Monthly Archives: May 2014

How Do I Get People To Stop Nagging Me About Being Pregnant?

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1.1259286944.pregnant-barbieDear Uncommon Courtesy,
I got married almost a year ago. After being married for nearly six months, I began to get inquiries about starting a family. Now at nearly 10 months since the wedding, these inquiries have been getting frightfully frequent. They usually come from seemingly well-minded co-workers, friends and family members and have ran the gamut of “Are you pregnant?” to “Are you starting to think about having a family anytime soon?” to “Is there something you need to tell us?” to “Clock’s a tickin’!” I love kids, but my husband and I want to spend some comfortable years together  before we try to have a family. These questions have upset me to the point of tears, and I my answers of “We don’t have the money for kids” to “We’d just like to have some years to ourselves” are just not working. The point of tears usually happens after people tell me about BC failures…like it’s impossible to have a planned, wanted child.

What could I say that is not overtly assertive and argumentative to people who ask?

Sincerely,

A wanted child, who wants a wanted child.

OFFICIAL ETIQUETTE:

Miss Manners suggests treating all inquiries about family planning to a frozen smile and silence.

OUR TAKE:
Victoria: Want to ask people about being pregnant? Don’t.

Jaya: This is straight-up horrifying to me. The letter writer has every right to be assertive and argumentative, so she’s a saint for still trying to be nice.

Victoria: Asking if someone is pregnant is suuuuuuuuper rude. You should not assume someone is pregnant unless you see a baby coming out of them. (Except on the subway? I don’t know how that works). But for the first instance from someone asking are you starting a family soon….is kind of a normal chit chat sort of thing, so I don’t think it’s THAT rude. It’s only annoying because everyone asks. I got tired of being asked my major in college too.

Jaya: I’m going to have to disagree. Being asked about your major can be annoying, but it’s nowhere near as personal. Unless someone brings up their own family planning ideas, or you are really really close friends, I don’t think multiple inquiries about pregnancy is normal conversation.

Victoria: If someone asks repeatedly, you can shut it down by saying, “as I’ve said before, we aren’t there yet and probably won’t be for a while.” And keep getting more curt the more someone asks.

Jaya: Yeah. Or even if you don’t want to explain your plans/non-plans for kids (which you don’t have to), say something like “I know you’re just curious, but I feel that’s something very personal and I’d rather not discuss it.” And you can ramp up to “It’s none of your business so please stop asking” if they continue. Because saying things like “we can’t afford it” or “we want to travel” just leaves it open ended.

Victoria: And I mean, I hope everyone else would have something more interesting to talk about…but…people don’t realize that everyone is asking you the same question.

Jaya: Even if people have decided this is normal chitchat, how do you have the right to know?

Victoria: You don’t. But you don’t have the right to know what I’m making for dinner tonight or what I did over the weekend either.

Jaya: True, but asking that has nothing to do with your reproductive health.

Victoria: But I don’t think people really see it as your reproductive health, you know? Having kids is so normal.

Jaya: That’s a big problem! We treat it that way, but I think that’s so unfortunate. It’s really personal! Some people don’t want to have kids. Some people CAN’T get pregnant! How are they going to feel if you’re asking them day in and day out? Do they have to divulge that they have these issues to get you to shut up?

Victoria: That’s so true! I just don’t think a lot of people see it that way unless they are in the middle of it.

Jaya: This is why we exist. They should see it that way.

Victoria: You can definitely deflect, though, and maybe with time people will start to realize it. The ones we mentioned above are good for friends and coworkers, though if it’s your family, you can say something more like “We aren’t having kids for X years/don’t want kids/aren’t sure, but trust me, you will be the first to know.” And then you can say “please stop asking” if they continue.

Jaya: I also totally support just pretending you have a non-functioning uterus and going into really intense detail about your medical history and making everyone who asks feel like shit.

Victoria: Hahaha oh my god. Yeah, I almost think that people have to have a serious talking to by someone who is having difficulties with kids, or who is a raging-kid-free person before they realize they are being too nosy. You probably only need to get screamed at once before you stop asking people.

Jaya: I hope so.

Victoria: It probably doesn’t help that so many people WANT to talk about their kid plans and engagement and wedding hopes/plans/fantasies.

Jaya: Ugh yeah. As much as I don’t want to be asked about it, I also don’t want to hear it!

And now, we present some cut-and-paste “overly assertive and aggressive” wording that you can use to deflect these questions, should you need! Some of these may have been used by one or more authors in real-life situations.

  • “If I am pregnant, you’ll have to drive me to the nearest abortion clinic.”
  • “If you want a baby so bad, use your own uterus.”
  • *glares*
  • “Why, do I look pregnant?”

Thank Goodness We Don’t Have To Be Constantly Worried About Walking

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These pigs seem to have it figured out

These pigs seem to have it figured out

There are few places in life where you really need to worry about how you come off, and one of those instances is plain ol’ walking around. As long as you don’t bump into people or disrupt sidewalk traffic, who could possibly judge you? People who wrote etiquette books in 1893, that’s who.

In Etiquette of Good Society, Lady Gertrude Elizabeth Campbell has a whole section dedicated to walking, writing that “servants can be distinguished by the short abrupt steps they take, so doubtless a true lady can be discovered by her manner of walking.” This does not bode well for me. She goes on to quote a Frenchman who wrote about walking in the 13th century:

“Do not trot or run, and as you walk look straight before you with eyelid slow and fixed, looking forward to the ground at five toises (thirty feet) before you not looking at or turning your eyes to man or woman who may be to your right or left, nor looking upwards, nor changing your look from one place to another, nor laughing, nor stopping to speak to anybody.”

Lady Campbell expands on that notion, saying for women “let her step be firm and her gait steady, let her not walk in too great a hurry, nor yet drag slowly along. Let her arms move with the natural motion of the body, they must neither swing to and fro nor dangle by the side.” You know, just act natural. You know how easy that is once you start thinking about it? Right. Moving on.

“A man’s walk should differ from a woman’s,” explains Lady Campbell, “in that he should take a longer step, but steadiness of carriage and firmness of tread are as necessary in the one as in the other. Horace Walpole is described as always entering a room with knees bent and feet on tiptoe as if afraid of a wet floor, but we are told that this affected style was quite a la mode in his day.” Men: bring back the Horace Walpole.

If worrying about the way your body looked while you walked wasn’t enough, you also had to worry about what to do when you encountered other walking people. Here are a few tips from American Etiquette and Rules of Politeness by Walter Raleigh Houghton:

  • “Do not try to ‘show yourself off’ upon the streets. The true secret of street deportment is to do so as nearly as other people do.” [STREET DEPORTMENT???]
  • “No one, while walking in the streets, should fail, either through carelessness or willful neglect, to recognize acquaintances.”
  • “Persons walking together on the street should keep step.” [Still accurate]
  • “A gentleman walking with a lady may take either side of the walk, but he will always give her the preferred side or that on which she will be least exposed to crowding, usually the side toward the wall.”
  • “Look in the way you are going both to avoid collisions and because it is bad manners to stare in any other direction. If you chance to see an acquaintance at a window you should bow but by all means do not stare into houses. Avoid looking full into the faces of strangers whom you meet especially of ladies.” [Did this really need to be said?]
  • “No gentleman is ever guilty of standing in public places and offensively gazing at ladies as they pass.”

So go walk freely and un-self-consciously!

Hotel and Hostel Etiquette

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via Wikimedia Commons

With summer travel time coming up, we thought it would be good to have a refresher on some of the finer points of travel etiquette.

When staying at a hotel, there are a few things to remember:

  • Be quiet in the hallways, especially late at night.
  • Be respectful in shared public spaces- it isn’t your living room. Clean up after yourself and keep conversation volume to an indoor level.
  • Don’t let your children go wild- make sure they are supervised and aren’t harassing other guests.
  • Don’t leave your room a disgusting mess for housekeeping to clean up.
  • If there is a problem with your reservation or your room, be firm but don’t berate or yell at hotel staff.
  • In the breakfast room, notify staff if you spill something, don’t hog tables if they are limited, don’t leave your dishes out if you are supposed to bus them
  • Don’t steal from the hotel (duh) (toiletries are totally fine)
  • If you are going to tip, do it every day as housekeeping staff rotates daily and leave a note so they know what it is (only 25-35% of Americans tip housekeeping staff at hotels and it is not strictly required)

All of the above goes for hostels, with a few more things:

  • Be extra respectful of sleeping people in dorm style rooms.
  • If it’s late an everyone is in bed and you come into the room, please turn off the light.
  • If you use the hostel’s kitchen, make sure you clean up after yourself.
  • Do not have sex in a shared room!
  • If you have to leave early, pack up your stuff the night before to minimize noise in the early morning.
  • With shared bathrooms, keep your showers short.
  • Keep your phone/alarm close to you, so you can’t turn it off when it goes off. No snooze button.
  • Don’t hog the computer

Tell me, do you leave a tip for housekeeping?

Just Say No To Attending Weddings (when you can’t go)

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via

There has been a bit of a backlash against the insanity of weddings lately, with a couple of blog posts coming out about people finding it too expensive and time consuming to be part of the bridal party or even just a regular guest.

Jezebel has discovered that Americans spend almost $600 PER wedding. They justifiably find that nuts, but seem to be placing the blame on the couple getting married.

A Practical Wedding published an advice column where a woman was asking how to get out of being a bridesmaid ever. Without having actually been asked or discussed what the costs might be with the bride.

 

What people need to understand, is that you absolutely can turn down invitations to weddings and even requests to be a bridesmaid or groomsman.

We had a great conversation about why people are feeling the pinch and why you shouldn’t feel guilty about saying no.

Jaya: I actually saw some comments that I thought related to it on APW. A long time ago APW had this piece about how “your wedding is not an imposition,” and guests can be big kids and decide whether or not they can come, and some people in the comments were like “some weddings are impositions!”

Victoria: HahahaI mean, I guess I can see how a very few family weddings might put you in a tight spot. Like say your sister decides to get married in Timbuktu and you are expected to be there, and pay, and pay for all the expensive bridesmaid stuff, but for the vast majority of weddings, you can say NO.

Jaya: Definitely. I feel like there are tiers. There are friends/family where I’d do anything they want, and there are friends where if it’s anything more than a weekend a short drive/cheap flight away, I won’t. Is that awful of me? Omg no one should separate out friends like that.

Victoria: I mean, you have to! Our time, vacation, and money are finite resources. Sometimes you might be able to fly across the country for your childhood best friend who you haven’t seen in 5 years, and sometimes you can’t. And I think people understand that. I mean, are you having situations in your own wedding where people can’t come for various reasons?

Jaya: Definitely, and it’s all understandable! One friend is taking her exams at medical school in Israel, another has a 6-month old baby and has a hard time traveling.

Victoria: Right, and that’s all totally understandable and you are okay with it.

Jaya: Absolutely. Of course I want my friends there. If I didn’t I wouldn’t have invited them, but everyone has their own shit in their lives. Like please, become a doctor! That is really important!

Victoria: Right, that’s why I was so surprised reading that RSVP thread on APW where people were actually offended that people they invited couldn’t come, and were saying it was a reflection on their future relationship. I think that is not a good attitude to have,for me it treads into bridezilla territory.

Jaya: Even if a friend just said they couldn’t afford it, or some other smaller reason, that’s fine.

Victoria: Right! It was funny to me too, when people say they were hurt when their declining guests gave no reason that they couldn’t come, when proper etiquette says that you should never give a reason. I mean, it’s fine to send a note saying they wish they could come but can’t because ____ but it is also fine to just send regrets and a card and/or gift.

Jaya: People just feel the need to justify everything these days. Okay, so, with Jezebel, the thing that struck me is wording like “request to spend a luxurious weekend getaway’s worth of time and money on someone else’s event.” That “someone else” is, presumably, someone you know and like! Do you think of going to birthday parties as “now I gotta go to dinner for someone else’s event”? No, it’s a fucking party for a friend!

Victoria: And I think for the most part, it’s not that they are having a particularly extravagant wedding, it’s that there’s a really good chance everyone’s friends are spread out across the country and so you do have to fly to get there, and stay in a hotel, and rent a car.

Jaya: Exactly. There’s a difference between a week-long destination wedding on a remote island, and just asking you to fly to Boston for a weekend because that’s where they live.

Victoria: Yep, and thems the breaks. So you do have to make a call on your own of what you can afford to do.

Jaya: Like, you wanna go back to when everyone had one friend because you never left your town? Cool.

Victoria: If you know you are tight on funds and are pretty sure your besssst friend will be getting married in the next year, maybe don’t go to the wedding of an acquaintance that will cost you $500. And all these people who are saying they have to buy a new dress for each event, and shoes, and spend $100 on a gift, STOP. You do not need to do any of those things.

Jaya: You don’t! Hell even you were talking about buying new dresses and ahhh you are so pretty already don’t do anything else!

Victoria: Hahahah! I am actually not buying a new dress because I couldn’t find one I liked. But anyway, I would like to see a new trend where couples and their guests do consider the travel expense to the wedding to BE the gift.

Jaya: Yesss. If any of our guests taking any more than a subway to get to us don’t feel like getting us a present, I’m totally fine. Hell even subway people don’t have to get us gifts, it’s not for gifts. Except for you, Victoria. Will your gift be covering your plate?

Victoria: Hahaha, I don’t know, because I don’t know how much my plate costs because it seems very rude to me to be adding up what people spend on things.

Jaya: I’ll leave you a receipt on your plate.

Victoria: That would be very helpful, thanks

Jaya: And some people say “I just feel uncomfortable saying no” and that is not the married couple’s fault.

Victoria: Hahah, yeah! Saying no is fun! Learn to love it! Oh and a good point, don’t forget that you DO need to RSVP either way..

Jaya: Absolutely. I think some of this frustration comes from wedding-related events, which we’ve talked about before. As a bride, I had to make it pretty clear, over and over, that I did not want any extra parties. And there are all sorts of factors. Sometimes brides want them. Sometimes bridesmaids feel like they have to throw them, and brides feel like they have to have them, and no one says what they really want.

Victoria: And I will say, as someone close to you, I did keep checking just to make sure you hadn’t changed your mind and weren’t being falsely modest (which is pretty dumb because that is not you) but there is such a cultural expectation.

Jaya: There is! Even if the person getting married has given no indication that they would ever want something like that, people tend to think getting married magically transforms you.Because in some cases it does transform an otherwise normal person into a crazy person. But mostly I think everyone just feels like there’s this really strange thing they have to live up to. Sometimes I think this is just a case of people not understanding how reality works, as vague as that sounds. Like, if you are getting married away from where a majority of your friends/family live, then you run the risk of more people not being able to make it. Just a fact of life, no one’s fault.

Victoria: Yeah, not to mention the whole growing up in one place, going to college thousands of miles from there, and then living as an adult in yet a third place that is again thousands of miles from both of those places (this is my life) then you are going to be stuck with a LOT of people having to travel or not make it (pre-emptive apologies to everyone, if I ever do get married.)

Jaya: Yes! Also, lots of people have destination weddings for the specific reasons that they can send lots of invites but not have many people come. Not a great loophole, but if I got married in Hawaii I would not expect 130 people to be there. I just got Jen Doll’s book about going to tons of weddings, I’m curious to see what she says about it.

Victoria: Yeah, it sounds interesting. With that many weddings attended, I do wonder if she has ever said no?

 

Thank Goodness We Don’t Have To Do That Anymore: Figure Out Which Servants We Need

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And yet people still feel guilty about having someone in to clean their house once a week.

So you’re thinking of getting some servants. Do you even know what all the different kinds do? Here’s a handy little guide (if you’re living at Downton Abbey, that is!):

The Different Kinds of Servants:

The Butler:

  • The Butler is the most senior male servant, but he is only a butler if there is other staff below him. A single male servant with no other servants in the house is called a houseman (and is mostly called a houseman if he is part of a husband and wife team of servants, though you could call him a butler.)
  • Butler’s Duties:
    • Answering the phone and the door
    • Serves as valet to the men of the house if there is no specific valet
    • Serves the dinner, with help from footmen or maids if there are any.
    • Generally in charge of the dining room and pantry, especially taking care of the wine and silver and choosing which dishes will be used to serve meals.
    • In smaller houses, he does more hands on work, in larger houses he oversees the work of the staff.
  • Butler’s Clothing:
    • Butlers generally wear a normal suit during the day, with perhaps a more formal suit with vest and tail coat in the afternoon. After 6pm, the butler wears a dress suit with a vest, white tie, and tails. A butler is distinguished from the gentlemen of the house by the simplicity of his suit and lack of all jewelry and adornments.

The Valet

  • Valet’s Duties:
    • It is always pronounced val-ET and not val-AY. Beau Brummel called the valet the “gentlemen’s gentleman”. (Do you guys know about Beau Brummel? I think he needs a post of his very own!)
    • Helps his employer dress
    • Manages his clothing, shopping, keeping everything repaired and shoes shined.
    • Often does things like making travel/restaurant/theater reservations
    • Packs and unpacks luggage for the male members of the household and any male guests.
  • Valet’s Clothing:
    • A regular, dark business suit

Footmen

  • Footmen’s Duties:
    • Footmen are the male servants who help the butler serve meals
    • They also help clean, especially heavier tasks like moving furniture. And especially, in very large houses, one footman, when not serving meals, spent all of his time polishing silver!
    • They also help answer the door
    • In many places, footmen were especially chosen for their looks- they often had to be a particular height and have nice legs (given what they had to wear!)
  • Footmen’s Clothing:
    • Footmen traditionally have a particular livery they wear when serving meals consisting of knee breeches, stockings, and fancy coats. Many very fancy families also had their footmen powder their hair (in the 20th century! in this country! people paid other people to dress up like servants in a French Court EVERY DAY!).
    • Usually a household will have a set of colors- like cream and navy and the footman’s livery and the females servants uniforms will be in those colors.

The Chauffeur

  • Chauffeur’s Duties:
    • Drives the cars and cares for them
    • Often doubles as a butler or gardener/stableman
  • Chauffeur’s Clothing:
    • A strict chauffeur wears a traditional livery.
    • Nowadays, most chauffeurs have multiple duties and wear a regular gray or black suit with a dark tie.

The Housekeeper

  • Housekeeper’s Duties:
    • The Housekeeper is IN CHARGE!
    • She totally runs the household, standing in for the mistress of the house if she is unable or not inclined to do it herself.
    • Housekeepers are treated with great respect and always called Mrs. Lastname (even if she isn’t married!)
  • Housekeeper’s Clothing:
    • She wears dark clothing of her own.

The Social Secretary

  • Secretary’s Duties:
    • Handling much of the household’s business and correspondence.
    • She often does the general bookkeeping and bill paying.
    • In households without a housekeeper, she often takes on many of those duties, such as meal planning.
    • She helps with party planning- guest lists, menus, invitations, etc.
  • Secretary’s Clothing:
    • She wears her own clothing.

The Cook and Kitchen Maid:

  • Kitchen Duties:
    • A professional cook only cooks. She will also keep control of the kitchen and see that it is properly stocked. She often does the shopping. She collaborates with the mistress of the house on menus.
    • In larger households, there might be a second cook who mostly cooks for the servants and only helps the main cook with simple dishes.
    • The kitchen maid assists the cook, especially prep work and does the washing up.
  • Kitchen Clothing:
    • The cook wears her own white dress, white stockings, and neutral shoes.
    • The kitchen maid wears the same short sleeved uniform dress as the rest of the servants with an apron over it.

The Parlor Maid:

  • The Parlor Maid’s Duties:
    • The parlor maid takes care of cleaning the downstairs rooms. She might also answer the phone and the door.
    • Sometimes she might also help serve meals and wash up.
  • The Parlor Maid’s Clothing:
    • The parlor maid wears the uniform dress of all the servants with an apron. In some houses, the maids also might wear some kin. Don’t you wish you could have this many people doing every little thing for you?

The Lady’s Maid:

  • Lady’s Maid Duties:
    • The lady’s maid has many of the same duties as the valet: tending to the clothing and person of the lady of the house.
    • She draws baths, lays out clothing, does mending, sometimes does the laundry of just the lady’s clothing.
    • Often she does the hair and nails of her mistress.
  • Lady’s Maid Clothing:
    • A lady’s maid may wear her own dark clothing or she may wear the uniform of the other maids.

The Chambermaid (or Housemaid):

  • Chambermaid’s Duties:
    • The chambermaid is in charge of all the bedrooms of the house.
    • She makes the beds and cleans the upstairs rooms
    • She makes sure the bathrooms are clean after every use.
    • She is in charge of the linen room and makes sure it is all clean and mended. She collects the family’s laundry.
  • Chambermaid Clothing:
    • She wears the same uniform dress as the other female servants.