I recently listened to the audiobook of Mindy Kaling’s Why Not Me? which was delightful. I always recommend, for celebrity memoirs and essay books, if they read the audiobook, you should listen to it rather than read because the words sound SO GOOD coming out of their own mouths. Especially check out Leah Remini’s reading of her book about leaving Scientology. It’s amazing.
Back to the point though, Mindy has this great section about wedding registries that perfectly encapsulates my feelings about honeymoon registries (even though I will begrudgingly admit they are FINE to have. And there ARE certain circumstances like- you live in a completely different country than where your wedding is taking place and where all your guests live…but)
“There are few things that I have more ideological problems with than the concept of the “honeyfund.” Hear me out: I love the idea of giving my newly married friends a meaningful present. But I don’t love being asked to be an investor in a crowd-funded honeymoon. Here is why: it’s not especially emotionally rewarding to know that I paid for three of five nights of a yurt rental in Big Sur. It’s so transactional. Sure, everyone knows all wedding registries are essentially transactional, but at least they are transactional about objects, not about people and experiences. I know you say you have too much stuff in your apartment and what you really want is a killer honeymoon in Thailand. But I feel like, if you have every material good you want, you’re probably doing well enough to plan a honeymoon that is within your means. Because a honeymoon is, after all, a sex vacation you’re giving yourself after a massive party in your honor.”
She just puts it so well, you know? She goes on to talk about how a physical gift feels like a “souvenir of your affection” and is more about your relationship with the bride or groom or both than their relationship with each other. Which I feel like is part of the core of the issue of why many people still dislike honeymoon registries even though they’ve been a pretty common thing for a good ten years now (though, I suppose, there are plenty of people who go more than ten years at a time without attending a wedding.) People really do have sentimental attachment to the THINGS that they give to people. And I think that for people who don’t experience sentimental attachment to gifts given to others, it’s very hard to understand. But like, it definitely gives me a little thrill to see a friend using something I gave them for their wedding in a way that hearing them talk about the honeymoon I chipped in for doesn’t. And I think its equally okay to feel that way and for other to people to feel like they’d rather have a honeymoon than a set of china. But I think when etiquette fights break out, it’s because of a lack of empathy between the two sides.