A Vague Guide To Maybe Hitting On Someone

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when-you-try-to-flirt-with-someoneI’ve attempted to write a How To Hit On Someone post for a while now, and man, it is impossible. I now fully understand why the only options out there are either the dangerous “physically pull a woman into your lap and make her push you away” or the vague “say hi, see if you have anything in common, and then move on if there’s no spark.” It’s because any middle ground is so personal and circumstantial. Some people like having drinks bought for them, others consider it an insult. Some people enjoy being approached, while others prefer to do the approaching. There’s almost no way to write something for everyone. Which is a shame, because neither “SEX IS A CONQUEST” nor “I don’t know, do what you want?” is helpful for anyone.

So, knowing that I can’t speak for anyone else’s experiences or tastes, I want to relate some times where I have been approached by a stranger in a bar, at a concert, or in another public setting  and how it worked out, since when you’re single the general idea is that you’re supposed to meet people in public settings. Many of these were in the successful range, others were not. Take from this what you will.

Do ask what I’m reading: Once I was at a bar alone, reading a book, waiting for my boyfriend. A guy came up to me and asked what I was reading, and at that particular moment I was feeling conversational, so I started talking to him. Within 15 minutes I was drinking beer with him and all his friends at his table. If he was sincerely hitting on me it didn’t work out because, duh, my boyfriend showed up, but all in all I think we had a pretty good time.

Don’t neg me about my race: If you’re not familiar with negging, it’s the process of insulting/ignoring the person you want to woo in the hopes that they will be confused enough to sleep with you. Yeah, I don’t get it either. But once a guy outside a bar kept saying out loud to his friends while pointing at me “She’s so hot, I don’t care if she’s hispanic.” 1. I’m not hispanic 2. It doesn’t even matter what race I am because holy shit what are you talking about?? I was drunk enough to get pulled into a conversation (argument) with him, in which later he insulted my friends’ intelligence and looks (“They’re not smart like you”), and was then baffled when I wouldn’t go home with him.

Do find common interests: When I was 22 I found myself in a weird bar in New Zealand (I mean, on purpose, I did not wake up on my 22nd birthday unable to remember how I got to this country), and everyone was dancing to really clubby music and it just wasn’t my scene. A guy apparently noticed this, and began talking to me about how it wasn’t his scene either. We got some drinks, sat in a booth in the back and talked for a really long time, and then made out for an even longer time. Common interests doesn’t have to be boring!

Don’t be surprised that we have common interests: I once was with a guy who basically sent flirting into overdrive once he discovered that I could quote The Blues Brothers and agreed that the best Guinness I ever had was in Ireland. The night went well, but in hindsight I find it sort of disturbing that his reaction was less “wow, I love that thing too!” and more “you’re so cool because most girls don’t like that thing!” Lots of people like lots of different things. Girls like video games, guys like fashion, gay men like football…etc. It’s a great moment of luck if you find out someone shares your tastes, but it shouldn’t be surprising because of their sex.

Do be honest if you’re attracted to something: If you find something attractive about someone, tell them! This can be physical, like telling them they have a nice smile or you like their hair. The whole point if this dating thing is that you’re supposed to find something attractive in the other person, so that’s nice to know! In early-on flirting situations I’ve had guys compliment some aspect of my body, and it’s usually felt pretty nice. If I’m starting to become basely, lustily attracted to someone, it’s nice to know it’s mutual.

Don’t focus entirely on the sexual: If you think this person has beautiful eyes, great, but for the love of god do not make that the entire thing about them. Feeling lusted after is nice, feeling like everything you’ve been saying for the past hour has been ignored because your partner cannot ignore their attraction is another.

Unfortunately, there is an infuriating key to this, that I cannot describe any other way than don’t do any of this as anyone other than yourself. I know, the “be yourself” advice is so frustrating to hear, because duh you’ve been yourself, how you can you be anyone but yourself, but “yourself” isn’t working. But yourself will work, I promise. Being yourself isn’t about being every aspect of yourself all at once from the get go, it’s about doing things in a way that feels natural to you while still being able to test the waters with someone new. So go forth and talk to people you find attractive! It’s ok, I promise!

Have you’ve ever been successfully wooed by a stranger? Let us know how it went!

Noisy Neighbors

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It could be worse, your neighbors could play this at 2am. via Wikimedia Commons

 

Dear Uncommon Courtesy,

Our neighbours and I share a semi-detached home. There is a brick wall between us. The other night they had a very loud party – their first loud one in 3 years.The noise, music and loud talking was awful. By 1:30 in the morning, my husband got out of bed and knocked on their door. They said “oh its only 11:30.”  He politely corrected them, and they said they’d calm down.  We awoke again at 2:30 am due to the loud music. We’ve all been super friendly in the past, and so I’d expected that they would’ve stopped by and offered a chagrined apology by now. Nothing after 3 days.  Now we feel like the old, crabby and dull neighbours.

Are my expectations too high? What should they have done (assuming they even remember that we politely approached them)?

Sincerely,

Need Some Sleep

OFFICIAL ETIQUETTE

Miss Manners always advises a peaceful and civil communication with noisy neighbors.

We’ve also already covered how to be a good urban dweller, which includes not being noisy and how to deal with noisy neighbors.

OUR TAKE

Victoria: My first instinct is that if it’s the first time in three years and they are otherwise good neighbors, maybe just let it slide.

Jaya: Three years is pretty good!

Victoria: On the other side, when I’ve had friends who had regular loud parties, they would tell the neighbors ahead of time and that seemed to help.

Jaya: Perhaps the neighbors honestly thought they had toned it down at the first request, so they wouldn’t have thought they needed to apologize.

Victoria: Yeah, drunk people are not exactly the best judges of noise. And at that point, honestly, any amount of noise is going to annoy you.

Jaya: You’re gonna hear anything at 2:30 am. Though if someone complains to you about noise, I think it’s good to do a test!

Victoria: Oooh what kind of test?

Jaya: If your neighbors come to you with a noise complaint, have them go back in their apartment and turn your music up and down and figure out at what level it doesn’t bother them, and then just remember where it’s at for your next party.

Victoria: Ooh that’s a genius idea.

Jaya: (We keep trying to do this with my terrible neighbors and it doesn’t work because they’re the worst.)

Victoria: Hahaha oh no.

Jaya; Every weekend we tell them to turn it down. How the hell do they not remember?

Victoria: Yeah, I think EVERY weekend is insane. But one loud party in three years is not much to get upset about. Consider it a free pass to have a loud party of your own!

Jaya: Yes! And maybe be the bigger people and warn them that you’ll be having a party, so they know that behavior is expected.

Victoria: Yeah, that way you’ve covered your bases if you need to call the police later. Which is always an option.

Jaya: The only time I think there really should be leeway is New Years. If it’s 4am and they’re still going it doesn’t matter, it’s New Years.

Victoria: Totally, and a weekend is going to need more leeway too.Though now that I work on Saturdays I’m not sure how i would feel about a loud party on a Friday, lol. But yeah, if it’s constant and you live in a house, you’re always free to call the police. And now reading this question, it might be a nice gesture for their neighbors to apologize and bring some cookies or something over the next day, especially if they complained.

Jaya: Yeah, that would be nice, though again if they thought they had toned it down enough maybe they didn’t think they had to. I’ve had neighbors mention once to quiet down and I have, and never felt the need to apologize. Though growing up in New York apartments, you sort of have a higher tolerance for noise. It’s a bit more expected.

Victoria: Though I would rather have one loud party every three years than a screaming baby every day, which is what I have now.

Let’s Stop Calling Having Strong Opinions “Rude”

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Murder has nothing to do with manners

Murder has nothing to do with manners

If there was one etiquette rule that I internalized my entire life, it was the idea that you should NEVER call someone out for being rude. (Ok, except if they try to upstream you.) Someone forgets to send you a thank you note? Rude. You call that person to chastise them for not sending one? WAY MORE RUDE. Don’t invite +1s to your wedding? Totally fine, though some people seem to think it’s rude. Yelling at a bride and groom for not getting a +1? YOU ARE THE WORST HUMAN.

This has made it so that being called “rude” is a terrible insult, and thus, if someone has felt the need override this rule because of what you’re doing, then what you’re doing must be inhumane. Sure, we’ve probably all had a momentary outburst at a stranger who is bothering us, but I’m hard pressed to find a time in my life when I’ve told a friend or family member that what they’re doing is a rude action, even if I’ve felt it with all my being.

However, there is one thing that is not and never will be rude: having an opinion about your own life. So let’s stop treating it like it is.

Ama Yawson recently wrote this incredible piece for The Atlantic about racism, tolerated behaviors, and teaching her children to stand up for themselves. Please go read it now. This is important. But what struck me about it is the whole thing was couched in the language of etiquette. People laugh “politely” when they hear racist speech. The idea of having courage to speak up  is weighed against basic “courtesies.” Apparently being a good sport means never disagreeing with someone. She writes, “As a child, I was taught to refrain from reprimanding others for fear of causing them shame.  Moreover, many of us are conditioned to avoid the potential discomfort and social ostracism that such reprimands might trigger.”

Let’s be clear: “Polite” and “rude” are not synonyms for “right” and “wrong.” There is a huge difference between yelling at your houseguest for not making the bed and calling out a barber when he calls your son the N-word*, and speaking of the latter in terms of what is “polite” and what is “rude” is doing both sides a disservice. Yet this idea of something as “rude” has been turned into an insult you can hurl at anyone if they happen to disagree with your twisted view of humanity. “You don’t want to be rude, do you?” is now a a sinister threat. We’ve all been taught that being nice means never voicing a different opinion.

Obviously racist, sexist, and other intolerant behavior is something you should stand up against. But there are other times, smaller times, where having a personal need that goes against someone else’s plans is treated as a breach of etiquette. I immediately think of wedding planning, when so often brides stating opinions are referred to as “bridezillas.” I think of how I worry about my friends thinking I’m rude if I cancel plans because of a sudden onslaught of social anxiety. Hell, I worry that if my fiance and I are trying to figure out what to eat for dinner and I suggest “pizza” too powerfully he’s going to think I don’t respect his opinion.

It is often difficult to figure out the difference between being polite and being a pushover, especially when adhering to social graces is held in such esteem. People like it when other people are nice to them; that’s the whole reason we even have this damn website. We can all think of times where we should have spoken up but didn’t, or should have kept our mouths shut.

We all want to be treated with common courtesy, but sometimes that means demanding it. Not putting up with bigoted behavior is not a matter of etiquette, it’s a matter of basic human decency. You should never apologize for your fundamental being. You deserve space on this earth just like everyone else. So let the language of etiquette be used to discuss noisy neighbors and baby shower gifts. Don’t you dare worry about being polite.

*Which, by the way, you have every right to speak out against if just for the fact that you are paying him for a service you specified and he did not do it to your liking.

Let’s Eat These Foods With Our Fingers Like Monsters

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We have a little etiquette secret for you. We know that your parents probably spent your entire childhood trying to get you to use a knife and fork properly, and to not just pick up food with your hands and mash it into your face like you’re a baby. But did you know there are foods you’re actually encouraged to eat with your fingers? Behold, the wonders of dining etiquette!

Anything served on a toothpick: This is pretty obvious, because what, you’re gonna pick the whole thing up with a fork and then get the toothpick in your mouth? No. Usually this is stuff like cheese cubes, olives, crudite, etc. Go ahead and use your hands.

Asparagus: Eating it with your fingers only applies if they are spears of asparagus and do not have sauce on them. In general, where there’s sauce, there are eating utensils.

Sushi: Usually Americans like to show off their chopstick skills at sushi restaurants, but sushi is really meant to be eaten with your hands. This is because many believe the delicate fish picks up the flavors of anything it touches, so metal cutlery is a big no-no.

Artichokes: I’d like to see anyone try to eat artichoke leaves with a fork. You’re supposed to rip each leaf off, dip in butter or any accompanying sauce, and then put it in your mouth and scrape the meat off with your top teeth. Charming.

Bacon: To eat bacon with your fingers, it must be crisp! If it’s soggy and limp, use a knife and fork. (ED: if it’s soggy and limp send it back to the kitchen to be cooked properly, yuck!)

Corn: Ok, so there is a way to eat corn on the cob with a knife and a fork, by sort of tilting the cob up on one end and scraping the kernels off but good lord that sounds like a recipe for sending your corn flying into the lap of the person next to you, and possibly taking out some fine china with it.  If you’re a host and you serve corn on the cob you best believe your guests should eat it with their fingers. Otherwise you’re just trying to torture them.

Pizza: Someone suggested that if pizza is heavy with toppings you are allowed to use your fork, but that just means you’re a quitter.

Tiny birds like quail, and frog’s legs: These can be picked up in the fingers, though you must avoid the appearance of gnawing.

Dinner Rolls: As we keep saying, these are broken apart with the fingers and each section is buttered individually and then eaten with the fingers.

Indian food: Lots of Indian food, especially of Northern cuisines, is served with bread, which you should use as your utensil by ripping of pieces and picking up food with it, like a little sandwich! Just make sure to use your right hand, because your left hand is reserved for…something else.

Drinking in the Office

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If the President can drink on the job, so can you. via Wikimedia Commons

Dear Uncommon Courtesy,

My new company had an “afternoon tea” to welcome new associates and all they had was beer, which I felt weird about drinking since I just started and my boss was there and she wasn’t drinking. What do you do about office drinking situations, in general?

Sincerely,

Not The Office Drunk

OFFICIAL ETIQUETTE

Most of the etiquette regarding drinking at work seems to be about holiday parties and the advice is usually to not drink too much, so I assume that also goes for all other workplace drinking as well.

OUR TAKE

Victoria:  I am pro drinking in the office, and I think with this question, if it is offered, to take it at face value and not think they are trying to trick you.

Jaya:  Oh yes. A glass of wine on a friday afternoon boosts morale so much. I think it’d be strange if all they provided was beer and expected you not to drink any, right?

Victoria:  Right! Like, why would they do that? And if they are trying to trick you, maybe its a signal of much deeper problems.

Jaya:  Though I understand the anxiety about being new and not wanting to be too enthusiastic

Victoria:  Oh yeah, especially if you are new. Though i think if you are a long time employee, then you should show enthusiasm so that the newer people know it’s okay. And if you have temps and interns, or a receptionist who is chained to the front desk, make sure that they know it’s there and are welcome to have some. bring it to them if you have to. I have temped a lot in my life and it is so nice when people make you feel included and not like a space alien who is visiting earth for a few weeks.

Jaya:  Hahaha oh no! Yeah, if it’s there, it’s meant to be enjoyed. I’ve shown no remorse over having five cookies from a platter on some coworker’s birthday, and I wouldn’t be upset about having some wine on a similar occasion. Just don’t get wasted if it’s in the middle of the day and you have to get back to work.

Victoria:  Hahah, yes, that is a very good point. Oh and don’t pressure people to drink if they decline.

Jaya:  Absolutely. You don’t know why they’re not drinking. Though, it doesn’t matter. If they don’t want to they don’t want to, whether it’s because they’re an alcoholic or they’re just not in the mood