Telephone Etiquette

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Via [Wikimedia Commons]

Telephone etiquette has changed rapidly in the last two decades with the advent of cell phones. When I was a kid, I remember I wasn’t allowed to call friends after something like 9 or 10pm, and my parents got really mad if anyone called during “dinnertime.”

I was never specifically taught good telephone manners, I think, my house was pretty relaxed about it- we answered the phone with “hello” and I don’t recall ever asking “may I ask who is calling” or anything like that. But for the most part, I don’t think people really expect that. Though those kind of extra good manners do help out sometimes.

I have a great etiquette book from the 1950s called Etiquette for Young Moderns that lays out telephone manners as:

  1. Being conscious of your voice and tone.
  2. Answer in a brisk, cheerful manner.
  3. Identify yourself as soon as you pick up the receiver.
  4. Always ask who is calling if the person doesn’t identify themselves
  5. Give your complete attention to the phone call, don’t have side conversations with people in the room.
  6. Treat wrong numbers politely
  7. Make sure you dial the correct number.
  8. Plan the timing of your calls so you don’t interrupt meals.
  9. If the person who you are calling isn’t home, leave at least your name so they don’t have to wonder who called.
  10. If you can’t hear the person, state that to them so they can adjust their voice.

A lot of these rules are still actually pretty good! Even for cell phones!

I think some key things for telephone etiquette today are:

  1. Being conscious of where you are- don’t talk on your phone while a cashier is ringing you up. Especially don’t talk in quiet places like a house of worship, library, theater, or movie theater. And don’t text in most of those places either.
  2. Don’t speak loudly in public, no one wants to hear your conversation (and it has been proven that listening to a one sided conversation is more distracting than listening to two people talk in your presence.)
  3. Speak clearly.
  4. If you are picking up a call from say, a company where you are interviewing for a job or your doctor’s, identify yourself when you pick up the phone: “This is Theodore” so that they know right away they have the right person.
  5. Keep it on silent or vibrate when you are with others.
  6. Put it away when dining with others or in meetings and other times when you are with other people. Be focused on the people you are with.

 

 

Help, My Roommate’s Girlfriend Won’t Leave!

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egJey8PDear Uncommon Courtesy,

If your roommate as a significant other over fairly regularly, isn’t it expected that the roommate would not leave his SO alone in the apartment? Shouldn’t he be responsible for making his guest enter and leave the apartment with him? I get that it’s his girlfriend but I wouldn’t let any of my guests stay in the apartment for prolonged amounts of time (4+ hours) without me. He and I weren’t friends before he moved in a few months ago, and I’ve confronted him at least three times but he seems to be in denial about how long his girlfriend is there without him. She mostly stays in his room, but I feel like she’s just trying not to get caught now.

Sincerely,

Unintentional Third

 

Official Etiquette

According to a survey on the subject on Splitwise.com, “A strong majority of survey respondents think it’s none of their business if a significant other is staying over a few (2-3) nights a week. The majority also thinks that if they are staying nearly every night of the week (more than 5), they should be chipping in something. The tipping point is at 5 nights a week, where our survey respondents are roughly split 50/50.” Also, when Miss Manners was asked about one girl’s boyfriend getting in trouble with the landlord for parking in a “guest” spot so often, she replied “guests are not charged by hosts for the space they occupy. Residents usually share costs. Miss Manners will leave it up to you and the gentleman in question to define what he is doing in the apartment.” So…she’s no help at all.

Our Take

Jaya: This is definitely an issue, but I don’t think there’s a hard and fast etiquette rule about this. I don’t think most people “expect” anything about this situation one way or another. Especially if this is your only issue with your roommate (which I’m not sure about in this case).

Victoria:  If they ARE there all the time, they should probably chip in with rent and utilities. But at some point it becomes about how your roommate lives his life and you either deal with it or move/ask them to move.

Jaya: Definitely, and it changes with every situation. A few years ago I basically lived with my then-boyfriend for a few months, but his roommate was a mutual friend so it was much easier. I offered to pay rent but they said no, so I tried to make it up by cleaning up after myself and cooking and not spending too much time in the living room unless we were all hanging out. It’s not this automatic etiquette faux pas, though I do think it’d be polite of her to offer something like that.

Victoria: It’s just so hard.

Jaya: But like, we’re all adults here. People have overnight guests, and if she stays in his room mostly it seems like she’s making an effort to be clean and scarce. If she’s taking up a lot of space or making huge messes or a lot of noise that’s another issue, but I’m not sure that’s the case here.

Victoria: The hard part for me is that this person may be the roommate’s girlfriend, but she’s still pretty much a stranger to LW. I wish more shared apartments came with locks on the bedroom doors.

Jaya: Totally, just because your roommate trusts this girl doesn’t mean you have to. She might be a con artist and steal all your stuff! But if you’ve already brought it up three times and nothing is changing, I think you either have to accept it or move out.

Victoria: That’s just solid advice for most roommate situations.

Jaya: If she were to talk to her roommate a fourth time about this, what should she say?

Victoria: Just be like, I know we’ve talked about this before, but “Jane” is here almost every day and it’s starting to be too much. And then maybe suggest she can only be there say 3-4 nights a week, or that she can only be there when he’s there. And then if he disagrees, say then you need to start splitting the utilities at least 3 ways. Maybe you can talk about rent, but a lot of group apartments split rent by bedroom.

Jaya: Coming at it with a list of demands definitely helps, and it can also help you figure out what you’re willing to live with. Like, is the issue that you think you’re paying too much in rent for three people living there? Or is the issue that she’s over all the time?

Victoria: I think paying rent or utilities can be a nice consolation if you lose the battle of how often they’re over, so at least you end up saving money. But yeah, it’s all about knowing what you can and can’t live with.

Jaya: And you know, just think about it from their side.  Maybe she lives far away and it’s just easier for her to hang out for a few hours instead of going home then going back out somewhere.

Victoria: Yes, if you were in their position, you’d want to bring over a significant other too.

Happy (Day After) Thanksgiving

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We hope everyone had a tasty and restful Thanksgiving and we will be back on Monday!

In the meantime check out some Thanksgiving tips we’ve shared with:

Modern Farmer

Metro New York

Some Thanksgiving Tips

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Last week, Victoria and I were interviewed for Metro New York about what to do if you’re a college student spending Thanksgiving with a friend’s family. However, a lot of the advice can be applied in many situations, like spending the holidays with your in-laws or your extended family. Here are a few more tips on how to get through it all without going crazy!

  • Offer to help out as much as you can, but make sure you can really do it: Jumping into the kitchen so Aunt Martha doesn’t have to make everything is fantastic, but don’t do it unless you actually know how to make green bean casserole. The only thing more stressful than having to cook five dishes is having to cook four while answering a million questions about the fifth. If that’s the case, see if there are other ways you can help, like running errands, watching the kids, or setting the table.
  • Don’t be a dick about dietary restrictions:  Some people refuse to believe gluten allergies exist. Others think anyone who isn’t a vegan is a murderer. Most of us can and should meet in the middle. My thought is that the host gets a heavy say in what’s served at their house, within reason. For instance, if you’re a guest in a Kosher household, don’t bring your bacon-wrapped scallop appetizer. However, if you’re the host but the only vegetarian, maybe request that most of the dishes remain vegetarian, but let someone bring a turkey. Also, speak up if you have a serious allergy, like if you’re so allergic to peanuts that the presence of them anywhere on the table will make you break out in hives. And if you have a lot of restrictions, bring a dish or two that you know you can eat.
  • Be flexible with traditions: I was slightly horrified the first time I went to a Thanksgiving dinner and everything was served on paper plates, because I’m a horrible snob and you should never invite me anywhere. But then I remembered that shrimp curry is often served alongside turkey at my family’s house. The holiday is about sharing traditions, not judging them.
  • Pick your battles: We got into this a little in Metro about balancing changing the subject gracefully with calling out someone’s racist uncle. Sometimes it’s not worth the effort to call someone out, and sometimes you can’t just let it slide. Everyone has their own personal thresholds.
  • Have an exit strategy: Most of us have probably felt stressed out at at least one Thanksgiving (or other holiday). It can be a perfect storm of stress, family tensions and loud little kids. Have a plan if you’re prone to getting overwhelmed by these things, like taking a walk or running an errand. Last year I got so overwhelmed at one holiday I excused myself to the bathroom and instead lay down in the guest room for ten minutes. No one will miss you for that period of time.
  • Don’t forget to use your good table manners: The basics- put your napkin on your lap, chew with your mouth closed, elbows off the table, and say please and thank you.

Short Question on Financial Etiquette

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Dear Uncommon Courtesy,

If I send a check and it gets lost in the mail, who should pay the bank fee to have it stopped? Me or the recipient?

Sincerely,

Fee’d Off

Official Etiquette:

Miss Manners and Emily Post haven’t really covered this, but in other check etiquette it is generally best to cash checks ASAP when you get them so people are surprised by the draw on their account three months later (though of course, everyone should be balancing their checking accounts- HA!)

Our Take:

Jaya: Whoaaaa. I have no idea. I mean I think you? Actually the post office should.

Victoria: Lol okay, so I answered thus when it was originally posed on Twitter: if you are close to the person, just write a new check and ask them to tear up the lost one if it ever arrives. But if not, since you are ultimately the person who will have the check amount come out of your account when it is cashed then its on you to pay the fee to make sure that doesn’t happen.

Jaya: What doesn’t happen?

Victoria: Okay, so say you write a check and it gets lost in the mail. You write the person a new check and they cash it, then the lost check shows up and they cash that too.

Jaya: Then they’re a scumbag?

Victoria: Well yeah, but it can be an honest mistake but you are still out double the money (which you then have to try to get refunded). So its your responsibility to cancel the check so that it can’t be cashed.

Jaya: Well yeah of course. Wait is the other option people consider is asking your friend to call your bank to cancel the fee? I don’t get what the issue is.

Victoria: No, I think the issue is that the person writing the check wants to write a second check and deduct the fee the bank charges for canceling the first check. Thus making the check receiver “pay” the fee. By getting less money. Which yeah…no. They have no way of knowing that you even genuinely sent the first check! You could be lying!

Jaya: Why do people insist on making things a thousand times more complicated? I guess this seems like such a non-issue to me. I can’t imagine a situation in which I wouldn’t call my bank to cancel the check, pay whatever fee, and then send a new check. How is that not the standard course of action for everyone?

Victoria: Yeah exactly. I mean, check canceling fees CAN be high, like sometimes something like $50. So I often hedge my bets and don’t bother canceling them.

Jaya: Wait so you just ask your friend to rip up the check, right?

Victoria: Yeah, I mean, my rent check has gotten lost in the mail before and I just never canceled it. I guess, if it did finally show up and they cashed it, they would just apply it to my next months rent. Which for me is fine, but for other people might be a problem if that would overdraft their account. So you just have to weigh that kind of thing against whether it is worth it to pay the fee for the peace of mind knowing that it can’t be cashed.

Jaya: This seems less like etiquette and more like finance. Or really like, etiquette: don’t cash double checks and scam your friends?

Victoria: Haha yeah true. And business-wise, there is no way you are ever going to get, say the cable company, to pay your canceled check fee, they will laugh at you. I think it was a worthwhile etiquette question to ask though- a young person might just not know what is the social norm here!