AL SONG and parse out the social implications.  You’re welcome.

 

It might seem crazy, wearing stripes and plaid – Crazy, yes, but power clashing is never considered a matter of etiquette.
I Instagram every meal I’ve had –  Definitely rude. If you want to take a meal photo now and then, fine, but you should err on the side of sparing your guests a display of your artistic meal positioning skills. Plus, your food is getting cold.
All my used liquor bottles are on display – Not rude, but definitely makes your house look like my ex-boyfriend’s sophomore year dorm room, which is not a good look for anyone.
We can go to see a show but I’ll make you pay – It’s unclear how Weird intends this line. Does this mean you’ll spend the whole show tweeting? Talking? Were you invited to a show under the impression that it was a treat, but last minute were told you had to pay for your own ticket? I mean, all of these things are bad, but in varying degrees.

[Chorus]
(Because I’m Tacky)
Wear my belt with suspenders and sandals with my socks – Not rude, especially if you’re a dad.
(Because I’m Tacky)
Got some new glitter uggs and lovely pink sequined crocs -Again, fashion is not rude, unless you’re wearing this getup to a funeral.
(Because I’m Tacky)
Never let you forget some favor I did for you – Definitely rude. A favor is a favor, and should not be held over the recipients head for the rest of their lives.
(Because I’m Tacky)
If you’re okay with that, then, you might just be tacky, too 

[Verse 2]
I meet some chick, ask her this and that – Derogatory terms for women are always rude, WEIRD AL.
Like are you pregnant girl, or just really Fat? (What?) – Inquiring into the reproductive state of any person is always rude, as we have discussed.
Well, now I’m dropping names almost constantly – Not necessarily rude, but I do think this falls under tactlessness.
That’s what Kanye West keeps telling me, here’s why

[Chorus]
(Because I’m Tacky)
Wear my Ed Hardy shirt with fluorescent orange pants – Fashion, not rude
(Because I’m Tacky)
Got my new resume it’s printed in Comic Sans – Only rude if you’re one of those font people
(Because I’m Tacky)
Think it’s fun threatening waiters with a bad Yelp review – Incredibly rude! Most of the time, bad restaurant service is the cause of a number of factors, not just the waiter’s negligence. And threatening employees is basically the best way to get thrown out of a restaurant, not get good service.
(Because I’m Tacky)
If you think that’s just fine, then, you’re probably tacky, too

[Bridge] – Nothing in the bridge deals with tackiness or rudeness.

[Chorus]
(Because I’m Tacky)
43 Bumper Stickers and a “YOLO” license plate – I don’t know what Weird Al is talking about, this person sounds pretty cool.
(Because I’m Tacky)
Bring along my coupon book whenever I’m on a date – Frugality is certainly not rude, and if your date tries to shame you they can go ahead and pay full price themselves. That being said, learn which things are worth springing for.
(Because I’m Tacky)
Practice my twerking moves in line at the DMV – Totally rude. You are to stay still and quiet while waiting on line. Anything else gets death stares.
(Because I’m Tacky)
Took the whole bowl of restaurant mints. Hey, it said they’re free – On one hand, they’re free, go ahead. On the other, it’s only polite to make sure everyone has the opportunity for fresh breath.
(Because I’m Tacky)
I get drunk at the bank
And take off my shirt, at least – I’m pretty sure most banks have a “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service” policy, to say nothing of public intoxication, so this may no be rude so much as it is illegal.
(Because I’m Tacky)
I would live-tweet a funeral, take selfies with the deceased – PEOPLE DO THIS. DON’T DO THIS.
(Because I’m Tacky)
If I’m bitten by a zombie, I’m probably not telling you – Well duh, you’re a zombie now, you can’t talk.
(Because I’m Tacky)
If you don’t think that’s bad, guess what, then you’re tacky, too

Thank Goodness We Don’t Have Ladies Menus (Except That Time I Did)

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A few years ago, my now-husband and I were on vacation in Greece, and, as we try to do whenever we go somewhere new, used one night to dine at a really good, fancy restaurant. We had been staying with a friend’s family the rest of that week so we hadn’t been spending much money, and decided to really splurge and go to a Michelin-starred joint on the outskirts of Athens. It was a beautiful place, with a semi-enclosed courtyard and a CHEESE CART (note: write about the etiquette of cheese carts), and we immediately felt very high-class upon entering. We were led to our table, where someone pulled out my chair for me and placed my napkin in my lap, and we were handed menus. Curiously, I noticed my menu did not have prices listed. “Hey, do you have prices? Is this just how they do things?” I asked my date. Turns out, he did have the prices. Welcome to the concept of the Ladies Menu.

The Ladies Menu, one without prices, stems from the idea that someone being treated to dinner should not know what their host is paying for them. You wouldn’t tell guests at a house party how much you paid for all the ingredients in that cake you made, right? Of course not, because they’re your guests and you don’t want to make them uncomfortable about having a lot of money (or a little) being spent on them. Unfortunately, the idea was also that OBVIOUSLY the man would be treating a woman on a date (and obviously a man and a woman out together was a date, and obviously two men or two women would never date, etc.).

The concept works with limited success. Women were often taught to predict which dishes would be mid-range options, to avoid upsetting their dates by ordering too richly. Also, occasionally the “host” would forbid the guest from ordering certain things that were too expensive, defeating the point. And nowadays, given that most restaurants post at least sample menus online, can’t you just figure out the average prices beforehand? Or am I the only one that will spend all afternoon before a dinner trying to figure out what I want to eat?

Complications also arise when a man and a woman want to dine in any way besides the man treating. Tracy MacLeod writes:

…I recall the irritation of a friend of mine, a high-powered BBC current affairs presenter, whose attempt to treat her husband to a special birthday dinner at La Tante Claire was foiled at every turn. Even though she’d made the booking, the staff treated her as the little lady guest. She got the menu with no prices. He got the wine to taste. She requested the bill. He was given it to pay. As they were leaving, the manager asked if she’d enjoyed her meal. It was lovely, she said, but as she was paying for her husband, it would have been nice if they’d treated her as the host. The manager’s face broke into an incredulous smile, and he turned to my friend’s husband. “Lucky fella!” he breathed.

This isn’t the only way restaurants differentiate between men and women, though it’s certainly the most obvious. The New York Times says, “At most upscale restaurants…software lets servers note both the position at a table to which a dish is going and whether the diner is female, so the food’s couriers can plot to present dishes in a gender-conscious sequence,” whatever that is. And MacLeod continues, “it rankles when front of house staff refuse to accept a woman as the main point of contact in a mixed group. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve ordered wine which has then been brought to a male companion to taste. Same with the bill. And quite regularly, waiters have assumed, if I’m dining with a man, that the fish must be for me, and the steak and ale pudding for him.”

Restaurants giving priceless menus to ladies is dying out, though some restaurateurs do note the need for priceless menus. For instance, if one person is hosting a group at a restaurant, they may not want their guests to see the prices, and that is totally legitimate! But let’s be thankful that most women get to know what they’re paying for their own dinner.

Thank Goodness We Don’t Have To Write Letters Anymore, Right Millenials?

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Clippy-letterI hesitate to write this, because I am wary of coming firmly on the side of No More Letters. What a shame, right? For a long time in my life I very much romanticized writing letters. I had a wax seal with my initials on it, for gods sake, and for one year in high school decided I’d write all my best friends heartfelt letters for their birthdays instead of getting themselves gifts (I’m so sorry, friends). Even recently I’ve found it comforting to write letters to faraway friends instead of texting or emailing, and I covet my personalized stationery.

However, the last time I picked up a pen and tried to write an extended thought on a piece of paper I think my hand cramped up. I have the handwriting of a 7-year-old on a hay ride, and between trying to make sure anything I write down is actually legible, or being like “Yes Word paperclip I am trying to write a letter, YOU’RE SUCH A GENIUS,” or making sure that after all is said and done the damn paper actually gets to where it’s going (quite a few of our wedding invitations mysteriously never made it to their destinations), the art of letter writing is losing its allure, and I think I might be done. I don’t want to give a definitive answer, but some days I really appreciate Gmail.

But, obviously, writing letters has been a huge part of how people communicated. The Polite Letter Writer, 1860, states, “Had letters been known at the beginning of the world, epistolary writing would have been as old as love and friendship, for as soon as they began to flourish, the verbal messenger was dropped, the language of the heart was committed to characters that faithfully preserved it, secrecy was maintained, and social intercourse rendered more free and pleasant.” Nice, right?

The Polite Letter Writer has a whole guide for many types of letters, but there are some basic rules. First, make sure you spell everything correctly, a rule that gives me heart palpitations because I rely heavily on those squiggly red lines to let me know what I do wrong. Also, “vulgarism in language” suggests you’d be bad company, and “Proverbial expressions and trite sayings are the flowers of the rhetoric of a low-bred man.” So, you know, say what you mean. She then goes on for about ten pages about how to craft your natural writing style, which I’m sure is a lovely skill to have, but it’s all about studying the works of eminent poets but not actually imitating them, and I’d rather just send a Futurama .gif. (Hahah some Baby Boomer just read that and had a heart attack. Sorry guys, sorry for keeping it real.)

Most of the letter writing guides I’ve found follow the same format, and it’s EXHAUSTING. I mean, just look at the Table of Contents for Martine’s Perfect Letter Writer:

letter contents

You don’t even get to ‘How to begin a Letter” until 20 pages in, and that tip is literally start writing two-inches down from the top of the paper. It’s madness. Here are some other outdated tips for writing all day long.

  • If you’re writing a letter to someone you don’t know well, end with “Your obedient Servant.” As you get friendlier you can move up to “Yours faithfully” and even to “Yours very sincerely.”
  • “Honored sir” is terribly antiquated.
  • “Never sent a note to  person who is your superior.”
  • “Postscripts are generally indicative of thoughtlessness, and should be avoided.”
  • “Never write ‘I saw 5 birds’.”

Of course, there’s no need to throw out the baby with the bathwater (was that too much the rhetoric of a low-bred man?). These books still have good advice, and I’d like to leave you with something that applies whether you’re communicating via written letter or Gchat:

And finally remember that whatever you write is written evidence either of your good sense or your folly, your industry or carelessness, your self control or impatience. What you have once put into the letter box may cost you lasting regret, or be equally important to your whole future welfare. And, for such grave reasons, think before you write and think while you are writing.